Leeteuk stood waiting near the luggage trolleys. Flicking his wrist where he has worn his watch when I saw him amongst the travelers. He straightened up his slouching posture then waved at us. I noticed those counted wrinkles visible on his face which weren’t there before. Guess he has really gone aging with the recent trainees.

 

The flight from Seoul, South Korea to here Vancouver, Canada was nothing but a dull memory to me. I didn’t even carry anything, insisted by my members that they could handle the baggage themselves. I let them without further debate. Did I blink for sleep? I can’t remember doing so. Likewise to the flight of 11 hours and 15 minutes, being selfishly despondent. I believe you become aware of the time specifically when you can’t think of anything useful to distract yourself. More like loathing the one I happened to be.

 

“Been a while, EXO-M.” a hand held my arm, bringing me to an open embrace while I let my head nod for acknowledgement. Leeteuk missed us. He surely does and I won’t deny admitting I miss him too but I don’t have to voice that out. When we parted for distance, he smiled before clapping my shoulders then proceeded to do the same with the rest.

 

“Leeteuk-ssi, I am deeply so—”

 

“Do not apologize, Kris.” He looked at me like it was wrong to speak formal apologies now. I lowered my gaze. Is it possible to detest myself this much where all I want to say is the word ‘sorry’?

 

“You did what you have to do. But know what? I’m glad you all made it. Usually, every team loses at least a member—badly injured, coma or in the worst scenario, dead.”

 

I shifted uncomfortably in my shoes. He got some point. But wasn’t that just the contrary of it? Making it alive without any slight glitches seen on us? Appearing like we really didn’t give our best? My best, rather. It only ignited the anger inside me. Means, I didn’t lead them too well.

 

“It’s always a relief. Whatever the mission is, whatever the result of it, whatever that is, it is really a warm relief every time I get to fetch you kids. Although our top priority is the assigned mission, somewhere deep down me, your lives are more important.”

 

Maybe Leeteuk was saying this to console me, to alter every part of me that was doubting and resenting but in all honesty, I really don’t need it. I prefer accepting my failures than reassurance with false hope. Yet I have to bear in mind that Leeteuk isn’t the person who just blabber things that has nothing to do with the situation. So it was hard not to be hauled by his carefully selected words.

 

“Don’t do this, Leeteuk hyung. We can get overwhelmingly emotional at times.” Tao sniffed. I heard Chen’s snort on my far right, “Oh please, you’re just referring to yourself.”

 

“What? Why? Won’t you be emotionally affected by those caring words? I mean come on, Leeteuk hyung is always worried not by how we handle the mission but because—our lives are surely at stake!”

 

“Yeah I understand that. I’m here when he said it but bluntly expressing the emotions is just so you, Tao.”

 

“You heartless living troll! Get away from me before I bawl my spits on you.” Tao pushed Chen which caused the latter to burst into laughter. Lay, Luhan and Xiumin followed suit. A tug on the corner of my lips, still I refused to smile. Because I failed the most significant mission that I trained for years. It was there, on my grip but was taken away from me as if I tend to loosen my deathly grasp.

 

“I am a failure.” I said so low I thought no one heard me. Apparently, Leeteuk’s laugh dissipated at the exact time I said it. The others didn’t though. Luhan draped his arm over Xiumin’s shoulder, torso falling forward everytime he laughed when Chen playfully continued to make fun of Tao. Lay shook his head but later joined Chen into adding sarcasms. That left Leeteuk and I into man-to-man discussion.

 

“And why do you think of that?” He asked. I let my eyes trail the on-going travelers, airport clerks, busy people crowding the waiting area and people buying food to digest. The sunlight refracted from the huge clear glass windows, creating hues of different colors of rainbow on the floor. Flight attendants with their travelling suitcases as they pull it behind them, I wonder what it feels like to travel frequently with an hour or two of rest.

 

“Wu fan?”

 

This time, I looked straight to Leeteuk’s eyes, wavering but I managed to repeat it, “I am a failure.” Louder yet it seems like I am more welcoming bullets than actually convincing him to agree and tell me that I was right. He, though, doesn’t respond to what I was really anticipating. He was always, always weighing on the optimism of this unfair world.

 

“This isn’t your fault. No one is exempted from making mistakes especially if it’s life-threatening cases.”

 

“No.” I snapped. “I was careless. I didn’t exert much effort. I did not lead my members the right way. We were even separated temporarily—bringing me the members I ought to think that are loyal to me. But I haven’t thought of the others—Minseok and Jongdae, their feelings, their opinions before I went spluttering useless stuff about loyalty. And above them all, I almost delivered my assigned client to her own death! She—Amber…now…I just left like that. So don’t tell me that I am not a failure. This may be my first and last failure. Stuck in the headquarters for how long, I don’t know. Let the Elders dictate my fate, then.”

 

The passing people spared weird glances at us, whispers floating but I don’t care for now. I need much time for self-reflecting. It occurred to me that my members were tentatively listening as well. I discarded the sensation of my own reflex reminding me to shut the hell up because I am not acting maturely. The intercom squeaked, announcing some passengers to board the aircraft and apologizing for the delay of the flight. I let a long exasperating sigh.

 

“For you to say that, I know Wu fan. You are blinded by too much responsibility until it reached the point where you forget to keep a decent responsibility to yourself. Have you not wonder about it, though? Have you not wish a certain time to achieve a desire of your own? Not because you need to but because you wanted it?”

 

Amber.

 

She never left my thoughts all the way back here. She’s the reason why I hated myself. I wanted to shower her the truth but according to the law, you make no existence about the Agent’s World to your clients. They don’t have to know. We should just focus on bodyguard-client relationship and nothing personal. Cruelly, I don’t have the right to unleash the meaning behind my departure, behind what was bound to happen if we fail missions, behind the created laws and behind the truth that all I want was to be there to protect her.

 

I want to be the one to protect her.

 

“Will she ever forgive me?” This is the question that was bugging me the whole time. Strong and willed power, Amber is. But she became fragile enough when attached to people whom she knew that won’t leave her. But I was one of the despicable ones, even without choice. I am nowhere special.

 

“Honestly, I don’t know that too. Time heals and flies. You followed what is there to be followed and done. If anything, Wu fan you did your best. You are one great honorable Agent.” Leeteuk patted my back, my shoulders sagged and still, I shook my head.

 

“And a dedicated leader.” Luhan genuinely said, tilting his head to tease me with his smiley face.

 

“Not just that, he’s our pro-active leader.” Tao added. I have to blink away my confusion of sudden compliments. It didn’t just stop there, the others joined in.

 

“A steady leader.”

 

“Courageous.”

 

“Compassionate.”

 

“Authentic.”

 

“Decisive.”

 

Our luggages were long-forgotten on the other side of the place. Not that far though. Because they chose to mock me with sincerity or what these young adults really wanted to show by the way? I slightly made my way out of the circled noisy group, with a small smile on my face.

 

“If you guys decided to pollute my mind with those compliments, I am not biting it.”

 

Lay scoffed, “Says the mighty leader. Yeah, sure you do. You can just humbly accept sentiments. Normal people do that stuff.”

 

“Wrong. How many times should I admit telling it? I am a fa—”

 

“Another ‘failure’ word from you Wu fan, I will knock you out completely unconscious.” Leeteuk said in frustration while touching his temples with his two fingers. I guess I am that annoying with my repetitive declaration. I frowned and looked away.

 

“So, what are we going to expect back in the headquarters?” Xiumin asked. Talking about it, I haven’t even realized that we will be back in minutes and it has been so long since I saw our headquarters. The missions assigned to us left no room for visiting the ground. After every case, we immediately head back to back to the pending missions and the last one was Amber’s.

 

“What else? Back to trainee life, obviously.” Luhan replied with a contorted face, like he tasted bitter. Xiumin closed his eyes and shook his head, reminiscing the hardships we went through. At this, Luhan took the opportunity to rest his chin on Xiumin’s left shoulder while back-hugging him.

 

“Detach yourself away from me this instant. People are wary for nothing.”

 

“No! Stay still, Baozi. I am exhausted.”

 

“You did absolutely nothing exhausting, Luhan.”

 

“I’m still tired. Let me just hug you so stop moving.”

 

In the middle of their bickering, Leeteuk glanced at his watch and took out his phone, typed something before nodding to himself, “Alright, kids! Better get moving. Ride is outside.” I walked after him with the others trailed behind, not forgetting to seize the luggage with them.

 

While walking, Chen snatched the one Tao was carrying and in a flash, it was thrown farther away from the owner. “Hey!” Tao frowned and sent meaningful glare to the running Chen, “The hell is wrong with you?”

 

“Oops, my bad. Wanted to do that long time ago but didn’t get the chance.”

 

“Come back here you—”

 

“He’s still your hyung, Tao. Forget it, leave your things to me.” Lay offered. He jogged his way to the thrown item and grabbed it. Tao and Chen chased each other like they treated this airport not public. I did nothing to reprimand them. We’re back to where we all grew up together so allow them to devour every moment of their free time before we can even take a glimpse of the training ground. I should’ve left after Leeteuk but I have to stay for a moment. The presence was here, I can feel it. The significance that I don’t intend on ruining.

 

“Home sweet home.” Lay said on my right, having a hard time shifting the things from each arms. I rolled my eyes and lazily gave a hand.

 

“Not really. Especially when you bring bad news. Home not sweet home.”

 

“Is it? Look on the brighter side. We’re still one. Although back to the mindset of rookies, that doesn’t matter. We’re always here for you and for every one of us.”

 

“Yeah. You’re probably right.” Not really. I want to see Amber one last time but I don’t have luck. It will take a long while to step on this airport again. Years, of course. Will I ever see Amber again? And if I do, does she even has the right to accept my apology?

 

All I know that was undeniable was that, I will never meet any other woman like Amber. Whether it has something to do with profession or personal, Amber held a special place in my character.

 

Mostly, a special place in me.

 

 

 

☯ ☯ ☯

“Over here!” Tao waved. I spotted them on the middle left of the cafeteria and sauntered my way with a silver tray of food. Too many new faces, few known and others remained the same. The cluster of different trainee Agents as well as the crew staff in one sector of the main building, counted us in, almost dominated the cafeteria. Can’t help it, lunch was always this huddled with starvers anyway.

 

It has been exactly four months and a half since our last departure from a mission. I can’t completely say that I recovered whole. There will always be a missing part, disappointment scattered all over me. It will never be what it was used to be. Four months and a half of no information from Am