My hands trembled as I opened the letter. Whatever it said I knew I wouldn’t be happy. Not being able to contain myself anymore I ripped it open and unfolded the letter.

Congratulations Sunhae Park, you have been accepted –

That was enough for me. I sighed deeply and threw the letter across the table. My older brother, Jaebeom (or Jay as he liked to he known as), sat across from me and picked up the letter and read it. His eyes sparkled with happiness but returned to normal as he saw my sullen face.

“Aren’t you happy?” he asked me moving his chair closer to mine. I inwardly groaned and placed my head in my hands.

“It’s not that,” I paused and looked at him. I couldn’t possibly tell him? He was his friend too; it would be too weird, not to mention, Jay would probably bite his head off.

“It’s complicated,” I finished as he watched me carefully. My eyes became shifty as he studied me. He hummed lightly.

“Someone’s holding you back,” he stated. I tried not to give anything away so I stayed quiet.

“Can I guess who?” he asked with a smirk playing at his lips. He leant over and poked my arm again and again and didn’t stop until I pinched his cheeks. Jay muttered an ‘ow’ and rubbed his red cheeks.

“Well I’m going to guess anyways,” he sang and grinned. I shook her head; sometimes I really think I’m the older sibling.

“Its Chansung right?” he clicked his fingers together. I avoided his gaze and kept my mouth shut.

“You’ve been friends forever so it’s natural to consider him in whilst making decisions. But just remember you won’t be able to stay close forever. You have to move on at some point. Even if you don’t take this offer, do you know where he’s going? You know he’ll be going far away too. Plus, both of you will make new friends. I know it’s hard to think you’ll be losing a friend but you still can keep in touch, like me, I still miss my friends in Seattlebut I still talk to them. It’s hard at first; we don’t like change, we like comfort and familiarity. Change screws up everything but we all have to go through it. I would hate to see you give up this offer because someone’s holding you back,” Jay smiled sadly and walked off leaving me alone in the kitchen to think about my decision.

Even if I decide to stay here in Koreawould it make a difference? We would both meet new people and maybe we’ll end up drifting apart. That was something that had been bugging me for a while. What if he met some amazing girl who was ten times better than me?

I groaned and slammed my head on the table. This decision was going to be a hard one to make. I wanted to go to Harvard but that meant leaving my family and Chansung, and I don’t think I was ready for that step yet.

---

“You look like hell,” Chansung’s voice spoke up. I lifted my head up from the table and glared at him.

“Thanks captain obvious,” I rolled my eyes and sat up.

I had been up all night making lists of the pros and cons. They weren’t much used because by the time I had finished it seemed to balance out. It was as if I was subconsciously sabotaging my chances to go. I was holding myself back. I knew if I told Channie about my offer he would tell me to go like everyone else.

“What’s eating at you?” he nudged me slightly and offered me half of his chocolate bar. I scrunched up my nose and shook my head. That boy was always eating.

“Nothing,” I mumbled.

“I know you better than that.”

“Whatever.”

“Fine, fine. Can you believe it, we’re graduating tomorrow,” he exclaimed excitedly. On the surface I held a bright smile but inside I was crying. It was the end of one story and I had to start a new one by myself. I was never the creative type.

“We need to celebrate tomorrow,” he continued to speak. I stayed absolutely quiet. I was afraid to open my mouth to say something in case I began to break down and that was the last thing I wanted to do in front of Chansung.

“We should go out to dinner tomorrow,” he offered. I shook my head.

“My parents are taking me out,” I replied curtly. He frowned as he waited for my offer to come. I rolled my eyes and sighed. He knew it was going to come. That pout was on his face with those puppy eyes.

“Stop making that face, it makes you look pitiful. I’ll ask. I’m sure they’ll be fine with it,” I told him and chuckled lightly as he clapped his hands with glee and dug back into his lunch as I picked at mine slowly.

---

“We’ve done it!” Chansung yelled and held his hand ready for a high five. I pushed past him and ran over to another one of my friends who was in tears.

“Haeri, don’t cry. We’ll see each other again,” I began to say but ended up turning on the water works too. I hated it when others cried because it made me cry too.

“Look Haeri, you’ve made me cry too,” I stomped my feet like a small child with a watery smile plastered on my face. She chuckled lightly and pulled me into a small hug.

“Keep in contact with me. Just because you’re going to be a star doesn’t mean you can forget about me, okay?” I joked around with her and puffed out my cheeks like I was I mad. She laughed and nodded her head. That was one less person I had to worry about…

“Look at you, your eyes all bloodshot,” Chansung rushed over to me and wiped my tears. He pulled me into his arms and held me gently whilst my hair in a comforting way. I found myself in tears again as I realised I would miss those little things he does to me.

“Don’t leave me,” I whined and cried harder. He whispered to me that he would never leave me; by the sound of his voice, he sounded like he was almost going to cry too.

“Aw look at the two of you. It makes me unwilling to send my daughter away,” my mum spoke up making the two of us break apart. I brushed the tears away from my eyes. I bet I looked attractive right now with make up smeared on my face.

“Sending her away?” Chansung questioned my mother. Her eyes flickered to my guilty face as I looked down. I could feel both of their gazes on me. It was very uncomfortable.

“I’m guessing she hasn’t told you,” my mum trailed off and left us alone to talk. I sighed as she was out of sight.

“I was accepted to Harvard,” I said unable to meet his eyes. Chansung didn’t say anything. The atmosphere around us was filled with tension; none of us knowing what to say.

“That’s great,” he exclaimed with fake enthusiasm and a grin that wasn’t genuine. We both knew it was a façade.

“Don’t Channie,” I shook my head. He sighed deeply and pulled me away somewhere where it was only us two.

“What should I say then? Don’t go. You need to go, it’s your dream. I remember you telling me about how you’ve longed to get into Harvard. This is your chance,” he told me. I shook my head and paced back and forth.

“If you tell me not to go and genuinely mean it I won’t go. I’ll stay here,” I begged him and pursed my lips. My eyes were becoming teary again. He looked up to face me. His eyes were filled with sadness and confusion whereas mine held desperation.

“No. I won’t be selfish,” he said ending the conversation and left me alone in the garden where we both met. The bench that we had sat on as we waited for our parents to pick us up. The pathway where I had tripped over multiple times. That streetlight that we had stood under as we shared our first kiss. So many memories at this place and I couldn’t help to think, was this going to be it?

I sat on the grass and held my legs as I rested my head on my knees. My heart was aching. I wanted him to be selfish. I wanted him to act like he should have. I didn’t want him to do what he thought was right.

“I need you more than you know,” I cried quietly repeating this one phrase.

---

“Are you leaving?” Jay stood at my door. I nodded and continued to pack my luggage. He walked in and began to help.

“He wanted to best for you,” he said softly.

We both knew that topic was going to come up. Since that day I had begged him to tell me to stay we had avoided each other. Or mainly me avoiding him. It was a sensitive topic for me. I had spent endless nights trying to erase him from my memory thinking it would make my new start easier but I had spent more than half my life with him so it was hard.

“I know,” I whispered quietly.

“Does he know you’re leaving tomorrow?” Jay asked. I bit my lip and shook my head.

“Tell him,” he told me.

I didn’t know whether I should or not. If I would have told him then it would mean that he would probably see me off, which would make it harder for me to leave. But it might give me the closure that I needed. And if I didn’t see him then I know that I would regret it later on.

Without mulling over it any longer, I picked up my phone and called Chansung.

“Come over,” was all I said and hung up without hearing an answer. I didn’t want it to lead to some argument so I avoided all the unnecessary words.

Ten or fifteen minutes later Chansung was at my door. We stood there awkwardly. I told him to wait for a second while I got my jacket so we could head out.

We ended up walking to a nearby park. The one that we spent our weekend nights at eating ice cream and talking about our week or our future. I sat myself on one of the swings and Chansung sat himself on the one next to mine.

“I’m leaving tomorrow morning,” I told him breaking the silence but not for long as it fell back to the quiet atmosphere.

“Don’t go. There’s so much I need to tell you,” he broke and knelt in front of me. I slapped his hands away as they tried to take mine.

“You tell me now. I can’t not go. My ticket’s been booked and I’ve already rejected the other offers and accepted that one. It’s too late Channie,” I yelled but softened nearer towards the end of my words.

“Don’t go. I need you. I love you,” he begged. I froze and my eyes widened. Did he say what I thought he had said?

“I love you,” he repeated like he had read my mind.

“Don’t tell me this now,” I pleaded him. Tears were falling down again. These words were too hard to hear right now. This was too painful to listen to, especially knowing that I had to leave tomorrow.

“Don’t you feel the same Sunhae?” he asked me with his eyes glistening with tears. I bit my lip and shook my head. Lie. I don’t know why I did it; maybe it was because I thought it would be easier for him if he believed it. Maybe I thought it would be because he wouldn’t wait for me and live on without me.

“I can see through you,” he screamed at me. My heart hurt more than ever. I was lying to the person I had longed for so long.

“Tell me. Tell me it’s not true,” he shrieked. I nodded my head stiffly. How I wanted to stop this pain for the both of us? Why did I meet Chansung? It would have been so much easier without him in my life.

“Say it. Tell me that you don’t feel the same,” he pleaded. I shook my head wishing he didn’t make me say it.

“I don’t,” I started off weakly, “I don’t –” I broke off unable to say those words when they were untrue

“I knew you were lying,” he said and cupped my cheeks making me look at him.

“I love you Park Sunhae,” he confessed and pressed him lips to mine gently. As much as I wanted to push him away and reject him, I couldn’t. I lost myself in him. The way he makes me feel safe and comfortable was overwhelming. The light kisses he gave me were addicting. I found myself falling deeper for Chansung making it undeniably harder for me tomorrow.

“I love you too Chansung,” I told him giving him a chaste kiss.

“I don’t want to leave,” I cried burying my head into his shoulder.

“I don’t want you too either,” he smoothed out my hair.

---

I hadn’t told Chansung the time of my flight because I knew my condition would be worse if I saw him before I leave. Instead, I left a letter with him expressing my feelings to him.

“Will you be okay?” Jay asked me for the 5^th time. I nodded and gave him one last hug.

“I’ll miss you,” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“Me too,” he replied as we pulled away. Before I moved on to bidding my parents farewell, he planted a small kiss on my forehead.

“I love you mum and dad. I’ll miss you. I’ll call often,” I told them shakily. My mum shook her head as she began to cry.

“I love you darling. We’ll see you soon,” she embraced me tightly with my father standing next to her ready to comfort her as soon as I left.

“I love you daddy. Make sure mum is okay. Keep her happy,” I told him and hugged him tightly before boarding the plane.

I stopped at the gate and gave one last wave. So many emotions swirled in my head. Uncertainty, confusion, frightened, those were not even half of what I was feeling. To be honest I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. My emotions seemed to contradict each other. There was one thing I was sure of though, I knew I was going to be back.

---

Chansung groggily woke up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He was still dazed from last night.

He sat up and rushed as he realised today was the day Sunhae was leaving. He was so caught up in telling her how he felt that he didn’t ask her what time she was leaving. Hopefully, they were still at home or at the airport.

He ran downstairs only to be stopped by his mum.

“Sunhae told me to give you this,” she told him and passed an envelope with his name printed neatly on it.

“When was she here?” he asked her.

“Around 7am,” she replied. Chansung’s heart dropped; it meant she had already left and she was probably on the plane already.

He opened the envelope and pulled out the letter.

Dear Chansung,

By the time you get this letter, I would have left already. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what time my flight was at. I figured it was the best. I wouldn’t have wanted to make it harder than it was.

I love you. You should know that from last night. I love you. I love you. I love you. I don’t know how many times I have to say it before it doesn’t sound foreign to me. I didn’t want to leave but I did. Like you said, this is my dream so I should live it, even if it means leaving you. I’ll be back though. Four years and I’ll be back. Whether you wait for me or not is your choice. Don’t tell me your answer though. I’ll like to think you will wait for me. Keep me thinking.

Don’t try to call me on my phone. I would have changed my number. It’s not because I don’t want to talk to you but more like I don’t want to miss you more than I would. And don’t bug Jaebeom into giving my number to you because he won’t and if he does I will cut off his ahem. I bet you’re smiling now, even if it’s just a little bit.

Don’t forget, I love you pabo.

-Park Sunhae x

---

Okay, this is officially the longest one shot I have written. I hope this was bitter sweet enough for you. It’s really late, I know but better late than never yeah? :D haha, I hope you enjoyed it.