Yoongi didn’t remember much from their first kiss, but there were a few factors that were left engraved in his mind. He wasn’t thinking straight and a part of him had no idea what was going on, but bodies are stupid, messy things that sometimes do whatever they want, including surprising kisses in the middle of one of the busiest streets. But at that moment the surrounding them world completely disappeared for a few seconds and it was as if they were the only two people there.

It all happened way too sudden, too spontaneous and their noses slightly brushed before the contact, but Yoongi subconsciously moved his hand to Jimin’s chin and gently tilted his head so their lips properly meet. Jimin’s lips were cold, but surprisingly soft with no traces of chapping. Yoongi’s heart was racing impossibly fast and he felt like his insides were burning. Jimin’s tear-stained face was what made him want to show him that he was there for him and maybe his body had decided that a kiss was the most convincing way. Yoongi had his eyes closed the entire time, his lips moved in synch with the others for a second or two more and he pulled away.

He had no explanation for the questioning and shocked expression he was met with when he finally opened his eyes, nor to his own questions that were rushing in his head, but he didn’t have much time to think about them either. Some of the crowd around them started cheering, but some of it started making displeased noises and somehow Jimin was the one to recover from the sudden act first. He grabbed Yoongi’s hand and started running to a more private and less crowded space. When they reached a near park that was almost completely empty Jimin stopped, but still had his back facing the older. His knees felt weak and he felt drained out of his strength, there were so many questions and so many thoughts occupying his mind that he felt he couldn’t face Yoongi properly.

“I’m sorry… I really don’t know why I did that…” Yoongi started off, his voice sounded panicky and apologetic. “I saw that you were crying and my body acted instinctively I’m really sorry…” he kept on saying and apologizing in between, his voice gradually becoming quieter and quieter, as if he really couldn’t find any words to express what had just happened.

Jimin wanted to believe that the kiss wasn’t a mistake, that it wasn’t an act of pity, but the way Yoongi was apologizing about it implied otherwise. His chest was beginning to feel tighter and tighter, he felt the corner of his eyes starting to get wet again with the traitor tears he had no control of. He wanted to ask the question, he also wanted to make Yoongi stop apologizing, but he knew that the second he turned around he would be met with an apology that had an ‘it was a mistake’ attached to it.

“Stop apologizing.” Jimin turned around after wiping his eyes, so he wasn’t looking as vulnerable as before and did his best to smile as wide as he could. He was scared. He didn’t want to hear it. “Hyung, do you like me?”

“Jimin I’m really sorry for what I did I know I shouldn’t have acted like it and…“ He bit his lips and closed his eyes, unable to continue.

The past Yoongi might have found the right words easier, but Jimin could see that current Yoongi, the shy and uptight, occasionally awkward Yoongi really didn’t know what to do, but he was too good to leave Jimin be. He knew it was all an act of pity.

“So you don’t?” Jimin used the last bits of his strength and mental power to make himself ask the question, the answer of which he dreaded hearing. He closed his eyes as he couldn’t bare looking at the confusion spreading on Yoongi’s face.

“What…? Jimin you’re my friend-“

Jimin’s fist curled in a ball and he dig his nails in his palms. A bigger pain could subdue another, right?

“Because I do. I like you hyung, I like you more than just a friend, I like you in a way that makes my hurt beat faster every time I see you, in a way that selfishly wants you only to myself. Why did you kiss me hyung? Am I that pitiful?”

Jimin was trying his best to smile, but he really couldn’t be sure if he actually was. Yoongi was speechless, he didn’t even deny or agree.

“It’s not like this, it wasn’t out of pity… it was because… I-“

“It’s okay hyung. Please stop apologizing now.” Jimin said and his voice was strained and groggy, almost completely gone. He rubbed his eyes with the end of his sleeves and took a few steps back.

“Yoongi-hyung tonight was really amazing, I feel like I was the one who received a Christmas miracle and not the other way around. But for some reason my chest really hurts. It hurts hyung.” He tried laughing it out, as if it was something casual, but the way his face twisted when he was saying that made Yoongi take a few steps towards him, but the younger raised his hand to stop him. “I’m going to go now. Thank you hyung.” The younger hastily said and turned around so quickly Yoongi couldn’t even see when he started running, slowly disappearing from his sight.

Yoongi felt numb and genuinely lost. He didn’t want this, his intentions never were to hurt Jimin or make him feel as if he was an object of pity. Yoongi knew how pity felt and it was never good. He tried screaming after the retreating figure, but nothing came out of his throat no noise, no scream, no anything. He reached out his hand, but Jimin didn’t stop or turn around. He wanted to run too, he wanted to catch up with him… but tell him what? Did he like him back? Could he say with a straight face that he liked him the same way? Jimin was his friend, his partner, someone who could understand his passion for photography. They’ve known each other for 10 months, they’ve been close ever since, but did that mean that Yoongi saw him in a different way? He didn’t know.

Yoongi lifelessly walked out of the park and took a taxi to his dorms. It was like his body was moving by itself while his brain had shut down. Somehow he felt this sharp pain in his chest too. It wasn’t the first time Yoongi had hurt somebody, it definitely wasn’t the first time he had made someone suffer, but he never once imagined that that next someone would be Jimin. The Jimin that dragged him to his apartment only on their second meeting just because his heart had told him that Yoongi was worth it. The witty, yet ever so cheerful Jimin that was always the one the pull Yoongi out of his box and make him see the world around. The Jimin that was smarter than any of the people he had have the chance to know, but still forgets to check the forecast before an important trip. And then a question popped up in his mind. ‘Since when is Jimin such a big part of my life?’

He asked himself if he could continue living without him, if he could try and lead his life knowing that he won’t be able to see Jimin’s gummy smile and his ridiculous ideas. He couldn’t. Yoongi needed Jimin just as much as he needed his camera, the two things that supported him and gave him a reason to live.

Yoongi sat outside his room, remembering that Namjoon asked him not to come back tonight. It was cold, the ground made him shiver in no minutes, but his best friend had done so much for him he could endure another few hours. His temples were pulsating and he felt like he had stopped thinking about everything and his brain was only focusing on the cold, as if it was trying to alert Yoongi to get up before he freezes to death. But it felt nice, not to be able to think about anything. He buried his face deeper in his scarf and closed his eyes. Images of him and Jimin taking pictures, playing with Santa and the little angels, the tons of candy they gave them and the smiling faces they received immediately started appearing. Then fireworks lit the space again and he felt his eyelids too heavy to open and shake the image off.

Click.

“You idiot.” Namjoon almost yelled, risking to have another students scold him for being so loud at almost 1am. He squatted down and threw Yoongi’s arm around his shoulder. “What were you waiting for? To freeze to death? Do you understand how cold you are…” Namjoon scolded a bit quieter and let the half-asleep, half-passed out Yoongi inside.

“It was your night…I didn’t want to ruin it for you…” He said weakly after sitting down on the couch, allowing the warmness to spread around his body.

“You think I would choose one date over your safety? You don’t know me at all Min Yoongi.” He said and used all of his strength to sound angry at the irrational behavior of his friend, but his worry took over him. “You could’ve fallen asleep there, you could’ve-“

“I’m okay. It’s okay now.” Yoongi said and smiled as much as he could, but his eyes were closed.

“What happened?”

“I made him cry hyung…”

“Who? Jimin?”

“I kissed him.”

Namjoon only stared in disbelief at his friend and furrowed his eyebrows, as that was the last explanation he expected.

“He cried because…you kissed him? But why did you kiss him?”

“We were looking for a place to eat, but there was a firework event down in Gangnam that caught us off guard. He was about to say something, but he couldn’t and I just focused on the sky. The second I averted my eyes from it I saw him crying and my body instinctively reacted and… I didn’t mean to kiss him. That must’ve brought him so many memories from the past. But then he said he liked me? I couldn’t say that I like him, so my kiss was probably times more hurtful than I could imagine. I don’t know what to do.” Yoongi threaded his hand in his hair in frustration. He was just as equally as confused as Namjoon was.

“Do you like him?” the older’s voice was firm and straightforward, as if he wasn’t surprised by Yoongi’s words.

“He’s a guy and he’s my friend…I can’t like him.”

“If you don’t then there’s nothing you can do about it. Give Jimin some time to collect himself and deal with his feelings, but don’t abandon him. It’s still Jimin and he’s still the same person as before. You can’t force yourself to like him, but don’t just push him aside. Don’t forget that, he probably needs you the most right now, but you’re also the person who will hurt him the most. Give him a day or two, but talk to him, spill out all of your feelings and make him understand.” Namjoon said just as seriously as before.

Yoongi fell asleep, but the uncomfortable and sharp pain never left his chest. His heart was hurting, though he didn’t know.

--

Jimin didn’t pick up his phone for almost a week and voicemail was the only thing that got through. It all reminded Yoongi of the way Jimin was in the past and he was impossibly scared that he might hurt himself again. He never came to “Heaven”, not even on New Years Eve.  Yoongi was really starting to get frustrated, because the more time it passed the more the situation was looking more and more ridiculous to him. Jimin wasn’t acting like himself, but the older didn’t intend to give up anytime soon. He wasn’t going to act like Kibum and leave.

--

On the 3^rd January “Heaven” was opened again, but as much as Yoongi anticipated his work it felt different. He knew that Jimin who would usually bother him non-stop or take pictures of him in his grey apron and use it for blackmail later won’t be coming today. It felt empty and unwelcoming and Yoongi soon felt like he was suffocating. Even the sky was acting up as the unusual for January rain was threatening to fall. He decided to call Hoseok and consult with him.

“Hey.” Hoseok said faintly, but his usual enthusiasm wasn’t present and there was some kind of compassion in his eyes that was unknown to Yoongi.

“Is… is he okay? He won’t pick up his phone or mails… Is he safe?”

“He’s holding in. He doesn’t talk to me much either, but I figured something had happened between you two. I really like you Yoongi and I don’t want to take sides, but does his state have to do anything with you?” Hoseok asked calmly, with no sound of accusation in his voice.

“It’s all my fault hyung… I don’t know what to do.” Yoongi breathed out and felt guilt overwhelming him.

“Did he confess?”

“How do you know?”

“Ah, so that’s what is it. Truth is, we kind of gave him the idea, me and Taehyung. I can figure out your answer by his behavior.” Hoseok smiled a little to lighten up to mood, though it seemed like it wasn’t working even for him, but he still didn’t sound accusing. “Don’t be too mad at him Yoongi, you yourself already know why is that such a big deal to him. Give him some time and he’ll be back to normal, it always happens like this. Just trust him.” The older concluded and squeezed Yoongi’s hand to show him that it wasn’t his fault.

“Why aren’t you mad at me? Why isn’t anyone mad at me when I promised to never hurt him, yet all I did was be the reason of his tears. What should I do hyung?” Yoongi pleaded and Hoseok was really surprised to see that kind of side of him. The usual emotionless Yoongi was replaced by someone who deeply cared.

“What does your brain tell you to do? Heck, just do whatever first comes to your mind. Don’t overthink it, but follow your instincts, your emotions. Allow yourself to feel Yoongi, don’t be scared of confronting your own feelings. You actually know what you want to do, right? You don’t need mine or anyone else’s permission. Go see him. But if you end up hurting him again I won’t stay still. I promise to not let you hurt him again.”

Yoongi found enough comfort in Hoseok’s supporting smile and his thoughts finally cleared up a little. The rest of the day passed quickly, customers occupied his mind until almost the end of his shift.

--

When Yoongi rang the doorbell he was sure he would be met with nothing. But just a few seconds later he was met with a face he had longed to see for the past two weeks.

A/N more of a fill-in chapter for the one that is about to come... though I haven't written a single sentece of it, i'm going to try and make it more interesting, as i was really focusing on only just feelings here ;; The end is approaching, probably two or three more chapters ;u;

Thank you for reading ♥ (even though it was a lot more boring than the previous one, but I felt like I needed to write a slower, more feelings connected chapter... for reasons)