December 12, 2015

Dear diary,

Update, on Yerin. For some reason, she has gotten a lot more skinshippy with me… and I don’t know how to feel about that. I mean, she might just be doing that to like make up for that fact that she knows that I like her… or she might be doing it because she wants to feel if my heart races when I hug her! Omg, what if? Like what if she’s only hugging me to check? I mean, I would want some proof that a person actually likes me if I were in her position! But, that thought kind of makes me sad… that’s why I wanted to wait before I told Yerin that I was bi, or before I even told her I liked her. I wanted to know if her actions and friendship were genuine… now… I don’t know. I want to believe that she is genuine, but my social anxiety says otherwise.

I am quite torn about this conundrum though… like, Yerin is adorable. The other day she came up to me and hugged me for a real long time and said that I smelled good. The next day and pointed at my shirt and asked if it were the same shirt, and to make sure she touched my torso to check if there was a pocket. When she found that there was, she lightly tickled me. Another day, it was pajama day, and she was wearing adorable pants and she walked up to me and lifted her leg the best she could (she’s not that flexible) and was like, “You like my pants,” in the cutest way possible. Like, who knew that that phrase would be so adorable!

I hate that I still like her like this despite knowing that I’ll never get with her... it hurts me a lot, but at the same time, just the thought of her make me happy.

I feel bad for Yerin though, like I’m really awkward with some people (pretty much anyone but Sowon, Yuju, Umji and Sinb). I really want to get close with Yerin… but it’s kinda hard to do that with someone you like.

I don’t know, maybe I’ll get over these feelings for her and then happily become friends with her.

Eunha