Black. My world was black. I was surrounded by nothingness. This darkness was scary. I didn’t know where I was or what to expect. In the distance I heard voices, but it was hard to make out exactly what they were saying. The voices began to get louder and the darkness around me was replaced by very blurred vision.

“Put more pressure on it. Put more pressure.” a voice said.

Black.

“Minji stop closing your eyes. Look at me. Listen to my voice. Don’t fall asleep.”

Black.

“Drive faster!”

“I’m going as fast as I can!”

Black.

“Quit being ing selfish Yifan” a voice said. “Theres no way she’s going to make it if we try to take her to Yixing, or bring Yixing to her. Let her go!”

Black

“I’m so sorry…”

“Let’s go! Let’s go!”

Wheels screeching against pavement, and an engine roared.

Black.

The darkness lasted a long time. I couldn’t see or hear anything anymore as I felt myself stand in the middle of it all. The more I tried to see something the more tired I grew. I tried to come to terms with what exactly was happening at the moment, but I couldn’t. All I knew was that I was cold, scared, and surrounded by nothingness. Suddenly the darkness began to fade around me. I was now surrounded by what looked like fog. It was still difficult to see, but nonetheless it was a relief to be able to see my hands and body. As I looked down I was confused to see myself wearing a beautiful white grecian dress that fell over my bare feet. A beautiful gold bracelet adorned my right wrist as well.

A sudden bright light glowed ahead of me making it much clearer to see a pathway leading up to it. Following the light my body didn’t feel so cold or tired anymore. Something within me told me that I needed to reach that light and everything would be ok after that.

“Where are you heading to young one?” a man’s voice asked behind me. I turned to face the voice. I saw a man about six feet tall in all white standing a little to the left of me. “You’re going the wrong way.” he said to me. You’d think I’d be scared of some random stranger appearing in an unknown place, but it was the complete opposite. I felt calm seeing the man’s serene face. He was quite handsome in my opinion. He reminded me of Yifan in some strange way. “You need to go the other way.” he said pointing in the other direction. I looked at where he was pointing and didn't want to walk in that direction I wanted to go to the light. I shook my head no I wasn’t going back to the dark. “You must endure the darkness for a while young one. It won’t last much longer, but you can’t head in that direction just yet. It’s not your time. You can’t leave him too. Come on now get going. Everything will be fine. It’s time to go back now.”  he began to retreat into the fog and eventually disappeared from my sight. I looked back towards the light, but that had also disappeared. I was left alone as the darkness engulfed me again.

♚♚♚

“She’s waking up! She’s waking up!” a panicked voice wrang. My eyelids felt heavy and my throat felt so dry. I really wanted water. I tried opening my eyes as best I could, but the bright lights shining on me made it difficult to do so. Where was I? What happened to me? Where was Yifan? These voices calling for me who were they? That beeping noise what was it?

“Minji, how are you feeling?” I put all my focus on the concerned voice. When my eyes finally focused on the person I felt a weak smile form on my lips.

“Unnie” my raspy voice called out to her as my hand attempted to reach for Bom, but failed miserably. I noticed some small tube coming out from my hand. I brought my hands together, so that my right hand could inspect the foreign device on my left hand. My eyes followed the tube up to an IV drip, and that was when I finally took the time to take in my surroundings. The room was halfways white on top, and halfways blue on the bottom with a medium sized window to my right. A heart monitor was beeping to my right as well. A ventilator was to my left, behind the IV drip, which connected the plastic tubes in my nose to provide me with oxygen. The bed I lay in was in the center of the room, and Bom unnie was standing at the foot of the bed.

“The doctor is on his way.” Another voice called from the entrance of the room. I turned to see Chaerin and sajangnim walk into the room with concerned looks. The boss’, however, was a mixture of concern and anger. Trying to figure out exactly how I ended up here just made my head hurt.

“Where am I? What happened?” I asked them.

“We were actually hoping you’d be able to tell us what happened. Why exactly you were admitted into an Indonesian hospital with gunshots that nearly cost your life!” Sajangnim scolded.

“Now is not the time.” Chaerin unnie warned him. Gunshots? I thought to myself before it all clicked, and all the awful memories began to replay in my head one by one. The heart monitor began to beep at a faster pace as my heart began to race with anguish, and my mind with questions. If I was here where was Yifan? Was he okay?

“Ah good to see you’re awake.” a middle aged man said in English with a slight accent. “How is she feeling?” he asked Chaerin which she translated into Korean for me.

“Confused.” I responded which she translated into English to the doctor. He simply nodded in understanding before lifting my eyelids and shining lights into my eyes. He then grabbed my wrist and checked my pulse. He took his stethoscope from around his his neck and checked my heart before he sat me up a bit to check my lungs.

“The lung is sounding much better.” the doctor said in Korean smiling at me. I gave him a quizzical look. I thought he couldn’t speak Korean.

“My wife is Korean. She teaches me some things every now and then, but I prefer speaking Indonesian or English.” he smiled at me. Him being trilingual reminded me of someone else that was very capable of speaking more than one language… Yifan. I needed to know where he was if he was ok. "If you can all step out for a moment I'm going to be inspecting her wounds, and make sure they're healing properly." He told the other three people in the room. Once they left the room the doctor pulled the blanket to my feet exposing my hospital gown, and bare legs. I saw white gauze wrapped around my left leg. He removed the gauze and exposed the healing, raw skin. "Ah. Very good. Very good. This one wasn't so bad. It didn't pierce you the bullet simply skimmed your skin." He smiled. “Now let’s have a look at the other two shall we?” He began removing my hospital gown, but I objected feeling embarrassed. The only man that had ever undressed me was Yifan. It was weird for another to do so, but it was even more stupid of me because this man was a doctor. I quickly let go of my gown so he could do his job. I was shocked to see angry, black and purple marks stamped against my white skin. He carefully removed the gauze from my left side. I quickly shut my eyes not wanting to see the horror of the wound. “This one did go into you. It cracked a few ribs, but thankfully the ribs stopped it from touching your lungs if not we would have been in bigger trouble. Now lets check the one that nearly cost your life.” He moved around the bed to right side of the bed and lifted the other side of my gown. “This one was meant to create great damage. It went in through your back, and exited through the front. If it moved another inch to the left it would have hit your spine causing paralyzation. It did however hit your lung causing it to collapse. We lost you for about a minute. Your heart gave out on us because of all the blood you had lost, but you pulled through. You’re a strong girl Minzy. The wounds are healing as they should be. We’ll just perform some x-rays to make sure all your lung and ribs are healing as well. Do you have any questions or concerns for me?” The doctor asked me. I stayed silent not exactly knowing what to say or ask. “Very well then.” he began to walk towards the exit when I finally had a question.

“Doctor?”

“Yes?”

“How did I get here? Like how exactly did I end up at this hospital? Was I admitted my someone? Was someone with me?” I tried to pry information from the doctor about Yifan without exactly giving away my secret.

“No. You were alone. A nurse leaving for lunch found you lying outside our emergency room entrance. You were where our ambulances come just laying there bleeding out. Thankfully whoever left you there left a number to call.”

“Oh.” He opened the door, and the other three people were ready to barge into the room, but the doctor stopped them. “I think we should let her rest.” the doctor said.

“”Rest?!” Bommie cried out. “She’s been asleep for five days!”

♚♚♚

“Minzy I don’t know about leaving you here. You should come back to the dorm, so we could take better care of you.” Dara said as she pushed my wheelchair (that she insisted I used until my wounds were fully healed) into the small house. We had arrived in Korea today because the doctor gave me the ok to fly four days after I had awoken from my five day coma. I was eager to be back and see him. I knew he’d be awaiting my arrival back to our home. I had to call him to let him know I was back.

“Unnie I’ll be fine. My parents will be coming anytime now.” I reassured her.

“Yeah, but your parents are really busy people. They’ll be here for about an hour and then leave.” Bom said.

“Well you girls are busy people too. The manager is waiting for you girls to go to the radio station. Remember I had a really bad case of food poisoning that I’m still recovering from.” Word that I was hospitalized spreaded through the internet thankfully the hospital I was “dropped” off at was private, so the information as to why I was hospitalized cannot become public. YG blamed my hospitalization on food poisoning and extreme fatigue which is why I’d be missing some schedules. Thankfully the public bought it which made me feel guilty for lying, but I was also lying to my group and staff. I told them I couldn’t remember anything, and the doctor said that could be because I had suffered trauma to the head. But I remembered everything up until the first time I out. I remember the buzzing bullets and the stinging, but if they asked my mind was blank.

“We should get going now.” Our leader said as they parked me in my fake room. “Call us if you’re feeling any type of discomfort at all. For anything! We’ll leave what we’re doing and come straight over here. Okay?”

“Got it.” I responded. The moment they exited the room and I heard the van pull off the property. I whipped out the new phone I was given, and punched in the number I had long memorized. I waited for it to begin to wring, but the ring never came. Instead an automated message was in its place.

“I’m sorry, but the number you have dialled is no longer in service or does not exist. Please try again with a working phone number.”

I took the phone from my ear in disbelief. This was his number I knew it by memory how could it be nonexistent. I must have made a mistake dialling it that must be it. I erased the number I input and dialled his number again.

“I’m sorry, but the number you have dialled is no longer in service or does not exist. Please try again with a working phone number.”

Again? No this time I knew I had dialled it correctly. I took my time to do it carefully. I couldn’t have made a mistake, or did I? I’ll try again. That was what I did ten more time, and I got the same automated message each time. The number no longer existed. My heart began to feel panic. Surely he was ok right? His phone probably got jacked up in the chaos just like mine had disappeared as well. He was probably in the big house awaiting me. I quickly rolled myself to the entrance of the basement which led to the underground tunnel connected to the big house. Going down and up the stairs would be the hard part, but I had to try before my parents came. I groaned as I lifted myself off the wheelchair holding onto my sore sides. I steadied myself against the wall as I began to catch my breath. I couldn’t believe how tiring it was just to be able to stand on my own. I quickly opened the door to enter the basement, but was met with darkness. There was no entrance to the basement anymore. Instead there stood a black wall. I tried my hardest pushing against it but it wouldn’t budge. The black wall stay put denying me the entrance. What was going on?

I needed to get to the big house. I needed answers from him. All I wanted was his warmth and reassurance that he was okay that we okay. Why was he making it so difficult for us to reunite? I sat back down in the wheelchair ready to journey off through the woods to get to the big house, but the doorbell rang at the wrong moment. My parents must be here.

Their visit was longer than I expected. They made sure I was in bed, and my mom fed so much homemade food I thought I would eventually pop from eating so much! My mom at one point began to cry and pleaded me to be more careful. My dad had to take her out of the room for a few minutes. By the time they left the sun had disappeared, so I knew I had to go first thing in the morning.

The morning came as soon as the night had left. I had a quick breakfast and then took the antibiotics the doctor prescribed before I left into the forest. Going through the dirt and plants in a wheelchair was hard, but I knew if I tried walking I wouldn’t even make it a half a kilometer out of the small house. After an hour or so I had finally made it to the doorsteps of the estate. I took out the spare keys that were in the small house and unlocked the front door. At first glance there weren’t signs of anyone in the estate.

“Hello?!” I called out. “Is anybody home?! Babe I’m back. Anybody home?” I asked but my echo was the only response. I wheeled myself further into the house, but there were no signs of any human living here. I quickly went into our room I looked to see if there were any traces of him, and to my disbelief all of his belongings that once shared the space with my things were gone. I went into all the other rooms, and none of the guy’s belongings were there either. What happened that they left leaving no trace of their whereabouts. Where are you Yifan?

♚♚♚

A month had gone by and yet I had received no news of him yet. The weather was getting colder just like my heart was beginning to freeze. A month had gone by feeling absolutely nothing. A dark cloud had surrounded me making me feel absolutely nothing. I had become numb to emotions. I knew everybody around me had noticed it, but they wouldn’t approach me about it for fear that I would worsen. However, one thing they did insist on was me moving back to the dorm, and I did. Being at the other place just made me feel empty. I would perform my first concert today since the accident maybe then I would feel something.

“Girls I have your fan letters.” our manager handed out stacks of envelopes as we got into the van that would take us to the hotel. I took mine and tucked them into my purse. I would read them once I got into my room.

“Here are your room keys. We’ll meet here in the lobby at 4 pm to go to the venue.” Our manager instructed we had two hours to ourselves. We all nodded and then everyone began to disperse into the hotel.

“Minzy we’re going to Dara’s room to eat lunch c’mon.” Bom unnie said.

“I’m not hungry. I’m going to go to my room and rest.”

“But you didn’t even eat on the airplane.” Dara commented.

“I just want to rest unnie.” I said in a more aggravated tone.

“Ok then.” they said hesitantly and we went our separate ways.

Once in my room I sat on my bed, and pulled out the letters. I felt so ungrateful reading them. I had always felt great emotion reading them, but now I would read them carelessly and then move on to the next one without giving them much thought. I had gotten to the bottom of the pile and something about this one was different. the envelope read:

To: Superstar Minzy

From: XO

It couldn’t be a coincidence that the superstar and the XO were bolded. Could this be a message from them?! I quickly tore the envelope open, and sure enough it was a letter from Suho.

Our Dearest Superstar,

    We are glad to see that you are fine. I always knew you were a tough girl, and you surely proved it by surviving. I am sure you are full of questions at this moment. Just know that we are all fine. Yifan is coping with your absence, but he has finally understood what we all knew. The relationship between you two was damned from the very beginning. It was destined to fail. It is just regrettable that it took  for you to almost die for him to realize it. He knows now, and he has yet to forgive himself for what happened that day. Trust me Minji it is much better this way. Live your life to the fullest, and forget we ever existed in your life. It will be hard to do so, but you can do it. Find a good man and be happy with him. Live a normal life with him, one that you could never have obtained with Yifan. Don’t look for more than what I have provided because you won’t find us.

Sincerely,

    Suho

P.S. Do not fear anymore. You are protected by us. Farewell Superstar.

Just like that a short letter from him was all it took to understand he had abandoned me. He simply left taking my heart and soul with him. I don’t know how long I sat there just staring at the letter in disbelief because before I knew it an angry knock from my manager banged against my door demanding I get out now!

Most of the concert was a blur. I had felt nothing until a certain song’s chords began to play in the background. We all sat as the acoustic version of Come Back Home began to play. I guess I was capable of feeling now because when unnie began to sing the first verse my heart that I had not felt in a long time began to race.

One two three You left me but I can hear you breathing from somewhere

Why was I feeling now? I had sang this song countless amounts of times before. Now I fully understood and felt the lyrics. You left me, but your presence remains at every waking moment.

Once again Four five six Red tears are flowing I miss your smell that once held me

Singing that was more difficult than I had thought. My throat constricted, and I heard my voice crack. I just wanted to be held by you at this precise moment. Why did you leave me?

You said it was for my own good and you turned away coldly like a lie Why did you Why did you, you’re gone away

For my own good? you don’t know what is good for me. You can’t make those decisions for me. You were good for me! You! But you’re gone away now… Come back home now…

The moment the song ended I raced off the stage to catch my breath and pull myself together. It couldn’t go on like this forever we still had ten more songs to go through. I had to pull through for the sake of everyone. For my own sake.

“What the hell was that?” Chaerin scolded backstage.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized. “I just needed to catch my breath that’s all. I’m ready to go back. C’mon let’s go.” I said pulling her back out to the stage with me.

♚♚♚

We arrived back in Seoul the next day. I felt it now I was broken in the very essence of the word. We walked into our dorm, and I was ready to head into my room but was stopped by Bom.

“Minzy wait!” she said. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” I said nonchalantly.

“Okay. Umm we were going to head out to the store thats down the block want to come?” she asked.

“No thanks. I’m going to rest.”

“Right. Ok we’ll be back, and we’ll bring you some goodies.”

“Thanks.”

I walked into my bedroom just as broken if not more than when I left. This overwhelming feeling of being left on the side of the rode like a piece of trash bothered me. I hadn’t cried since the incident. I hadn’t cried since I was told that I was just dropped off at the hospital with no one to accompany me. I hadn’t cried when I had no word from him. I hadn’t cried since I received news from him. I had shown no emotion despite the fact that everything that had happened up until this point had broken me. I think my heart and mind were finally allowing me to cry because tears cascaded down my face.

I can’t stand the pain anymore! The hole he left in me just grows deeper and wider. Pretty soon there won’t be any of me left. Did he not understand  that I needed him to survive? He kept me whole he had become a huge part of me. The day he left he broke me and I just caved in. By now my tears were mixed with sadness and anger. The rage within me began to spurt out in blood curdling screams of hate and help. I stood in front of my dresser’s mirror, and looked at my reflection. I was pitiful. My makeup was running freely down my face.

“You’re a ing idiot!” I screamed at my reflection. I grabbed the ceramic flower that held my rings and threw it at my reflection causing the mirror to shatter. Pieces of it flew towards me and I felt a small piece pierce my neck. This pain was nothing compared to what I felt internally because of his absence.

“How could you?!” I questioned the absent man. Hopelessly screaming at him in hopes that this was all a horrible nightmare. “You couldn’t of just left me like that right? Are you watching me? Tell me you’re still here!” I said spinning around to each wall in hopes of finding something telling me he was watching me at this precise moment. Of course I was delusional to think so, but that didn’t stop by sorrowful, hateful rant for him.

“I hate you! I hate you so much! How can you change my life so much, and then just leave!” By now I was hysterical. I threw whatever was in my path across the room my vision was so blurry from all the tears I kept tripping over the things on the floor. “ you and all your promises!  This is what you wanted isn’t it? You made a fool of me! You win!” I threw my hands up in defeat. “Now come back...”

I threw one of my treasured flower pots against the wall across from me with all my might. The one he gifted me was scattered across the floor mixed with the dirt and green leaves. “No!” I screamed in horror at the realisation that i had just broken the last physical living thing I had from him. I ran across the room in order to aid the plant, but I foolishly tripped again and fell atop the broken, ceramic pot. “Agh!” i screamed in agony as I felt the pieces slice through my body.

My door flew open and in the doorway stood two of my members. I guess they were back from the store already.

“Minji! My baby!” I heard Bom scream in panic. Soon I felt her embrace me on the floor trying her hardest to move me from the broken pieces. “What’s going on?” I heard her voice shake. She was crying. She ran her hands through my hair as she cradled me in her arms while I sobbed like a mad woman into her shoulder. “Chaerin, call for help. Hurry.” she commanded the leader. “Oh, gosh. What’s wrong my maknae?” I heard her mumble into my hair.

“I’m not okay unnie. It hurts so much.” I cried clutching my chest. She wiped my tears as best she could, but stopped as soon as she realized they weren’t going to stop. I was exhausted from everything that had happened, and I soon felt my body growing limp. I’m sure the loss of blood wasn’t helping my case either. Before I knew it everything went black.

♚♚♚

“Do you plan on getting hospitalized everyday?!” Sajangnim scolded the moment I awoke. I was tucked into my bed. I wasn’t in the mood to be scolded, so I simply looked out the window. “This behavior stops now!”

“Sir. I don’t think this is the right time to scold her.” Bom said.

“How are you feeling honey?” Dara asked tentatively. Horrible. Broken. Despicable. Hurt.

“Bring him in.” Sajangnim “This is your new personal manager. He will accompany you everywhere, and make sure you don’t make anymore stupid decisions! Come in Come in.”

"I don't need a babysitter."

"I'm not the babysitting type, but you just seem like a child in need of attention." A deep husky voice mocked me.

"Meet your new manager Minzy, Kim Jongin."