Eun Hye woke up to the sound of more footsteps coming down the stairs. When she turned her head to look, she saw Seungri and Ban Seok. As quickly as she could, she tried to get out of Top’s arms before they could see, but with sleep came Top’s death grip. So Eun Hye succumbed to being found in the position that they were in. When Seungri discovered them, he began to beam. Ban Seok looked a little confused, but quickly brushed it aside. Top grumbled and awoke to the party of three.

Seungri was the first to speak, “Did you guys have fun last night?”

Top responded, “Sure did. Apparently, Eun Hye had way too much fun, got exhausted, and fell asleep. Since I had to take care of her, now I’m exhausted.”

Seungri turned to Eun Hye and said, “You guys are so cute.”

Top quickly hushed Seungri by saying, “ Take her away Ban Seok, so I can get some rest.”

Eun Hye, more than happy to escape, got up from the couch and swiftly walked up the steps, out of the door, and waited for Ban Seok by the car.

The car ride home had been quiet until the silence was broken when Ban Seok said, “Noona I think it’s time that you start dating again.”

Ban Seok turned to Eun Hye, but Eun Hye did not look back. Nevertheless Ban Seok continued, “It’s time for you to move on. You are getting older and all of your friends are starting to get married. I don’t want you to be lonely. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who likes you and treats you well. Do what’s best for you instead of thinking about other people and what other people will think. I want you to be happy”

With that, the car stopped at the gate to Eun Hye’s garage. While Ban Seok was punching in the code, Eun Hye began, “I don’t want to be lonely either. However, starting a relationship with someone who is famous only creates unhappiness. I’ve done it before and I know the consequences.”

As Eun Hye was exiting the car, Ban Seok said, “Well, at least have fun.”

Eun Hye looked back at Ban Seok and said, “I already did.”

Ban Seok shook his head and drove off.

When Eun Hye reached her room, she jumped on the bed and opened the little book where she keeps her thoughts. 

You would think that at this point in my career I could go public with a relationship, but I have way too many antis. This would only add to their arsenal, and make their ranks bigger. That is part of the reason I am so confused. I just wanted to meet someone, get married, and have a nice private life full of love, but at the same time continue to work and not be judged by who I date. Seung Hyun was a surprise. A few weeks ago he was just another one of my brother’s friends.

I am not even sure when I started liking Seung Hyun, but now that I realize that I do, I am not sure what to do. There are too many what ifs: what if we get caught; what if YG doesn’t like it; what if his fans hate me; what if people won’t take me seriously; what if my career gets ruined; what if he is just toying with me; and what if he breaks my heart. I don’t want my heart to get broken, so I just want to keep my distance. I don’t want to get too close to him or else he will know my true feelings and then everything I worked so hard for could be lost.

But, I like Top. He takes really good care of me, makes me feel safe, he makes me feel as if he is someone that I can depend on, and he puts me first. I am not sure if anyone has ever made me feel like I am his first priority, it touches me in a way that slows down the pace of my heart and puts me at ease. It’s more like I am people’s first priority only when I can help them reach their goals. Instead, I feel like Top slows down to meet me.

I knew it as he watched all the others go to the next stop that night, but he stayed downstairs dancing with me. Then, when he said, “You can have me.” I became elated. I knew that he was saying that he was just for me. All I’ve ever wanted was for someone to be just for me. Even though in that moment, I realized that realistically he could never be just for me, I wanted to believe. So later that night when he kissed me good night on the forehead, I kissed him back on the lips. The way he kissed me back confirmed that my gaydar was incorrect. I liked the way his lips tasted so I kissed him again and he responded stronger than before. It all became too much, I got scared about where this relationship was going and what was going to happen next. I abruptly stopped kissing him, turned my body to face the other way and whispered “good night.”

 He wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “good night.”

I got goodsbumps, which I know he could feel, and spent the next couple hours acting like a dead fish, while I felt him drifting to sleep with the slowing pace of his breath on my neck. When I woke up in the middle of the night with him lying next to me, I remembered how great it was to not wake up alone. Although, seconds later, I remembered how unhappy I become when I expect someone to be there and he’s not.