UP & DOWN.

 Sehun asks to meet me shortly after I arrive at the dorm. I'm panting and done with my life, but he threatens to visit me right now, which gives me no other options than having to meet up with him somewhere else. The last thing I need now is Chanyeol stumbling across the fact that Sehun and I are... whatever. I don't even know what we are.

So I grab Kris and Tao, my security guards for today, and place them as inconspicuously as possible in a bush of a nearby back alley.

I could have taken Xiumin and Luhan with me - and I honestly would have preferred that solution over relying on Tao ually harassing Kris in a bush while making a huge noise, though they are supposed to be unsuspicious - but I doubt that a flower boy and a hamster would appear daunting enough to a guy of Sehun's height. Aside from that, I remember how Luhan told me that Sehun hit on him once, too. I don't need any more drama, for the sake of Minseok and my own peace of mind.

So I took a maple syrup guzzling, two meter tall, walking joke and a sassy little in the body of a mafia member with me.

"Shut the up, would you? He will arrive soon. And only come out when I say the codeword, okay?!" I scream at them in a whisper-voice. "Whatever happens, don't come out unless I say so."

"What's the code word again?" Tao asks over Kris' complaints of "I can't believe I agreed to this".

"Dibidibidis," I hiss, saying each syllable extra clearly.

"We can't you just say 'hey he's going to me'?"

"Because I do what I want, ." Suddenly, I can hear steps.

"Get on your positions!" I order before standing up straight and pretending to be normal.

Sehun arrives with a face that is telling me that I won't survive this.

The bright light of the lantern illuminates his face like those flashlights you place under your chin to look creepy. It doesn't help that we are in a shabby, dark street. If it weren't for the bushes, I wouldn't be here.

Sehun doesn't question my choice of a meeting place, though. He seems to have other thoughts.

"You said you didn't like him." Sehun's voice is sharp and intimidating.

I take a step backwards, ready to yell for Tao and Kris if the worst case unfolds.

"It's for a school project, okay?"

I sound too defensive. I suddenly remember how I once barged in on Luhan ing a very confused looking Minseok. He said the exact same thing, plus "It's not gay if it's for science". 

Sehun laughs without any humour in his voice. A cold, sad laugh. "Yeah, do you have to look at him this way for school, too?"

"What?" I furrow my brows in pure anger. This is absurd. This is ing rude. "What the do you mean? I did not do anything and neither did I look at him in some weird way."

"Of course." I don't think I have to mention that he sounds awfully sarcastic. Sehun snorts. "It's not like you looked at him like he was, I don't know, like he was me?"

"First: No. Second: Get down from your high horse, kid. I don't look at Chanyeol like all those brainwashed, thirsty fangirls look at you and your ."

He rolls his eyes, clearly overexaggerating. It's like he wants to show me that he's annoyed at all costs. "There! The very way you say his name!" Sehun puts his hands in the air, yelling out loudly. His tone makes me twitch. "Chan-nyeol, Chaaaan-nyeol. Like you're in love." His voice gets even harsher, making me back away some more. "You are ing in love with Chan-yeol, not Chan-nyeol, he's stupid Chan-yeol, a guy that's just as dense as he's unattractive!" 

I'm shocked, standing there frozen in disgust and also very confused about all those different types to pronounce Chanyeol. Because really, who cares if I accidentaly add another n? I'm a foreigner, have mercy.

"How can you talk like this about your own brother?" My voice is merely more than a whisper.

Sehun's reaction remains the same. I blink several times, but he still stands there, out of his mind and on the verge of crying. 

"Because this idiotic nerd, because Chan-nyeol is always everyone's favourite, because he's the good child, he's no trouble maker, because he gets everything!"

I never expected to see Sehun like this, tears escaping his eyes. The cool facade of a playboy is long lost behind his shivering form. He has a lisp, I all of a sudden notice. A very strong one, especially now that he's so upset. He sounds so much like a hurt child right now.

"Because he will get you, too," he adds in a whispering tone. The cute lisp only makes it more sad. His voice sounds so miserable, hurt.

"Sehun." I take careful steps forward until I can meet his gaze.

He looks down at me, black eyes tear-stained. This moment makes me realize that he might be tall and handsome, popular and sassy, but also young and lost and still a teenager that is just as planless as I am in life.

"He won't get me," I promise tenderly.

I gently touch his cheek. He still stares at me with those hate-filled orbs. Hate against his older brother, hate against Chanyeol's whole existence. He hates his brother so very much. I could see it in Starbucks and I can see it now, how angry he is, how jealous and disgusted by his own brother Sehun is.

"Let me kiss you then, noona." His voice is no more than a whimper.

Guilt washes through my veins, because I know what's about to happen. 

I'll have to hurt him. 

"No. We can't do that, Sehun. I don't love you."

Sehun winces at my last sentence. I can see the pain in his eyes. Then breathes out, slowly, and closes his eyes. His body is shaking. "Have you kissed him?"

"No."

From here on everything happens to fast - I have no time to repel him before Sehun embraces me tightly, his lips finding mine in the blink of an eye.

For a moment I forget about Kris and Tao who are probably watching in pure horror at this scene, about the absurd situation, yes, even about Chanyeol with his bowl cut and the teethy smile. Because Sehun's lips are dry and rough and so different from last time we kissed. Because he feels good, he's warm and comforting and because his tongue straddles mine in such a soothing way that I want to lose myself forever in this kiss. Because he holds me like we were meant to be, because his arms are so strong but gentle and he smells like aftershave. The way he touches my face and his lips grace mine almost feels like...

Feels like he really loved me.

Like I'm not just some girl he wants because he can't get her.

And yes, nearly like I could return his feelings.

But then reality comes back, the cruel feeling of guilt and panic and the certainty that I don't return his feelings taking place of all warm feelings. I try to back away from him, but he still holds me too tight to escape.

His lips parts from mine after an eternity. He is breathing hard, just like me. I can feel his heart pounding through his chest.

"You like me, noona. I can feel it," he pants.

I shake my head, finally strong enough to push him away. "You think to see so many things that don't exist, Sehun. I don't like your brother and nor do I like you. Not in such a way. I'm sorry."

He grabs my wrist, pulling me close. Sehun's eyes get dark again - I can feel how his face is turning monotone and robotic again. Maybe that's the way he's like this. Because he fears of getting rejected.

Then, he kisses me another time. I flinch but he's taking a hold of my chin, nearly crushing my face with his forceful touch. I twist my neck to escape his lips.

Sehun looks at me in pure anger and annoyance. The loving, sad eyes are long gone. 

"This is not over yet," he breathes against my lips one last time, giving me goosebumps, before letting go of me and walking away.

My breathing is heavy and I feel like I'm about to cry.

Why is this all happening?

Getting home is silent, because Tao and Kris both seem to be pretty shocked. I don't speak either, feeling to embarrassed and guilty.

We arrive and run directly into our friends sitting around on the campus in this late our. Their faces after we don't answer to their questions of where we were tell me that it's time for a squad meeting and telling my heart breaking story that already begs to get filmed. 

Half of them giggle in excitement (alright, only Chen while Lay is being speechless) and the other half seems to judge me extra hard.

"You are thirdwheeling Chanyeol," Kris says in a tone that nearly makes me think he cares about something else than ugly designer pieces and hair dye.

After two, uhm, let's call them happy-sticks, I find the power to be a cheeky piece of again.

"Uhm, excuse me mister fashion killer, but I am not, I repeat, n-o-t interested in any of the super trash brothers, okay?" I flick my tongue. This can't be real, getting judged in the own ranks. 

This hurts, okay? As if it's easy getting ually assaulted by a toddler and having to work with a slightly older toddler on a project about movies. It's a hard time for me and I need ing sympathy.

"Yah, leave the girl alone. At least she's getting some action, -Kevin." Chen snicker. I can tell how exiting my suffering is to him. He loves third-class kdramas.

-Kevin? Wow, that's a new one.

Kris is ready to fight Chen, but Tao exclaims that Kris only is allowed go touch him, which makes Kris flinch in disgust and distracts him from his anger.

"To get this straight: I am not interested in Oh Sehun. Yes, maybe I feel physically attracted to him, but this will never be. Never, ever. And no, I'm not getting any action, that is the worst about this. If I could at least-"

Luhan interrupts me. "Can I make a request?"

I sigh, palming my face. "No, we are not going to have an , Luhan."

I can tell by his face that it was this exact thing he had in mind. "But-"

"Horseraddish is not an instrument either."

Luhan looks disappointed and maybe just a little bit confused by my last statement.

Minseok sighs loudly, shaking his head. I feel bad for leaving him open to my weird lifestyle. "I think you should just make sure that Chanyeol's brother gets that you don't want to be with him and also won't be his date."

"She can't leave him alone for prom! That's heartless!" Of course it's Lay. He also thinks that mosquito nets are heartless, because we make the poor little mosquitos starve if we don't give them our blood. This pure guy's going to die on Seoul's cold, hard streets one day.

Chen spits out an "Awwww!" and starts to flip Lay over. I grimace at the scene.

"Can you please be gay somewhere else? Holy this is disgusting," Tao complains.

Glasshouse, Tao. Huge glasshouse.

Neverminding those idiots, I decide to just get away while they start to argue about who's the gayest in this room. I escape my own room to search for Kai.

Maybe knocking on Kai's door at this hour is rude, but I don't need long until I am hurrying to my room after seeing Kai being buried in some senior year girl through the slightly opened door because her moans of "So big!" and "Deeper!" give me nightmares. And because I really find it sad for her that he probably thinks about owl boy or Lee Taemin while trusting into her.

So, that's it. No one left.

I sit on a bench on the other side of the campus, where the moans of the girl are only a muffled sound in the background. 

I hang my head low, thinking about just skipping school and becoming an idol. Then I remember that I'm not skinny, pretty and Asian. Game over.

The air is fresh and the night is warm but windy. It's silent and relaxing, much better than getting back to my room where my idiot team probably still fight.

Every time I close my eyes, there is Sehun's crying face. And every time I try to blink it away, I see Chanyeol smiling brightly.

"This ," I mumble, kicking a rock to my feet. It rolls pretty far, before it crashes against someone's feet. I can barely see in the dark, but what I can see doesn't please me.

Black leather boots.

What's with all those surprise encounters in my life?

"Hey, lonely?" The pretty voice I hate so much asks. He should be a singer, I think. He sounds like caramel and and holy .

"Not lonely enough to deal with you, Baekhyun," I hiss. 

It only makes him chuckle. "I heard about your research topic." I look up at a Baekhyun who's on the verge of bursting out in enormous laughter.

"Yeah, off." I sigh, palming my face. How do I deserve this?

Oh, right. I made out with Sehun. Once again. Strike.

Baekhyun sits down next to me, tapping my knee. "Can you look at me? I won't laugh, I promise."

I turn my head to meet his brown eyes. "What is it?"

"Let's just talk, okay? I feel like we are going to hang out a lot in the future, so let's get along."

I snort. "Just because of that one trip? Don't worry, I don't want you to bother with me."

Baekhyun sighs. "You are really difficult, you know that?" He shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, I mean because Luhan and your other friend will leave-"

I swallow, feeling sick again.

"-and I don't want you to be alone in your year."

I laugh bitterly. "Thanks a bunch, but I don't need company. You should take care of Chanyeol, instead. That guy's helpless as ."

Baekhyun laughs a bit. "Believe me, he was worse when we were younger."

"Oh, I can't believe that," I mumble, but Baekhyun still hears me, causing him to laugh again. It's annoyingly nice sounding and makes my head hurt. "Can you please go away? Like, now? I had a bad day."

Baekhyun looks at me intently. Is he worried or is his eyesight bad? We will never know. "You know what? Yeol and I planned to visit the funfair together. We can grab Kai, too, so will you join us?"

Hell, no. I hate funfairs. I hate gatherings of people, I hate thrill rides, I hate screaming children and I hate Byuningbaekhyunbasic.

But I like cotton candy.

I have no idea why or how, but I end up agreeing.

Apparently 'planning to visit the funfair' means "let's visit the funfair tomorrow right after skipping class because we are so badass, did you know Kai and I are ?????". 

Maybe that's what he said, maybe it's not. Who knows?

What really startles me is that Kai and Baekhyun don't only argue 24/7, but that I'm packed up in the back seat with Chanyeol so those two can argue about who of them is the bigger and which one of them Kris likes more.

Why does this whole god damn college idolise Kris so much? Alright, he can speak Korean, Mandarin and fake Ghetto English. Okay, he's tall. But what else? He probably was the model for Chin Crimson, his hair is so bleached that it makes you go blind and he dresses like a drunk rich designer. A very drunk one that probably pisses on his sewing machine because he's so ing blind for taste and really, really drunk. And lonely.

Come with us to the funfair, Baekhyun said. It'll be fun, he said. But now instead of being with Kai, I'm here in awkward silence and with a safety gap to Chanyeol. I swear to SHINee, this is just a set up to make me feel uncomfortable. 

I can't react to Chanyeol's attempts of making conversation with more than an awkward fake smile.

You made out with his brother, you tasted his spit, it's his family's spit, holy his DNA is in your mouth, this is so wrong my mind constantly chants. You are awful, so very awful and e, you don't deserve to be a shawol, you are not fitted to be a noona.

We arrive after more than forty minutes of torture. Baekhyun parks in like a retard, stealing the parking lot right in front of the face of a very upset family man.

Some things never change, huh?

Chanyeol, like the gentlemen he is, holds the door open for me to climb out. He's facing the ground because tiles and the ground in general will always be ahead of me, as it seems.

His politeness makes me angry. I want him to treat my like so I can have a valid reason to hate someone else besides myself. So I can have an excuse for letting Sehun kiss me without kicking his balls.

"Alright, guys! Let's team up!" A loud voice interrupts my thoughts. Baekhyun's whole existence is making people stare at him, which means that he gets a lot of looks from both males and females. He really is a magnet for es.

"Y-yeah," Kai says, looking suspiciously tense. "I want to team up with Baekhyun!" His voice is robotic and his movements uptight. 

Is this rehearsed? Don't tell me they plan to-

"Good idea, friend!" Baekhyun wraps his arm around the taller boy's shoulders. He is the better actor of them. "See ya cuties later!"

"Hey! Hold on!" I yell after them, but Baekhyun starts to run and Kai gives me a last apologetic look before sprinting off as well.

Wow, great. It really was a set up.

"Where are they going?" Chanyeol's seemingly confused. That guy's so dense, it's unreal.

I shake my head in disbelieve. "I'm gonna call Kris to come get me." He will be ing annoying and I'll never hear the end of his complains, but he will get me and break Baekhyun's legs for fooling me. Kris isn't one to let you down. If we were a band or something, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be the type to, I don't know, leave without saying a word to become a filmstar in China. That wouldn't be his style at all.

Chanyeol is blinking at me, now even more confused. "Are you not feeling well?"

Doesn't that guy have, I don't know, a brain that is capable of coming to conclusions? Conclusions like "oh she's ing annoyed and doesn't want to get through this because she gets ually harassed by my little brother all the time"? I get why Sehun dislikes him now. He's so ing clueless. I would dislike him too if I had to share a mum with him. Because it's illegal to your brother he really is dense as .

"It was a stupid idea to come here, okay? I don't like places like this, but Baekhyun kind of tricked me into it by saying it would be fun to spend time with Kai." I don't even know what I'm saying. There's no excuse for my stupidity. There's no excuse for kissing his little brother. Oh, here we go again.

I sigh out loudly. "That's why I'm gonna go back to the dorm." And be celibate, protecting myself from this family of life ruiners. That's the spirit.

"But we could have fun, too." Chanyeol activates his puppy mode. He really, really looks so much like a cute little baby dog and I ask myself, how, how in SHINee's name it's possible that that thing is the older brother.

My parents never allowed me to keep a dog. I wanted one so badly that I started to feed homeless one's at the park nearly everyday after school. Yes, that's a cliche, but it only proves how much of a loser I was. And now that I have a nearly two meter tall puppy in front of myself, it's practically impossible to reject him.

I hate myself for being weak against cuteness. Against my guilt and big black eyes.

"Alright. Let's have fun, then."

Said big black eyes get all sparkly. Chanyeol's lips form into an euphoric smile, revealing a huge row of teeth. I can hear a girl not too far away from us start screaming "Look at that psychopath!", and I totally get what she means.

Why does he still look pretty, though? So, so mindblowingly pretty?

Shaking that thought aside, I make my way to the entrance of the whole event, getting followed by long legs that try hard not to walk ahead. I get it, I'm short. I'm not only a , I'm also short. Life is not getting any better.

The funfair is loud and ugly and smelly and everything's god damn expensive and ugh. I don't want to be here at all. I could be at home, refreshing k2nblog until the SHINee repackage appears. I could rewatch SHINee's sketches on Saturday Night Live. I could try to learn the easiest SHINee choreography and brake my bones, because it will still be more difficult than the most difficult choreography of any other group. I could actively ignore Sehun's calls and be sad while listening to my 'SHINee heartbreak mix' playlist. I could do so, so many productive things instead of being here and breathing in this polluted air and listen to children screaming about how badly they want to ride the suicide instruments that they call rollercosters.

"OH. MY. GOD." Chanyeol suddenly screams out. I pop out of my thoughts, staring at the outgrown puppy in shock. What the hell happened now?!

"Look at this, look there! LOOKLOOKLOOK!" 

I follow his finger to where he points, prepared to see corpses and the apocalypse. But it's only a shooting stand with prices that are obviously for children. Various plushies, and, here we go, Rilakkuma, and-

A certain, beautiful little kitten draws my attention. "Hello Kitty," I whisper meaningfully. Mine and Kitty's eyes meet. It's love.

I sprint to the stand, followed by a hyper Chanyeol. Together we knock down about ten children on our way.

The owner of the stand looks slightly terrified by us, and I'd like to think it's because of Chanyeol's crazy murder smile and not because of me eyeing the huge Hello Kitty plush that is wearing a pink tutu.

"You first," he says, carefully gazing at Chanyeol as if he fears that he'd run crazy every second. I can't blame the poor man.

Chanyeol smiles brightly, before looking down to me. "O-or do you want to-"

"Nah." I wave him off. "You go."

He gives me an eyesmile with only one side, while the other only twitches, before taking the fake gun and starting to shoot. 

"Shoot the one in the middle! On the bottom!" I cheer and give him advises, but he's hopeless. He ends up knocking down only two cans after five shots.

"I'm sorry, that was not enough for a price," the man says, now genuinely sad for Chanyeol who's looking like a puppy in the rain. "But maybe the lady has more luck?"

"I will make you my ." I stare at the plushie of my love, not minding about Chanyeol's depression about the loss of the Rilakkuma that wanders to the hands of a very skilful child.

The owner of the stad looks at me, shocked that I use such words while the little girl admires her price. He's probably not accustomed to short little girls talking like gang members, but he still hands me the plastic weapon and explains the rules to me. As if I was a beginner. I played ego shooters before it was cool.

I will never understand why I've always been unable to throw a ball in PE class but happen to be a brilliant sniper at the same time. One, two, three aimed shots that would make every pro-player jealous and all cans fall over.

"Yes, ! Take it!" I yell out in triumph, not caring that mothers already start to drag their children away from me. I do a small victory dance that resembles Taemin's swim move in Replay. Okay, it is his swim move. Don't judge me. I just really, really like SHINee.

"Here you go." The man hands over Hello Kitty to me. I look in her eyes and fall in love all over again. I see me and her in the wedding chapel. Of course SHINee are our band and play my 'I will play this in case I get married slash if a guy ever is desperate enough or I am pregnant enough to make him marry me' playlist. Kitty and me drinking tea, going shopping, me giving birth to little kitties and how we grow old together. I need to see a doctor and change my major to something that fits an insane plusher better. Maybe business administration? They accepted Luhan, so getting in with a plush shouldn't be too hard.

"You are really good at this." Chanyeol is smiling at my win, straddling my wife's  Kitty's head.

"Thank you." I look up to meet his eyes. The black orbs that were filled with sadness some seconds ago now seem to be happy for me. It makes my own smile fade, because guilt, because guilt is such a and oh my god my stomach hurts.

I look at Kitty, then at him, and then at the Rilakkuma plush he wanted, which is now in the hands of the happy little girl that is getting some cotton candy with her mom.

"Wait here," I tell Chanyeol, before sprinting over to the child. 

What I'm about to do is the nicest thing ever and maybe save my from hell. But most important is that it will make those puppy eyes get what they deserve.

"Hello, there." I smile at the child and her mom, that looks puzzled by my appearance. I hope she didn't her me cussing at the stand.

The child tilts her little head before smiling widely. "Hello!"

Still smiling, I make myself smaller by crouching down to meet the height of the child. "Hey, do you want to trade?" I point at her Rilakkuma, holding my Hello Kitty out.

I hope that she's not one of these soulless people that dislike the godlike cat. It's like disliking SHINee, or even Onew. Nobody is evil enough to be capable of disliking angelic Dubuleader Onew.

"Yes!" The girl hops in happiness. Her twintails bounce up and down. I try not to follow her motion with my eyes, because she's too fast and I get dizzy easily. 

The girl looks at her mother, who nods, and then she exchanges the Rilakkuma with me. "Thank you, unnie!"

I smile at the child. "Take good care of her, alright?"

She nods cutely, and her hair. I hope that's what you do with children, because I have no idea. But Lay wants to get whenever he's doing something right, so I think it's the same with children. There's not much of a difference between a permanently stoned unicorn and a child, I guess. 

The mother of the girl thanks me and the both wave as I make my way back to Chanyeol. Looks like he was watching the scene.

"Here." I push the Rilakkuma in his arms. "You owe me one." Actually, you don't, because I still can feel your brother's spit in my mouth, I think. But I don't say that. 

His eyes turn big, bigger than ever. I fear that they are going to fall out, but before this can happen he envelopes me into a bonecrushing hug. Because of my height, or the height that I'm lacking, my forehead is pressed against his s, which makes me feel slightly uncomfortable and well, strangled. Not ally strangled, not in a 'choke me, daddy' way, just strangled as in not-getting-any-oxygen.

I cough several times, but he doesn't back off. Something he has in common with his brother. "Hey, hey, Chanyeol it's-"

"Thank you, so, so much!" He hugs me even tighter and I think I'm about to smother. 

Maybe it's because my brain stops working without air, but I suddenly feel like he smells different today, like a lot of 

Girl.

My heart doesn't skip a beat, it skips twelve, it makes a loop and is crying for help because I'm really bad at controlling feelings like panic and jealously and a huge lot of fear at the same time. I'm not a multitasker when it comes to emotions. I sniffle some more, only to be sure, which makes me realize that it smells familiar.

"W-wait," I say, voice muffled by his chest. "You smell like Etude House."

Chanyeol let's go of me immediately - now bright red and with giant hands covering his face.

I take my time to sniffle on his shirt some more. "Is this is this SHINee's perfume?" Sniff, sniff. "That's Key's fragrance!"

Embarrassed, he steps back before removing his hands from his face and mumbling a faint "Y-yeah", only to cover his face again.

Is he dating a shawol? Who is she and did Kai her already? I ask myself so many questions, but I only speak one out loudly. "Why the hell are you using women's perfume?"

An idea grazes my thoughts - I gasp out internally. What if that's part of some crossdress Baekhyun does with him every night? 

Images of Chanyeol wearing a seifuku come to my mind. I'm about to faint. 

But I guess that's better than him dating a shawol that is not me that Kai has probably ed already?

Not that I'd care. I just prefer homo themed imaginary adventures when it comes to guys I once liked. The whole story with Yixing had a deep impact on my psyche.

"W-well uhm" He laughs hysterically. "After watching the performance with you I I did some research." He coughs awkwardly. "And found those perfumes, I honestly thought they were for men because, uhm, men were promoting them"

What? Seriously? He bought some girly looking Etude House stuff only because SHINee was promoting it? He's learning fast. He's on the path to become a shawol.

I look at him sceptically. "The flacons are shaped like little dolls. There's no way someone could mistake them for men's perfume."

Chanyeol looks overly embarrassed, ready to become a real tomato to match his skin tone, any second. "I didn't really think about that."

I don't know what to say, so I just say what I think, which is by the way always not the way to go. "Why did you choose Key, though?" I would have expected Minho because, I don't know, they are both tall jokes. Or Taemin, because everyone is gay for Taemin. Or Jonghyun, because he has many male fans. But Key? This is so out of character. If this was a fanfiction, I would tell the author he's stupid. Or she. It would probably a girl, only girls write like this.

"Y-you screamed to much when he appeared... N-no, no, I mean, uhm, I-I don't know." He laughs hysterically. "Okay, he was the only o-one I recognized in the product photos."

Is he implying that he only choose Key because he thought he was my favourite? No, I tell my cheeks. Don't blush. Now is not the time for nonsense like this.

"I hope you are not weirded out." Chanyeol scratches the back of his head nervously. Once again, he's the protag of an Anime, as it seems.

I am weirded out. A lot. Actually so much that I want to run away with my hands up in the air, screaming at the top of my lungs.

But I'm cool, I'm an actor, I'm really mature and I feel still feel too guilty to leave him alone.

"Let's get some cotton candy," I somehow manage to press out of my lips. Did I already mention that Sehun kissed those lips? Yes, I feel guilty. 

Chanyeol nods, still facing the ground. I don't have the courage to tell him to look forward, because that would mean that his eyes would meet mine, and I've been ed up enough for today, tomorrow and the rest of my life.

"Are you really okay with trading with that child?" Chanyeol obviously only talks to me to say at least something.

I nod. "I got a Hello Kitty plush recently anyway, so it's fine." Here we go again, memories of Sehun.

Chanyeol's face twitches slightly, as if he's remembering something unpleasant. It's only there for a second before he nods to himself.

Did I say something wrong?

"So, what do you want to do now?" He then asks me.

I want to move to another city, not having to see you and your brother ever again, and marry Minseok. We will have children and Luhan lives with us, being the strange, drunk uncle of our son. This might sound like a weird version of Two And A Half Men to you, but that's what makes the whole deal even better.

But I assume he's talking about funfair activities. 

"I don't care about this stuff. So you decide."

A sad smile forms on Chanyeol's face - somehow I have the feeling that I really have said something wrong, now.

"There's something I'd like to do. But first cotton candy."

Cotton Candy doesn't taste good with the bitter taste of guilt lingering on your lips.

I hate this life, I hate myself and this stupid funfair and Byuningbaekhyunbasic whose I will kick so hard that my foot needs to get operatively removed out of his his body afterwards.

Chanyeol's eyes are so pretty and honest. I ask myself how mine must look. As shabby as my soul? Probably. 

His pretty eyes look at me with an undertone I can't quite interpret.

He is looking so cute with his giant Rilakkuma pressed to his body and the cotton candy that is nearly as big as his head. I feel like he needs to be protected from all evil because he is just so pure, innocent and dense. 

And because I am the opposite of him, evil, erted and ambiguous, I wonder if his lips are dry and rough like his brother's or as soft and juicy as they look. They look so peachy, so pretty and tempting that looking at him eating cotton candy turns into a softcore .

I need to control my thirst.

I try to think about un stuff. Kris shoots to my mind.

Oh, yes. That's perfect. Just imagine Kris being Kris. Here we go, I'm absolutely turned off. Mission completed.

But one single glance at the cute giant makes me lose it again. Alright, concentrate. Bleached hair, ugly outfit, yes Kris, Kris is rapping, Kris is attempting to rap, that's perfect! This is uny enough to cause lifetime erectile dysfunction.  

Pleased with the effect Kris has to my ovaries I continue to eat my own cotton candy. The gummy pink candy is sticking to my face. The rest of it now tastes like sunblock and BB cream.

Chanyeol stares at me. I must look ridiculous. But then he smiles, he smiles a cute eyesmile that makes me hate him. Because I'm not accustomed with this kind of smile by him. I'm familiar with terrifying eye-twitch-action and creepiness. But this looks so angelic that I'm about to throw up.

Kris, Kris that night when he was drunk and covered Thrift Shop by Macklemore, when he talked about how he will make a mix tape and send it to Eminem. Oh, so unappealing. Perfect.

Speaking of the devil, a bleached head all of a sudden appears in the mass of people, accompanied by a short guy with dark brown hair.

I blink several times and yes, it is Kris.

I focus on his companion and my breath gets taken away.

"What is it?" Chanyeol asks. He then follows my eyes before gasping out himself. "Suho?!"

Wu Kris and Kim Junmyeon, my middle school crush, are holding hands and buying sweets at a funfair I am attending with Park Chanyeol, former member of highschool gang Exo. It all reaches its of disturbance when Kris buys Junmyeon a gingerbread heart with the lettering 'Sweetheart'.

Every single guy in the history of my life is turning gay. I liked Junmyeon, whoops, gay. I loved Yixing, whoops, gay. Chanyeol, whoops, bottom for Baekhyun. That pretty boy from the pizza delivery, whoops, probably gay-for-pay. So this is what a tragiccomedy really is. Just a bunch of hot, gay guys.

Really, Kim Junmyeon was the only guy that was ever totally my type. Short, gentle, dark hair, pretty face, sweet, smart and clumsy. A dream. A dream that is now getting a french kiss by Kris and holy , his gets grabbed, too. It's official, the guys I like are not only gay, but also always bottom.

I am crying from the inside. Tao is probably holding his chest right now, looking at the sky and being like "Something's wrong, I can feel it". I feel sorry for his thirsty Chinese .

Chanyeol's mouth remains open in shock. I think about confronting the boys, but I feel to embarrassed to face Junmyeon. He probably doesn't even remember me, hence I was only a meaningless dongsaeng. I remember how he saw me crying in between lessons once, telling me to stop being sad and doing my best. His beautiful smile was what gave me strength to stop my tears and beat the out of Luhan. The first and only fight I ever got in. It made a bully turn into well, he's still a bully. But you know what I mean. Cheesy flashbacks don't always have to make sense. They actually never do. Nope. Totally unrelevant.

"T-that guy, we were friends once," Chanyeol stutters out. 

"I know," I accidentally say, causing him to look at me in confusion. "U-uhm." . There's only the option of telling the truth now, great. No one likes the truth. "Your brother told me."

His mouth forms into a little 'o'. 

"And Kim Junmyeon was in school with me. My first love and stuff, haha." I laugh awkwardly, and hope that it will distract him from the fact that I talked with Sehun about some serious called Ekso. But two seconds after I realize what I said, I regret everything.

"Oh," he says after a very long break, in which Kris and Junmyeon disappear in the crowd. "So he's your type."

"Y-yeah." I clear my throat. Feels like I just swallowed an anvil. But this isn't Tom and Jerry, so this can't be. "But there wasn't anything. I mean, between us. He was an upperclassman and my crush, but he never really noticed me."

"I see." Chanyeol remains silent once again. I never expected him to say something like "I see".

Ever.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

Chanyeol's eyes turn on me. "Yes!" He smiles at me for some reason. Maybe he's happy that I show interest in him.

I try hard for frame my thoughts. "You and Sehun, are you two close? Do you get along?"

Chanyeol looks at me in great surprise before nodding euphorically. "Of course, he's my baby brother after all. I love him."

Ugh. This is so tragic, my heart can't take Chanyeol's onesided love for his baby brother. 

I force myself to smile. I bet it looks crooked as hell. "That's nice. I do get along with my brothers, too."

His smile gets even brighter. "You have brothers, too?"

"Yeah." I smile at the thought. "Luhan and Minseok."

Chanyeol bursts out laughing, his glasses that are too big for his face shake until they're about to fall off. It's too loud and absolutely exaggerated, but it makes my heart pound and my lips curl. Even when his laugh mixes in with ugly grunts.

Funfairs are supposed to be fun. At least that's what people say. I'm really unhappy about the existence of thrill rides, because they make Chanyeol jump up and down in excitement. I'm personally no fan of mass suicide, but when a pleading Chanyeol looks at you and you remember what you did with his brother, it's absolutely normal to agree on riding one with him. 

Sehun and my guilt. you.

After waiting in line for eternity, they let us sit in what I suspect to be the real highway to hell.

"Fasten your seatbelts, please. And you can hold hands if you want, but don't but them up at the beginning and ending." The employee smiles an encouraging smile at me. This confirms my apprehension. I must look awfully scared.

Chanyeol blushes a bit at the employee. I'm not sure if it's because the employee is cute and tall and skinny and has an eyesmile or she said "holding hands". I'm also not sure why I hope it's the second option. But maybe he also blushes because a couple sits behind us, who think it's necessary to make out right before our trip to the afterworld is going to start.

Nonetheless, Chanyeol looks exited. Like a puppy on crack, really. I saw people taking serious drugs and they looked a lot like Chanyeol looks right now. He's hopping up and down while sitting, making his seatbelt climp. His chair rocking doesn't really make it easier for me not to regret various life choices.

I can't laugh at his awkwardness. I'm busy praying to SHINee, god, budda, Super Junior. I don't even know anymore. 

Oh holy Onew, please let me stay alive. I know I made mistakes, but I bought six copies of your last album, so please, please spare my soul and-

I snap back to reality when a huge, soft hand cups my trembling one.

Chanyeol smiles at me. Not a weird, creepy smile, but a calm and kind one. He took his glasses off which makes the impact his eyes have on me even huger. "Don't be scared," he says in a warm but amused tone. "I will protect you."

And without any warning, the rollercoster of satan starts. There are no words in Korean that describe my feelings, so I end up cussing loudly in my native language. It doesn't startle Chanyeol. He only squeezes my hand tighter while laughing and obviously having the time of his life. Seeing him so happy and boisterous nearly makes all my anxiety fade.

Nearly. I still cry manly tears of fear and despair.

The ride does down, down and down to the up, up, down and back up again. Why am I depressed again? Honestly, its a bit tiring to always feel like this.

Chanyeol's touch, the wind blowing through my hair and my own cries make me aware of how short my life is. There's no time to deny and lie and be unhappy.

The ride lasts less than a minute, but it's enough to me up for the rest of my life. When the rollercoster come's to a halt I feel like everything I've ever eaten in my lifespan comes back to hunt me now. My head is spinning and everything I can see his Chanyeol's face when he helps me out of my seat, still holding my hand.

Park Chanyeol's existence spins around me too fully and rapidly. If he smiles today once, just once, I'll just let it go.

"Are you okay?" Chanyeol supports my trembling legs. At this point I know that it's not the ride that is making me shake anymore. 

We have such a dry relationship. Stop your pent up emotions, you stupid , tell me why you still deal with me. Why you are nice sometimes and why you are so awkward all the time. I'm at my limit. Because he's so closed off and I can't talk to him properly.

"Y-yeah," I stutter out. 

Then, it happens. He smiles and I lose it.

Oh no, oh no. He's so pretty. It makes me completely forget everything. Oh no, oh no, so pretty, oh no...

His face twitches when he laughs - and hell, he laughs a lot.  He doesn't close his mouth while eating - it's pretty gross. He's loud and his jokes are bad, he's clumsy and totally helpless. He can be a creep, dense, ugly and also mean, bratty, childish, he can laugh louder than everyone in this world, his ears are so damn cute, he is perfect. And I can't change any of those facts, nobody can, not even Oh Sehun.

It's weird that he's perfection to me.

"Park Chanyeol," I pant out, "You're exactly like a rollercoster ride."

nearly 8000 words because i feel guilty about oh sehun ruining everything. it's 03:05 am where i live and i just hope that this turned out well so i cansleep peacefully.

as you probably noticed, i changed all chapter titles into SHINee song titles and added some references to fit. for this chapter i even used about half the lyrics of up and down, lol. 

i also looked at the results of my poll and was pretty surprised to see that luhan is so damn popular. because of that i created a poll to find out who you ship the protag with / who you want to end up with. please vote if you have the time. http://www.poll-maker.com/poll383156x447F4F79-15

feedback is always appreciated. ive been losing so many subscribers recently, so im really thankful for those of you who stayed. thanks for reading!