My phone’s ringing. Again. I’m not willing to get up. I’m tossing in my bed and turning my face towards my window. The winter sun’s already shining brightly into my room and hurting my eyes. Days, weeks passed by. I haven’t been active in a while. I don’t want to. My life source is gone. He’s dead. I couldn’t tell him…

My eyes are tearing up again. I can’t help but cry. Again. I’m covering my face with my pillow and sobbing. My heart’s aching. My mind’s hurt. I miss him. I really do.

My phone won’t stop ringing. All day long. I hate it. I’m not going to pick up. Never. It’s probably my manager or some reporters… These annoying reporters. They’re waiting in front of my place. Carving for my feelings and thoughts about the death of my fellow. The whole K-pop world’s wondering. I believe every channel reported it and I believe… our fans cried a lot, and probably are still crying. Like me…

My hair looks bad. Really bad. Chunnie would have been shocked. He would call me ugly… not that it’s something new… but this time he would mean it. I… want him to call me ugly for real if that’s gonna make him live again. I’m sobbing much more and not even trying to wipe off my tears. I won’t…

Then there’s someone knocking on my door. It’s so damn loud. Too loud. My phone’s ringing again and again. What is this? I want to be alone! I want to recover! Leave me alone world!

“Xiah!”, I’m hearing someone’s voice calling for me, “Open the damn door!”

It’s Changmin. Why… why’s he here? I mean… what about SM? Reporters will catch a good shot of him. I can’t let that happen…

I’m getting up slowly. My movements are rusty. I feel up. As if… I don’t know. I feel empty.

I’m wearing Chunnie’s pajamas. They used to smell like him, but now… it’s sweat. When did I shower last? I don’t remember.

All that’s in my mind’s Yoochun. Dead or alive… he’d always be first in my heart.

As I’m opening the door, Changmin’s instantly squeezing through the gap and shutting the door. He’s pressing himself against it and looking at me really annoyed. Huh… the nostalgia. We’ve always had a strange type of relationship. We fought a lot back in the days, but we needed it. That’s how we got along.

“Xi… Xiah!”, he’s suddenly screaming at me and then smiling like a freak, “What’re you doing here?! Didn’t you hear the news?!”

What’s he talking about? I’m not interested in any news. All I want is…

“Yoochun’s alive, pabo!”, he’s shouting at me and pulling my arm, “Common, we need to go visit him!”

Chunnie…? Chunnie’s… alive?

No!

I’m shaking off his hand and pushing him against the door. I’m putting my forearm on his chest and throat, making him choke. My strength came back.

“Don’t. You. Ever. Fool. Me.”, I’m warning him angrily and then again shedding tears, while letting go of him.

Changmin’s sadly looking at me and then hugging me.

“Junsu…, he’s really alive.”, he’s admitting and using my real name, “He’s in the hospital. Let’s go, I’ll explain everything on our way.”

Is he for real? I’m shivering and returning his hug. I’m nodding and telling him to wait for me, so I could dress up.

I hope this isn’t any plan of SM for making me keep the faith on Yoochun being alive and then emphasizing he’s not. This would totally kill me. But… I trust Changmin. I know we’ve been through many things… but he wouldn’t mock about Yoochun’s death. Never.

As I’m walking back and walking towards my friend, I notice him laughing at me. I don’t know why and to be honest… I don’t care at all.

“Xiah… your hair… what happened?”, he’s asking me.

Yeah, I know my hair looks bad. But I don’t care, not as long as I meet Chunnie alive.

We’re walking outside and getting into the car of his agency. Damn it SM. I’m hesitating. Should I really get in?

The reporters are already taking our pictures and I believe this’s going to be a hot topic tomorrow. Probably today.

On our way, he’s telling me that Yunho informed him about this. And that Chunnie’s been in the hospital for three days, because of his brain damage. It’s nothing bad, so I shouldn’t worry. But hell no, I’m so damn worried!

“He’s been under observation, before he’ll be sent back to the military.”, Changmin’s continuing as I’m silently and carefully listening to all his words, “The police’s investigating everyone now and everything. Even SM.”

“SM is powerful. Don’t worry, you’ll all be ok.”, I’m assessing.

Changmin’s nodding to my words. Yeah, he’s aware of their might. SM has money. Money rules the world. Unfortunately…

We’re arriving at the hospital and I’m instantly getting out of the black car. I’m not waiting for the chauffeur to open the door for me. No way!

Changmin’s hurrying after me and even here the reporters are on our heels. Huh… I pity them all. They’ve nothing else to do than rush after people they hardly know and spend their time on us. I mean… don’t they have family? I know they’re just doing their job… but still…

I’m rapidly walking into the building with Changmin besides me and some of the security. We’re asking the nurses about the whereabouts of our friend and then instantly hurrying there.

Jaejoong and Yunho aren’t here. I believe they’re at the military right now. Yeah, they can’t leave there all the time… Can’t blame them.

“You go in first…”, Changmin’s offering, “I’ll wait here for you.”

I’m nodding thankfully and brushing my fingers through my hair once.

“You look great with short hair… Max.”, I’m commenting on his looks, as he’s ready for his enlistment I believe.

He’s looking at me with a bright smile and it feels like as if nothing ever happened between us all. It’s good. It really is.

I’m taking in a deep breath and opening the door to Chunnie’s room.

There he really is. Lying on the bed and sleeping in piece. Not dead. He’s alive. Really alive! My eyes are becoming watery, and I can’t help but cry again. I’m covering my eyes with my forearm and standing there… sobbing.

“Yah… who are you?”, suddenly my friend’s asking me, as he’s woken up due to my sobbing.

I’m slowly approaching and taking place on the chair next to his treatment bed. He’s watching me carefully with one of his eyebrows lifted.

“You… you’re alive…”, I’m assessing and grabbing his hand softly, “You really are…”

My words are kinda hardly to hear as I’m babbling and crying at the same time. Chunnie’s looking at me confused and then pulling away his hand.

So… he really lost his memories. Changmin was right after all.

“It… it’s me… Junsu”, I’m informing him.

His reaction is kinda weird. He seems surprised, yet somehow disgusted.

Is it my hair?! Damn it! I should have taken care of it! Ugh… no!

“You are the other JYJ fellow, right?”, Chunnie’s asking me and tilting his head, while rubbing the sleep off his eyes.

“Uhm… yeah.”, I’m answering and nodding, “But… we’re more than just fellows…”

He’s shrugging. I believe he’s thinking something like “whatever”. It hurts. Why isn’t he remembering me? He probably didn’t like me the way I like him… You can’t just simply forget about your love! Love? Yeah… love. I love him.

I’m lowering my gaze and crossing my fingers, while Chunnie’s leaning back again.

“Sorry…”, he’s suddenly saying, “I have no memories… So, I don’t know who you exactly are… and what you… mean to me. I believe we’re kinda… like brothers, right?”

His voice’s trembling while talking to me. Is he nervous? He might feel it too, the special bond between us.

“No… we’re not just like brothers!”, I’m starting to argue against his words, “We’re more than just fellows and brothers! We just… never told each other!”

Wow, I’m kinda impressed by myself! Where did I get the courage from all of a sudden?

Chunnie’s slowly getting up from his bed and pulling me up from the chair.

“Please leave now.”, he’s ordering with an annoyed expression.

Why? Did I say too much?!

No, I won’t leave! He needs to know how I feel! I never told him, and he died! I thought I could never ever tell him, but I was given a second chance! And I’m so going to take it!

I’m deeply breathing in and pressing a tenderly kiss on his lips, while clawing my fingers into his back and putting my other hand on his neck, to pull him over.

He’s pushing me away with all of his strength and wiping his lips. He’s frowning.

“What the actual ?!”, he’s screaming at me and clenching his fists, “I’m not gay! Now, get the hell outta here!”

I’m gulping, as the touch of his lips made me feel dizzy and nervous. My heartbeat’s rising and damn it… I want more!

“Get out!”, he’s shouting at me again and pointing at the door in rage.

But I won’t give in. Not now.

“Park Yoochun!”, I’m calling out his name, “I love you!”

I feel my cheeks becoming red as the heat inside me is increasing hella lot. But I’m staring right into his beautiful eyes. Those eyes that I’ve missed a lot. I’m hella nervous, but there’s no time to waste!

He’s backing off and looking for the button to call a nurse come by. I won’t let him! I’m instantly grabbing his arm and putting his hand on my .

Yeah, I know he likes my . I’m confident about it. He’s trying to lean back, but I’m pulling him over and making him press his body against mine.

This is it. This is how I feel.

I’m again pressing a kiss on his lips and I’m in surprise as he’s going along with it. He isn’t resisting. He’s even pulling his tongue… into my mouth and grabbing tight my .

Wait! This is too much!!

I’m pushing him softly off and gasping for air as he’s then brushing his fingers through my hair and looking into my eyes with sparkly eyes. He’s then approaching his lips onto my ear and briefly biting them softly.

“Thank you, Junsu…”, he’s whispering to me and pressing my lower part against himself, “Thanks my sweet duckbutt.”

Did… did he just call me “duckbutt”?! Does he remember me? Did I break through to his memories?

“Do… do you remember me?”, I’m asking him and pushing him away, since staying close to him kinda makes me too nervous.

He’s grinning brightly and his smile’s reaching to both his ears. Does this mean “yes”?

Chunnie’s grabbing my arm and pulling me over.

“Well… actually, my memories are back since yesterday.”, he’s admitting and putting his arms around my waist.

Wait… what? What?! So… he tricked me?! He… fooled me?!

I’m shaking off his hands and stepping back, as I’m really hurt. I worried so much, and he’s kidding me, fooling around?!

“Common, you know I’m a freaking good actor!”, he’s assessing and grabbing my shoulders, “I needed to show you… and… I needed you to tell me your real feelings…”

My heartbeat’s rising again. So, he knew it all along, but waited for me to confess all this time? What a jerk! He could have made the first step!

I’m again shaking off his hands and turning away to leave his room and him alone. I’m mad. I really am! I cried so much, I stopped caring for myself. I didn’t visit Jaejoong once, since Yoochun’s death. I gave up so much!

I can’t believe he’s able to mock me like this. This’s pissing me off!

“Yah! You can’t be like this…”, he’s ordering, “Not after our fierce kiss…”

The kiss… Right!

Ugh! I’m much more pissed now! He totally took advantage of my condition. What a… Ugh! I hate him!

“Junsu…”, he’s calling for me with a depressed low voice, “I’m sorry ok… I had no idea you would come visit me today. And seeing you with your hair like this, I thought you didn’t know about my me