REVIEW PICKUP: Crysjun

Title: 4/5

Description: 5/5 It’s simple and gets straight to the point, which I like.

Vocabulary: 7/10 I didn’t see descriptive terms that would catch my attention.

Grammar: 7.5/10 There were many tense changes. Your story is in past tense. Here are some corrections I want to point out:

“His usually expressive face became blank as negative thoughts swam through his mind when the details showed that Mark was constantly getting better and worse, better and worse, as though he didn’t want to get better.” Since this sentence is a bit dragging I cut it a little and fixed some words: “When the details showed his health going up and down, Jinyoung’s usual expressive face became blank as negative thoughts swam through his mind.”

“Jinyoung wanted to see Mark for one last time before he stops taking care of him, and Doctor Wang had reluctantly agreed – but things don’t always go the way you want them to.”

“Jinyoung wanted to see Mark for the last time and Doctor Wang had reluctantly agreed – but things didn’t always go the way you wanted it to.” The reader already knows that if Mr. Tuan wants to separate Jinyoung and Mark, Jinyoung, of course, would not be taking care of him anymore; so you don’t have to include that. And, you don’t have to add “but things don’t always go the way you want them to”. Instead of explaining what’s going to happen, just go straight to the point.

“However, out of all the events that had happened, Mark thinks losing his mother was the worst thing that had happened. Especially because his father seems unaffected by her death.”

“However, Mark thought his mother’s death was the worst, especially because his father seemed unaffected.”

Plot: 9/10

Effect on reader: 8/10 There were just some dragging words that revealed what was going to happen so I didn’t impacted. Also, before I reached the end, I didn’t feel much of Jinyoung’s love towards Mark. Finally at the end, when you said, “he fell twice,” using two meanings (which I found cool), I realized that he was in love with him. But before I thought that they had a close friendship.

Flow: 8/10

Overall: 81/100 Instead of having the “last paragraph explanation” maybe you can try explaining it through the story. To show that Jinyoung loves him, you can explain more of his feelings when reading Mark's health state, when Mark unexpectedly chuckled (his action before he asked him to feed him), and when Mark remembered their childhood moments.

REVIEWER: Jindos21

REVIEW FINISHED ON: 07/06/2014

Reviews are not meant to insult so please don't take our reviews too harshly! This is only from one's point of view.

You can read her story here!