"it's okay to come. he won't be there today." Daiki spoke on the phone after Hirunandesu filming. 

Chinen paced towards Daiki and leaned on him, but got shoved aside as an irritant, causing him to pout like a puppy.

"un... I'll be there, but I'll be slightly late. Yuto and Chinen would be there. ah Miku would be there too," Daiki ignored Chinen's pouts and continued speaking on the call.

"... alright. see you!" Daiki hung up and finally paid attention at Chinen who was curious at who the person is.

"who's that?" he asked.

"someone we know" Daiki concentrated on packing his stuff while Chinen slumped on a sofa in the waiting room.

"duh... anyway, are you done yet? the rest are bugging me if we are arriving soon. they're waiting for us before they start. it's a long drive from here isn't it."

"yeah. give me a minute. here, take my car keys and go to my car first. I'll be here in a jiffy"

"okay.. come quick ne" Chinen reminded before going off excitedly. On his way to Daiki's car, his phone rang and he thought it would be Miku who was making her way to the Christmas party herself.

"Moshi Moshi..." he picked up the phone without looking at the caller ID. but there wasn't a need to when the person on the other line spoke. 

"Chine..."

"ah Ryosuke. I thought it was Miku. what's up?"

"I'll be going later, and I'll bring a friend with me"

"honto! that'll be great. it'll be a full JUMP then." Ryosuke could hear Chinen literally jumping when the latter made the remark.

He laughed then replied, "could you send me the address again. I'll be a little late cause I need to pick up my friend first"

"hai I'll send it to you right now. Daichan and I will be late too cause he just finished his filming"

"soka. okay, then see you there later, Chine." he said before ending the call. A mere 1 minute is sufficient to raise Chinen's excitement. joined by his best friend could make Chinen happy the whole day. he shoved away his impatience and waited for Daiki to come.

*****
It was a BBQ restaurant so naturally the confined place was smoked with cooked meat that salivate the patrons. Today, the restaurant was fully booked by its exclusive guests of former students from Horikoshi High and friends of them. this made it comfortable for many of them who were celebrities. JUMP members sat separately in order to mingle with friends they hadn't met for long. Mirai, Suzuka, Kento, Miku sat with Chinen, Yuto, Daiki, and even Ryunosuke who was invited to come. it was a star studded gathering, and the non-celebrities were all perked up to enjoy the night catching up with insider scoops and snapping photos of their once celebrity classmates.

But the biggest scoop would most likely be the one by Ryosuke who instantly stole the limelight when he entered.

"yamada-kun and.... Kawaguchi-san?" many murmured when they saw him entering the restaurant with Haruna close behind him and her fingers entwined with his. JUMP members, particularly Chinen and Daiki were most stunned.

"since when...did the two of you become a couple?" Chinen was curious to know.

"not too long ago, but we are still trying out so I didn't alert you guys" Ryosuke replied while Haruna blushed immensely.

everyone was curious, but Daiki was not. Daiki was trembling and almost petrified cause the situation he feared most was about to happen and there's no way he could handle it within such short notice. his most fearful situation flashed right before his eyes before he could even consolidate his thoughts.

"minna, sorry, I'm late..." a new voice came echoing from behind. everyone was simply too preoccupied with Ryosuke's shocking revelation that those who knew the attendee list has forgotten that there was someone else in the list whom could potentially cause the awkwardness through the night. Daiki was the only one with a mind clear enough to remember. when they realised it was simply too late. she has entered from behind Ryosuke and Haruna, entirely oblivious to the situation.

Her voice came across as too familiar to him, too memory jerking for him that he naturally turned around. when he did, he found himself lost for words. his mouth opened in a daze, unable to return to his senses, and Haruna noticed all of it. She knew at once the girl who just entered was someone he knew so well, someone who shared a past with him that both are unable to recover from. It was from the girl's similar expression that she knew there was something she was not told and has a gut feel that it implicated the horrible car accident that temporarily crippled Ryosuke. He let go of Haruna's hands in an instance and anyone who's sensitive to that action felt the tension arising. whatever the two were unable to say, the surroundings filled the blanks for them.

"U-Umika..." Daiki stammered nervously. the murmurs were daunting and finally the first of the two to respond was her.

"I miss all of you" Umika bowed to all politely and took a while to scan the many glances laid upon her until her eyes resettled back on him. She revealed a subtle, yet secretly awkward smile and he did likewise, although slightly delayed.

"welcome back..." he said in a tone as though it was the first time they have ever met. it was extremely formal as the two friends who were once inseparable shook hands like they were business associates.

"thank you." she replied.

this tensed greeting was juxtaposed with how the two soulmates used to tease each other at greetings, giving each other punches and surprises from the back everytime they met. 

Instead of waiting for Ryosuke to take initiative to introduce his girlfriend, Umika stretched out her hand to Haruna "yoroshiku onegaishimasu. I'm Umika Kawashima. I was once from Horikoshi too" That was how she chose to introduce herself, not as childhood friends with Yamada Ryosuke, or his ex-girlfriend, but as merely schoolmates. Haruna knew there was more than meet the eyes but was convinced that knowing too much wouldnt help. he stretched out her hand and courteously shook Umika's hand while introducing herself.

"Konnichiwa. Kawaguchi Haruna. nice to meet you."

"you two are amazing ne. Kindaichi and Miyuki are actually a couple. if fans know about this, they'll be so happy for the 2 of you....being with your first kiss partner, that's really fortunate" she could have continued praising the 2 if it wasn't because he wanted her to stop. hung by the tips of his lips was a soft, very soft rumbling "yamette..." his annoyance made the tension greater, and it was eventually Yuto and Chinen who brought Ryosuke and Haruna to their seats while Mika and Daiki took Umika to hers. 

"Say Umika, what are your plans from now? are you returning for good?" Kento asked, but surely everyone especially those who knew her very well wanted to know.

"I haven't decided though. I'm back to settle some stuff, then I'll see how it goes if I should rejoin my parents in Singapore" she said lightheartedly.

It was out of forgetfulness of his position that he blurted out his sincere words of concern "if you need any help here, feel free to call us" Ryosuke said.

She nodded politely with thanks, and that alone communicated the extensive gap between them, such that they were even more apart than friends. Their eyes avoided each other, though when both were distracted by something else, they will observe the other secretly. 

While everyone was busy chatting, the table they occupied were dead quiet, with the few of them drowning in alcohol. Umika and Ryosuke warm their throats with cups after cups of soju without pauses, playing along with random jokes just to ease the awkwardness that their same table mates, Chinen, Miku, Daiki, Yuto, Suzuka and Mirai were trying to reduce. Haruna just sat beside Ryosuke, unable to come into the clique's collective memory. 

"Haruna-chan, can i call you that?" Umika sounded drunk but persisted to feign her sober. 

"sure, you can. Umika-chan, are you okay? you seemed drunk." Haruna asked, then Ryosuke instantly turned around to look.

"I'm okay. my tolerance is high" 

"as if..." Ryosuke muttered under his breathe, but Umika heard it clearly. she felt the urge to explain herself "I trained myself in Singapore." she said irritably. Ryosuke too felt that she was implying that she has changed and that he is not aware of the new her to make that judgement. He rolled his eyes and let them continue their conversation, but the conversation ended indefinitely.

"gomene minna. I think i have imposed you guys long enough. I shall get going." Umika stood up with an intense feeling that she has spoilt the fun for everyone, especially those at her table, with her sudden appearance.

"what do you mean? the gathering was meant for everyone including you," Daiki exclaimed and the rest nodded. Ryosuke looked at her with deep concern, knowing that he was the reason why she was keen to leave. and her avoidance of his gaze only suggested that he was right. 

"I appreciate that but I've something on so I think I should get going."

"Umika... I will walk out with you." Miku stood up, wanting to accompany her best friend.

"Daijoubu Miku. I don't wanna steal you from Chinen," she teased, and the couple blushed as the limelight was shifted to them. 

"bye minna..." she didnt give any opportunity for anyone to hold her back and the next instance, she was on her way out of the restaurant with full determination not to turn back. But Ryosuke was the one who could not hold back himself. there's so many questions in his mind he wanted to ask her, 'how did she live in that 2 years, how can he contact her?' to him, they're forever friends, but how could she have maintained such distance from him in that barely an hour of reunion, like as if they didnt know each other. he leaped onto his feet but before he could motion towards the door where she has exited, a pair of soft hands grabbed his arm. it wasn't Haruna, for she is still lost in the conversation. Ryosuke was dragged to the back of the restaurant where the air was alot fresher and being away from public eyes also mean he could finally relieve himself from the daunting staring game.

"why did you hold me back Mirai?" Ryosuke looked at her curiously.

She loosened his arm as she turned to face him with a stern face.

"why do you wanna do that when you are not prepared to face her? in fact, I think both of you are not ready to face each other. you're just gonna hurt her with your ficklemind."

Ryosuke hear her words seriously and sat onto an alleviated pavement with his back slouching so much like it was just too heavy to straighten. Mirai took a seat beside him and enclosed her arm around his shoulder. she could clearly hear him sigh before speaking in a discouraging tone "you're always right, Mirai. I am not ready to face her. I'm scared of facing her, I don't know what to say to her either if you hadn't hold me back. I thought I was ready to move on and live my life without her, but why did she come back?!"

"your heart wavered isn't it?" she asked abruptly. Ryosuke has always known Mirai as a straightforward girl and someone who is good at reading minds, but as they graduate from Horikoshi, he watched her become more feminine and soon developed anxiety everytime they interacted. they haven't been hanging out as much as before and this gathering today came almost like a long time for most of them. 

Ironically, instead of anxiety he is feeling, it was more of gratitude as she could provide him some comfort in the midst of his internal struggle, especially she could read him accurately.

His non-response clearly revealed his wavering heart. "it's not easy, no one said it's gonna be. the two of you grew up together, it will take a long time to move on. what's more important is your intention and decision."

Her words make him confuse. he looked at her for further explanation and she gave what he needed. answers.

"if you have decided to move on and take Haruna's hands, then work towards that instead of looking back. you've already created an irreparable damage and tried your best to make it less hurtful to let her go. make those heartbreaks worthwhile. don't regret what has past cause then everything done would be for nothing. just try to move on, Ryosuke."

Tears welled up in his eyes and clouded his view, but it didnt matter anymore. light was shed on the path that has always been there to guide him and Mirai has only helped make it clearer. "can I?" he asked her sincerely with his glance and hers interlocking with each other.

"you can. I believe you Ryosuke. I'm sure your buddies are always here for you too," she said with a sweet smile gradually widening upon her face that was highly infectious. soon his smile became evident under the moonlight, no longer heavy and pretentious, but light and soft. "thank you Mirai" and they sat with each other until the end of the gathering, allowing the anxiety inside to untwine itself with time, just like his.

there's only one person who was still burdened. she stood from the back door, hoping to be there for Ryosuke but she couldn't cause she didnt know him well enough to know what happened. she don't want to force him to tell her his past, but she hoped he could at least let her in. she was willing to try, and her fallen tear however has revealed her weakness.

****
"Umika!" Daiki harshly grabbed her hands as she almost dashed across the busy road. She showed her blank face which was an indication to Daiki that things aren't right.

"Are you crazy? those cars could knock you down!" he couldn't control his anger and when he realised he was too fierce to her, he quickly made up for it, "Gomenasai. i didnt mean to shout at you. did you get hurt?" 

taking a deep breathe to calm down from the emotions she was hiding, she then said with a steady tone "I'm okay. thank you Daichan"

"I meant your heart too... does it hurt?" 

Umika looked at Daiki's questioning eyes and realised he read her all. still she wanted to insist on her pretentious courage which was getting difficult to keep up. but she knew that if she decided to lean on Daiki for once, she would have let herself fail forever and she would never be able to grow out of the past. "no it doesn't."

He sighed at her stubbornness, but that was really what he expected from the first time he befriended her. he knew the way to maneuver around it and that's to offer himself when she needs one. "you know you can contact me if you need anything. promise me you'll do that."

"I will. Daichan, thanks for always being here for me," she smiled with delight and gratitude beyond words.

"but isn't there something you owe me...what are your plans here, now that you are back? you should have some plans right. just now, you just didnt want to reveal it but now there's just me."

"Daichan, I know what you're worried about. Im alone here but I'm really okay. Tokyo is my home so I am familiar with most things. I promise you if I needed help, I won't hide from you alright."

"Umika..." Daiki felt like she didnt want to say and she's so secretive about it that no matter how he pry for information, she just wouldn't say.

"Daichan, my new number, only you have it. please don't give it away. can you promise me that too?" he nodded reluctantly to her request which was clearly intended for one purpose, to hide from Ryosuke.

"did you call him that day when you asked me for his number?"

"I did, but I hung up. I am glad I pulled back cause obviously I was worrying too much. it was all unnecessary, since he has moved on so well. I am really happy now that he has Haruna-chan by his side"

"sou. I didnt know about the two of them until today," Daiki revealed.

"honto... he's always so sneaky isn't it. anyway, Daichan, I really have an appointment so I'll get going first. you go back and have fun ne." she caught on the pedestrian crossing at the last second so Daiki didn't manage to catch her. He still didnt know where's she living, what's she busy with here... and that adds to his doubts and uneasiness. but the most obvious among her lies was...

"Umika, your tears in your eyes have exposed your lies. you are hurting"

****
That night, Ryosuke cancelled his plans to return to his family house but his own. He bathed then donned on only a pair of sleep trousers before he collapsed on his soft bed, with eyes dazed on the celling and his arms crossed on the back of his head. He forced himself to stop thinking about her, but everytime he tried, more of their memories would emerge. Tossing and turning, turning and tossing, and even resorting to covering himself wholly with his blanket didnt seem to break out the voices in his head. He gave up and took his phone which he has put aside since the gathering. furthermore, he was just too occupied in his thoughts to look at  his phone.

First unread message.

"Ryosuke,

I had fun today. Thank you. I don't know what happened but I hope you'll cheer up. if you need me, I'll be your listening ear.

Haruna."

Second unread message

"... Ryosuke, I'll understand if you don't wanna continue anymore. don't worry about me. good night.

Haruna"

Ryosuke sat up on his bed and felt the nervousness in his heart upon reading Haruna's messages. he realised how he had made her uneasy throughout the night and she was only trying to make him better by accommodating him with her ever cheerful character.  he could still imagine her maintaining her smile in her last message. He quickly dialed her number though it was already way past midnight, hoping he could hear her voice and when the call finally got through, he breathed a sigh of relieve.

"Haruna-chan~" he exclaimed immediately.

"Ryosuke? you haven't slept yet? it's already 2am," she sounded worried for him despite the fact that she herself was the one who's hurt.

"i cant sleep. anyway you are awake too. Haruna-chan, you should be asleep, since you have photo shoot tomorrow right?"

" I can't sleep too. but it wouldn't affect my work tomorrow, it starts in the late morning."

"I see. it's still better for your skin to sleep early. but Im at fault for your sleepless night. Gomenasai, Haruna"

"heh? no no, don't misunderstand. it's nothing about you" she said but he knew she was clearly saying a white lie to reduce his guilt.

"it's okay. I know I was a jerk just now. I broke the connection in front of everyone. I'm sorry I made you feel uneasy.i was only obsessed with my own feelings I neglected yours."

"you didn't mean it so don't be too hard on yourself. I don't know what happened between you and Umika-san but I guess it hurt the both of you so I totally understand. I wasn't much help for you earlier."

"Haruna... I'll tell you... I will tell you everything that happened, everything before the accident. give me sometime, I'll let you know the whole of me offscreen."

"you will? Ryosuke... don't force yourself" her voice was cracking when she heard his reply. She was so touched she couldn't believe her ears. she didnt trust what she heard.

"why wouldn't I. I shouldn't be keeping things from you. besides, I need you."

"need me? I was helpless just now..."

"I need you to hold on to me. it's really unbecoming of me to say but I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I need you to stop me from looking back, to hold me tightly whenever I feel the weight, just like today. It's difficult to forget someone who has been a big part of my life, but if there's someone else I hope to protect then maybe I can."

"that someone you're trying to forget is Umika?"

"... she was my best friend, my soulmate, my love..." he elaborated and it sheds light on a heartbreaking story he promised to tell gradually. "I shouldn't be depriving you of your nap time. but since I already did, Haruna, let me come and fetch you to work tomorrow. then you can rest in my car without worrying about your image. I do know that car pooling for models is a source of gossips, so maintaining image in company car is important. my elder sister is in modelling too."

"ah. no wonder you know so well. thank you so much. I'll accept your offer if it's not too tiring for you. it's your off day after all."

"no, I'm fine. I've no plans tomorrow anyway. so I'll see you tomorrow at 9am, oyasumi Haruna."

"oyasumi." 

they both had an ease of mind and especially so for Ryosuke who managed to at least resolve one tangled heart. talking to Haruna took some of his misery away and the message that came right after made him smile widely, and brought him to sleep.

"Ryosuke.., don't think about anything now. let your mind go blank. trust me, it'll help you fall asleep.

Haruna"

*****
Donning a kimono and traditional wooden clogs, she maneuvered past the tables of male patrons at the time of the day when everyone should already be deep asleep. With the tray on her hand, she served the cups of cocktail to the lustful customers with the portrayal of a submissive lady. The discomfort of the outfit, aching feet and heavy eyelids after a long night, her arms are already trembling, but the disgusting greetings she had to say made her work even more daunting.

"Master, here's your drinks. please enjoy" she bent almost 90degree with full respect, then turned her back to walk away to serve other customers and more importantly to avert from the awfully sick gazes of the 2 rows of working men.

"hey, you look really tired. have a seat..." one of them pulled her back and she fell perfectly onto his lap. 

"please don't..." she struggled to get up but it was impossible with the strong arms encircling her waist. the mocking gazes humiliated her so terribly to a point of letting out her cries but she held onto it as she told herself not to. Eventually she gave up trying to run away, she let him leave intimidate kisses and love bites on her lips and her neck.

"you've got the hang of it, Umika-san. not bad for a beginner. I've told you we pay better than a regular maid cafe. and here you earned the bonus for the day" her boss stuffed her an additional 5,000 yen, from her daily 10,000yen. 

"arigatou" she said with a hateful expression that her boss never favored, but gave up reminding her to smile more. As she walked out of her workplace in her home clothes, she found herself crushing the earned money under her fist then looked at the crumpled notes from her hand. She took a deep breathe and tilted her head upwards but still a tear escaped and splashed on the cash on her hand. 

"there's still barely enough. what should I do..." she asked the moon and the stars while she recalled the fierce landlady who threatened to kick her out of the rental room if she continues to delay payment of the rents. it has been barely 3 days since she returned but she was already feeling pessimistic about how things are turning for her. living standards are too unaffordable from what she recalled before she left. worst, there's no one she could rely on, now that she lost the only one she ever allow herself to depend on. indeed, she has been trying so hard to lie to Daiki that she's alright with life and with the news of his new relationship, but the truth is she's not. her subconsciousness say it all when her feet bringing her to the street where the Yamada house was. She stood across the road and reminisced the all-too-familiar apartment that even with her mind not in concentration, she could still make her way here; a route that she can never forget even if her brain is damaged.

"Umika?" a voice called out, but before discerning the caller approaching from the shadows, she just brisk walk to escape without thinking further.

"Umika!!!" the caller sped up and finally caught her. 

"it's you, I knew I hadn't see wrongly" a female turned Umika around to face her and she regretted not having run away.

"Misaki..." she smiled awkwardly.

"it's great to see you again! since when were you back? I didn't hear my parents say. does my brother know about it?"

"yes. I just met him at the Horikoshi gathering. I didnt get the chance to inform everyone though. sorry Misaki" she lied.

"ah, it's okay. I would expect my brother to tell me tomorrow. anyway, how are you? where are you staying now?"

"I'm only here to run some errands, then since I'm here, I wanted to take a slow walk down memory lane." another lie. she didnt even dare to say it was her yearning for her brother that brought her back here.

"but you don't look so well, and you are limping. oh gosh your feet looks a bit swollen. it must be the clog shoes and the kimono" she eyed the bag of clothes from her work and then said "why not sleepover at my home tonight since it's already almost dawn. besides, my parents would love to see you"

"it's okay, Misaki, thanks for the offer" secretly she was hoping to see Ryosuke again but she didnt have the strength to hold back herself should she see him once more.

"you don't have to be awkward around us. my parents didnt mind what happened before, and they kinda missed you a lot too. and if you are afraid that it'll be awkward to face my brother, don't worry. he's not staying with us anymore."

"heh?" her heart sunk when she found out she has been looking at an architecture that no longer contained her yearnings.

"he didnt tell you? he bought a small apartment near his company. he thought it's time to be self-sufficient and he didnt want to burden us with all the public attention from his fans. My sister recently bought a house too. so it's just me and my parents occupying this apartment now. there's more than enough rooms to accommodate you and my parents will love some companions after they moved out."

"I see. it's okay, Misaki. it's not convenient for me too. thank you for the invite anyway. it's really getting late, you should get home and rest too" Umika exclaimed with the intention to end the conversation.

"if you insist, okay then. you should get a rest too. oh are you having a new number? please give me..." Misaki innocently enquiries and it was difficult for Umika to turn away her request. Umika took the phone Misaki has drew out from her pockets, and she keyed in her new number as she required.

"thank you, Umika. goodnight! we'll meet up before you depart again okay."

"will do. good night" Umika raced away as she felt her heart unable to calm down anymore. but still, the younger girl called her back.

"Chotto matte, Umika. you dropped this," she revealed to Umika a receipt from the pawnshop where an object has been exchanged for 50,000 yen.

"ah, arigatou" Umika quickly took it back. This raised suspicion for Misaki who felt that Umika was overreacting.

"are you in need of money?" she asked directly since she was never one who likes beating around the bush.

"of course not. it's my friend's. I helped her pawn it away. thank you Misaki and bye!" Umika didn't wait for her response and ran away immediately in the speed of light.

First the tired appearance, the kimino outfit, the swollen feet, roaming around in the late night, the receipt, all made Misaki suspicious of her and being her, she won't shove it aside until all mysteries are solved. She took up her phone and messaged the one person she thought would be interested to find out her secrets.