There’s a long silence throughout the room as the members stare at both of us, and I watch Jongin. After a few seconds of his eyes searching mine, his face drops and his gaze fall down towards his lap. I want to pat his back or show some sort of comfort, but I can’t. He looks like he might snap with emotion and yell or maybe something worse.

“Let’s do the dishes!” Suho stands up abruptly, and all the members murmur agreements, following the leader into the kitchen.

We sit in a little more silence his eyes focused on the table until looks at me. “Why didn’t I find out sooner?”

“I- I told your manager to tell you. I guess he wanted me to tell you myself, since he didn’t tell you. And dad… well, you know dad. He… doesn’t really care.” I meet Jongin's eyes and he nods understandingly.

“Is there… is there going to be a funeral?”

I wish his manager had told him this rather than me. It’s harder, seeing him so sad about this. But it’s better coming from family. He’s responding much stronger than I expected. Maybe SM’s worked the tears out of him, where he can’t get upset over things that easily anymore.

“I asked dad, and he said he wasn’t going to organize anything. He sent her body to the cementary without a funeral. He said… he said he could- Uh, yeah, he just said that.”

“No, what? He said he could what?”

“N-Nothing.” I avoid meeting his eyes, but I can feel his stare on me.

“Eunji, tell me.”
“He said her dying meant he could finally leave this hell hole.” I let the words fall out quickly, and shock rushes across Jongin's face. I didn’t expect for him to be surprised about that more than sad. Our dad’s always been like that. He’s always been blunt and rude to us and mom. But seeing as Jongin’s not crying and I barely have recently, I guess his harshness has made both of us stronger.

“I wondered why you didn’t want to go to America. I thought mom would be there too.” I nod, biting my lip and he smiles at me, “Then I’m happy you’re here and you can stay as long as you want.” He takes my hand and squeezes it, just like he always did when we were little to comfort me. I can’t help but grin and lean my head on his shoulder.

I take his and my plates to the kitchen and wash them, my mind resembling a TV without signal. Filled with nonsensical thoughts that I have no idea how to sort out. Some of the guys left their plates out so I wash those too, busying myself with cleaning them until they’re spick and span.

“I’m sorry about your mother,” a voice says from behind me. I turn around and come face to face with Luhan, who’s smiling though his eyes are searching mine.

I return the smile. “Thanks. I’m not going to be mourning all over the place though.”

He frowns. "That's peculiar, not to mourn after such a big impact on your life," He says, eyes widening when I stare at him. Maybe I should cry, scream, slam my fists against the walls but I've never really been able to cope with anything well, I guess. It's hard for me to know when it's appopriate to express how I'm feeling when I'd much rather try picking myself up and carrying on with life.

"It’s sad though," he looks down, "Kai always talked a lot about how wonderful your mom was. He told us stories of when he was little and you and him would go to amusement parks and your mom would buy you a stuffed animal if you went on a rollercoaster since you're both afraid of heights, right?”

I nod, my eyes beginning to well up but I blink away any threatening tears, focusing on the plate I'm scrubbing. Luhan notices my silence, and offers to do the dishes.

“Don’t you have training or something today?” I ask, staring at the plate.
“Yeah, in about half an hour.”

“Then you should get ready for them. I can do the dishes.”

“But you made us br-" He reaches for the plate but I move it out of his reach and his eyes crinkle in amusement.

“No buts, go on.” I push his shoulder lightly and he sulks, trudging away, a mumbled "okay," trailing after his steps.

I finish up the dishes and head to Jongin's room, knocking on it. No one responds so I push the door open, just to almost scream my head off.

Luhan's turned away from me however he looks over his shoulder when I open the door, his mouth becoming a small 'o'. I can't think of anything logical to say because his shirt is not where it should be, on his body, and is rather in his hands while his toned stomach and lean collarbone are engulfing my vision.

Oh my god, I need to sit down.

I cover my eyes, spinning around. “I'm sorry, I just, the door, it was, you didn't say anything?!” I quickly spin on my heel and throw the door shut behind me. With no destination in mind I end up on the couch in the living room, curled into a ball underneath a blanket.

Suho walks in the room and eyes me, alert. "Eunji, are you okay?"

I nod, peeking out from the blanket and sitting up properly. "Yeah, sorry. I just.... I saw a spider."

Suho grimaces, ruffling his hair. "Oh. It's okay, I hate spiders too."

"Once he screeched like a little girl and stood on top of a chair until Xiumin had to take care of it," Baekhyun adds, passing by and patting his leader on the shoulder. Suho grimaces, shaking his head. "Ay... well, we better get going soon. Five minutes, guys," He shouts, heading through the hallway and knocking on various doors.

Jongin comes out of the bathroom, looking oddly normal after having heard what I told him not twenty minutes earlier.

"Are you okay?" I ask him. "You seem really-"

He waves his hand, his lips a tight line. "I'm fine, just... forget about it right now. You’re going to be coming with us to practice, okay?”

I squint at him with suspicion, “Practice? Like the twelve hour thing you do every day?” He nods, and my jaw drops. “What should I do for twelve hours there?!”

“Watch your amazing dancing brother be as cool as he is.”

“I have an amazing brother? Did mom and dad keep him a secret?”

He punches my arm and I shrivel away, rubbing my arm, "Can't I stay here?" I whine, sinking underneath the blanket once again.

He shakes his head, "Our manager says he wants to meet you and he doesn't want you rotting here every day. "Now get up and go get ready," he pulls on my arm and I trudge away.

“I’ll be even more bored if I go with you,” I mumble, heading to the room.

I slam my fist against the door, wincing each time my knuckles whack on the wood, making sure my knocks are definitely audible from the other side.

Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch-

“You can come in,” Luhan says, and I peek through the door. Luhan’s sitting on his bed, scrolling through his phone. He smiles at me, a taunting grin, his eyes gleaming slightly.

“Uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be in here getting dressed,” I mumble, walking to my suitcase with my back turned towards him.

“I know you liked what you saw.” He says seductively.

I spin around, eyebrows scrunched together “No I didn’t!’ His grin is stretching, an eyebrow rising slowly and he suddenly cracks up, whacking his knee. “You’re so gullible! I’ll take note of that.”

“No I’m not!”

“Yeah you are.”

I wave him off, glad he's not going to make things awkward. "Where’s the bathroom?” I grab a change of clothes from my suitcase, keeping my voice from wobbling and avoiding looking at his face.

“Across the hall. Make sure to knock.” He adds, giving me that big grin again.

I roll my eyes but turn and walk away away so he doesn’t see the slight heat rushing to my cheeks.

I knock on the bathroom door and slowly open it when no one speaks up from the other side, making sure to squint in case another shirtless boy pops out of nowhere. Thank god it’s clear and I hurry in and lock the door, getting dressed.

I exit the bathroom and return to the bedroom, throwing my dirty clothes in a bag in my suitcase. Jongin enters and sees me dressed.

“Okay, you two are ready, I’m ready, those eight are ready…” He walks down the hall and bangs on a door.

“WUFAN HURRY UP."

The door swings open and I hear Kris’s voice mumble, “Cocky little dancer.”

“I heard that!” Jongin calls from another room.

“I meant for you to.”

He enters the room again and smiles, “Everyone’s ready. Let’s go!” He hops off and I follow after, smiling.

I wonder what it’ll be like, watching them train. Seeing as everything I’ve experienced in their dorm for the past ten hours I’ve been here has been completely surprising, I expect for today to be completely unexpected.

Probably will be.

his smile man ;_; it's so perfect and beautiful and cute and just gudsfkjl;