10th  Dec 2012, Saturday, Stormy

Hyuna's POV

I stood at my doorsteps and wiped my tears away. I watched him go. Further and further, smaller and smaller. Till his figure disappeared into the dark alley.

I returned back to my room. Throwing myself onto my bed, I let out a huge sigh.

“I thought if I worked hard, I can walk into your heart. But I was wrong. You are my everything. But why? Am I not good enough? Have I not done enough? Why can’t I have your heart after all that I have done?”

His words kept replaying in my mind. It dawned on me that I hurt him a lot. Looking back, I realised I received a lot from him, but all I did was to take, and did not give much in return.

 “Hyuna-yah. It’s definitely not because of that. Are you sure you are happy during the times we are together? Truly happy? Hah, stop deceiving others, and stop deceiving yourself. I know there is someone else in your heart, another him. I love you, but I want you to be happy as well. I’ll give you some time to think about it. Who you wanna choose to be with. Me, or him.”

Honestly, I was shocked by his sudden outburst. But I know it’s definitely not without any reasons. Come to think of it, there ought to be something fishy. Hyunseung was clearly at the studio that night Junhyung was drunk. But he denied. There could only be one reason. He witnessed the whole incident. That must be it.

“I know there is someone else in your heart, another him.”

He was referring to Junhyung, for sure. He heard our little talk. And the peck on Junhyung’s forehead must have hurt him a lot.

He should not have denied his presence. He should not have pretended that he didn’t know. He should not have kept it all to himself. He should not have suffered all by himself.

He had always put me in his first priority.  Perhaps he did this all for me. He did not want me to feel neither bad nor guilty.

If he were to confront me, I could have explained.

But wait, what can I say? Tell him that I wasn’t in the right state of mind? Tell him I wasn’t sure why I did that? Tell him I was confused? Or tell him that I have feelings for Junhyung? Feelings for Junhyung? What kind of feelings am I holding for Junhyung?

“Who you wanna choose to be with. Me, or him.”

I am really confused. I can’t understand my own feelings. I am lost. Standing at this ambiguous crossroad of love, I have no idea which way I should go. I am not a girl. Yet, not a woman.

“We should just put a stop here, shouldn’t we?”

Why does my heart ache so much upon hearing this?

I cried again. The tears ran down my cheeks, slowly but surely. Because sometimes tears are easier than to speak. Because tears will shout them all out.  It makes me feel cleaner, like a weight lifted off m chest, so I can get a rest. But tonight, it trapped me in here. In this room of crawling terrors. I feel like I have to scream, but it’s stuck in my throat. I felt claustrophobic. I think I really just need to sleep.

In the approaching dawn’s chill, my body shivered as the cold rushed through my veins. I am torn between today and tomorrow. Tears soon blurred my vision. I reached out to grab your hand, but within a glance, you’re no longer there. The one I want to see.

Is gone.