Chapter 50. Rage

“Please… Joohyun, what do you want me to do?”

“What do I want? Are you sure you want to hear what I want? I want you… I want you to love me. I want you to give your heart to me, completely— only to me…is that asking too much?”

The air became colder, or was it really cold outside? It was too late for him to notice. Yonghwa was fixated and just watched her hail a taxi leaving him wondering alone on that almost deserted space. He helplessly leaned on his car and slowly slid down to squat on the earth while his fingers found their way through his hair.

It was there, he could hear it. What she said were all clear. That was his wake up call. Could he really give her all that she wanted? Could he love her without reservations and hesitations? Maybe he wasn’t really in love with her. Maybe it was all attraction, infatuation and obsession—something far from love.

She didn’t deserve it—Joohyun didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

He should end it while he still could.

~~~

The worry look that the taxi driver had been throwing her way made her even more distressed. The old man was kind enough to stop by a mini-grocery and bought her a box of Kleenex since she was using the edge of her sleeves to dry her nose. Joohyun tried to compose herself but her tear ducts decided to think on their own. At least, she managed to let that big boulder out of her chest but it just hurt thinking how he looked when she finally declared what she wanted. She’d probably never forget that sight of him she caught on the rearview mirror of the taxi. Yonghwa slowly slid on his knees while his hands ran through his hair, she could not remember if it were tears that she saw.

That scene, she will never forgive herself for that.

Joohyun gave the driver a huge tip for his generosity and ran to her room as soon as she got home. The show was finally over and everything was concluded. Secretly, she hoped he would ran after her but she just consoled herself that at least they ended their guessing game—her guessing game since he hadn’t given her any answer. Then she remembered that she took off without waiting for one—as if he would give her that.

As if it would make any difference.

The water ran to her body that every drop seemed to wake all senses she possessed. Joohyun let her tears freely fall and join the running water down her body as she sobbed; as she mourned for the finality that just happened; as she surrendered the remaining emotions inside her. The water rested on the drain down into the abyss of nowhere and she hoped her anguish could be washed down and locked into that depth.

Joohyun could only hope the water would wash away all her sadness.

She laid herself in bed with nothing but the sheets to cover her body and her raw emotions. The pain that had been poisoning her soul took over but she wanted that night to be the last time that she would mourn for what never was. Joohyun curled herself in a ball and slithered deeper into the sheets to protect her from the chilly air of the room— and her heart.

Now she knew how love could bring that pain that she only heard of but never felt herself. She needed to bury that pain and only retain those happy moments she shared with him. Those silly and childish fights, those serious little talks, those tingling events, those smiles and laughter that would die down into a kiss—kisses, the tenderness.

She would miss everything about Jung Yonghwa and her memory won’t really serve their purpose.

~~~

He walked aimlessly as if he had forgotten the existence of his car on that parking lot. He didn’t really care anymore. The pain in his chest was unbearable like it all happened again, that the fateful night when he lost the first woman he ever loved revisited.

The sidewalk stretched across the wide pitch black night sky. His way was only led by those flickering street lamps that stood in silent line until they faded somewhere far ahead.

Yonghwa didn’t know where to go, what to do.

All he cradled inside himself was the pain.

~~~

His head hurts from all the bottles of soju that he managed to finish at that little shack the night before. Yonghwa tried to convince himself that it was all part of that drunken evil spirit taking its toll on him—that she did not really say what she said, that she wasn’t feeling that feeling when she said those words. But who was he fooling? Only himself apparently and he knew so since he could see it on her eyes. “Hello,” Yonghwa managed to say the moment she took her seat across him.

“Hi…” she tried to appear calm but seeing those dark circles around his eyes were already killing her. Seohyun knew that she hurt him so much but she selfishly wondered if he realized how much she was hurting. The air-conditioning system in the restaurant buzzed with a confusingly cold air that crept on her body making her bumps more visible. She nervously laid her lips on that hot coffee only to feel that man’s eyes studying her every move.

The clanking of her cup as it met the saucer made him look down. Only that single word transpired after she arrived a few minutes ago. They just sat there quietly sipping their coffees looking exactly the same—devastated and broken. Their eyes met the moment she looked up.

“I’m sorry about last night, everything went out of hand…” Yonghwa spoke first.

Joohyun shook her head denying the pain his eyes caused. “Oppa, you don’t have to apologize. It’s me…” she tried to swallow but felt parched. She dropped her gaze again and noticed how she was gripping her skirt so hard that there were creases on the fabric. She took a deep breath before continuing, “I think it cannot work out like this anymore.”

His mouth fell open for a short while trying to say something but the words evaded him. Yonghwa expected this and he wasn’t surprised at all. He could never find the right words to undo what was happening so he resigned to let her speak.

“I hope you understand…” she tilted her head to the side to dab that little droplet on her eye. She thought she had cried everything that night but she was wrong. Joohyun held his gaze once again and drew a little curve on her lips when he just gave her those silent answers. “If we go on, I might fall so deep that I would be too selfish to give you up when the time comes.”

“Are we…?” The unfinished question escaped as his heart seemed to retract in his chest. Maybe he had really forgotten how to love someone no matter how he was hurting this moment. Perhaps whatever he was feeling for Joohyun could only break her and that was the last thing he intended to cause her. His very sense had been awoken by every single emotion he had shared with her. Now he was making her decide. He promised himself that he will no longer hold on to someone because he would only cause them—

“I always feel that you think what we have is temporary.” She continued feeling a little brave especially since he had been quiet. Joohyun looked down on her half-finished cup then transferred her gaze to his almost empty side of the table; nothing separated them but just a vase with one lonesome pink rose—of all flowers.

“You don’t know my heart,” Yonghwa retorted in defense to that accusation although he was starting to doubt himself. He sighed sadly remembering how her voice echoed those words that night— the words that she kept for so long. He could only imagine how long Joohyun had those fears. All those moments that he was holding and kissing her, she had that pain well hidden inside that would somehow peek for a few minutes and a few times which he hadn’t noticed. Was he so insensitive? How could he console that jealousy now?

He was to blame too because, despite being with her, he would still imagine how it was with Ha In and how it could have been. That he seemed to have rushed Joohyun just because Euna needed a mother and he made that promise. But deep within him, he knew that Joohyun was special and the thought that they have reached the end brought that alien feeling inside him.

“I don’t know it… but I feel it.” At last she spoke after a few seconds of pondering on that simple answer. It was clear to her now— clearer than ever. If s