Chapter 52. Clarity

Yonghwa held her hand as they took the path back to where their cars awaited them. No words were spoken as if they didn’t need any. Her hand had that familiar smoothness on his palm that he would want to hold it tighter but he could not. At least he was allowed that— only for a moment, he had that chance to hold her again. Darkness finally took over the land while the mellow flicker of the park’s lights were their beacon as the breeze continued to caress their cool skin.

She slowly slipped her hand away from his when they neared her car and he did not make any attempt to take her back. Instead, he took a step back. Joohyun searched for his eyes but she could only from that little light they were allowed to have.

“Will you be okay?” She finally asked under her breath as he silently answered her with a light nod, “Okay—“

“Joohyun…” Yonghwa seized her hand when she was about to press her key.

She turned to him with a question that she chose not to ask.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered.

“Stop it… I don’t need your apologies— there’s no need for that,” she turned away while fighting back the tears that were building up again. “Go back home. They’re waiting for you…”

Yonghwa held her by the elbow and gently let her face him again—brushing each finger lightly on her skin. “Can I pull you back into my life?”

“Not yet…” Joohyun finally met his gaze despite the darkness that surrounded them and moved her arm to her side so as to let his grip slide away from her.

“I need you here—“

“Oppa,” she started with the tone strong enough for him to let her talk first but with gentleness that begged for his attention.

He waited in silence as she seemed to rearrange her thoughts.

“If I don’t have this jealousy in here,” she placed her knuckles on her chest trying hard not to cry, “Would it mean that my love for you is stronger than anything else?”

If that question needed a response then it would be hard for him to answer. What she said was strong—too forceful that it blew his mind because she was right. He fell silent and waited for her to go on.

“I need to find the answer to that question…” she swallowed that lump in and hurriedly brushed aside that tear that escaped her eyes, “Let me find the answer myself…”

He was about to reach out and run his hands on her hair or dab that moisture on her face but he drew back because he knew she wouldn’t want him to touch her right that moment. “You know where to find me just in case you realize that it’s stronger than anything else…” he finally said trying hard to read her thoughts.

“Yes… and I want you to ask yourself the same thing…” she forced a smile looking down and reaching out to hold his hand. Joohyun enveloped her cold hands around his that held the mark of his wedding band and brought it to her lips. She closed her eyes for a few moments just breathing in his scent ever trying to memorize it, “If your love for me is stronger than anything else… you will learn to let go and forgive yourself…”

She carefully released his hand but rested her palms on the contours of his face. The way her heart beat inside her chest was too obvious from the way her hands trembled as she held him. Gently, she moved closer and tiptoed to touch her lips tenderly on his. They stood frozen as he finally rested his own hands on her waist just as Joohyun took his lower lips between hers when he slowly parted his and moved inside him with ease.

She finally slid her body off his and stared deeply into his eyes, “…you would know where to find me when you have finally let go.”

Yonghwa moved aside when she pulled her car’s door open and slid inside without giving him a second glance. It was her goodbye but he did not say his—and never will. She needed space—that she will have. Joohyun believed that he needed time to think about them and he knew how right she was. What they gone through wouldn’t take overnight to settle. Not even her parting kiss could settle it. He himself still doubted if he was ready for that acceptance of what happened to Ha In or if he was finally forgiven himself for everything.

“Forgive yourself and let her go…”

~~~

“Euna…” he found her still awake despite the time. She was clutching her favorite teddy bear on her chest too tight that it bended on her little arm. Yonghwa walked over to her and sat on the edge of her bed.

“Where have you been? Halmeoni was so worried and Niccolo too…” she looked down on her bear and whispered, “… Euna du…”

“I just went for a walk…” he smiled and lifted her chin pushing her fringes aside so she would look at him.

“I helped halmoeni clean your room and we replaced umma’s frame…” her face twisted like she was about to cry, “I’m sorry, appa.”

He smiled shaking his head then grabbed her softly into an embrace, “No, baby. Appa is sorry… so sorry to Euna.”

“I promise I won’t do it again,” her voice trembled since she was trying hard not to  let her tears fall but it was too late—she was crying already.

“Aiooo, my baby… my life…” he cupped her cheeks brushing her tears with his thumb and planting a kiss on her forehead, “Stop crying now. It’s okay…”

“I love you, Appa, and I love my umma even if she is in heaven and I didn’t really remember her because I was a baby when she went there.”

Yonghwa chuckled. Euna always seemed to need to explain things in detail. He squeezed her gently, “I know that, baby. And umma in heaven loves Euna so much as well because she gave life to you. And appa loves you so much, my Euna. You are my life,” he choked on his words as he clutched her little body on his arms then he slowly released her, “Please don’t be