REVIEW PICKUP: morinozuka

Title: 4/5 Why's the story M?

Description: 3/5 The description wasn’t a description. Also, your description seems to be in past tense so: “I wonder when he would stop making me blush.” It should be, “I wondered when he would stop making me blush.”

Vocabulary: 5/10

Grammar: 4/10 There were a ton of tense changes. Your story is in past tense. There were a few times where you meant something but you didn’t mean it. Ex: …someone blocked my way. Not really block my way but… There were times when you needed to add in commas and periods. Some of your sentences were too long, using too many ‘and’ and ‘because’ words. These are some sentences I want to correct:

“He gave them their drinks and let him sat beside me. Iseul slowly took a bite of her banana split, Seulmi too, slowly sipping on her milkshake while Jieun was sipping her milkshake happily as if she had no care for the world.”

C: “He gave them their drinks and sat beside me. Iseul slowly took a bite of her banana split (I’m not sure how you eat a banana split) as Seulmi and Jieun happily sipped their milkshakes as if they had no care for the world.” I tried to use the phrases you used.

“As soon as she saw Jiho, she dragged him by his arms to their seats, and a lot of questions can be heard even though he was sitting far from us.”

C: “As soon as she saw Jiho, she dragged him by his arms to their seats faraway, a lot of questions then heard.” I like to cut sentences down as much as I can. While writing, try getting rid of the extra/repeating words.

This is an extremely long sentence: “There was this one time when I was sitting on the bench with my friends, watching the 10th grade playing soccer (because Seulmi had a crush on Kim Jonghyun) when Dongho spotted me and immediately ran to us while waving his hand, “Noona! Noona!! Noona!!” and he immediately collapsed to the ground when a person accidentally kicked the ball towards his direction and it hit him hard.”

“There was this one time when I was sitting on a bench with my friends, watching the 10^th graders play soccer because Seulmi had a crush on Kim Jonghyun. Dongho spotted me and immediately ran to us, waving his hand, “Noona! Noona!! Noona!!” Suddenly, the ball struck his (body part) and he collapsed to the ground.” I wanted to get more descriptive. There are better words than hit.

Plot: 6/10 I can’t clearly find the plot. It’s just a boy who likes a girl who’s older. The girl has mixed feelings about dating younger boys. Then the boy proves he’s more than just a boy (?), the girl agrees and they date.

Effect on reader: 6/10 While writing, try getting rid of the extra/repeating words. Even though the story was predictable, it would’ve made the moments where Dongho pops up more interesting.

Flow: 5/10 It was quick. She went from getting annoyed/humiliated/angry to missing his annoying presence.

Overall: 55/100  

REVIEWER: Jindos21

REVIEW FINISHED ON: 07/12/2014

Reviews are not meant to insult so please don't take our reviews too harshly! This is only from one's point of view.

You can read her story here!