"Dear, come home straight after work today, okay?" my mum called out, but I was too engrossed with my phone to hear her. Dazed on my empty phone log, I was disappointed that there was not a single message or call from him. it was not like there was any for the past few months, but I would expect one today... every year, this day, at 12 midnight sharp, without fail for over 20 years, I would hear his alluring voice whispered in my ears "Happy birthday". never was this record broken, but as the clock continued ticking through the late morning, my heart sank... I reminisced every single one of my birthdays which he never failed to surprise me, and every of these memories was dear to my heart...

that year... my parents were overseas for business and I was all alone at home for my birthday. I vented my anger by sleeping the whole day, hating on my parents for forgetting my important day. moreover, my friends were busy with their family that all I received were presents ahead of time. it wasn't presents I wanted, it was the accompany I needed. I didn't want to spend my birthday alone. I would have been thick skin enough to call Ryosuke on a Sunday night after knowing he was in the midst of a heavy week trying to juggle exams and work commitments, but as per my habits, I wouldn't burden him with my childishness. I crouched at the corner of my large sofa and dazed blankly into the television, not understanding a bit of what the programme is about and not attempting to understand either. I watched as the hours go by, and my eyes felt so heavy that I didn't even realise myself falling asleep. 

I didn't know how long I slept either. I was awakened by a ticklish feeling of hair brushing against my fingertips and when I pry open my eyes, I saw a guy sat on the ground beside my sofa with his head leaned on the edge of the sofa. I didn't need to sweep away his fallen bangs to know who the intruder was... his mere presence was enough for me to assure his identity.

I removed the blanket he placed over me and pulled it over him instead. as I did, I found myself drawn to his flawless facial features and my heart skipped a beat. my fingers uncontrollably moved towards his face, hoping to caress it as I've never been in such close proximity with him, but before I could touch him, his eyes fluttered open.

I was caught in a fix especially if he has realised what I wanted to do, so I tried to distract him...

"R-Ryosuke, when were you here? you should have woken me up..." I hide my blush as soon as I felt my face heating up and blood rushed upwards.

"I didn't get here too long though. I reached about 10pm... I thought maybe I get a shut eye first since you are asleep too..."

"you look so tired, didn't you have a concert just now? why are you here at this time?"

"Good question ne..." he gave me a smile then sprung up on his feet and reached for a box on the dining table.

"tadahhh! I got this fresh from the bakery. They made it just for me...It's the only time I disclosed my identity ne. Strawberry shortcake!" he opened the lid and a delicious looking cake with the aroma which intrigued my sense of smell lingered in my mind even after so many years.

"what is this for?" I asked absentmindedly, and he gave me a look of intolerance.

"baka" he gave a soft hit on my head, then chuckled. "I'm here to celebrate your birthday, so obviously I had to bring a cake right..."

"b-but...you were so busy...I shouldn't impose on you... you really don't have to bother about me at this time of the day, especially when you have so many things to work on" tears welled in my eyes as I struggled to speak. My perplexed expression conveyed on my face put out my concerns like an opened book, that made tickled him worried at the same time.

"you didn't ask me to, so that's not imposing on me. I did it willingly,you don't have to bother at all. and goodness, I'm your best friend, so regardless of how busy I am, I won't forget your birthday..." My heart as immensely touched by his actions which clearly put me above all else.

"Ryosuke..."

"hmmm, knowing you for so long, it's not like I don't know what you are thinking before I came. Your parents are away, your classmates are busy with their own commitments, and you are someone who needs attention so it should be quite horrible to stay all alone at home on your birthday...yet you didn't dare call me right...since you keep to your promise to yourself not to disturb me during my peak periods right."

"how did you know all these?" I gave him a face filled with confusion.

"like I said, I know you inside out. It's not like I don't know you are always considering about me before yourself. You should just stop overthinking things. If you need me, just call me. Unless you don't see me as your best friend...." he gave me a doubtful look.

"Of course I do! you are my only BEST FRIEND, Ryosuke...."

"Alright, so don't feel bad over things like this. Let's just spend the last hour cheerfully okay" he wrapped his shoulders around me and pulled me so close to him that I was immersed my his citrusy cologne. We blew the candle and gobbled up the full cake all by ourselves. Our enormous appetite is what made us so compatible as friends in the first place. Although he's a celebrity, but behind the scenes, he never considered his image. or perhaps he didn't feel a need to feign in front of me. 

It was those days where we sat not on the couch but on the ground with our backs leaned against the edge of the couch and our shoulders and heads against each other, chatting aimlessly and laughing at random stuff. I always chuckle when I compared our interactions versus his interaction with other girls. He's phobia with girls are really hysteric that sometimes I doubt his work suited him. But that's also probably the reason why we were so close cos I barely had competitors. 

this one recollection in particular was vividly carved in my heart, but it was not for long that another piece of memory will re-carve upon the same spot and disposed off all prior goodness.

"UMIKA!" my mum shouted once more to recall my soul.

"heh?!" I was startled by her loud shouting.

"I said to come home straight after work..." I avoided her gaze cos I knew she was persistent on this. She has been trying hard to make me miss my daily routine visit to Ryosuke's house. and today was no different, except the reason was more justifiable this time. 

"we invited your friends from school to our house for your birthday bash" 

I was happy my parents made an effort, but I couldn't feel happy when I probed more. 

"my friends....?"

"yes, Suzuka, Miku, Kento, even Daiki and Chinen"

"what about him?"

"I didn't. It'll be awkward if he came..."

My mum noticed my changed expression, and quickly rushed to explain herself. Pulling me beside her, she propped herself close and looked deep into my eyes "sometimes, you need a breather. It wouldn't hurt to take a break. but if you fail to take a break, you will eventually crash."

I hate to admit, but she's right. I think the whole world could tell that I am less and less happier by the day, and even smiling became a chore for me. The bruises on my skin made me embarrass and haunted me even in my dreams. His vengeful and irritable stare which was a contrast from his ever soft glance send chills down my spine and has become my living fear.

I gave my mum a subtle nod to acknowledge her elaborate consideration for me, then left the house for my part time job. But the whole time at work, I couldn't take my mind off my decision to break my own promise. I have never failed to visit his house since the accident. There was no way I could miss it this time. I hated myself for not heeding my mum's advice, I knew somewhere in my heart, I didn't want to meet him today. But I was afraid if I escaped for once, I will become used to escaping him forever, and when that happens, it will be officially the end of my relationship with him...even as friends.

As I stood at his doorsteps after work, I checked my phone once more, and still I see no calls or messages from him. "Has he forgotten my birthday, i thought?" though I knew perfectly what the reason was... He didn't want to wish me. This is undoubtedly the first time he never gave me his wishes, and it will soon become one time I will never forget.

A woman in a nurse outfit opened the door. Her courteous and kind look didn't mask her tiredness. I knew she hasn't been enjoying her work with the Yamada and she has seen worst of him.

I paced to the interior of the house and saw him sitting alone on the isolated seat exclusively made for him. The seat never failed to tighten my heart. It was customed made to assess every corner of the house, although some furnitures had to be rearranged and rooms reallocated. His room was the only room which was heavily refurnished and has since moved to the ground storey. The once designer-style interior which he personally designed was stripped to its bare necessity for his easy assessibility. The wheels on the seat was huge but it did not interfered with the mobility and the foot rest appeared slick and comfortable..

As usual, he didn't turn to welcome me. In fact, I was relieved that he did not give me his attention. Ignorance has been my way to survive these days. I observed him just sitting there and staring at a boring political talkshow which if it was the old him, he wouldn't have been the least bit interested in it.   

"Ryosuke, I'm here," if I said I wasn't hoping that he would recall my birthday and turned around to wish me, I'm lying. 

I was hopeful when He turned around with his glittering eyes which looked into mine. No, I was delusional. it's far from what I imagined. his eyes were filled with evil. Irritation filled his expression and I killed that calmness once again. Whenever I looked into the pair of eyes, I recalled that fateful day of events that crushed his future...

I watched painfully. the heavy words the doctor uttered after that serious car accident which he shielded me from echoed in my brain... 

from the ward, in my subconscious mind, I could hear the deadly murmurs outside...it was impossible to decifer the speakers but it didnt matter cos the subjects were undoubtedly us..."the girl is fine, only a few abrasions and minor fracture...."

"what about the boy?"

"he received the greatest impact. on top of abrasions and fractures, he has got a blow on his head..." I heard. immediately I thought of the pool of blood which could possibly be partly from his bleeding skull. my heart pumped rapidly as I focused on the conversation.

"so what does it mean?! he's going to forget us?!"

"I don't think he has lost his memory as the area of impact deals not with his memory," I was relieved to hear that but the worst has yet to come.

"we tried our best but the area of impact was at the nervous system. we found a clot which will lead to paralysis of his lower limbs... unless the clot clears, or he'll remain this way. we're sorry."

no, this is just a nightmare! it's impossible he who dances so well can no longer dance!!! no!!! my heartaches as the excruciating cries from outside quickly fill the surroundings and that becomes apparent to me it's not my delusions. Tears rolled down my tightly shut eyes and my hands wrenched the sides of the patient gown. deep in my heart I was already worried how he would take this piece of news which takes away the other most precious part of his life, worst, it was me, one who he claimed he couldn't leave without, who took it away. it became more certain that his career and me cannot coexist. circumstances made a decision for him, but the question is whether he could accept.

the answer was clear by now, that he has chosen to also give up the other most important thing in his heart... things have changed drastically between us and I could almost sense that he will never reciprocate my love from him anymore. it's almost likely that the seed of love has been crushed before it is even allowed to bloom.

Warm tears rolled in my eyes and it is equally difficult to endure the painful tightening of his heart. out of an impulse, I dashed forward as if all my restrain and yearning for his temperature and scent were unleashed. I thew my weight over him. I could hear him gasp, I could feel his arms hesitating to hold on to me. but I couldn't care more. since the past months, I could finally immersed myself in his warmth and comfort even if they weren't willingly committed. I felt his fingers collided into my back and I thought he would envelop me in his embrace like he would whenever I'm down. 

"why are you not pulling me into your arms like before? why are you holding back?" I thought to myself.

I rather he didn't reciprocate, I rather he stayed still as I immerse in his comforting arms though it didnt cradle me. I rather he did nothing and let me do all the work, instead of pushing me away. he looked at me with a deep gaze conflicted by intolerance and an underlying apology. did he see through me again? he shrugged as if he knew what was going through my mind. i wiped my tears and curbed my overflowing emotions. i swore i thought i saw his shimmering eyes and knew he wasn't heartless. He wheeled himself towards the kitchen and I rushed along.

"Ryosuke, are you hungry? I'll get for you.... oh you want tea? I'll pour," I saw his hand reached out to the tea bag that was within reach. however he struggled to reach for the boiling water, yet his pride wouldn't allow him to receive help freely. I took control of the kettle of hot water but his intervening hand made it difficult to secure it.

"Ryosuke, I can help you with it... just let me do it.."

"I don't need your help! I'll do it myself! I'm not handicapped! my arms can still work!" he shouted stubbornly but I didn't surrender. then I regretted engaging with him in the unnecessary struggle. with an abrupt swing of his arms, the surface of the kettle scalded his arms and the kettle flew off from her hands and onto the floor.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh itaiiiiii!" I shrieked and cried in excruciating pain as the boiling water poured out from the bottle soaked my feet and sent an unbearable pain that stretched from my feet to my bones. I immediately fell to the ground and cried hysterically. 

"Gomenasai... hontoni..." I thought I heard his apologies that was barely audible with my loud cries, and in the corner of my eyes, I could see his remorse but the pain was getting increasingly difficult to endure to find the opportunity to tend to his feelings. I was sure he stretched out his hands to help me, I was sure he wanted to care for me. but for some reason, he held back.

why are you so cruel? if it was my best friend, Ryosuke, you would have straightaway find a way to ease my pain even if the only thing you could do is to ask me if I was okay, or to promise everything will be fine. instead today, he only sat on his wheelchair motionless as if I was none of his concern. 

"oh no.... ma'am, it looks horrible. I'll call the hospital now and get you treated before the pain seeps into your skin and bones!" the home nurse witnessed the mess and quickly ran forward to tend to my injuries... I don't want her help, I want yours, Ryosuke! I cried in my heart as it shatters for the last time. the pain was so bad i quickly lost my senses, but my heartache was immensely felt. at the corner of my eyes, when the nurse and paramedic brought me into the ambulance, i still see him watching only from afar, with no intention to come forth to accompany me through the agony. at this instance, I have lost all hopes on him. he has moved on without me, and I am no longer his concern.... is that right, Ryosuke?

*****
Ryosuke POV

with painstaking effort, I carried myself in my crutches from my house, then up the public transport and finally at the nearest hospital.i was not only drenched in sweat,my eyes was damped with tears that flowed endlessly like the Amazon River.  

my heart cringed repeatedly as her cries echoed in my mind and her devastating look on her face weakens my strength. I regretted my tantrum thrown upon her, I regretted inflicting her to such pain, I regretted not being there for her instead give her a cold shadow. I peeked into the ward and saw her pale face and bandaged feet. 

I didn't mean it Umika; I don't why I acted this way, but everytime I see you, I think of the accident that took away my career. It was this surge of unknown hatred that clouded my perceptions and my love for you. I do not hate you, but I hated what has happened between us. I do not detest your presence, in fact it was the opposite, I wanted you to be by my side. But everytime you appeared, I would feel happy then felt like you should suffer the same as me. I wanted to be on pile with you, as for now, I felt useless as a handicap. I felt that our future is bleak because i am no longer able to give you the same as before. I have lost my self-sufficiency, becoming a burden to people due to my immobility. How can I do anything for you anymore, Umika. You will grow tired of me, you will grow intolerant of me. It is all this feeling of becoming obselete and unwanted, that I can't help but want to make you guilty-stricken and unhappy as me. I am sorry, my immaturity has hurt you deep this time.  

"sir, do you want to go in?" a nurse asked.

"no, it's okay." I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth as I distanced myself away from the one girl I have known my whole life. She was the only one who saw me the way I am, not Yamada Ryosuke the pop idol but me. But what I have done, made her suffer. Her whimpering body made my heart cringe and I wanted to dash inside and hug her if that alone can be her painkiller. I wanted to be there to silence her cries and ease her heartache but I no longer am in the position to do so. I only hurt her.

Just as I was about to hardened my heart and walk away, I heard her awakening followed by a heartbreaking conversation that signals the worst turn to our many years of friendship will most likely turn for the worst...