I walked into this dance studio for the first time in forever. It had been years since I had last step foot in this tiny place. This tiny shack of a place used to be my safe haven during the tough trainee years. I hadn’t visited it since I debuted, so I was surprised to see the same receptionist, that greeted me with a wide smile when I was only twelve, was still working at the front desk. Of course the once young lady seemed much older now, but her smile remained the same and it took me back to much simpler times in my life. I was surprised she still recognised me.

“My goodness! It’s been so long.” She exclaimed pushing her glasses higher up her nose bridge to get a better look at me. She came around her desk and began to inspect me.

“It really has, but not much has changed around here.” I commented looking around the old place.

“Ah...well you know we don’t have much income. We barely make enough to get by. You were one of our most loyal customers, but you stopped coming. You debuted and no longer needed a shack to practice in.” She scoffed pretending to be offended, but soon gave me a smile. “What brings you back here though? Don’t you have those fancy dance studios in YG?”

“Yeah, but I’m not on the best terms with the CEO at the moment.” I laughed awkwardly looking down at my feet. I was still receiving the cold shoulder treatment from YG.

“Ah yes. Say no more. I read the articles and saw the pictures and videos. You really made a fool of yourself.” she said.

“Please don’t remind me.” I couldn't help but groan. “I kind of want to clear my mind of everything that’s been going on in my life. Which is why I’m here, so can I get a room please?” I smiled at her.

“Here. Go dance your stress away.” She smiled at me as she handed me the key to the same room I would always visit as a young kid. I walked down the hall until I reached the last door on the left. It was almost chilling how nothing had changed from this room except maybe for the sound equipment. Other than that it was as if I boarded a time machine that transported me back in time. If only that were the case I would have stopped myself from ever falling in love with Yifan. I set my backpack down in the corner and began to stretch a little before plugging my iPod into the equipment. I pressed shuffle on the device. I would freestyle to whatever song played. Tonight I would let my body express itself in whatever way it needed too. I would drown myself in something productive, just like Jongin suggested.

The first song to sound through the speakers was Feedback by Janet Jackson. I made sure to turn the volume all the way up. It was a good thing that these rooms were soundproof that way no one would complain about the loud music. I walked to the center of the room and took a deep breath before I let the music consume me. The music guided each of my limbs as my body moved to the upbeat rhythm. My hair was wild as I glided and popped to the song. When the song came to an end I couldn’t help but smile at my reflection. This felt so good, so right, so liberating. The next few songs were just as upbeat and I loved every moment of it, but then my iPod seemed to take a sadistic turn when it began to play songs I hadn’t heard in months; songs I had last heard when I was wrapped in his arms. My body halted when All of Me by John Legend came one. I was already short of breath from the rapid dancing I was doing, but this song seemed to be completely blocking my airways. I wanted to fight through the memories, but it was damn hard.

We both sat on our bed, and wrapped in the bedsheets. We had spent the whole day in bed with each other doing absolutely nothing productive. Well perhaps not entirely unproductive. We did have our fun tangled in the bedsheets. We were finally eating dinner as soft music played in the background.  He fed me another slice of pizza. He watched as I swallowed the bite I took before leaning in to kiss me. His kiss became more intense as he softly pushed me back so that I now lay with my back against the bed. We parted lips in order to catch our breath and in that moment our eyes locked. My insides melted as I stared into those beautiful brown orbs.

“You’re so damn beautiful.” he stated before taking possession of my lips again. I welcomed him as I entangled my fingers into his hair pulling him closer to me. He pulled away for the second time to my disappointment. He couldn’t help but laugh at my protest. “Come.” he stated as he got off me and the bed.

“Where?” I asked as I took his hand.

“Let’s dance.” he said pulling me closer by the waist. He grabbed the stereos control and turned up the music. John Legend’s All of Me was playing when his left hand grabbed ahold of my right hand. His right arm secured itself around my waist. I draped my other around him. Our bodies graced around the room in sync as the beautiful melody played. He spun me around so that my back was pressed against his chest. His arms locked right below my bellybutton. He began to sing along to the song as we swayed along to the song, “My head's underwater, but I'm breathing fine. You're crazy and I'm out of my mind.” he sang.

I turned around to face him before singing the next lines, “ ‘Cause all of me Loves all of you…”

I wasn’t exactly sure when my body had submitted to the floor, but now I lay on the ground as hot tears rolled down my face. I brought my knees up to my chest as I layed on my side. I hated feeling so damn weak. For all I knew he was off with some other woman already and here I was crying in the fetal position. I needed a drink. I needed to numb myself and rid myself of the memories. I covered my ears not wanting to listen to the damn song anymore. I was to weak and broken to get up and turn it off now. I shut my eyes and began to scream trying to drown it out evenmore. The song ended abruptly and the room fell silent except for footstep approaching me and my sobbing.

“Hey...hey...Minzy look at me…” I heard his voice as he brushed hair out of my face. I opened my eyes to see Jongin squatting next to me. He grabbed ahold of me so that we both stood up facing each other. “What’s wrong?” he questioned a worried expression written all over his face. I couldn’t help but cry harder the more he examined me. He pulled me into his chest and I became a complete mess in his arms. I was soaking his shirt but he didn’t seem to mind as he only held me tighter and patted my back trying to comfort me. I was able to calm myself down only a few minutes later.

He handed me a bottle of water as we both sat down on the studio floor. Our backs were pressed against the wall of mirrors. We remained silent for a few more minutes before he spoke up, "I thought you came to do something positive, but I walk in and you're having another meltdown."

"It started out positive." I said.

"Want to talk about it?" He asked.

"Not really." I responded.

"I think it'd help if you did." He insisted.

“No it would just open up more wounds when the ones I already have haven't completely healed yet.” It got quiet again.

“What was life like before him?” he asked out of the blue completely shocking me with his question.

“Wh...what do you mean?” My mind went into panic mode. Did he know? If so how? Would he turn me into the police?

“What were you like before you met the guy that broke your heart? What did you do?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I kept trying to play him off and feign innocence. If he he really did know I wouldn’t go down so easily.

“Oh c’mon you mean to tell me you were always this emotionally unstable.” he paused for a brief moment to think. “Well I guess it could be true...you’re pretty crazy.” he laughed.

“Pfft. Like you’re not crazy. You’ve got major anger issues, and what makes you so sure it was a guy.” I taunted back. Maybe he was aware that a guy broke my heart, but I don’t think he knows it was Yifan.

“I could lie and say I’m psychic and I know everything, but the truth is the girls told me.” I simply nodded my head in understandment. I could finally relax. He knew as much as the girls knew which was relieving. “So how was life before him.” he asked again.

“That’s the sad thing I don’t remember life before him.” I stared blankly ahead trying to remember life before him, and I came up with nothing. How humiliating. I always swore I’d never become those girls that allowed men to become their entire world, and yet here I was.

“I refuse to believe that.” he commented. “I mean you came here which meant something right? Everybody says how amazing your dance skills are. You use it as an outlet don’t you?”

“I used to, but after today I’m not so sure I want to anymore.”

“Don’t be pathetic Minzy. You’re really going to let one bad relationship ruin the thing you love the most. You must be a lot weaker then I thought.”

“You know you really have a strange way of comforting someone.” I looked at him incredulously. I was beginning to get used to it though. He tended to speak the harsh reality of all matters. He simply shrugged his shoulders in response. “I’m not weak by the way.” I made sure to add in.

“Prove it.” he challenged.

“How?” I asked. He stood up from the ground and I watched as he walked to the sound system on the other side of the room. He unplugged my iPod and connected his phone instead.

“Dance.” he stated before music blared through the speakers. He crossed his arms as he leaned against the wall. A sly smirk played on his lips and I just wanted to wipe it off. Just as I brought myself up to my feet ready to accept his challenge a knock on the door stopped me.

"Hey Minzy we're closing in five minutes." The receptionist peeked into the room to inform me. I nodded and smiled to let her know we'd be leaving shortly.

“Saved by the bell.” Jongin commented as soon as she left us alone again. He unplugged his phone and picked up my backpack, slinging over his shoulder, before heading to the door. “You coming?” he asks an eyebrow raised as he looks back at me. I quickly trail after him as we exit the dance studio into the cold Seoul night.

♚♚♚

“Hey.” I peeked into his room. He rarely ever had the door to his room open, so when I saw it open tonight I took it as an opportunity to look inside. He was fast asleep on his bed. He must've been so tired from the trip back from Myanmar that he crashed out on the bed and left his suitcase halfways unpacked on the floor. This was the first time I had seen him wear a sleeveless shirt (a tank top to be exact), and he had so many interesting tattoos adorning his biceps. I followed them as they traveled up onto his shoulders and down onto his chest before disappearing beneath the shirts fabric. One tattoo in particular caught my attention. It lay right above his heart, but I could only about half of it because the rest was covered by his shirt. It was in the shape of a hexagon or pentagon and it had what seemed like stripes inside the shape. It seemed almost familiar, but I couldn’t remember where I had seen it.

“What are you doing?” he said with his eyes still closed. I jumped back startled before I turned away with heated cheeks because I realised I was literally gawking at his body.  He finally opened his eyes and sat up on his bed. “I asked you something. Did you need something? Or were you just checking me out?” he stated.

I whipped my head back towards him to see a smirk on his face. “I was not checking you out!” I scoffed back at him.

“Sure seemed like it.” he kept poking at me.

“Whatever.” I stated before storming out of his room. I headed towards the kitchen to drink a glass of cold water.

“Hey, Minzy!” he called out from his room.

“What do you want?!” I yelled back.

“I’m hungry.” he said as he walked towards me.

“And? What do you want me to do about it?” I glared back at him.

“Let’s go out and get some fried chicken; yeah?”

“I’m not hungry.” I stated as I crossed my arms over my chest. However, seeing as luck was not on my side, my stomach began to rumble in hunger. In all honesty I was starving. “Ugh. Let me go change.” I said defeated.

“Awesome!” he exclaimed in victory.

I came out of my room a few moments later dressed in jeans, a white t-shirt, and my favorite converse.

“Here put this on.” he said as he handed me a heavy jacket and held a helmet in his other hand.

“What for?” I questioned.

“You don’t expect me to ride the van do you? That just screams celebrity to the public. They’ll swarm the place the moment they spot you.”

“I doubt it…” I said a bit deflated. My star status wasn’t that grand. I was sure once people found out they would just leave uninterested.

“Look I’m not going to throw you a pity party because you think you’re inferior to your members or any other of the other robots in this industry. So put on the jacket and lets go I’m starving.”

We walked out to the front of a house where a black Suzuki motorcycle awaited. He put the helmet he had in his hands on. He pulled up the visor so that only his eyes could be seen.

“Come here.” he said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer. He must’ve pulled too hard because I ended up colliding against his chest. I inhaled his scent and it seemed so familiar to me, but I couldn’t remember from where. I looked up at him and caught his piercing eyes staring back at me. We remained in that moment for a few more second till we both pushed away from each other. He cleared his throat and quickly placed a helmet over my head and made sure to shut the visor. He hopped onto his bike and motioned me to follow. Once I was on he reached for my arms and wrapped them around his waist. “Hold on tight.” he said before we sped away.

We pulled up to a chicken restaurant that was in a very secluded part of the city. It was late into the night so there weren’t many people around at this time. We ordered our food and took a seat in one of the corner tables next to the window. We sat in silence, just picking and eating at our fried chicken, for a while. Everything was fine until he dropped the chicken thigh he was eating, and sighed heavily before looking at me questionably.

“What?” I asked already knowing that look. Whenever he was disappointed or he disapproved of my actions I received that look. However, I had done absolutely nothing infelicitous in these last few weeks, so I shouldn’t be receiving that look.

“What’s all that secrecy with the Winner kids?” he asked as he grabbed napkins from the napkin dispenser. “You’re always locked away in their waiting room, or accompanying them to the studio.” he said as he placed a napkin next to me. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about them. They were such amazing individuals and artists. It was awesome, also, that I finally had people my age in the company to hang out with. I realized that I had been spending a copious amount of time with them, especially since they came on some of our tour dates. “You like one of them don’t you? Is it the one that’s always carrying a guitar isn’t it? Because if you don’t remember I’ll remind you that it’s against company rules to date within the company.” He assumed.

“What?! No I don’t!” I declared. What the heck was he saying now!

“Then what is it?” he questioned giving me a slight glare.

“Remember when you asked me what life was like before I met him?” I questioned to which he nodded yes in response. “Well I liked writing lyrics, but I never received much support from YG or any producers in the company. So, I just stopped, but after everything happened I started writing expressing my feelings through writing again. I knew I wasn’t to get much help from the company. YG would have probably told me to just stick to singing what I was given like he did last time I presented him with something of mine. So I asked Winner for help instead. They’re helping me…helping me write my own song.” I said rather shyly because I didn’t want anybody finding out yet. Which is one of the reasons I was hiding it from Jongin too. The feeling of writing down my feelings and then singing them was so refreshing and liberating in every sense of the way. “Seungyoon is teaching me how to play the guitar, and Taehyun the piano. They’re all giving me input and co-writing lyrics with me too.” I couldn’t help but feel the butterflies in my stomach as I remembered the melody we came up with. It sounded beautiful, well at least to me it did.

“Oh!” He said rather stunned. “Is it done?”

“Not yet.” I shook my head. “We’re still fine tuning some details.” I said rather proudly.

“Can I listen to what you have so far?” he asked.

“How about you be the first one to listen to it when it’s completely finished?” I bargained because I wasn’t completely happy with what we had so far.

“I’d like that.” he stated with a genuine smile on his lips.

“Me too.” I smiled back at him. He wasn’t as bad as I had thought after all. We finished up our dinner and then headed back home.

♚♚♚

The girls were over tonight. I’m fetching the snacks in the kitchen, while Bom stirs the ramyun in the pot. Chaerin and Dara are in the living room fixing the couch so that we can all lay comfortably to watch the Harry Potter marathon that will begin in any moment.

“So where exactly did he go?” Bom asked.

“I’m not sure. He just said he had a family emergency and had to leave. He didn’t say when he’d be back either.”

“Well I hope everything is okay.” Bom said as she picked up the pot to take to the living room.

“Me too…” I said, but his actions made thing seem otherwise. It was just a couple of hours ago when he ran out of the house a duffle bag in hand. I wasn’t exactly sure if it was panic or fear written on his face, but seeing him that state was frightening to me because I had never seen him like that. He ushered a quick, “Promise you won’t do anything stupid while I’m gone. No matter what you see or hear don’t do anything reckless.... I’ll see you soon.” before slamming the door behind him. I followed Bom out of the kitchen with bags of chips, gummies, and chocolate. I sat in between Bom and Chaerin after I put down the snacks in front of us. Chaerin gave me a tight squeeze as I settled in.

“I’m so proud of how far you’ve come.” she whispered to me. I looked up at her and gave her my most sincere smile. I was quite proud of myself. I hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since the night at the dance studio. I revisited the dance studio constantly, and I loved every minute of it. I had also come to discover a new passion of mine - song writing. I wasn’t as great as Jiyong oppa, or the other talented songwriters in my company, but I could create small pieces. With the help of others I was able to write my first song. Yi fan's memory was still a constant in my life, but he no longer seemed to rule my will to live. I was becoming stronger, and I was surviving for myself.

The opening credits for the first movie began to roll when I realized I had forgotten about the drinks.

"I'll be back. I'm going to get some drinks for us." I whispered to the girls. They nodded in approval as I went into the kitchen. I grabbed a tray from the shelf and placed four glass cups along with a different array of juices and soda for us to enjoy as we watched the movies. As I headed back into the living room I heard the girls groan in agitation. The movie had been cut off and in its place a news anchor appeared.

"We apologize for disrupting your local programing, but we have some breaking news. Chinese officials have reported the death of two high ranking EXO members after a deadly gunfire confrontation in northern China… We will continue to report as the story develops..."  

A sudden ringing in my ears began as the death of two high ranking EXO members kept replaying my head. I lost the grip on the tray and the glass cups and bottles fell to the floor. I followed suit, feeling weak in my knees. I was surrounded by the flowing liquid of some drinks that had exploded and shards of glass. I was feeling extremely sick to my stomach now. My members screamed as soon as everything hit the floor, and as soon as they turned around I heard their collective gasps.

“Oh my goodness!” Dara exclaimed as they all scurried behind the couch in my aid.

“What happened?” Chaerin asked as she helped me off the ground.

“I must have tripped.” I answered absentmindedly.

“Did you hit your head or something? You’re looking really pale Minzy.” Bom asked.

“I… I think I’m just going to go rest… I’m not feeling so… good anymore.” I stammered through my words as my head began to spin and my stomach tightened in knots.

“Here let me help you.” Bom said as she took my arm and lead me to my room. I climbed into my bed and pulled the covers over me. “Don’t worry about the mess we’ll clean it up for you.”

“Thanks.” I mumbled as she closed my bedroom door. As soon as she left my tears began to flow. This couldn’t be happening. They were untouchable in my eyes. They were always so careful; how could this be happening? I quickly grabbed my phone and searched through news outlets. They were all talking about EXO. I clicked on the first article that popped up in the search results. I quickly scanned through it until I came upon the first name, Luhan.

High death toll after violent confrontation between Chinese officials and Drug Cartel.

“...Chinese authorities have released the name of the deceased criminal as Luhan. He was accompanied by another man which authorities are having trouble identifying because the man seems to have no history records at all. However, due to forensics they have identified the man as Chinese and about 23 years of age…”

No this couldn’t be Luhan’s fate. He didn’t deserve such a violent death because he was such a sweet gentlemen. The second person though… Chinese? 23? Tao… Oh gosh no! Both of them were such sweethearts. They didn’t deserve this at all.

That night I curled up into a ball and mourned the death of two beautiful souls in the darkness of my room…