Morning came, she was greeted by a sweet fragrant smell from the outside. holding her head, she went to check. there she saw him donned in an apron over his casual outfit and his spectacles, facing intensely at the frying pan sizzling with an egg. with his back facing her, he did not realise her presence. She clenched on her dress as she fight back her overwhelming emotion of gratitude and feelings of security. but that instance, alot of memories came back to her, especially those times where he will always stand in front to protect her from harm when no one else is. she's the only child but it didnt feel so cause she never felt lonely with a friend like him who can always be counted on. The feeling of apologia rush through her veins as she knew her unwillingness to share her problems this time has frustrate him a little too much but she was persistent to keep it to herself though the more kind he was, the more tempting it is to rely on him and let it all out.

He turned around when he was ready to serve the sunny side up covered by a piece of chicken ham and toast. when he saw her, he was first surprised then gave her a calm, less affectionate smile that hinted to her his intolerance from yesterday's clash.

"The breakfast is for you. have it while it's hot" he said while he served a cup of orange juice, without looking into her eyes.

"I have training today so do whatever you want in my house, as long as you dont leave" he announced as soon as he motioned himself towards the outside of the kitchen while removing his apron. Only when she stopped him at the narrow door, with her hand slipping into his, holding him back in a sudden gesture, that he finally looked at her, eye to eye.

"...what's wrong?" he asked with full of worries, especially when she just looked at him without saying a word or letting go of her hands. it was only after he asked, she finally responded but softly "I'm sorry about yesterday... please don't get angry with me."

He felt so heavy, he couldn't breathe. what she said made him feel even more guilty but he least imagined her grabbing his hand so tightly as though he's leaving for good.

"you shouldn't be apologizing. I'm at fault. I'm not angry with you, and I hope you're not angry with me too. anyway, it's your life, if you really don't wanna have the medicine, then don't eat it. you have the right of choice," he thought what he said would release her tension and eventually loosen her grip but it remained firm. when she finally responded, his mind froze.

"... I'll eat the medicine, Ryosuke."

He smiled with relief that she acceded though he hoped he didn't push her too hard on the request. he could only give her a moral encouragement that simply did not turned out as plan "thank you Umika. I will come back as soon as my training is over, but if it's not by dinner time, please go ahead without me." he took her hands off then proceeded outdoors with the door closed between them. it was an outright escape with a tint of frustration lashed on her cause he could no longer tolerate the secrecy that she's so stubbornly withstanding by herself. the longer she keeps it within herself, the more he finds himself worthless in her heart and helpless in his capacity.

His mood has gone downhill after seemingly feeling that everything she does was to accommodate him, including the medicine. he held a personal conviction that she didnt eat it willingly. During the training, he didnt talk to anyone, he isolate himself in one corner during every intermission, unwilling to join the rest in the nonsensical conversations. when he shut his eyes for a momentary rest, he heard the discussion beside him that didnt come timely.

"have you all started looking at the new choreography for the new song? I haven't looked at it yet," Chinen commented.

"ah yeah. but the positioning hasn't been communicated yet. sensei wants us to memorise the steps first," Keito explained.

"... the positioning wouldnt be much different, ne (haha) surely Yamada-kun will be in the middle," Yuto light heartedly commented, but when Ryosuke heard it, he couldn't hold onto his anger. Chinen and Keito were both hoping Ryosuke didn't hear it, but unfortunately he did.

Ryosuke stood up abruptly and rebutted with anger in his tone "how many times must i say, it's not my decision on where I stand! if all of you guys wanna stand in front, fine with me!!! I will fight with sensei to stand at the back alright! even if I don't have a place at all, it's fine! I'll stand outside the screen!"

"Y-Yamada... I'm just kidding," Yuto went closer and pat his shoulder, but he harshly pushed him away and turned to his back and took several deep breathes.

"Yamada... don't be overly temperamental. Yuto is just kidding" Yabu came forward and remarked with Hikaru and Yuya gradually signaling to the leader that there's more than meet the eyes, instead of just a temperamental Ryosuke. When Yabu realised he was too harsh, it was too late, Ryosuke took his belongings and looked at his team mates, giving them a apologetic bow "minna, Gomenasai. I guess I shouldn't be here today, I'll only ruin everyone else's mood so I'll absent myself today. I'll do a make up practice. again, Gomenasai.."

"Ryosuke..." Chinen called, running after him along with Keito and Daiki.

"I'm okay minna. help me apologise to Yuto. I didnt mean to yell at him."

"we will. but you are obviously troubled by something and we want to help you too," Chinen added.

"I don't need the help. stop helping me cause I don't need it. she needs it, but I can't do anything about it. so please leave me alone. sorry and thanks" Ryosuke ran before they could respond. they knew he needed time alone so they didnt go after.

"lets go back first, okay? I think he needs some time himself. he really look tired" Daiki guided the 2 younger members but deep down, he knew he had to do something.

Yuto became so distracted at his practice, overwhelmed by the guilt at causing the whole episode even though Daiki explained that it wasn't his fault. nevertheless, the words he uttered did probe into a sensitive area, so Yuto couldn't forgive himself for saying all those irresponsible words. Yuto made his way to Ryosuke's house and rang the doorbell, only to see someone else by the door after a delayed time.

"Umika? you're here!" he was alarmed. she don't know if Yuto was told about her condition and why she's at his house but she decided to pretend she didnt know anything.

"I'm picking up something from his house... what's up?" she uttered brightly, vastly different from previous days.

"did you see Ryosuke just now?"

Umika shook her head and was beginning to get worried what has happened to him. Nevertheless, she patiently awaited his follow-up.

"Ryosuke fell out with me just now over a misunderstanding... it wasn't intentional but he was so angry that he just left the training... I thought he'll go home, but he's not at either of his houses. he's not with his sisters either..."

"what exactly happened Yuto?" she asked worriedly. Yuto recounted the clash, and that did not fully gave her a clue why  he was so sensitive towards Yuto's words, it just didnt feel like something Ryosuke would do.

Yuto left shortly after not getting an answer, leaving her brooding over where he was. Yet she never gathered enough guts to make the call or even a simple message. there was something pricking her heart and it never stopped hurting her more than the other issues she's hiding. she forced herself not to rely on him, and it wasn't for no reason cause to fight the temptation to lean on him only got worst.

if he hasnt realised, she wasnt only cooped up in her room when he's out, instead She went to his room, and snuggled herself into his bed, filled with his charming scent that calmed her nerves and reduced the urge to see him. she did the same today. She found a photo album beside his bed. she guessed he was looking at it last night since it wasn't there when she was in his room yesterday afternoon.

she has always known Ryosuke as a sentimental guy but never knew he has the habit of keeping a physical album. she did not know what to expect when she flipped the pages but the content most certainly let her wavered terribly. Each photo captured his memories from a toddler and she was surprised to see herself in more than half of them. it reminded her how integral he has been in her life and how that there was so many memories they shared she took for granted. it's not that she or he didnt know of each other's importance but either one was afraid to face it because of the fear of disrupting this status quo which has kept them together in the first place.

Photo of her pulling his sleeves as they made their way to preschool and those adorable interactions that make you go aw... then there were photos of junior high where they found other friends to accompany but still made sure they had time for each other. he entered johnny's and there she became his confidant when things become rocky. she was certain then that she was needed despite the time they spent together becoming lesser. she saw his ups and downs and she would think he only reveal to her. then come high school where she felt things that she was once confident about has become less certain. one of these is their friendship. he convinced her to join Horikoshi  and there he had simply too many friends around who could relate to him better. she felt the distance grew and that triggered another urge to deepen the relationship  to bridge the gap. things evidently got worst when they tried to grasp everything within control and now it has become such a mess that she has concluded the tangling relationship herself. She saw the happy faces of theirs all over the album and how as time past, more people are included in the group photos. Tears trickled down her cheek as she reminisced the past and when she got enough of it, she placed back the album and dashed out of his room to hers, letting out her cries terribly.

She didnt realise she has fallen asleep until she was awakened by noises from the outside. She stepped out of her room and realised the sky was already dark and she has missed both lunch and dinner. she saw the toilet was lighted up and the shower was on. the table outside the toilet caught her attention as a certain object was vibrating loudly. She went forward and saw it was Ryosuke's phone, ringing... and the caller was... Kawaguchi Haruna. Not only was herself no longer his first confidant, she has lost that position entirely to his new girlfriend who could give him happiness instead of worrying him like she did. it reminded her just that, enough to make her freeze on the spot with trembling limbs, outside the toilet... she had a new conviction... a conviction that would undoubtedly risk everything she ever wanted to protect.

Wearing a black tank top and bermuda with his hair damped slightly and his specs replacing the contact lens, he stepped out from his shower shocked to see her standing before him with unwavering glance.

"Umika? you've woken up..." he said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say at this instance. But that awkwardness didnt take long as the next instance caught him by surprise when the gap between them was closed. Without warning, she slipped her arms around his torso and leaned on his warm chest with tears warming her eyes but her lips curled in a smile as she immerse herself in his delayed secured arms that circled her body and his hand that firmly held her head close to him.

her conviction was not to lose him.

By the time they reconcile what has happened, they were already seated seemingly peacefully beside each other with their shoulders side by side. their skins touched each other, adding that spark of warmth that subtly made her nervous.

"I'll tell you..." she finally decided so and he returned a look of surprise then concern. he patiently waited and masked his impatience so she wouldn't decide to withdraw her decision.

"my parents were not able to adapt to the work there and did not understand the businesses operation well enough to make investments, so they pumped their money in one wrong investment. the investments caused the company to lose a large sum and they were ordered to return the money. it was a few millions. there was no way they could pay back. in order to pay back the sum, even lodging and food became an issue. they didnt want me to be a burden, they don't want me to suffer with them so they used that little money they have left to send me back to Japan...they told me to look for ..."

"look for who?" he asked impatiently. but when he saw her hesitation and knew who it was she's implying.

"me, they told you to look for me. right?"

"that's not important" she insisted

"what do you mean it's not important?! even they know you need me."

"I don't need any particular person! there are other person who needs you and are you gonna help every one of them. Ryosuke~"

"I don't want to fight with you over this. so your plan was to start from scratch, work in a promiscuous place and earned the rent for that apartment which you struggled to afford and eventually lost it? I say that plan of yours failed terribly."

"it did fail and I failed too Ryosuke!" she said it with intense emotions awaited to explode under his merciless pressure.

"then it's time to do what your parents instructed isnt it. I already said it's okay and between us there's nothing to feel sorry about"

"who am I to you Ryosuke. I'm nothing... I'm nothing after all that happened. I owe you that period when you are immobile. I owe you so much!"

"If that incident ever happen again, I would do the same. you're more than nothing, much more than nothing. I wouldn't doubt myself that the answer would not change over time cause it did not. and our relationship now maybe blurry, but regardless if you're now a former neighbour, a former girlfriend or classmate, we can figure out later cause you are always more than just a friend for me. we grew up together, we were always by each other's  side when bad things happen and during those times, it never once bothered us what sort of relationship we have right~ so there's no need to fuss over it now."

"why can't you understand Ryosuke... you don't understand how uneasy I feel! the moment I tell you all these, our relationship is probably worst than nothing."

"why?! it's the umpteenth time Im telling you it's okay to rely on me. I know you're stubborn and you don't wanna depend on others, but this time is different. see how you struggled when you are alone."

"You dare tell me you're not pitying me?! can you tell me in my face that you don't find me the least bit burdensome and you hope things can change back to the days we are more carefree!"

Ryosuke stared at her blankly, unable to make an immediate reply cause there's simply no answer in his mind. he refused to admit her accusations but he himself ain't sure if she has accurately pointed out what he didnt realise.

"in any case... I've told you what you wanted so much to find out. you don't have to worry for me and definitely not to the extent that you jeopardize your relationship with your other friends...." she stepped out of her bed and motioned towards the door, but he grabbed her arm as she did. she didnt turn to look through his eyes, but she could sense his sincerity when he said "let me help. and give me some time, I'll figure out how we can go back to how things were before. please..." she didnt reply. however when he hear no reply and asked subsequently if they were still friends, she nodded subtly then gently withdrew her arm and exited the room with a heavy heart.

Ryosuke collapsed on his bed and stared at the blank celling, pondering over and over the unfortunate events she had to face. He realised the meaning of everything she has been avoiding and that is how their differences are widening just like their distance too. if they can't go back to the way things were, then he could only fear that everything about this friendship and her will all come to an end. He closed his eyes, shutting his mind and heart as he sourced a solution to all the endless problems.

Perhaps, there's only one for now. to do what he can to put things back to its original state. without love, only binding friendship that's as pure as it can get. back to the beginning, when nothing else could waver their friendship.

the question is, how can he do it with his heart still unsure of his feelings.

****

"Ohayou!!!" Ryosuke greeted enthusiastically when Umika walked out of the toilet. he laid out the breakfast table and started digging in without his usual overtly courteous mannerisms. Umika stood and stared blankly as she didnt know how she should react after what happened yesterday. knowing she didnt get the cue, he made it more obvious this time "what are you waiting for? dig in before I eat them all." he said with his mouth half full.

She finally understood his intentions of starting over and played along even though her heart couldn't immediately absorb the real meaning of this. Ryosuke is back as her best friend, nothing more, nothing less. if that's the status quo he has decided on, she believed it's the best for them both. careful of what you ask for or wish for, cause it may come back to haunt you. she understood what it means for the first time.

"Ne, Umika. I'll be away from Tokyo for about 2 weeks to a month. will be heading to Osaka for a performance with Arashi, then head for filming for 24hr TV special. make this your home for the time being, but don't wreck my house." he acted like it was nothing and that made her slightly frustrated. no, in actual fact, her heart sank when she heard his plans. it sounded real, as in it didnt feel like he made it up to avoid her since she felt that her situation would probably have scared him away yesterday. so she asked "when are you leaving?"

"might be tonight. some juniors needed consultation in the afternoon and I've promised them. right after I'll head back my family house to grab some stuff before heading to Tokyo station"

"so... you won't be coming back after this meal?..." she felt a lump in , and it became apparent to him that she's affected by it.

lifting the mood he said, "nande... of course I'm coming back, not today but a month later once I'm done with work. please take care of my house and water my plants. oh and I can't stand dust, dirt and rubbish, so clean when necessary ne" he nagged.

"... I'm not your maid," she whined quietly. he was truly glad that she reacted this way cause that was more like the girl he knew his whole life than days ago.

but regardless how he acted as if he didnt care, when he walked past her to grab his bag of belongings, suited up in a biker jacket and jeans on top of his v neck white tee, he couldn't help but say, "if there's anything, call me alright. I will respond when I can. no need to worry about interrupting my work. can you promise me that?" that goes contrary to his earlier casual words but it's a point he definitely has to put across. she nodded with a heavy heart as she watched him exit the house, leaving the empty four walls all to her. Perhaps the immediate stillness of the air made her hunger more prominent, she dragged her feet to the fridge and when she opened it, she was in shock. she remembered yesterday the fridge was an almost empty one, but before her eyes now was a fully filled container of food. there's ready cooked ones like pasta salad, soba, and many other frozen delicacies. he wouldn't have prepared it for himself since he's gonna be away for a month. and a smiley face stuck on the fridge ascertain the reason. he must have stayed up yesterday to cook up this sumptous dishes to last her a month. Tears welled in her eyes but she hasn't gotten the chance to cry when she saw a note right beside the fridge. it was a short one, with his handwriting and that alone conveyed a temporary resolution.

"Umika, I know our relationship is blurry now and I know we can't completely return to what it had been, but i still mean what I said yesterday. you're my best friend, and that I'm certain. nothing goes below this threshold. this month while I'm away, there'll be ample space for us to think about moving forward."

she sighed and frowned, speechless cause no one, even him could understand the problems within. She turned to her phone and saw countless messages beside his, and those are the ones evoking a love hate relationship that added to the complexities. "the month of being apart wouldn't resolve anything, Ryosuke. the only resolution is to be apart. why don't you just not care about me... you'll only get hurt if you continue so..."

****
some juniors did meet up with him to consult him on some stage tips but he knew that wouldn't take long cause the juniors were always careful not to become a nuisance to their favourite sempais. today was exactly what happened. it took only half the time and he really didnt wanna head back to his house after he promised her time out. he sat at the corner of his frequented cafe, except this time, he never asked any of his regular hangout buddy out. even this place had memories of them, he pounded on his forehead as he thought. As he did so, some girls seemed to look this way and when he realised the need to lay low, they were already approaching.

"hi... anou... are you yamada Ryosuke-san?" a group of 3 girls asked. even though he would love to say he isn't, there's no way he could say otherwise.

"yes~" he said with hesitation but still a warm smile on his face.

"can we shake your hands?" they kindly requested, and he guessed they probably knew the rules so they didnt ask anything else.

"sure" he stood up and took their hands gentlemanly one by one, and after he did so, he thought he should definitely leave this venue cause it has attracted too much unwanted attention. as he brisk walk down the moderately crowded street, he sensed a stalker. numerous times, he glimpsed over his back, but to no avail. however when opportunity comes, he never let it slip away. He hid at one corner and waited for the distracted stalker to walk past him.

"Yuto?!!" he exclaimed when he realised who it was.

"shhh..." he cupped his mouth and pulled him to a not so prominent dessert shop.

"what are you doing?" Ryosuke asked in annoyance.

"I wanted to say sorry to you." Yuto explained but the former did not accept it immediately.

"that didnt seem to be the work of someone who's sincere about apologizing cause you are just stalking me."

"I...I'm just worried about you. you weren't yourself these days and you seemed to be facing a whole lot of stress that you kept to yourself."

"... I'm sorry Yuto. I've have been really a jerk to all of you. the other day, it was my fault entirely. I'm not in the best mood and I conveniently vented it on you. so you don't need to apologise. it's me, I need to apologise. " Ryosuke felt the most immense remorse towards Yuto, especially when the latter has been quite sensitive to others. he knew his behaviour has caused discomfort to Yuto. more so when the 2 of them were once in a awkward relationship.

"I'll accept your apology and you'll accept mine. I have my wrongs too Ryosuke."

The two friends exchanged a rekindled smiles and Yuto especially felt a load of his shoulders.

"do you mind telling me what's happening to you and Umika? I went to your house yesterday and saw her. she looks like she's in a bad shape too."

looking at Yuto's persistent and sincere expression, Ryosuke finally broke loose, revealing to Yuto what she has encountered. deep down, he hoped Yuto could give him some advice.

"how much is the debt?"

"it's alot, close to a million. even with my income and my assets, I am still 50 percent away. it's impossible."

"then JE can help!"

"Johnny's won't. why would they help. there's nothing in for them."

"well, Johnny's not unreasonable. we've been with them for so long, and it's you who's asking, on account that you've made some big money for them all these years, there's no reason for them to turn you down. besides, some of our senpais have gotten loans from the company too. i can go with you, that makes it more compelling to loan you the money right?"

"Yuto~ you're willing to do this for me?"

"of course. you're not just my buddy, you're my greatest competitor and motivation. you're so worth my help."

Ryosuke chuckled and that's all he did, amusing Yuto.

"so what are you waiting for?"

"heh? I think I should at least finish the schedules I have at hand before broaching this subject with them right?"

"this kind of thing can't wait, Baka. you really don't understand girls, do you... she'll be uneasy... lets go find Johnny-san right away!" Yuto grabbed the scrambling Ryosuke who was still mumbling to himself "cause I never saw her as a delicate girl before, well she never acted as one until recently."

"stop mumbling and keep up... we can still catch Johnny san at his office if we speed up." Yuto led Ryosuke excitedly but when they entered a cab, the former became really quiet and was only engrossed in his phone. he wasn't the only one though, cause Ryosuke too was simply too nervous to talk. different scenarios of how to approach the topic ran through his mind and it gave him a serious headache in an extremely jerky cab.

As they reached the building, their hastening footsteps filled the corridor, and juniors were all greeting them without getting noticed by the two focused senpais. Ryosuke was glad to have Yuto around as he helped him stay on track, otherwise overthink stuff before actual doing it. once the door swing open, he was in shock, cause there wasn't only Johnny-san in the room, but JUMP's managers was there too.

"come in, yamada-kun and Nakajima-kun." they both went in on Johnny's invitation. even Yuto appeared unsure at this point, but there's no backing out for Ryosuke. he summoned his courage and shut himself away from the rest, focusing his attention only on Johnny.

"Johnny-san, I've something that I need the company's help with..." Ryosuke swallowed a lump of saliva and said it with as much confidence as possible.

"hai. and I apologise for calling your other bosses up here too. I thought they should be in the loop of things especially when you were pretty much worrying for them these days"

it didnt help ease Ryosuke's nervousness when he realised that Johnny himself knew about his quibbles with the group and his substandard trainings. He took a deep breathe before he spoke again, only to be interrupted by Johnny.

"hold on son. Before you say your piece, there's something I hope to tell you all these while."

Ryosuke nodded, indicating for Johnny to proceed. the content, however was pressurizing.

"yamada-kun. you have been in Johnny's for more than 10 years and is safely one of my best artistes who progressed really fast. you have really been impressive in singing and acting, you are good with words and your skills with writing lyrics is simply amazing. you have great potential if I am to be really frank, definitely one of our proud assets."

Ryosuke blushed at his praises, not just in literal sense but also sensitive how Yuto would take these statements. continuously peeking at the latter to look out for signs of intolerance or annoyance, he saw only a poker face.

"so... having said so, I hope you don't waste all of these sweat and tears. in doing everything, I hope you could think carefully before making a move. without me spelling out, you should already know of the real cases of our artistes plummeting from sky high to rock bottom right."

it seemed as though Johnny already knew what he was going to ask but if it this is so, then he doesn't know what that hint was implying to him.

"My friend ran into some debt and it's almost a million. can I take a loan from the company to help settle this debt. you can subsequently deduct from my pay."

"your friend... or is it Umika Kawashima-san?" Johnny smirked. it was always hard to read Johhny, that's why it always is a fearful event if there's a need to face their big boss.

"isn't it the same? but yes, it's her." Ryosuke said with a raised brow and his tone which was slightly blunt received a elbow jerk from Yuto.

"it's not the same, ne. she's more than just a friend to you, enough to cause your poor performance."

Yuto gasped at the strong assertions and he could sense Ryosuke getting into a trap. Ryosuke on the other hand did not appear to be surprised that Johnny knew what has been going around.

"I'm sorry. but I really hope you will help."

"well, well, yamada-kun, we are running a business, and in business sense, this does not bring returns."

Ryosuke immediately had a look of disappointment and a hint of injustice. he felt that this was not the kind of returns his big boss should be saying after he has given his everything for the company these years. nonetheless, he could only go as far as looking irritated. Yuto however was the one who revealed his annoyance. "johnny-san, I think there should be other ways Ryosuke can repay the company's goodwill. can we discuss, please."

"Yuto, the person requesting hasn't even said anything..." Johnny exclaimed with his gaze fixated on Ryosuke's unhappiness.

"if that's what Johnny-san works, I've nothing more to discuss. Yuto, lets go." Ryosuke took the lead and walked towards the exit with Yuto unsure of the way things ended too simply without a fight.

"I have not finished, Yamada-kun. want to hear out my deals, then consider my offers?" Johnny interjected.

Ryosuke sprung up and looked back at Johnny with hope. "you will reconsider loaning me the money?"

"I'll prefer to talk in business sense. and personally, I think this transaction isn't a bad one for your future."

Ryosuke became more anxious by the second, and his anxiety builds up increasingly. exchanging glances with Yuto, they both felt a sense of optimism.

"I'll lend you the money, on one condition that you leave her.... terminating all ties with her." it was like a ball of hope burning within him exploded into flames, perished with the wind. Ryosuke was more than dumbfounded by the offer, he was angry. gritting his teeth, he sternly replied "I won't leave her."

"she has been a problem in your work, and since there'll be no conclusive end to the 2 of your complicated relationship, my offer will help out a mutual beneficial end to this relationship."

"my relationship with her is not a transaction! it cant be traded this way. I'm sorry Johnny-san for my rudeness, but your offer simply isn't enticing at all. sorry"

"hold up, yamada-kun. I knew your reaction will be this way. knowing you for such a long time, seeing you grow up, I believe I know the importance of her in your life. of course you wouldn't take it up."

Ryosuke's clenched fist gradually loosened while his confusion continued to add to his perplexity. "why is johnny fooling with me" he thought.

"then the other offer I'm giving you would probably be more enticing... I'll lend you the money but you have to leave JUMP, and have your contract terminated."

"ne?!!!" Yuto and Ryosuke blurted their shock in unison. they couldn't believe their ears. Before coming into Johnny's office, Yuto was sure that Ryosuke was an asset to the company so he was confident that the obedient Ryosuke would receive the help he needed from the company if he asked. now, he felt rotten as though he sent Ryosuke into a death trap. Yuto saw how Ryosuke froze and even his own limbs were trembling.

"how, Yamada-kun? a million is a huge sum and you or her won't be able to raise it yourselves. I'm giving you two options and either one will help solve her problem. you can also choose none of my options but that would mean the debts will continue to haunt her and make her unhappy, tearing the 2 of your relationship apart."

"that's unreasonable, Johnny-san." Yuto retaliated while Ryosuke continued to stand in silence, dumbed in other words. it was hard for anyone to tell what Ryosuke was thinking or will do.

"Yuto, you young ones need to understand that in every decision you make in life, there's an opportunity cost. when you signed on with JE, you knew from day one that your opportunity cost is your personal life. your friends would be your comrades, and your comrades are your only friends. if Yamada wants back that personal life, in this case his childhood friend and love interest, then he has to give up his career. as much as I hope to support his admirable relationship that lasts so long, it remains a fact that she will be his biggest stumbling block in his career. the company hasn't interfered cause Ryosuke knew how to protect himself and her, but after that incident, I'm sure he knew he is losing control of this part of his life..."

Ryosuke gripped his pants and tightened it in his hands, distracting himself from the hard truth. but it only becomes harder as the truth started slicing his raw heart.

" it'll only hurt the 2 of you deeper if you don't make up your mind on what you want, Yamada-kun. we don't want to see you go down the same path as some of your seniors. like I said, we've seen your hardwork, your spirit and there's so many of your bandmates, kouhais who look to you as an inspiration and assurance. you don't want to disappoint them and let yourself down too."

Ryosuke didn't respond, instead he turned around with his back facing everyone and said "i understand. I'll give you an answer after I'm done with Waku Waku. and don't worry, I will complete all my work at hand properly before I make any decision."

Yuto was uneasy with Ryosuke's respond and he saw the latter run through the door. he chased after him and it wasn't hard for Yuto's long legs to catch up to him. "Ryosuke!" When he grabbed Ryosuke's arms and pulled him back, he saw fiery through his eyes, but below this angry front, there was fear, fear of facing the different paths presented to him. either one will change his future.

Ryosuke harshly shook his hands off and proceeded alone. Yuto knew he has messed things up for him and could not immediately think of a way to salvage when his mind is preoccupied with crazy thoughts of what Ryosuke would choose. in his mind, albeit selfish, he hoped Ryosuke would choose to leave her cause he really can't imagine Jump without Ryosuke. the last time it happened, he felt the difference in energy.

*****

So much for trying to past his time, cause after the meet with Johnny, there was barely time for him to do anything else besides heading to Tokyo station for the nozomi Shinkansen to Osaka. Ryosuke carried a simple backpack and walked solemnly towards the reserved carrier. He would have bought a bento to munch in the train for dinner, but he's so preoccupied in his afterthoughts from the unfortunate discussion that he ignored his protesting stomach. he also took no notice of a voice desperately calling him from behind for a long time since he entered the station.

"Oi Yamachan!!!!" it only occurred to him when he felt a forceful hit upon his shoulder blade. He jumped in surprised and he turned in exploding anger.

"nande! you~" he raised his hands only to realise it's..

"Chinen?... I thought I told you that you don't have to set off as early as me. I'm going there sooner because I need to run some errands"

"it's less lonely to go together right... so I invited myself..."

Ryosuke looked around, thinking that Chinen will not be the only one. "it's just you?"

he nodded suspiciously and asked "who else are you expecting?"

"did yuto tell you anything?"

"Yuto? no, what's he supposed to tell me?. oh... have you all made up?"

he was surprised Yuto didn't alert the rest about what's about to happen. he was glad and appreciated his help greatly, but sorry for letting him down in so many levels.

"...yes we've patched up," Ryosuke said without much life. then the last call for passengers of the train was made. He moved without inviting Chinen or bidding farewell, causing the latter to feel very sad.

"Aren't you coming? the door is gonna close on us if you don't move now" Ryosuke turn around and hollered to him.

"Heh?!" Chinen excitedly ran towards his best friend, hands on his shoulders, pushing him lightly in an orderly manner.

Once at their seats, Perhaps even for an extended period of time, Chinen could not sense anything else from Ryosuke except he seemed awfully engrossed in his thoughts. the latter stared out into the outside from the little window which was in utter darkness. He saw how his best friend and companion appeared so drained out physically and mentally but felt  helpless.

Chinen after a long deliberation decided to break Ryosuke's train of thoughts. He poked Ryosuke at his arm muscles,until he got his attention.

"nande?" Ryosuke asked with an apologetic expression as though he had missed out on what he has said.

"recently, you haven't been telling me anything," Chinen was trying out his usual guilt treat but it wasn't at all pretentious, he was truly saddened by the recent spate of events that Ryosuke never shared with him.

"Chinen~" Ryosuke finally gave him all his attention. "i really didnt want to be like a burden to you..." in that split second, he realised that this may be how Umika feels about over relying on him, hence not willing to share his troubles just like how he preferred to keep Chinen out from his. There was a sense of heaviness he couldn't express.

When Chinen didn't reply, Ryosuke understood he never accepted that answer. he sat straight and turned towards Chinen, "let me ask you then."

"yes?" Chinen's eyes lighted up in anticipation. tickled by his reaction, Ryosuke said "We always tend to say Jump is our family right? but this family, can they occupy the same exact important position as your real family?... what I mean is, can things in life share the same importance? can we claim so?"

Chinen seemed to be thinking hard but while Ryosuke couldn't find an answer, the former only took a mere minute to derive on one.

"put it simply, no matter how much I like Jump and how much you guys are a part of my life, I think it's only second to my real family. in all things, we can only speak in relative term. personally, I feel 2 things can't share the same importance and if they are struggling to occupy the same spot in our heart, we will definitely become emotionally strained until we decide on it's rightful place."

"... wow..." Ryosuke felt he was enlightened by Chinen' philosophy. in normal circumstances, he wouldn't have understood the explanation but he believed that his swift understanding this time was because he already has the answer. that affirmation is painful.

"Ryosuke, can you tell me what's troubling you? you are obviously suffering"

"... Umika's family is in a huge debt. I need to help..."

"well, that's easy! I'll lend you as much as you need."

"you won't have enough to lend me, and it's too risky for any of us to come into this debt since we cannot ascertain if the paparazzi will find out. I'll have to deal with it myself, and..."

"and?"

Ryosuke hesitated but decided otherwise. "and I'll do what I can to help her out of this ordeal. I forced her to another country in the first place. it's the least I should do."

Ryosuke chose to keep the real trouble from Chinen. he will not put his best friend in a mood that will affect his performance later. it was already for him to stay focus, and he was sure Yuto feels the same way.

"Ryosuke~"

"Thanks Chinen. you're always there for me. I know I haven't been talking to you these days, but it's only because I don't want to be the one bombarding you with problems after problems and lose you as my best friend."

"don't say it this way, Ryosuke. you are always there for me too. you have no idea how crucial you are in my career"

"that's too serious?"

"it's not. no matter how unsure I am with a performance, how fearful I am, as long as I see you alongside me, I feel that it'll all be okay. your independence and confidence on stage give me that assurance and with you around, I always feel that there was someone to count on. I can tell you that this has been the talk among the rest too. you're like a pillar for us."

"it's just reliance, and you'll just have to be independent to rely on yourself. in my opinion, you are really impressive. there's nothing you can't do."

"you can't stop me from feeling a certain way. you're my inspiration cause you are just so brilliant on stage that people naturally look up to you. juniors too."

"you really make me feel overly important. like you said, it's your feelings, and I have no rights to interfere anyway. but this Performance with Arashi, lets watch over each other, okay."

"You're always watching out for me, so I will too~ I will become someone you can rely on... but..."

"but?" Ryosuke wondered what Chinen has to add but ended up laughing helplessly within his stomach.

"I need your wallet. I'm so hungry! I rushed here without having my dinner."

"Baka~ I told you not to follow right. I need to do some shopping for my sis."

"it's fine! I'll just shop with you" Chinen conveniently took his wallet before he could take it out fully and ran to the snack area at the end of the cabin on the Shinkansen. Ryosuke looked at the friend who will unconditionally support him and standby him through whatever that happens and muttered to himself "whatever my decision is, I'm sorry Chinen. it's really a performance I need to resolve myself."... "I need to make a decision. and this time, I'll have to let go something that is just as dear to me" he breathed in deeply as he shuts his eyes after a mentally traumatic day.

When he woke up again, they were about near Shin-Osaka Station. Chinen was asleep, as usual, like a small boy with his hand still holding on to a bottled drink. "Chinen~" Ryosuke called out to him gently, tapping his shoulders. he woke up with a blank face, and only reacted absentmindedly.

"we're here" Ryosuke ushered Chinen while helping the latter carry his bag until he gains full alert. Chinen blindly followed Ryosuke from the back, out of the station, and into a cab heading towards their hotel.

"Chi, you go ahead and rest. I'm gonna try to clear some of my shopping list before tomorrow since some of the shops are still open."

"I'll go with you," he insisted, even though he could barely open his eyes.

"it's alright. you had a long day," they reached the hotel before they know it. Ryosuke persuaded him to do as he said, leaving the shorter one to no avail. Only after seeing the boy out of sight, he took off to complete his tasks. it was also his escapism, cause he needed time by himself. He walked alone, from mall to mall, one departmental store to the next, making sure he got the right items his two sisters have asked for. There were of course people who have identified him and asked for a handshake, and in those circumstances, he bear a smile too heavy. On his phone, he located a more isolated pathway to his hotel and decided to take a slow walk back while he had time alone to think. One step after another, he dragged his feet down the lonely street that was so quiet he could hear his hasty heartbeat. if one calls this serenity, he felt it was loneliness that kills, and if that's gonna be his life in the future, how would he live it, he thought deeply. "why is it so hurtful to make a decision? can't I want both? is that too greedy, Kamisama?" he thought as he looked into the starry sky. he sat on a bench and shut his eyes for a long time, thinking over his options while the memories of his bandmates and his one only non-artiste friend he knew his whole life whom he wants to protect dearly. tears rolled within his closed lids and a single one escaped and twinkled in the twilight. he wiped it off and clenched his fist with the determination to fight to the last.