I laid on my back, feeling extremely feverish with my body aching like a billion needles poking through my frail skin. Wearing only a black tanktop and a track pants, I tried to get a shut eye amid the discomfort. For the past few hours, I have dragged myself from the hospital where Umika was, back to my house. a simple task which takes at the very most a hour, was daunting and lengthy for me. along with the emotional heartbreak, it was enough to make my body tipped exhaustion. I pondered over Miku's words and those of Umika's parents, and was becoming paranoid of what will happen next. I thought frantically on how to salvage the issue and the more I thought that I might lose her, the faster my heart beats. cold sweat trickled down my forehead and moist my neck and chest.

 

I felt a pair of hands with a handkerchief running down my skin and was hopeful it was Umika. in the past months, all I've expressed was my irritation when she appears before me. I felt a surge of remorse run through my spine and was confident that I would not treat her the same way today, but when my eyes pry open effortfully, disappointment hits me. 

 

"oneesan.. Misaki..." my older sister Chihiro sat beside my bedside, brushing my wet hair that 

draped across my forehead and placing a cold compress on my forehead. while my younger sister gently wiped my moist skin to alleviate my discomfort.

 

"disappointed that it's not her?" oneesan asked confidently as though she was sure of the answer. I didn't say a word more and avoided her eyes.

 

"that's exactly your new developed flaw, Otoutou. you dare not face your true feelings... you'll live in regrets if you continue your way." 

 

"Oneesan, you are too stern. Niichan isn't feeling well," i saw Misaki's sympathetic gaze and she was patting me lightly.

 

"that's not an excuse. besides, it's his calling cos if he finally loses her, it's only him who will feel the impact"

 

I gave Misaki a smile to thank her for her kindness and reassure her that I'm fine. it seemed so easy to give the softer side of me to Misaki as compared to Umika, and it used to be the same.

 

"oneesan, I think I'm losing her soon..." 

 

my sisters looked at me with concerned eyes, afraid to hear what seemed to be coming. "what do you mean?"

 

"I hurt her really bad today, as you may have already heard. I am increasingly losing control of my temper as time goes by, and my abuse has infuriated the people who loved her as much as me." it was difficult to utter the words, as each word was heavy and piercing.

 

"they wanted her to leave you?"

 

"yes. oneesan, I know I've demanded her to disappear from my sight time and time again, and she has endured it and stayed by my side, now that she's really gonna leave, i can't let go. I didn't mean what I said. it was just all my venting of frustration. I didn't really want her to leave me. I don't think I can live without her around."

 

I could see hesitation in Chihiro's eyes when she uttered "she won't. leave you"

 

well, I don't blame my sister for saying something against her own believes. frankly, after all the harm I have inflicted on Umika, it was already surprising she didn't leave an inch from me, sticking by her promise out of either our strongly forged friendship and trust or out of sympathy and guilt. 

 

"but if she doesn't, I'm afraid I will only hurt her more. i don't even know what I want now..." my head throbbed and I pursed my lips in agony.

 

"even if she does leave you, you still have me, nichan! don't suffer by yourself okay?" Misaki slipped her small hand into mine and gave it a light squeeze. we looked into each others eyes and what transcended was the many memories of reliance and love between the 2 siblings. I forced a smile of gratitude while it didnt help me ease the fear of losing my one and only companion.

 

"the doctor did say if your blood clot clears, you'll recover. so just do your due diligence in the physiotherapy and I'm sure miracle will happen. don't think about unnecessary stuff now... what you need to do is to recover from your fever" Chihiro pulled the blanket over me and gave me a peck on the forehead before leaving my room with Misaki. 

 

not long after the total silence sets in, my eyelid grew heavier and gradually it shuts. i didn't know how long i was asleep, but it could probably be days of intense soul searching and isolation in bed.

 

Days after days, i did not hear from her. i meddled with my phone, hoping to receive her messages if not hear her concerned voice. it should have been a daily routine, but after that day she got scalded by my reckless behaviour, she never appeared before me again.

 

3 nights after that day, I as usual, shut myself in my room after barely ingesting some porridge my mum cooked. feeling bored and lonely, I quickly let myself to sleep.  I would have thought I drifted deep into my sleep, and I would have thought what I heard later were only an extension of my fear which manifested as my nightmare. I would have thought it is far from reality but not far from truth. but in actual fact, I was wrong...the truth hurts and it hurts so deep that my heart stopped pounding by the time the nightmare ended and left me abruptly.

 

"Umika dear? why are you here so late into the night?" my mum called out passionately.

 

"yamada-san...Chihiro oneesan, Misaki-chan... I'm sorry I only came today" she greeted with an apologetic tone. 

 

"it's alright... we should be sorry Ryosuke caused you so much distress and even injure you. your parents must be really upset. I'll find a time to visit your parents personally" my mother exclaimed. I felt so immensely useless that I could not even be responsible for my own mistakes.

 

"no no, I should be sorry for causing Ryosuke to be in this state. if I had been careful that day, he wouldn't be like this..."

 

"please don't say that... anyone would have done that, let alone Ryosuke who grew up with you. although he treats you harshly now, I'm sure he doesn't mean it nor hate you" my father added with voices of acknowledgement from my mother.

 

"anyway, Ryosuke is up in his room, let me bring you to him. he was worried about you these few days when you didn't turn up. he's probably sleeping, I'll wake him up" Chihiro said. i expected to hear footsteps approaching soon after, but there was no sound. instead I heard Umika's voice.

 

"Chotto Matte... actually my main reason for coming tonight is..." i focused my hearing in case I miss out something or hear wrongly. 

 

"to bid farewell" the three words were so deafening to my weak heart which started beating fast and irregularly. my eyes pry open and stared across the celling with tears accumulating at the corners of my reddened eyes. I was speechless. I bit my lips to fight the fear and shock, but I couldn't calm down at all. there were many questions in my mind, and I was impatient to find the answers.

 

"what do you mean? you going somewhere for holiday?" Misaki asked fearfully. I was hoping she said yes to Misaki's questions. a holiday, yes, it should be.

 

"not a holiday. I will be resettling in Singapore with my family. my father has been deployed to the office there and my parents decided to try out a new environment... the flights depart tomorrow so I thought it's only right to say goodbye before leaving"

 

"it can't be... you.. you are leaving because of my brother right? you are dumping him after you have had enough of him right!" Misaki raised her voice. I entwined my fingers on my bedsheets and clenched it between my fingers and fought back my tears while the throbbing in my heartstrings increased in intensity. my premonition was right... she's leaving me for good. why does it hurt so bad when I was already mentally prepared for it. 

 

"it's not like this..." I heard her cries but her reasons for leaving were most clear. Misaki was right. 

 

"Misaki, enough..." my father sternly warned and Misaki verbally retaliated but was shot down straightaway. I felt sorry for my sister who has always defended me and accompanied me regardless of what happens.

 

"will you ever be back?" my mother and father asked in unison.

 

"once my father is done with his business commitments and is keen on returning, we will. but I'm not sure when that will be," I could hear her voice cracking as my mother continues speaking.

 

"Umika dear... we have seen you grow up and now that we are to say goodbye, especially in such circumstances, it's really painful. you are our son's best friend and albeit short, you were his first girlfriend, so we want to thank you gratefully for everything. we know that some unhappy stuff happened which unfortunately led to the accident, but you must know that our feelings towards you, including that of Ryosuke's have not changed. he may be nasty to you and have inflicted harm on you, you know that's not him. I want you not to take all that has happened too hard upon yourself. I want you to at least leave without regrets. leave Ryosuke in our care. I hope the next time you see him, he'll be the loving boy we all knew, back on stage and living his dreams."my mother spoke in a sad tone that evoked my tears which rolled down the sides of my eyes.

 

"obasan..." her cries grew loud and muffled. i could almost imagined the watershed outside my door. 

 

"don't cry my dear. don't ever look back at your decisions. leave with no regrets. we all love you and hope to see you again."

 

"now now, dear, I think Umika wants to bid Ryosuke farewell too..." I heard my father say. my body stiffened. I didn't want let her see my tears, I didn't want to make her sadder. I have already hurt her too much, if she has decided to leave, I want her to leave at least with smiles. I brushed away my tears and turned to my sides with my back facing the door. I shut my eyes tight and feigned asleep. as soon as I heard the door swing open, my heart was already beating madly. her presence alone evoked my yearning for her and when she moved to my bedside, I was on the verge of holding her in my arms, but I fought back all inner temptations.

 

her silent sobbings pierce through my heart like blunt arrows, and for a long time, there was nothing other than her cries. I felt her tears wetting my sleeves and my exposed skin, at the same time, I was drowned in mine. it was almost like our hearts and minds were synchronized as one lonesome spirit that yell in desperation.

 

There was nothing other than a farewell that was required to communicated. it has always been so, I understood her, she understood mine. albeit everything that has dashed our mutual feelings, our feelings were still mutual. 

 

"Ryosuke..." she was struggling to speak. I felt her fingers run through my hair and tangled within. "Gomenasai..." she let out a continuous cry that left me gasping for breathe. I had to painfully bit my lips to suppress the heartache that could likely kill me. why should you apologise to me? why are you always apologizing...all I've ever done is to selfishly demand you for your accompany, selfishly claiming possession of you and Reno's incident only make it more apparent that I've always been insensitive to your feelings, keeping you by my side yet never gave you your due recognition. I only gave you uncertainty and unlimited hurt.

 

she pulled the blanket over my exposed shoulders until it covered securely. I sensed her lean forward and I could almost feel her sweet, alluring breathe brushed against my skin. then her soft, moist lips crashed upon my cheeks. the subtle peck sent an electrifying pulse across my veins. it should have warm my bleeding heart as always but this time, it only made the hole bigger and more excruciating. another drop of silent tear escaped from the sides of my eyes and a soft voice in my ears triggered off my temptations and broke my resistance. "sayonara, Ryosuke"

 

I could no longer control myself. it was as if I lost complete sanity. my mind was blank and the next I knew, I am sitting upright with my upper body bosoming her from her back. my firm arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders and my head buried within the crook of her neck, I let myself immerse in her warmth and scent like it was the last time I'll ever enjoy. 

 

 I wanted to explicitly say and emphasize that my love for you has never changed. Umika, I can't forgive myself for all the hurt I have caused you, and so I shall deny myself the chance to hold you back. I'm not sure how I can cope with your presence and non-presence but the latter would be the only way to protect you from me. perhaps like what you said the day of the accident, we are given a chance to live independently away from the reliance for each other and allow to grow and mature. recent events have only shown how vulnerable our relationship is and how we are not prepared to shoulder the heavy responsibility of our togetherness.

 

we both know that we cannot stay beside each other until the time we can face each other without guilt and remorse. the pain in our hearts will stay and the memories we forged will live for as long as we are alive, but time will possibly heal the torn heartstrings.

 

I pressed my lips against the back of her neck. my mind flashed back the many episodes that only the two of us shared ever since we became friends; all the things we have been through... it is no wonder we have always found it difficult to describe the unique relationship we have with each other, cause it was beyond words can explain. 

 

I finally gathered my guts and let go of my hands. without a word, I cupped her shoulders from the back and pushed her forward, away from me. 

 

"omedetou... you are free. I wish for your happiness. sayonara, Umika" I forced the last words.

 

I heard her choked on her tears and within a blink of my eye, she dashed out of my room and out my house. not once she turned around to look at me, and I'm happy she didn't. I have no courage to look in her eyes, and I'm sure she didn't dare too. if we did, we will waver.

 

I sat stationary on my bed, as though I lost my soul. I stared at the star necklace meant as a birthday gift which I never got the chance to deliver it into her hands. it used to shine like her dreamy eyes, but now it cries like her tears drops. I enclosed it in my palm and tightened it within my fist, while bracing the end of more than a decade long of friendship, trust, companionship and love.

 

******

Umika pov

 

I stood in the middle of the departure hall, with a pack of my closest friends surrounding me. After hours of standing in the open outside Yamada household and crying, I thought I would be the only one with swollen eyes, but I was shocked to see all of them with reddened eyes.

 

"Miku... Suzuka..." I called their names as I would if it was the last time. they were in tears but mine had already ran dry after shedding everything for Ryosuke. I threw my arms over the two and enclosed them in a tight embrace. the bond we shared was unleashed as memories flooded our minds like a flashback movie. "you'll call us right? we'll keep in contact right?" they both said in unison.

 

"yes... I will not forget you girls!" I promised. we finally brace the final goodbye and I paced my heavy steps towards the checkpoint. then another familiar voice made me put a temporary halt to my journey.

 

"Umika~" 

 

I turned around and saw a kind face which never fail to make my heart flutter.

 

"Dai-chan..."

 

even with the mask, I could still see through his disguise. he came closer and looked me through the eyes.

 

"Why are you here?" I asked with an undertone of surprise.

 

"you're my best friend and ex-girlfriend. of course I should send you off. I've also send my regards from Chinen and Yuto. they wanted to come, but they are busy with hey! say! 7 stuff."

 

"it'll be tough with only 3 people, but please watch over them, Dai-chan."

 

"I will... but as for you, away from your friends, including him, who you knew your whole life, will you be okay?" Daiki soften his gaze and looked right into her eyes. it was impossible to lie to Daiki cause although we only dated a while, we could read each other well. or rather, he could read me like an open book.

 

"I will try. don't worry Dai-chan. time will heal all wounds right," I gave him a smile. immediately after, I gasped when he pulled me into his arms and overwhelmed me with his warmth and affection, driving my heart beating both fast and slow. when my hands found a spot against his soft back. his protruding shoulder blade, his temperature and everything else gave the same vibe as Ryosuke, unfortunately jogging my yearning for the guy I have tried so hard since last night to bury away. but I found the hug particularly consoling and at times, I imagined he was Ryosuke holding me like a castle. it was all I needed at a desperate time like this.

 

"thank you, Dai-chan" I let a tear sealed my last moment with him and he brushed it away with his tender fingers.

 

"leave with a smile and come back with a smile okay. I don't know what fate has in stall for us in the future, I don't know if we could still be like this when we meet next time, but you'll be in my heart for sure. thank you for everything, Umika," he sincerity was transmitted through his deep gaze that was glittering with his tears.

 

I returned a smile before finally leaving his touch. I turned back after waving a final goodbye and swore not to turn back. my heart burned with the hope of him calling my name at the last second. it could have been my yearning echoing so loud in my brain that I thought I sensed a pair of eyes from my back. I stood still and closed my eyes, then the presence became more apparent like there were only the 2 of us and no one else. 

 

my tears rolled in my eyes but never fell. I let a painful smile glisten on my face and tried my hardest not to let it falter.

 

"sayonara my best friend."

 

****

the boy in wheels, with his usual black benie clenched his heart to ease the piercing pain. streams of tears rolled down his already damped face as he uttered the words of the song which accurately expressed his feelings.