MONO-Drama.

I don't really listen to what Sehun says, I only feel wetness on my skin and when I look up, dark clouds appear to mirror my feelings.

I understand something along the lines of waiting until it stops raining, something about him inviting me inside. A sudden feel of thrill takes over me, the feeling that rises with the thought of being inside the very same house Chanyeol is in, but with his brother's lips on my neck.

When Sehun turns on the TV in his room and he starts some episode of a show I don't care about, I finally understand the true meaning behind 'Netflix and chill'.

Sehun's lips are soft and his body is warm while I'm trembling, sinking back in the mattress under his weight.

"What did he say?" I don't remember my voice to sound this weak, this broken.

Sehun blinks in confusion, but only a second later he seems to understand. I don't know what makes it obvious for him, maybe the look in my eyes or my trembling lips.

He removes his head from my chest and rolls to the side, now laying on his back beside me. Our hands intertwine automatically, like a choreography we both know too well. Then he tilts his head to the side and I mirror his movement to look him in the eyes. My throat feels dry facing his cold expression. I know he knows what's about to come, and I brace myself for the mood to change quickly.

I know Sehun exactly knows what I meant. I can tell it by the way his eyes change, his lips form into a tight line. Nonetheless, I find the courage to speak up, voice dry and shaky.

"What did he say before I passed out? You must have been there, weren't you?"

Sehun furrows his brows. I feel like I'm in huge trouble.

"You're not sure if I was there?" His voice is quiet and I nearly can't understand him over the sounds of the rain. But only nearly.

He's offended. Of course he is. All I can think about is his stupid brother and here I am, not even remembering his existence on this night.

"I was… dizzy. I only saw him." My voice is hushed. I always only see him, I add soundlessly, only in my mind.

But it seems loud enough for Sehun. 

"What did you even hear?" He snarls.

Impolite. Unfriendly. Cold. Adjectives that describe Oh Sehun when asked about his brother. Oh Sehun at the moment, who seems like he's on the verge of getting really, really angry.

"I'm sorry," I quote and shiver immediately at the memory. The sweet, deep voice of his, the words that caused me to break. "That was it."

Silence falls over us. Only the sounds of our breathing, the faint voices from the TV and the sound of raindrops harshly falling against glass remains.

"He said 'I'm sorry, I can't return your feelings'." Sehun's voice his no more than air. No sound, less than a whisper. "Did you really need me to tell you this?"

A strong tug goes through my heart. 

No, I didn't. It was obvious, so predictable. So why does it hurt? Why does it hurt so damn much to even think about it?

"Yes," I whisper. "I think that's what I needed to hear."

It's still raining outside; dark clouds covering the evening sky and concealing the dawn. No romantic sunset, just dark blue and black and the silent sounds of drops hitting Sehun's window.

Salty liquid streams down my face like crazy and Sehun's lips are on my eyes, kissing all the escaping tears away.

"I love you," he whispers. "I loved you from the very first moment."

I don't dare to look into his eyes. I know how vulnerable he is with his teary eyes and desperate voice. He's desperate for me, just like I'm desperate for someone else.

Maybe if I was someone else, it would have worked out. If I was prettier, taller, nicer, ier. If I wasn't the little brat I am. If I was what Chanyeol wanted.

When we kiss again, it feels like thousand of nails going through my skin. Every time our lips touch it gets more painful, and when we part his soft and loving smile is what hurts the most.

He could enter anytime, I tell myself. So I snuggle against Sehun, despite the nails hitting me, in the hope of his brother having some reason to invade Sehun's room suddenly. 

It's sick, I'm sick, the whole situation is sick. But I want to see Chanyeol's face again, get a reaction of him, even if it's only the slightest. I want it so badly.

But it doesn't happen.

All of Sehun's touches remain gentle and innocent, him treating me like I was made of glass, a precious creature he wants to protect. The knot inside of my throat gets bigger, the guilt building up. I'm using this boy, using him for my own sick entertainment. So I don't have to be alone.

"I love you," I whisper, eyes closed, thinking about Chanyeol but instead feeling Sehun's touch.

By the time I arrive home, Luhan is crying and Minseok on the phone talking to the police.

"Young miss, it's two AM and we were dying out of worry! You could have called us!" Lu-mum yells at me. "I'm forbidding you to see this boy again!"

Minseok ends the phone call with a chill "Oh, she's here. Nevemind." and looks at me in worry. "Is everything alright?" He asks carefully.

"Are you still a ?" Luhan adds in the same worried tone, leaving his anger behind as soon as he sees my face.

I must look awful. Who wouldn't look awful after all this , after rain and meaningless kisses and tears and sadness? Probably Luhan, but that's another topic.

"Yes, yes." I whisper.

After leaving Chanyeol's house there was no way for me to go home. Not looking like this with my swollen lips and red eyes, so knocking on Kris' door of course was my first instinct. Kris would only judge me silently, Kris would give me useless advice and I could forget my worries while making fun of his existence. Kris was medicine.

But when I arrived, something worse than everything I had to go through today greeted me.

Apartment for rent, the sign on the exact door Kris was once living behind said.

Apartment for rent. His apartment… did he move out?

I lost my breath when I tried to open the door in panic because this couldn't be, because I remember how Kris didn't pick up his phone all this time, because I feared that this was the end.

I screamed and cried and knocked but no one answered.

The realization hit me hard. He was gone.

My friend and big brother, Wu Kris, was gone without even leaving a message.

And after calling him it only leads to a computer voice telling me the number is not available.

And here I am, having no idea how to tell this my friends. That a part of our family just… left.

"Guys," I sob out shakily, "Something happened…"

The boys stare at me in shock and empathy, and even before I can open my mouth I get wrapped into a warm hug.

"It's okay," Minseok whispers. "Whatever it is, it's okay."

No, it's not. It's absolutely not.

The next morning shines so bright it hurts. 

The night had been long, stained in tears and full of discussions and Luhan planning a murder, so sleeping was a huge relief. No wonder it's already past noon when I wake up, still feeling Luhan's warmth.

"Morning…" I groan silently as soon as I catch him staring at me.

"Morning." Luhan's voice is soft and not as annoying as expected. He wraps his arm around me tighter. His anger from yesterday seems to have faded and turned into something different. When I look at his eyes I make out worry, fear and sadness. 

"Minseok is where?" I ask sleepily. My head hurts like crazy from all the crying yesterday. I feel dry and hollow.

"Meeting up with the others. They are going to tell Tao what happened."

I gulp. Another stab through the chest. 

"He'll be okay," Luhan adds. "Don't worry. There are plenty of sparkly fish in the sea for Tao to angle."

Sparkly fish? Really? Why doesn't he just say 'gay'? We all know Tao is not simply sparkly, he's more than just a bit sparkly, he's a gay disco ball.

The sound of keys interrupt my inner rant, and a few moments later Chen appears in the door frame of my bedroom, grinning nonchalantly at us.

"Get dressed, love birdies. We are going on a holiday in twenty minutes."

I already know this won't turn out well.

Not twenty, but about eighty minutes later, I sit in the back of Minseok's father's car, along with Tao and Chen while Luhan sits at the front and Minseok drives. Lay, peacefully sleeping, lies in the boot. Necessity begets ingenuity.

Chen's aunt, god may have mercy on her for having a nephew like this, apparently decided to move in with his new husband into a house that doesn't, well, looks like the scene of a murder. To cut a long story short, Chen now is the owner of a shining Key (no pun intended, but it's nice to think about my five saviours in hard times like these) to a not at all shining hut in the woods.

I don't really want to go there. Not at all. Not after memories of meeting Park Assyeol for the very first time and blazing with my ex homie Lil' Kreassy. 

"It's gonna take your mind off," Chen assured me with his pretty clown grin. "Along with other things." A wiggle of his brow follows.

I'm still not sure if he simply talked about weed, or intends to make me to join a . His face looks like he means both of it, simultaneously. Though he should know it takes much more than a bit of vegetable to get me into doing it with him or Luhan, respectively Tao to do it with a girl.

Speaking of Tao, dude's looking awful. His eyeliner is smudged and his eyes are red from crying. I highly doubt that this little holiday will be any fun for him either.

But what should I do? Certainly not staying at home and mourning over the super trash brothers.

Still, the events of last evening won't leave my head. Sehun doesn't stop messaging me and every time I read things like please answer, noona or you're my girlfriend now, aren't you? I feel ready to throw up out of uneasiness.

My throat feels dry and my head is spinning, so I'm glad Minseok's car comes to a halt in front of much too familiar, shabby house.

"Here we go, gang!" Luhan chirps cheerfully. 

Chen grins at us and jumps out of the car in euphoria. I smile at him. I know Chen, and I see through this. Because when everyone stares into the distance gloomily and Luhan's not enough to lift the mood, Chen needs to be the mood maker, even if he feels awful himself. I take a mental note to give him one of the rare hugs we only share on special events, mostly while being high.

Waking up Lay is difficult, so Chen simply picks him up over his shoulder and carries him inside the house. He might be average in height, maybe even able to be considered as short, but that guy has enough strength to take care of the skinny Chinese dancer.

The wooden floor creaks uglily. It's just like I remember it, really creepy but strangely... comforting.

Chen throws Lay on a nearby sofa and smiles at us. I stand beside Tao, who only looks at the floor. It's an awkward atmosphere, us all united without Kris. It feels so… incomplete. So wrong and very, very lonely.

Still, Chen's smile doesn't fade. And I really, really have a great respect for that.

dear diary,

its day two in the hut of desperation and nothing really happened yet. all we do is eating snacks and blazing and in taos and my case crying over lost love and

yesterday luhan attempted to set the house on fire to get some action but minseok knocked him uncounceous with a frying pan. it was not as funny as it sounds.

I sigh out. 

well i dont even know what im trying to do here. i obviously rlly hate writing inside of u stupid diary. youll have to find someone else to touch your insides. laters er

I close the little book angrily. I don't know what's the worst, me writing diary or the fact that I spend all day with high and depressed idiots while liking pictures of puppies on Instagram 24/7 because they remind me of Chanyeol. 

"This can't be happening!" I yell out of pure frustration. "These are our last days with Luhan, damn it!" I jump up and run to the living room. "We should have fun!"

Four of five boys stare at me in surprise, still clothed in pyjamas, since it's morning. I look around to see the room in total chaos, sofa cushions laying around, carpets pulled aside and the boys looking under furniture as though they lost something.

"What the ?" Is the first thing that escapes my lips. After a second, quick observation, my eyes widen. "Where is Yixing?"

"That's the problem." Tao stands up, scratching his head in though. "We have no ing clue."

"What do you mean, no ing clue?! How can you lose someone this tall in the countryside?!" 

"We where high, okay?" Luhan proceeds to look under the table hysterically. 

"High? Are you ing kidding me?!" I kick his forcefully, causing the table to hit his head and him yelping in shock. "We all are always ing high, so if there's a valid explanation of this happening it's either because you're all dumb as or not being high enough to function properly!"

Luhan mumbles an "Ouch…" and touches his head. "Does that mean we are going to smoke, because if that means we are going to smoke then-"

"No we are not going to ing smoke!" I scream out at the terrified boy. "We are going to find Yixing and enjoy this stupid, totally ruined holiday!"

"Hey, calm down." Minseok approaches me carefully. I suddenly notice how extremely I'm shaking. "It's going to be alright, okay? Let's search for him outside. He can't be that far."

I nod slightly, facing the floor. I'm not ready to lose another person this week.

"Yixing!" I yell out of the window of the car. "Yixing, come back, I will buy you sweets!"

"Lay! Lay my lovely boy , where are you?" Chen adds. Believe it or not, his voice sounds worried.

Passersbies are looking at us in shock and worry. This is the countryside and we sound like we are looking for a child we kidnapped but eventually escaped, so I guess it's justified.

"Damn, we are already driving around for two hours straight…" Tao sighs. "Where is this kid?"

Just as Tao finishes is question, my mobile phone starts to ring. "Ring ding dong, ring ding dong, ring di-gi-ding ding ding ding ding..."

"Kai?" I ask in confusion, accepting the call in a hurry. I haven't heard much from him since our little karaoke adventure, which startles me a bit. Kai is a person to contact whenever he has the time, even if it's just asking about my health or mood. Getting no messages by him, not even pictures of SHINee members with weird captions, is uncommon.

"Promise me you won't freak out," Kai's voice says before I can open my mouth to greet him. "Promise."

"Dude, it's not a good time, Lay is missing and-"

"Promise me."

I pause, slightly puzzled. I'm not sure if he's going to give me some info about a new concert or comeback or telling me his dog died. If it's the latter, I'm ready to ditch my friends on their search for my ex and join him in a parade of tears and depression, because there's nothing worse than a dead poodle.

Chen and Tao look at me in curiosity, and I can also feel the other two listen to my call. No privacy at all.

"I can't promise that. Just tell me and I'll try my best, okay?"

He sighs. "Okay. So, see… I'm… I'm kinda on a trip with Baekhyun, another friend and… Chanyeol."

I gulp, but stay cool. "So?"

"And… how do I put it… I kinda saw you kissing Sehun the other day because I was sleeping over at Chanyeol's."

I gulp and don't stay cool. In fact, I freak out. "What?!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, really! Baekhyun and I just happened to-"

"Baekhyun was there too?!"

The boys listen to my conversation carefully. I already know that there's going to be a long, painful discussion about this in the evening.

"Yes, yeah. And I'm telling you this because your friend, that Lay guy he's- well, he's here right now."

"Lay is at Chanyeol's house?!" I scream out shrilly, making three out of the four boys gasp. Minseok just groans in annoyance. I know what he's thinking: you, Yixing. Fuel is expensive.

"No, no. I told you, we are on a trip. We're at the countryside."

"Why the are you also at the countryside? Tell me where you exactly are, so we can come get Yixing and-"

"There's only one problem. We're at Baekhyun's grandmother's house and Lay doesn't want to leave."

Is this even real? I sigh out in pure frustration. Yixing, I'm gonna pay you back for this.

"Give us an address and twenty minutes."

Luhan laughs really hard when I tell them the news. I kick his seat until I'm sure I damaged his enough for him to fear me for the rest of the ride.

We make a short plan: Luhan and Chen go inside to take Yixing back home. If it doesn't work, Minseok's brain and Tao's wushu will come to help while I stay in the car and pretend to be dead because I don't have any talents nor qualities to help them in any way and absolutely not because I'm a coward and don't want to see Hoeyeol. 

I like this plan. A lot. Because I do have to admit, seeing my crush and his best friend, who both saw me kissing Sehun, isn't something I'm looking forward to.

But when Minseok parks in front of a pretty, neat and very granny-like house and we see five boys in front of it, our whole plan goes belly-up.

Tao storms out and soon he and Kim Junmyeon, my middle school crush, are fighting over life and death. Kris is causing us trouble even after his departure, great.

And because Luhan starts to film the fight, Chen can't breathe because he's laughing too hard, and Minseok only has two hands, I step in and take a hold of my friend by telling him not to ruin his freshly manicured fingernails. It works; Tao stops hitting Junmyeon and they both get away with scratches and bloody lips (because Tao fights like a girl when he's not wushuing). But I regret my heroic act soon after the situation cools down - or better said, when my eyes meet unbelievably dark ones.

It's the first time since I fled out of school I'm seeing him up close. He stopped cutting his hair a quite a time ago, as it seems. The short hair he wore in spring and the neat bowl cut turned into a mess of black curls. He looks cute with this hair, a bit older and mature. It scares me, I want the ugly short hair back.

I don't look at him and instead concentrate on Minseok talking to Baekhyun and Lay. Soon Kai stands beside me and smiles at me. I know what he's trying to do and I'm thankful.

It turns out Lay sneaked out in the middle of the night, high as , to run to China, where he expects Kris to be. With a runny nose and tears in his eyes he explains how much he misses duizhang. A part of me dies because seeing not only this pure creature but also Tao and Junmyeon crying side by side, forgetting their argument and jealously, makes me feel like it's absolutely over. Like Kris is lost and gone forever and not only taking a break.

Maybe I'm narcissistic and illusionary, but I feel like Chanyeol's staring at my saddened face. Like he's observating me, eating me up with his eyes. I shiver at the thought.

Two hours pass and Lay still doesn't want to go home. Baekhyun's grandmother, a cute old lady that serves us cookies and freshly pressed orange juice, seems to be a possible love interest in Yixing's eyes. Chen doesn't think it's amusing, although everyone else laughs.

"Oh, such a pretty girl. Baekhyunnie, isn't she cute?" Granny Byun chirps while tilting her head. I look at the ground in embarrassment. At least she seems to like me, so I'm happy, I guess? First female ever to not hate me, minus Amber and Luna. Maybe Grandma Byun wants to be my bff?

"Whatever?" Baekhyun rolls his eyes at his grandmother. I think about throwing my shoes at him, but I'm broke as and those weren't cheap like his face, so I let it be.

"Ah, what about you, Chanyeol-ah? Wouldn't you want to date a pretty girl like this? You're such a handsome boy, and you're at the age! Why don't you date?" She smiles at me and winks and holy , Granny Byun stop that , that's not funny, hoe. Why the is that dusty doing this to me?

A moment of awkward silence follows because I know, my friends now, yes even Byunbaekingbasic knows Chanyeol rejected the out of me (and that Chanyeol is not handsome and will never date anyone).

I'm about to excuse myself to sneak back into the car and cry, when I hear Chanyeol speak up for the first time this evening.

"Yes," he says, quietly, neaarly breathlessly, "I would. She's very pretty."

Silence.

"Excuse me." I fake a smile. "I need some air, isn't it really hot in here?"

Granny Byun smiles back. "Oh, dear, you're right! There's a watermelon outside, if you want to you can-"

"Thank you." I bow slightly and turn my back, leaving a bunch of baffled guys and a grandmother who apparently thinks of herself as my wingman behind me.

Grandma Byun is a like her ugly grandson but she has a hella fine veranda, respect.

Fine enough to let a watermelon hit the pretty beige tiles and make it splash loudly. Beautiful mess. granny and her stupid spawn can clean this up.

The sky is orange, the sunset disgustingly romantic. I ask myself if Sehun's looking at it and thinking of me. I grimace at the cheesiness and how I catch myself fantasizing about kissing Chanyeol under the setting sun.

It hurts, it hurts so damn much and I feel so disgusted of his lies, how easily he could lie about all of this. About me. In front of all the others. 

I knew I choose the wrong brother.

I stare into the distance without noticing two pairs of heavy feet approaching until long legs sit down on the stair tread leading to the garden.

Chanyeol looks up at me with black olive eyes.

For a while we just remain like this. Me standing up straightly and absolutely tense, he looking me in the eyes and my throat feeling dry. Then, after what feels like an eternity, he breaks the silence.

"So, Sehun and you?" He smiles sweetly.

I feel like he kicked me in the guts.

"Yeah," I respond sternly.

Something in his eyes change for a second, but before I can interpret it, he looks at the sunset.

He looks so pretty it hurts. I can hardly breathe with the heavy pain in my chest that those black eyes caused me, that his words bring on.

All I want is to be with him, is that really so difficult? Is it really impossible for me to just hold his hand?

"So… how is it to be in a relationship?" Chanyeol laughs tensely.

If possible, my heart feels even heavier than before.

"I don't know," I whisper. "It's not what I expected." I stare at the watermelon and suppress my trembling. At least I'm not lying.

"You two look really cute together." Chanyeol smiles widely at me. 

I gulp and nod, forcing a smile. How can such a beautiful voice say such cruel words?

I'm hold though it's hot out here, I'm so cold I feel like my blood freezes. 

When I look up from the melon, there's Chanyeol standing beside me and wrapping his jacket around me. It's such a deja vu that I don't come around asking myself how it all turned out like this. We danced at the party, we worked together on our project together. Shouldn't we be a couple by now? I've had so many chances to make him mine, still we are here and not touching at all.

"You are shivering, you should have brought a jacket," he says. I don't know if it's imagination, but his voice is soft and loving. "I have to take care of my brother's girl, he would kill me if you got the flue," he adds jokingly.

Is this a game? Is he trying to hurt me with everything he says or is he really too dumb to realize I'm only seeing him? 

I want to resemble him, I want to hug him. But it’s too much to even linger next to him. It's too much too feel his warmth even through the distance between us, it's too much to know he doesn't feel what I feel. I’m always in my room alone, imagining that we are in love. I confess then we break up, it always ends up being a mono drama.

Because it's no drama if he doesn't care, right? It's only me who cries. It's only me who loves and suffers, only I am desperate for his love. The mono drama of being in love alone, the encounter, the love, the goodbye. The reason I am in despair.

"I need to call Sehun," I say. "I need to tell him I'm fine."

Chanyeol nods understandingly. His smile is weaker now and his eyes unreadable. Sometimes I still think he might could love me back, that the expression of his' means that he wants me to stay. But then I remember his words, how he told me he was sorry, and it gives me strength to turn around, giving him back his jacket and step back in the house wordlessly.

long time no see, guys!

im sorry for not updating for ages, but im so busy with exams. im having a really hard time at the moment, emotionally and physically, also bc i have a lot of stress bc of my new english teacher who isnt exactly fond of me and openly tells me my english is awful in lessons & after every paper i write, forcing me to redo it all, so please excuse the crappyness of this filler chapter... everything is discouraging at the moment, so i struggled with this chapter a lot. i also didnt proofread it yet since its hella late where i live... but let me stop complaining about my life now!

how do you personally think things will go between our heroine and chanyeol? be sure to leave a comment if you have the time! im exited about your theories.

thank you for reading!