When people ask what your biggest fear is, you usually get answers like spiders, snakes, or the dark. For me, my biggest fear has always been the future and moving forward in life. 99% of the time when i think about the future, i don’t see myself in it. When you asked the question “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” I would always come up with the logical answer of the career path that i have chosen, which was, “I see myself in africa studying lions underneath a savannah tree.” But when i ask that question to myself and not to a professor, i don’t see myself in the future. I think it is because i never saw myself surviving that long in this life. I do stuff the hard way every time, with everything, it seems. When i think about how hard life is, i ask myself why i would even bother trying to live it. I’m lazy and don’t like putting effort into my own life. I help others, put effort into that, but i never do that for my own self. I don’t think i deserve to live very long, i am nice on the outside, but on the inside i really don’t care about anyone but my family and close friends, and all the animals in the world, well besides monkeys, i don’t really care for monkey, but i am thankful to their contribution to evolution. Like, say an entire country of people got slaughtered, i would just think “well, that .” Well i guess saying i wouldn’t care completely is a bit much. But i don’t see the point in helping someone so far away, i would rather be able to physically help them. But i also don’t want to go into a career of helping people, i also hate donating. I also am not completely against killing people, if it's for a reason. If i was protecting myself or my family, friends, pets or animals, i would not hesitate to hurt that person fatally. Especially wolves, i consider them to be my brothers and sisters, if i see them killed in front of me or injured by the hand of a human, i don’t believe that person deserves mercy.

I’m a heartless,cold-blooded person. I don’t deserve to live. But my parents, friends, and family don’t deserve to go through the misery of losing me. That’s why i live for them and not myself.

Whenever i think about moving forward in life, my depression kicks in. Eventually, i will be living by myself. I don’t think i will ever get a boyfriend because of how depressing i can be with my lack of care for myself, also i probably don't deserve them.

I don’t know what i will do when all my friends and family are gone from this world, but for now i will live for them. Like i said in a previous entry, maybe one day, i will be able to live for myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry if any of the entries are strange, i put all the entries that i have done until today so it might look a little wierd.