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“Of all the hardships a person had to face, none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting” – A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseini.

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*

JUNHO

I sat on the wooden chair in front of the table. It felt like forever waiting for him to come. I glanced at the huge clock hung on the wall opposite to me. It had been half an hour since I came here. The tension inside me increased by very second passing by and it just encouraged me to get up and start pacing around. But I shouldn’t do that. It would decrease my control on my anxiety levels.

I diverted my attention to the pictures hung on the wall with expensive frames. I had seen these pictures so many times, I had almost memorized them. I had come here countless times and those pictures were the only thing I would look at whenever I waited.

But this time it wasn’t helping. A small drop of sweat slowly forced its way down my temple. I rubbed it off with my thumb and cleared my throat as the door opened.

Chansung entered with a file in his hand and his reading glasses on. I sighed with relief as he entered. The air felt a lot cooler. Without glancing at me, he said a “Hey” and sat on the revolving chair on the other side of the table.

His name flashed on a glass name plate kept on the table. HWANG CHANSUNG – THERAPIST.

Generally people came here to wash away their anxiety and unexplained sorrows. They were depressed because they had been victims of betrayal, breakups or some disorders. Even I had experienced all these. I was a victim, but a perpetrator also. And that fact had been eating me alive from inside. For the past 6 years, I had been receiving treatment. I probably would have gone crazy and suicided by now if it wasn’t for Chansung, my friend/therapist.

“So. You’re getting those dreams again?” He asked keeping the file down and looking at me with friendly eyes.

“Yeah. The same one. The dark room, him in the corner, and me beside him. Him getting beaten up instead of me. Everything is so clear in my mind even when I wake up”

“So you’re not sleeping properly?”

“Hmm…” I nodded.

He nodded his head and scribbled a medicine’s name on the prescription note.

“Let’s start with taking these medicines again. These are the same ones I had prescribed initially when you had those dreams” He said handing me the note.

“Alright” I said taking the note. 

“What is it? What else is happening?” he asked with narrowed eyes as he realized I was still nervous and wasn’t satisfied with what he gave me.

“I…I’m going to Seoul” I blurted out. I sighed and looked down. My face probably showed all the nervousness, anxiety, uneasiness and every other negative feeling inside me. I felt myself shivering and the note turning wet because of my sweaty palm.

“Just relax. Don’t panic” He said passing me a glass of water.

I drank it in one shot with slightly trembling hands. A lump had formed in my throat and it was hard to swallow my own spit, let alone water.

“So….why are you going to Seoul?” He asked looking at me.

“I…The Company is sending me. For a project. As a Senior Designer for his Hotel Business”

“HIS hotel business?” He asked emphasizing on HIM.

“Yeah…I don’t know how this can happen”

“Well…that’s good right. You can settle things between you. Maybe you’ll be able to reduce your anxiety-”

“But I’m not ready” I cut him. My eyes showed complete vulnerability. I knew it. The moment I found out I was supposed to work in his company, everything suddenly came to a stop. I couldn’t think properly. My brain had stopped working. It was a struggle getting an appointment with Chansung.

“Not ready for what?”

“To talk to him”

“But you’ve been waiting for this moment. When you could talk to him and apologize to him”

“Yeah! But now that I think about it, he’d never want to even see my face! He’d be filled with anger. I I’ve always wanted to see him again, but I never really thought of what I’d tell him when I’d meet him”

“Apologize”

“He hates me” I said plainly. Though my eyes were fixed at him, I had no specific thoughts in my mind, nor was my mind registering what I was seeing. I was just blank.

“You can change that”

I looked up at him with questioning eyes. Could I really change the fact that, the person I was longing to see, hated me? I had betrayed him, broken his trust in the worst way possible. I hated every part of me since that day I made that stupid decision which ruined our lives.

Would he really accept me again? I was craving for him. I wanted him back so badly but I just didn’t have the courage to talk to him.

“Junho” Chansung’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

 “It’s okay to be scared. But remember, if you lose this chance, you might never get it again. It’ll be even worse” he said.

“Yeah” I agreed as I buried my face in my hands. I could feel the hotness of my cheeks.

I felt his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it gently. I looked up at him with moist eyes “I’m not ready. I’m not. I can’t face him. I can’t handle him looking at me with hatred filled in his eyes”

“I know Junho. Just calm down. Don’t panic”

“What do I say to him? Hey! Long time no see. I missed you. And yeah, I’m sorry for the I did, let’s forget about it!” I snapped.

“Junho!” he shouted.

I closed my mouth at once. He was the only person who would listen to me but also know how to shut me up and calm me down when I got paranoid.

“I’ll tell you how to go about it. Not like you were living your life happily after leaving him. You suffered a lot too. You were in a devastated state too. The sole reason you left him turned against you. In fact you went through something even more horrific than him. Which is why you are like this! After he comes to know this, he won’t hate you. I can promise you that!”

“Don’t promise. Please” I choked. Tears I was holding back finally ran down. Promises were always broken. I hated promises.

I felt his hand patting my back. It w