October 4, 2015

Dear Diary

            It feels like I have been neglecting you. Sorry, things have been really tough. I’ve been stressing out, like a lot. It’s gotten to the point where it’s unhealthy. Yesterday, I was sitting in the bathroom and was crying as every thought that I pushed into the back of my mind burst out and invaded my whole body.

            You’ll never be accepted.

            You’re a failure.

            You won’t ever make it.

            Stop fooling yourself.

            Imagine what others think.

            I broke down and sobbed in the bathroom and ditched class. I have social anxiety and have a dangerously low self-esteem. I stress too much other the future and can’t focus on the present. I was failing my classes because of that. It was quite terrible… there’s a limit to how much a person can take and I underestimated my limit. As I was having my crisis in the stall, someone entered the bathroom. No one ever comes to this bathroom, as it was too far for anyone’s convenience. The girl opened the stall door (being stupid, I forgot to lock to stall), and of course, to my dismay, it was Yerin. Being seen like this by the girl I loved felt horrible. I pushed past her and ran out of the bathroom. I kept running until I reached my locker (which was on the other side of the building). I sat down and put my head in my arms and waited for my face to dry of tears.

            School ended and I walked outside, I didn’t feel like going to dance. I left my backpack in my locker; I’ll probably get it when dance finishes and when my mom picks me up (I haven’t had time to get my permit yet). I looked down at my feet and then I suddenly saw another pair of feet that appeared in front of me. I looked up and suddenly I was wrapped in a tight embrace. I immediately recognized the girl who was hugging me—it was Yerin. Her warmth and scent enveloped me, and before I knew it, my arms were wrapped around her.

            “Are you ok?” She asked.

            I replied with a nod.

            “No you’re not,” she said.

            “Why do you say that?” I replied.

            “Because if you were fine then you wouldn’t be crying right now.” She said as she hugged me tighter.

            I blinked and I looked down over her shoulder and realized that it was wet.

            “What’s wrong?” She asked.

            I laughed as more tears flowed from my eyes. “Everything,” My mouth began moving on its own. “I’m scared, Yerin,”

            “Of?”

            “Everything, the future, the present,” I said. I was about to just confess my feelings for her, but I kept that in.

            “Eun, don’t be.” Yerin started, “You’re smart, you’re amazing. I know it might seem cheesy, but everything will get better.”

            “But I don’t want to wait, I don’t want to fight, I just want it to end,” I said.

            “I know it can be hard, but everything will get better, I believe in you,” Yerin said. “I love you, I don’t want to see you like this,”

            I buried my head into her shoulder, “I’m sorry,”

            “For what?” She said.

            “I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I’m sorry that you have to waste your words on someone like me.”

            “Eun, don’t say that,”

            “I care about you, Yerin. It pains me that you have to see me like this. It pains me to know that you’ll treat me like this knowing how unstable I am. I love you Yerin, so I want to change. Even if I’m not my own motivation, you can be my motivation. I want to be able to talk to you normally and not talk out of grief. I’ll make that my motivation. I’m sorry if I’m putting too much of a burden on you.”

            I don’t know exactly what got into me, but everything just flowed out. I pretty much even confessed to her. I think it was because I was getting quite delirious from crying, but whatever it was… I’m gonna have to punch it in the face.

            “If that’s what it’ll take for you to take the stress away from you then I’ll be willing to be used in any way.” Yerin said as she hugged me tightly.

            “Thank you,” Was all I said.

            “I love love love you!” Yerin said as she raised my head.

            “I love you,” I replied.

            Everything after that was kind of blurry. I’ll never forget that moment. It will forever be crystal clear in my mind. But it also pained me… knowing that Yerin doesn’t see me the same way I see her… Oh well, I’m pretty content with how close I am with her now.

            Wow, my life sounds like a fanfic…

            If you’re wondering what I did today after that whole awkward conversation… simply… I ditched school.

            I’m too awkward to see her after all that! Sadly I won’t be able to see her gorgeous face for one day, but my social anxiety won today…

            Yeah… my parents are probably going to yell at me when they find out later tonight…

            Guess they just found out… my mom is yelling at me to come down so I’ll have to leave now…

            Well, until next time!
 

EunHa

Sorry of this seems more narrative than like, diary-like... I've never written a diary and haven't really read any diary stories... 

Maybe if you guys have some suggestions to make it more diary-like then feel free to criticize me and comment lol!

I was thinking that i can make this story 100 chapters long as like diaries have 100 pages in the usually, but idk if that'll be too long. Comment ur thoughts? I'm still kinda new to this type of writing, as I'm more into narratives... so yah. I need help!

Well, until next time!