*

I’m full of regret; I made a lot of mistakes
Give me a chance, forgive me just this once
I don’t know why one day without you is so lonely
Extend the final breathe of my broken heart

Are we strangers now? Are we really over?
I hang around your house like a habit, but if I see you
Afraid we’ll grow more distant, afraid you’ll dislike me more
Reluctantly I watch you walk away and cry

Please just consider my broken heart once trust me
Let me make you smile once
I’ll make you happy I’ll swear it I’ll promise it
I love you forever as though we’ve never said goodbye

My broken heart cries

*

"Why did you come?"

He looked away the instance he took glimpse of me that was barely than half a second. As much as it broke my heart, wasn't that kind of treatment what I wanted? What I asked for?

"S...Seungjae oppa..." Why did my voice trembled at that moment? I didn't come to stutter, I came here to achieve something, not this. 

"What do you want?!" He snapped before I could form any coherent explanation to be presented to him.

I didn't even know the real concrete reason I came to visit his place. I didn't want to go home. I wasn't ready to be home. And somehow, when I blurted that I want to see Seungjae oppa, Siwan agreed that we could drop by his parents' house first, since he had been staying with family again and no longer with Kihyun oppa ever since the depression and nightmares he contracted after Joohyun's death.

Why did I even want to see him when I'm the person he dreaded to see the most?

"Oppa, I'm sorry..."

"Why, what are you sorry for?" He coldly answered without even facing me.

"Seungjae hyung, Hyesung hyung is dead."

"What?" He finally spoke again after blinking a few times as his eyes grew larger and scarier, this time, looking at me.

"Haven't you done enough?" It was directed at me, those words.

"First, Joohyun...now...Hyesung hyung...really..." He suddenly scoffed. Why? Why was Seungjae oppa being so cold and sarcastic and his strange remarks...did he know something? Did the Devil come to him and tell him everything I did? No...I didn't do anything. He did it all. The Devil did.

"Yah, hyung...stop it."

"Why? So that she can kill me now? After what she did to Joohyun and Hyesung hyung?"

"Yah, you're too much. What did Hyeonrin do? You're the one who left Joohyun until she got so depressed and committed suicide...why are you blaming Hyeonrin?!" Siwan sounded so upset. He's not one to raise his voice to anyone but me, but today, he spoke so rudely to Seungjae oppa. He must be very angry. But I couldn't really see his expression. I couldn't see what he did. Or how hurt Seungjae oppa must've been to heard those harsh words. My vision was blurred by tears. 

He was right. Absolutely right. I was the one who caused their deaths. I don't want to care how he found it out anymore. But he had no idea what I would give to bring them back to life. But is that even possible? If we can bring the deads to life, I'd have brought omma and appa and everyone's loved ones, and nothing bad would've happened. Everyone would be living in peace and happiness.

But nobody could do that.

As I tried to wipe the excessive tears blurring my eyes that finally broke and flowed down my cheeks, only did I took notice of how Siwan was already on the floor. There were some blood at the corner of his mouth.

"I didn't! I didn't kill her, okay! She killed herself. It wasn't me." Seungjae oppa's voice broke and he slumped down right in front of me, gripping and tearing his hair, crying and shouting. What just happened? His mother and father came out almost instantly and only after his mother apologized and bowed at us and took him inside, did I realize Siwan was still on the floor. I helped him up.

"Please forgive Seungjae. He's been like this ever since Joohyun died. He's blaming everyone else, but he's just trying to wear off the guilt from himself, because he broke up with her right before she jumped down. It was his fault, he knew it. But it's not like matters of life and death could be changed. It was her time. Even if it wasn't for him, she would still die one way or the other. That's life." Ahjussi sounded so calm. So, so calm. He reminded me of Appa, and Hyesung oppa. What Seungjae oppa's appa said was true. I remember Appa saying the same thing to Hyesung oppa when Omma died, even though I didn't recall that much, I remembered everyone but Hyesung oppa cried. And Appa just let everyone be, but hugged and coaxed Hyesung oppa. Appa told me, those who don't cry are the ones who suffered the most. But they suffered because they wanted to be strong for others. It was right then, that I wanted to be like Hyesung oppa. I never managed because I cry too easily. Even now, the brother I loved more than anything and looked up to, died, person I grew up adoring in my stupid crush were suffering, my best friend was punched and bleeding because he believed in my innocence when what Seungjae oppa said indeed carried more truths than he'd ever thought. And all I could do, was to cry. I'm not strong. The opposite, in fact.

Even when Ahjussi delivered such comforting speech, it didn't manage to make me feel better at all, in fact, I choked even more in suppressed tears at all the guilt. If I could I want to...no, even to wish made me so scared now. I couldn't even afford that. Eunji unnie died becuase of my wish, so did Joohyun. I stared at my hands. How do I hate them, the hands that look clean, and really, clean on the surface, but were responsible for so many evil doing already.

"You're Hyeonrin, right?" I felt my shoulder squeezed lightly. I gave a small nod, worried of what Seungjae oppa might have revealed to his parents about me.

"Don't take his words to heart. And please forgive Seungjae. He's having a really difficult time."

Words got stuck in my throat. How was I to explain to him that Seungjae oppa said the truth about myself?

"Son, let's go inside to apply medicine."

I glanced towards Siwan and he returned the glance.

"It's okay, Ahjussi. We've to go home. It's getting late."

The ahjussi nodded in understanding.

"By the way, I'm sorry to hear about your brother, don't think too much of it. Life and death is God's work...it's beyond our control." He smiled, a tired smile.

We walked home in silence. I didn't expect to return home feeling worse than before going there. I went there because I wanted to apologize to Seungjae oppa. I thought it would make me feel better, maybe he would comfort me of my own loss, maybe he would understand that he's not alone dealing with losing loved one, maybe he wouldn't be blaming me anymore, but obviously I was wrong. I wasn't even prepared for what came up. And the way everyone treated me so kindly made it hurt all the more. They died because of me. They suffered because of me. I knew it, my head felt empty yet my chest was in great pain.

"Hyeonrin, you okay?"

I nodded mindlessly. "I'm sorry, Siwan." My own voice sounded so far away.

"Yah, for what?"

"Your face..."

"Duh...it's not you who punched me."

I sighed, maybe louder than I should, as he suddenly stopped me.

"Listen, you heard what Ahjussi said just now, right? You had nothing to do with her death, or even Hyesung hyung's or his wife. This is all God's work. Don't let ridiculous nightmares of some crazy dude make you feel responsible for things you had nothing to do with."

If only you know...it's not even God's doing...it's the Devil.

"I know my little Hyeonrin is a good person, and I'll fight for her no matter what. What I got today is nothing okay." He pointed to the red mark where it had started to swell a