the new day came as the sun dawned upon the blue horizon. inevitably after a whole night of crying, Umika woke up with a splitting headache. despite so, one thing was clear in her mind, to meet Ryosuke in school and make up with him regardless of how much he is going to shove her away. she is determined to make this work so she dashed off to school early, even without breakfast, just so she wouldn't miss him.

if she hasn't notice earlier, she has today, that there has always been a bunch of junior girls crowding around his classroom since it is the one with most celebrities. well, as far as she know, it's forbidden to fangirl within the school compounds, but perhaps the rule only applies when the first bell rings and since it hasn't, they could openly wait for their idols to arrive. She waited and waited, the needle on the clock goes tick tock tick tock, until both hers and his classroom were almost filled, with students all sat in their seats obediently waiting for their teachers. even Chinen and Miku have spent a couple breakfast at their usual secret perk point and returned to their respective classroom, yet there's still no sign of Ryosuke.

just when she was about to give up, she heard a familiar voice from behind. she turned to the source in anticipation and she was most certainly right. the one she has been dreaming and yearning of the whole night through, Ryosuke dragged his feet across the corridor with his usual specs, seemingly to hide his swollen eyes and his hand lugging his bag. Umika inferred that he didn't get a good sleep either, still he look gorgeous even with his heavy eyebags. she rushed to him but was outbeaten by a junior who propped herself up to him without warning.

"sempai! ohayou..." the girl greeted enthusiastically but it startled Ryosuke who hasn't been concentrating on his surroundings,

"ah... ohayou... you are?"

"I'm kora, year 1. sempai, I'm your big fan... is it possible to get your autograph and photoshot?"

"heh?"

"I know it's not allowed in school but sempai, if you don't say, no one will know... I promise I won't tell anyone else about this."

"erm...I guess it's alright... I'll give you my autograph but I can't take photograph with you... it's against my agency rule. sorry."

"aw.. it's okay then, I'll settle for an autograph..." she retrieved her notebook with trembling hands, apparently too star strucked. he took it and let out a soft chuckle "you are really nervous ne.?"

"is it obvious?" she blushed.

"kinda...you don't have to feel embarrassed cause Im more shy with girls. Anyway, thanks for supporting me. I'll look forward to seeing you at Jump's events" he smiled to her.

Umika was glad to see him in a lighthearted mood and swore she hoped she was the fan. at least seeing him slightly uplifted from yesterday, she stands a hope of reviving their love.

"Ryosuke~" she called out but got interrupted once again by his teacher who trailed behind him. She was sure he saw her, but turned instead to face his sensei. 

"sensei, ohayou..." he greeted and avoided her eyes as if she wasn't there.

"yamada-kun... I'll talk to you, Chinen and Yuto-kun after class later, is that okay?" Umika barely heard whatever they said and the most she could make out was this.   she didn't know what it was regarding, but felt it might be their upcoming schedules and lesson plans. Her mood sunk entirely when Ryosuke entered the classroom with his teacher, leaning her no time to interrupt their conversation for trivial agendas like hers. She literally felt, for once in her life, that her best friend whom she knew her whole life, was an untouchable and unreachable idol. and it only gets worst as time passes.

She thought she would have the chance to catch him at lunch time, but she was slow once again.

"Yuto~" she saw the tall guy lugging his bag behind his shoulders and speeding across the corridor as if in a mad rush.

"ah, Umika-chan... anything I can help you? I'm in a rush though..." Yuto stopped to entertain Umika's query which he though sounded urgent.

"er... have you seen Ryosuke?"

"heh? Ryosuke and Chinen are already in our manager's car outside the gate... we got our last practice later in the studio and will be off to Osaka for our concert tour...it'll be 2 days, 4 concerts straight, so it'll be pretty busy for us. if you have any message to leave for Ryosuke, you can let me know, I'll pass to him... otherwise, I think you can still text him on your phone, I'll remind him to read it..."

"it's okay, Yuto-kun. arigatou..." he rushed off as soon as she responded.

she was in utter disappointment after having heard of jump's busy schedule. there was literally no time for her to talk to him, or even spend time with him. the longer the conflict drags, the more uncertain she felt about their future. his phone is disengaged, and not a single message was sent from his number since yesterday. he was entirely uncontactable, unless she was desperate enough to chase after him in Osaka..."maybe then, he'll listen to me, at least for the sincerity I put in.." she thought innocently. There she searched high and low for a ticket, which she never once encountered such situation since he always left the VIP seats for her regardless whether she asked. this time however, he did not give one. Umika has thought Miku might have received one from Chinen but understood that Miku turned it down since going to Osaka during a school period wouldn't be an option for her and might even land her in a week of grounding. no one else had one... 

it is the first time, Umika fully comprehended the struggles of a fangirl who has to fight for a costly ticket in order to get a bit of the idol's star studded glamour. she painstakingly search everywhere for a ticket and eventually got it through a bidding site for almost double the original price. The Shinkansen to Osaka wasn't cheap as well, but that was least of her worries, because her greatest fear was to have her parents find out her absurd travel plans on a school week. 

***
it's unbelievable that she's on the way to Osaka, not alone, but with the person who started it all. Reno sat beside her, sightseeing as the Shinkansen carried a train load of passengers, including an anxious girl and her scandalous lover, past the beautiful scenery painted on either side of the train windows. Umika was in no mood for admiration or excitement as her mind was preoccupied only with her only childhood sweetheart-turned boyfriend who is gradually slipping off her grip. occasionally tears still wet her eyes and Reno would sigh irritably. 

"I really don't know what's so good about him" Reno uttered irritably. Umika turned to him with killer shot eyes.

"okay fine... I'm not here to argue with you. I promise your parents I'll make sure you're safe, so that's my duties for now. other stuff can wait..."

"why did you volunteer? I would rather someone else...if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be in this mess"

"see, that's why I'm here, to repay my debts, to seek forgiveness. I know my forced kiss on you was despicable and I admit I did it deliberately to spite that idol boy. frankly, if you have told me your relationship, I wouldn't have to resort to such extreme to test the 2 of you. whatever it is, I want you to reinstate my position in your heart and for that I need a clean slate of records. now you are clearly blacklisting me, so I'm asking for a leveled playing field against him at least."

"Reno, I told you... I don't like you..."

"for now you don't like me... but I'll prove to you I'm a better choice.. think about how much less stressful it'll be with me than with an idol. your parents are worried too though they don't say it, and I'm sure the two of you know what you guys are pitting against... anyway, lets stop arguing and get things fix one by one. I want a fair match with him, and I'm not giving up..."

Reno turned away from her, leaving Umika no choice but slumped back into the couch seat.  She took out her phone and naturally scrolled through her photo album.... tens of hundreds of photos capturing both hers and Ryosuke's happy faces and the earliest dated back to their preschool years. one photo in particular brought back tons of memories, where he was holding her hands in the midst of a night trail during a preschool adventure camp. She remembered they were both so afraid of what lurks in the shadow that they were trembling and clinging onto each other with fear... it's also probably around that time that they knew they'll be important in each other's life. she realised that the time she knew Ryosuke was right after her childhood crush, Reno left Japan. She began to think if Ryosuke was sent into her life to replace the gaping hole in her heart, and now that it seemed like he's returning that place to Reno. 

"no..." she shook her head to shut away those negative thoughts. then she chanced upon another photo which goes back to those days where Ryosuke was still a junior in his agency. He was crying after feeling dejected for not being selected to debut while those around him did. in order to cheer him up, they went to asakusa for street snacks and ended up being grounded for reaching home really late. 

Warm tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled every interaction with him, especially those times when they thought their friendship will have to end with all the fans bullying her. she never blamed him for the hate, cause he always stood by her and tried to protect her. Her fingers hovered around his number and the urge to send him yet another message after having sent tons which did not receive a single reply. even though she knew his phone wasn't switched on, she still had that urge...

"Ryosuke,

is this the end?

what if we return to a time where we walk pass each other everyday unnoticed.

i cannot imagine life without you...

Umika"

****
Ryosuke laid in his hotel room after non stop practice from their Tokyo studio to their Osaka venue and finally they were hours away from their first performance for smart tour. Even a hour of shut eye would be worth celebrating over for the rest of the members who needed to be rejuvenated before the show, however regardless of how exhausted he is, Ryosuke would rather rehearsing to the last second, as it was the only way to take his mind off the useless thoughts about the other aspects of his life. He picked up his phone which he has shut off entirely, realising there were a long list of missed calls from Umika, and a message from her. He read it and became filled am with an impulse to call her and hold her back. it really isn't about being angry with her or about forgiving her, but what he is brooding over is that the root of the problem existing between them remains unresolved. it isn't a problem merely arising because of Reno, because Ryosuke knew that as long as he cannot admit Umika as his girlfriend, more Renos will appear and threaten to take her away. moreover, her parents' concerns aren't illegitimate. how could he protect her when he can't even give her the rightful acknowledgement, he could only add to her uneasiness and unreasonably demanding her to keep their relationship secret. seriously, which guy in the world would ask that of a girl and what kind of romance is it when it remains underground for unlimited time. he thought hard without realising a soft nod on his hotel door. when he finally attended to it, the person behind the door was in utter displeasure.

"Ryosuke! you took so long...." Chinen pushed his way into Ryosuke's room irritatedly and laid on his bed.

"gomene...are we late? I'm okay to head to the venue now" Ryosuke sat on the edge of the bed beside Chinen.

"relax...BEST went for their make up first. the rest of us will go after that."

"ah... thanks"

"Ryosuke, what's wrong with you? even Yuto and Daiki sensed something,do you think it can escape my detection,given you are my best friend...?" Chinen propped himself beside Ryosuke with his arms clinged onto Ryosuke's shoulder. Ryosuke only let out a sigh and lowered his head feeling dejected.

"looking at your face, I think I know... it's love? Umika?  oh oh was it that guy you said, someone who knew her before you?"

"Chi... I don't even know if he's the issue here anymore... it seemed like I'm just not matured enough to get into a relationship without messing up... do I really have to make a choice between career and love, or love and friendship?!"

"Ryosuke... I know you my entire life, just like her... I think you are those kind who think thoroughly before dwelling into something and once you have set your mind to it, you won't give up. Umika-chan is clearly someone of great importance to you or you will definitely not second guess yourself. then letting go is therefore not an option because you and her will both end up hurt if you do."

"but not letting go, isn't in her best interest as well. every girl yearns for a simple love with the guy she loves... I can't give her anything near that... I don't even know what will happen in the future once my relationship goes to light"

"how do you know the kind of love you guys are sharing isn't something she wants? even if she's someone who's easily contented, she and you don't need 15 years of togetherness to decide each other is the one right. obviously you guys have thought over and decided that it's all worth the shot. Ryo... you've got to stand strong if you love her... giving up is a way of running away, you know better, so it's not an option, definitely...."

Ryosuke rubbed the nape of his neck and gave a seemingly forced smile to Chinen.

"I'm sure you have been thinking all these by yourself, you need to talk it over with her...." Chinen added with a resounding nod from the receiver. 

"thank you. I'll take that into mind." he eventually gave a deterministic smile. then with arms clinging onto each other, the 2 best buddies made their way to the preparation room for their makeup.

****
The crowd gave a standing ovation after a medley of hits performed by hey! say! jump. but the roaring applause quickly died down after the sense of a more solemn transitioning. the center gave females fans a severe heart throb with his shiny skin lubricated by his own profuse sweating, drenching his already transparent top. He took a step forward from the other 8 members while suiting up in a blazer. with a heavy heart, he held up his mic and announced the next song. 

"minna... the next song, it's the first of the kind, where we attempt at something more matured. it's a song we wanna dedicate to all loved ones, including all of you today. we wish a happily ever after for everyone. if you can, wave your hands and sing with us..."

he paused a while, as if having depressing memories flowing through his mind. in fact, he's thinking of the girl where he inspired him the lyrics of the song, especially that fateful day where she accompanied him in the studio while he brought the lyrics to life. those meaningless hypothesis made all became a fact of life which the couple seemed vulnerable to.

"candle." hidden from the fans is a broken heart of a man as he uttered the title, followed by the beautiful tune which rung through the concert hall, hitting right into the heart of one particular girl who sat at the far back, barely able to catch a glimpse of the speaker. neither could the speaker see the one girl, even though she was bright in his life, but in a hall of ten thousands over people, he was blind. 

Set against the melodious tunes, he sung the excruciating words which spoke like narrative scripts that both his and her heart in the same exact spot, with silent tears shed... but it didn't go unnoticed... their respective partners have felt the depressing aura circling around them like a hollow black hole all happiness away. Reno looked at Umika as she gazed at the blinding spotlight, with tears trapped in her eyes and her heart crying pathetically. Similarly, Chinen and Yuto exchanged mutual glances behind Ryosuke's back as they could hear him almost crying like the sorrowful tunes of the song. luckily, the song fitted his mood or the hall of fans would have sensed the undertone of depression. Chinen and Yuto took opportunities to cling onto Ryosuke with their arms serenading all over him just like how fans would love it. 

"Daijoubu?" they whispered to his ears...

Ryosuke nodded subtly and gave them a stiff smile to brush off their concerns.

As the song 'candle' reached the second chorus, every member of the group is walking into the crowd... Umika's eyes were fixated on Ryosuke, hoping he'll be within arms length as he paced into the audience, but it was to no avail. she was too far away from him... it was like the damp in her eyes broke loose, her tears ran like a waterfall, bursting through her lenses, her loud wailing couldn't be heard with the loud music... 

"Umika~ calm down please" Reno clutched her shoulders as he was afraid she would pass out in such trauma she's undergoing. he held her tightly, with his own heart clenching.

****
Daiki washed up last in the shower room at the venue after the concert. When he came out from the shower, he was left with Inoo. 

"Oi Daichan! stop dreaming and quick dry your hair...and stop mumbling to yourself... what are you murmuring to yourself?" Inoo has been irritated with Daiki's distraction since the concert ended. 

"ah it's nothing... it's just that I thought i saw someone...which is entirely impossible... whats more with someone else..." Daiki pressed the nape of his neck as he recalled a familiar face he saw when he was in the audience during 'candle'. he hoped he didn't see wrong cause it wasn't at all a happy scene.

"what the hell are you talking about?" Inoo replied frustratedly.

just as when Daiki was about to shrug off whatever he thought he saw as nothing but his pure imagination, he saw Chinen and Yuto walking Ryosuke by his side and patting him as if he's unwell. Daiki dashed out towards them, with Inoo chasing from behind.

"Oi minna!" Daiki caught up and went in front of them. he saw Ryosuke's restless expression and was certain something happened 

"Yamada, what happened?" he asked while his hands secured the younger boy's shoulder.

"nothing..." Ryosuke replied emotionlessly.

"as if I'm gonna believe you. Chi, you say what's wrong with him?" Daiki turned to Chinen, knowing that between him and Yuto, Chinen is more likely to divulge.

"er... it's about um..." Chinen was interrupted by Ryosuke, "it's nothing really. I appreciate all of you worrying for me but I'm alright." he gently release himself from their grip and walked further away, but Daiki uttered something that make him stop moving forward.

" I think I know what's wrong... it's about Umika?..."

Ryosuke froze on the spot without turning around to face them, but resumed his steps until...

"I thought I saw wrongly... but I saw someone who looked like her in the audience just now," Daiki announced the mysterious lady whom he chanced upon during 'candle'

"huh?! it can't be. I never gave her a ticket, and if I did, it'll be VIP ticket like always...and I wouldn't even give her this ticket cause it's in a school week. traveling to Osaka on a school week is not a choice either" Ryosuke turned back and looked at Daiki with anxiety.

"yeah, can't be. cause I never gave tickets to Miku either, so if Umika is here, she might be alone, which is rather dangerous, unless there's some others with her" Chinen added.

"that's what I thought it's weird... but she resembles her so much. anyway it's better if that girl is not her..." Daiki explained.

"why?" Ryosuke said at the same time as Yuto and Chinen.

"cause that girl was crying so bad and the guy beside her was comforting him. come to think of it, he's probably her boyfriend. "

Ryosuke seemed to be in a daze after... he wasn't able to compose himself for a long while, strolling out of the venue with the other four while the rest are waiting in the bus to bring them for dinner. 

"it can't be her..." he murmured to himself. Suddenly Chinen grabbed his arms just before he stepped on the bus, pulling him to the side.

"heh?" he was surprised by Chinen's sudden act.

"if you are worried, then give her a call... it's useless to sit and ponder the possibilities..." Chinen read Ryosuke's mind again and the latter wasn't a least bit surprised.

"I tried calling, but her phone is shut off. she did message me earlier but it said nothing about her coming..." Ryosuke showed his true anxiousness to the one friend he never needed to conceal.

"er... maybe I'll call Miku and check if she know anything"

the phone rang and Ryosuke looked at Chinen closely in anticipation.

"Moshi Moshi! Miku"

"ahhh Chinen! how's the concert... ahhh I wanna go.."

Chinen chuckled but earned only a deadly glare from Ryosuke. 

"ah Miku, there's something urgent I need to ask you... is Umika in Osaka, at our concert?"

"oh, she managed to meet up with Ryosuke?"

"heh? what do you mean by that? Miku, is there something we should know? Daiki said he saw someone who looked like Umika but can't confirm."

"er... yeah she managed to secure tickets last minute for the concert"
because Ryosuke has propped himself beside Chinen, he heard Miku's response and was in an utter shock.

"WHAT?!!! why the heck did she come Osaka on a school period! and it's dangerous to travel alone! why didn't you stop her?!" Ryosuke snatched the phone and vented his frustration.

"Yamada-kun~ it's not like I could control her! besides if it's anyone's fault, it's yours. you make her so uneasy that she can't help but rush there to find you..." it was the first time Chinen hear Miku's discontentment. Ryosuke frowned then his whole face showed only remorse. Chinen felt overtly sorry for his best friend so he took back his phone and asked sincerely, "Miku, do you know where she could be staying during her stay here?"

"it's Osaka prince hotel, if I'm not wrong cause I saw the name card of the hotel before she left...but Chi..."

"ne?"

"I think Ryo has to act fast. her parents got someone there to go with her..."

Ryosuke didn't even wait to probe further, he immediately thought of the only other person they could entrust and felt extremely frustrated once more. His frustration is the only reason that is making him furious and urgent, he needs to see her and claim ownership of her as if a possesive boyfriend is what he wants to become for the time being. Winning over his girlfriend is his natural rights, he believed, and especially in the face of an unwarranted challenge from a guy from her past, he lost all sensibility and rationality. He took off almost immediately and there was no one who could hold him back.

"OIII RYOSUKE?" Chinen shouted, and Daiki and Yuto hollered "YAMADA!" likewise.

"I'll call you guys! You guys just go back Tokyo first! Find an excuse for me! Arigatou!" Ryosuke shouted back and dashed towards the direction of the hotel without holding back, leaving his group to no avail, watching him as he pursued his happiness. They could only hope nothing goes wrong in the course of his pursuit. They watched as Ryosuke's lonely, yet with hot-blooded perseverance, disappear before their eyes.

****

Reno threw the drunk Umika on the bed of her hotel room, removing her shoes and placing her flat. Her face was flushed red down to her neck, and her sprawling on the bed with her limbs spread out only made her more irresistible to Reno's inner lust. If it was just his own lust that he has to fight in face of a vunerable girl who has no ability to defend herself, it would have been manageable, but unfortunately this temptation is peppered with his rising anger that reduce his sanity significantly such that he has no intentions to hold back. He clenched his fist as the furiousity within him boiled his blood while he recalled the disheartening conversation that pain his heart hours ago. The warm tears shed down her eyes non-stop was a clear insult to his dignity, and it has been ongoing since the concert started. Comforting words began to be more daunting as he uttered over and again, then he began to observe her recurring heartbreaks which killed his affection and converted them to hatred. He watched her as she drowned herself in bottles of soju which she clearly wasn't good with.

"Ryosuke....I don't like Reno....why can't you just trust me on this?...I only love you, my heart is beating for you and only you, can't you hear it?" she pounded on her heart heavily as she cried.

"We have been friends our whole life so how could you not understand me?!...." she wiped her tears away and vented her frustration with another huge gulp of the soju, warming and her body concurrently.

"You are not only a star in all those girls' eyes, you are my star too, and it is becoming so difficult to hold on to your star! Can you not be a star?! Then it wouldn't be so difficult to love.... Isn't there a compromise we can strike? I don't wanna say good bye!!!"

"That damn song you wrote, why must it be so true!That can't be our story! I will not accept your blessings, I'll only be happy with you, BAKA Ryosuke!" She collapsed on the table right after blabbering for hours, entirely drunk, unconscious. He carried her, princess-style back to the hotel, with eyes of jeslousy from around. He himself was considered a living prince in the eyes of passerbys and he has definitely not lost in terms of looks when compared with Yamada Ryosuke, he felt. He is so conceited that he would not admit defeat. If there's anything his long stay overseas has taught him, is to fight for oneself even if it means being underhanded and despicable, cause in this dog-eat-dog world, there's no such thing as being kind. In order to succeed, he vowed to do anything, even if it is immoral and unjustifiable.

He kneeled beside her bed and brushed her fringe to the side, revealing her reddened face filled with distress and unvunerability that called out to his uncontrollable lust...He went on to caress her face, running his fingers down her supple skin down to her neck line. As he secured the crook of her neck, he leaned his body closer and began leaving smooches on her cheeks and onto her lips, sealing it with a kiss which turned more wet as he tried to break through her cavern with his probing tongue. She has no energy or consciousness to know what was going on or to resist any intimacy, all she could was shrug it off with light pushes which was useless to a strong man like Reno who did not want to budge. He was determined to inflitrate her most private areas as he ran his fingers to the opening of her collar, ing her one by one to reveal the flawless, bare, pale skin that was hidden from sight.

"Don't blame me for this... instead, you should thank me...cause what I am doing now is merely helping you to make the right choice. You will not regret. I am sure your parents will be most happy with me..."

He crawled up onto his bed and went directly above his body, holding on a sinister grin, all geared up to swallow the defensely girl...until the room bell rang. DING DONG!

*****

Umika POV

The last hours, all i could recall was me ranting repeatedly as my mind is infiltrated by everything Ryosuke... I have never felt a stronger urge than this to have him by my side, cause what I felt now was him slipping off my firm grip bit by bit... The concert was a blantant reminder of how different we were, but it was not like I never knew this fact. It would not be apt to call this a realisation cause it has been something we both acknowledge but has triumph all of these seemingly inevitable consequences to where we are today. It hasn't been long since we have mustered enough courage to face our true feelings and it is too soon to conceat defeat, I will not acknowledge this.

This period of uncertainty seemed like forever, cause I found myself yearning for Ryosuke to hold me in his arms, consoling my torn heart and patting me with my head leaning on his firm shoulders and warming me with the comforting body heat emitting from within.

In my subconscious mind, I thought I saw him carrying me down the corridor of the hotel to my bedroom. If it was him, I would have felt safe in his care cause he is the person who protects me unconditionally for almost 15 years of my life., but this instance, I felt myself getting nervous and uneasy. The pressure exerted on me was different, it was persistent, it was demanding, it was a stubborn grip that unsettles the heart. My eyes was too heavy to pry open, my limbs are too drained off energy to resist. I could feel his fingers trailing down my face and neck and it probed further down that left butterflies fluttering in my stomach madly. I tried pushing him off, but his strength was too great.

"Ryosuke?" I uttered the name, unsure whether I was calling for his help or denying his help...I was feeling more tense by the second and I could feel him undressing me. Was it for me, or is he doing this for his own pleasure? This is unlike the Ryosuke I have known for 15 years cause he have never done anything against my wishes and has only been doing things that puts my interest over his own. This touches were acts of oppression, I was certain, but if it's Ryosuke, it shouldn't have led to such strong feelings from me... My vision was blurry, but it's him? or was it just my imagination? was it just my yearning...?

The weight above me intensified just as the infiltration into my body  did as well. I felt increasingly insulted but my limbs were not in my bidding, in fact my hands and feets were almost tied down with another pair and the kisses were forced upon me, violently. "Ryosuke, stop, please stop, you are hurting me!" I shouted in my heart as the words fail to escape my mouth...My call of distress were further silenced with a kiss that was set out to dictate my life. It forced through my cavern and explored every corner as if I belonged to him... Warm tears rolled in my shut eyes as if pleading for the loving guy I know to return to sanity and stop his unforgiving violations of my very innocence and purity. The scent he gave off were unfamiliar, it was a manly scent of rose which were symbolic of a flirtatious, lustful being. I detested the scent which irritated my sensitive nose, and it only grew stronger as he planted kisses down my body as if I was a piece of artwork, as if flaunting his possession of my body.

But it all stopped...For a long period, I felt like I was left behind, alone. It was almost like he deliberately left me in a cliffhanger, cruely leaving me craving for more. I was stucked in a position which I felt was openly grotesque with my limbs spread out, but I couldn't move an inch. I cried in my subconscious mind for him to relieve me from the agony but it was only silent tears that was unattended to. The droplets rolled down from the sides of my eyes and wet the bed which became drenched with my tears. The prolonged silence was like a black hole... Ryosuke, come back! I called desperately in my heart as if I demanded his unusual touches I detested earlier. I asked for him to stop, didn't i? He has always been listening to me, adhering to my request even if it was difficult... Ryosuke, sorry for not understanding...

....Was my pleas heard?

A familiar scent of lavender engulfed me and eased my tensed nerves, although a weight slammed on me at the same instance. I felt a pair of arms pressed against my bare chest, but the feeling wasn't intrusive as before, rather I felt only the pressure without action. The arm circled around me was not moving, and it wasn't only the arms I felt, but I also felt his face placed right beside mine. I could sense his warm, citrusy breathe that brushed against my face. This was the same smell I would die for...My heart pounded less urgently and my uneasiness soon resolved into calmness. The new felt presence gave me the same comfort and security that I was used to. The warmth radiating from his skin was stronger, shielding me from the strong gush of airconditioning that pierced through my skin. Our skin, our body, brushed against each other, collided unreservedly, as we held each other in a tight embrace to fight the cold surroundings. Even though my eyes were closed, I felt there was nothing physical standing in between us, it was almost like we were both bare and presented to each other in our most primitive form. Possibly I was as well, my body quickly heat up in his arms which circled around my waist, with my bulging chest pressed firmly against his firm torso, and instinctively, my arms reacted by pulling myself even closer. My hands seranade his back and my head rested comfortably at the crook of his neck.

(credit in picture)

It was a night that I could not see; I let only my senses take me through... It started out uncertain and seemingly dangerous but ended with such certainty as if I have been lifted and secured safely by the man in my dreams, the man I have known forever...

Ryosuke, I don't mind others not recognising our love, being invisible in their eyes. But I won't be able to be strong if I become invisible to you....I felt for once in my life, you couldn't see me...Just like when you brush past me in the concert hall full of glistening eyes, and you couldn't sense me, hear me, or see me. If you can't see me, if I am invisible to you, then I won't be able to do it....

Was it then a fragment of my imagination now, reflecting my yearning for you strengthening and triumphing against my fears? My unsettled heart, my fearful, crying heart seemed to ease as I hear your voice and your quiet breathing next to me...which seemed to utter to me that everything will be okay... I feel your touch even in my dreams. It became clearer to me, with the help of my subconscious mind, that it will be difficult to survive without you. Forgive my weakness which could have added to your stress, but I couldn't help it, cause losing you would be almost likened to killing me.

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Even though I am now in my least conscious state, but I cannot be wrong about your presence beside, cause everytime we touch, I get this same feeling, this static feeling. And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly. The unwarranted kiss you saw that day that stained my lips didn't give me that same feeling, I swear. It wasn't sweet like yours; it wasn't pure like yours; it most certainly did not make my heart skip a beat unlike with you. Can't you hear my hastened heartbeat whenever you seal your lips with mine? It didn't beat the same way with him, but you must have missed it, hence the misunderstanding. I need you by my side,Ryosuke, just like now...Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky, and they always wipe away tears I cry. You are here by my side through good and bad times, you make me rise when I fall, so to say goodbye is impossible.