Sometimes the thing that we are scared to face is right in front of us, and the truth that we want to avoid is always written in our face but we’re just too afraid to acknowledge it because it’s not possible anymore, so we keep on denying it… hoping that we will forget the feeling eventually if we keep on denying it.

We keep on denying anything because it’s either we’re not sure or we are sure but it’s a mistake to admit it, to accept that unimaginable thought, so we just keep on denying it to avoid it; to avoid any conflict.

We can’t be together anyway so I shouldn’t have entertain that thought but it escaped its prison and now it made itself known, that feeling made itself known and now I can’t ignore it anymore. Because no matter what I do, the truth always shows itself and it keeps on building up until your heart bursts or shatters its shell.

Why must I fall to someone who can’t reciprocate my feelings? Who won’t be able to reciprocate it? Why must it be to the wrong person? Why must we fall to the wrong person? Why must it be to Joon Gi? Why can’t it be to Haneul? Why can’t it be to the right person?

Cupid, if you’re listening to my thoughts then you better go to an iridologist because your eyesight is quiet outrageous right now. You put an arrow to the wrong person, you should take it back and give it to the right person please?

I beg you.

He is definitely more than a friend. That thought occurred to my mind after I sang, slipping the prison that I put it on.

I look down at my friends and smiled at them “Guys, I—I need to go to the bathroom. Excuse me for a while” I said, my voice shaking.

I ran into the bathroom and lock myself into one of the cubicles and finally, like a shameless person that I am, my tears fell.

Alright already!

Joon Gi is more than a friend to me, I like him more than a friend okay? I’ll admit it now. So please, my heart, stop screaming in my mind about that fact because my lips might slip and say it out loud and it might cause a big trouble.

I’ve admitted it now so please “Please…” I utter in a whisper. I can’t and I won’t ruin their beautiful relationship. I’m not a home wrecker or whatever you call that.

I won’t do anything, so please my heart, cooperate with your owner and stop beating so loud! They might hear it because of your loud beating!

I clench my hands.

Walking through the hallways as if everything is a blur, my mind is nowhere near concentration, it’s in chaos and I don’t know where my feet are taking me.

My foot stopped and I saw the bench that I once slept on. What I saw made my heart shattered again and again like a broken record, hearing it ringing in my ears. Hanna and Joon Gi is kissing and I—I just can’t watch it. I want to run and hide but I can’t because my feet is frozen.

My tears are about to fall again because it hurts. It badly hurts and I don’t know how a heart break feels until this moment. It feels like you’re dying, your heart is breaking and it hurts so badly you forget to breathe properly.

Someone’s palm covered the sight, made me turn to that person exactly when a single tear fell from my eyes. He slightly drag me “Hey” the voice said softly that my mind forgot to register who is the owner of it.

“You do love him…” he said in a matter of factly voice. As if he had known it for years.

My tears became waterfalls. I sniff and more tears fell. I slowly look up and that person is Joohyuk.

Great, his brother.

“N—no, something just went into my e—eyes, it hurts s—so I—“ I struggled to find the words because what I saw earlier kept on flashing before my eyes.

“Why do you keep on denying it?” his voice is sad. He already knows why I keep on denying it.

I faced him, tear stricken “Because I can’t handle the truth, okay? I can’t handle it. It’s too much, it’s heavy and I can’t bear it!” I exclaimed, while he keeps on wiping my face.

“Feels like I can’t breathe for that moment and I wished I didn’t admit it to myself because it’s hard and it hurts, Joohyuk-ah. Something is squeezing my heart tightly, throwing daggers at it and …it hurts. I never thought that falling in love hurts…I—”

“Sshh, come here” he said and pat my back. “Falling in love doesn’t hurt, it is a beautiful feeling but it only hurts when there is a block that we can’t climb, and that is knowing where you stand” he said, sympathy written all over his face.

“I don’t even want to fall in love with him you know. I like the guy that you kept on calling nerd. I should fall in love to him instea—“

“Stop. Ji eun-ah, you can’t teach a heart to love someone you don’t. It’s too cruel, you’ll just keep on lying to yourself” he replied softly.

“Then what should I do? I don’t want to intrude! I don’t want to get in between! I don’t even want to fall in love with him! Why am I so stupid?! What am I going to do? You’re not going to say it to him right? You’ll keep this as a secret right?” I said in frustration, my mind is in chaos and I can’t think straight. I phase back and forth and raking my hair with shaky hands.

“Sshh, you’re not stupid okay? Calm down, It’s just that sometimes life is hard but don’t worry after the rain comes a sunshine”

“Ya, you’re not even helping” I replied in frustration.

“I just want to make you smile. You’ve been too stressed lately about your personal life and now this adds” he sighs “I’m worried because you can’t be stressed, you’ll collapse again and you might be put into a critical condition…again” he added.

I stopped phasing back and forth and slowly look at him “I’m not saying this to be mean, but Ji eun-ah, please watch out for your health first. Don’t worry, we are here for you, you’re not alone with that secret. I know that you are worried right now because I might tell my brother, but don’t worry because you are my best friend and there are things that I won’t tell him” he said.

“So please, stop having a panic attack” he said with a soft smile and pat my back.

My tears fell again with the realization that I was having a panic attack again. He wiped my tears “Yes, you are having a panic attack a while ago. But don’t worry, okay? Everything will work out just fine, me and Seohyun will help you out with what you are going through right now, so calm down” he smiled softly and I nodded “Let’s exercise your breathing, okay?” he added and he helped me normalize my breathing and I couldn’t be more thankful for having a best friend like him.

“And don’t worry about hiding your feelings, especially from my brother because he might be smart but he is still dense. He won’t notice it for sure because I and Seohyun will help you out okay?” he said softly like he is talking to a little kid and I nodded like an oblivious child.

My phone rang, I checked the i.d caller and it is eomma. My brows knot “Yoboseyo?” I uttered and what eomma said over the phone made my eyes wide.

“Eomma…” I felt sad again.

“I’m sorry, Ji eun-ah” she said over the phone before hanging up.

I turn to Joohyuk “Why? What’s wrong?”