Uneasiness
Friends Foreverthe days ahead were simply tormenting. he's back from Malaysia, but somehow I preferred he hasn't come back. since that day, we never talked, even in school he treated me like a stranger, never looking in my eyes. i felt like I'm worst than a stranger.
I don't even know what's going on anymore. I thought we were best friends, I thought we said our friendship will last an eternity. this could be the longest Cold War we ever had.
I walked along the street to the park we always played in. my mind recalled the week's interaction and my heart cringed.
/flashback/
-first school day after the incident-
after learning from Chinen and Yuto that he's in class, I ran to find him, to make sure he's okay. when I saw him, he's wearing a mask, covering the bruises on his face. normally he'll roll up his sleeves, but today, he covered up his arms, probably for the same reasons.he was staring out of the window, into the blue sky. he looked depressed, and I felt heartbroken seeing him like that.
"Ryosuke~" he was startled by my call.
he didnt respond, he looked at me briefly and then turned back.
"let me see your face~" I went to the seat in front of him and faced myself at him. I stretched out my hand to remove the mask on his face but before I could, he pushed my hand away.
"I'm fine. I'm going to the washroom" he replied coldly and stood up, leaving me staring blankly as he left the classroom.
This wasn't the most hurtful.
2 days after, in the school canteen during lunch, I saw his regular clique but no sign of him. I approached Chinen and Yuto and they told me he takeaway a bento back to class. they said he hasn't been lunching with them the past few days, he didnt talk as much to anyone either. they asked if something happened since they're equally worried about him isolating himself, but I couldn't answer, cause he didnt tell me either. but one thing for sure, he's acting this way because of me. moreover, that day's incident will remain a secret. I know he doesn't wanna tell anyone about it.
I ran to his classroom, but I didn't see him. I know he'll be there, he's always there when he's down. I ran to the rooftop and I was right. he's munching on his bento and chatting with Mirai. he seemed comfortable with her, at least he's smiling, though it isn't as shining as before. I thought they already broke up, but it seemed like he rather see her than me.
"Umika! hi, join us!" Mirai spotted me hiding behind the pillar. I noticed his expression sank. I swore I saw him sigh like as though he loathed to see me.
Mirai came and pulled me over and then said she has something to do, so she dashed off immediately after.
I didnt know what to say to him, but the awkward silence was frustrating.
"your bento looks nice" I looked at his expressionless face. he didn't respond until after a long pause.
"you have it then" he stood up and started moving towards the exit, leaving me alone again with his bento.
"Chotto matte! where are you going?" I shouted at his back.
"back to class" he answered reluctantly. I didn't know how to continue and so he left.
that is one of the few times I actually cried over him. for once, i feel he's so mean. have I been taking his kindness for granted all this while? I want the old Ryosuke back! I prayed.
3 days after the incident, I thought I really needed to confront him. there's no way I can handle the stress he's inflicting on me.
Yuto said he's missing his vocal practice for an extra remedial with the teacher. he never consults his teacher, he normally ask me for help cause he said he doesn't like talking to teachers one-on-one. he's avoiding me for sure, or he'll not be doing something he hates. I ran to the library and I quickly found him sitting alone, buried in stacks of books.
I ran up to him and went straight to the point, in case he found an excuse to leave again.
"Ryosuke! why are you treating me like this! do you know it hurts! and mister, you're the one who did something wrong, why are you punishing me this way" he raised his head to look at me.
"sorry." that was the only word he said. it was technically what my question require, and there's all I got. nothing more, nothing less. I was so furious at the straight answer that I wanted to hit him, but the teacher came back.
"ah Umika-san. Gomenasai, Yamada-kun isn't done yet. are you waiting for him to go home?"
I wanted to answer but he responded instead, "no, sensei. I've practice later. she just came to say hi"
I felt so hurt like as if he just harshly pushed me away. since I'm unwanted here, I should just leave. I ran away, giving him a second glance along the way, thinking he'll be concerned about me, but he didn't. he returned to his books. tears just overflowed from my eyes the instant I got out of the school.
earlier today, during physical training lesson, both our classes were on the field. I can't take my eyes off him. he's standing with Chinen and though Chinen is still very much fooling around with him, he seemed less cheerful. both our classes had a soccer match, and like everyone knew, their class is much better at it. 5:1 is the score at half time. but an accident happened. my head wasn't in the game, rather my eyes is fixed on Ryosuke. Suddenly, the ball flew and hit right on my chest, sending me flying a few steps back before falling on my . the impact on my chest was so great that I felt a sharp pain.
"Umika!!!" the students went hysteria as they shouted my name and running towards me. I thought I was hearing things, cause I did hear Ryosuke's voice amongst the other concerned voices. but he stood at his position, one of the few who didnt move towards me. if it's in the past, he will definitely be the first one to comfort me.
"Yamada-kun! shouldn't you come and take a look at Umika? your high speed ball just hurt her." Mirai shouted.
what? it's his ball? he kicked it? was I in the way of the ball or was it deliberate. no, it can't be the latter. but whatever it is, my heartache was really excruciating, much worst than the injury itself. I am controlling my tears cause it's embarrassing to have 2 classes, with celebrities amongst them, to see me cry.
Miku and Chinen offered to bring me to the nurse clinic. Chinen held me by his side and supported my weight. it should have been Ryosuke, I thought. it's shy to have someone else holding me. at the corner of my eyes, I saw Ryosuke walking towards the opposite direction.
Miku and Chinen stayed in the clinic until the nurse is done checking on me.
"does it hurt?"
"yes, a little" I told the nurse.
"Yamachan's ball is always impactful. his ball can kill" Chinen said.
"oh it's his. then why isn't he here with his best friend" the nurse joked, only to realise the mood turned really awkward. luckily, Suzuka came in to ease the tension.
"Umika! are you feeling better?" she asked.
I nodded.
"here, apply this. you'll feel better!" she handed a brand new bottle of lotion.
"arigatou Suzuka! you're the best! you actually went out to buy this for me" I unbottled the lotion
"er... I didn't buy this. Someone else asked me to pass it to you." Suzuka said.
"someone else?" is it him, I wondered. I was almost sure of my guess when Chinen feigned a cough.
it was heartening but still it pains me that he wasn't the one passing to me directly.
/end of flashback/
as I continued walking down the street, my heart felt heavy, but yet there's this hopeful feeling that everything will be resolved tonight. just moments ago, I received a message from him, a message which came almost 1 week after the incident.
Umika,
sorry to disturb you this late into the night. if you're feeling better, could you meet me at our usual place at 9pm.
I hope you'll come.
-Ryosuke-
no emoticons, no upbeat languages... the message came so abrupt. I really wondered what he wants to say.then I saw him sitting on the swing, the swing that captured much memories. we used to play together on the swing since young.
I looked at him and then a thought came up in my mind. the conversation will be solemn unless I do something about it. why not do what we always do to each other. I sneaked up behind him and gave his swing a hard push!
"wahhhhh!" he jumped out of his swing and the scene was hilarious!
"oi! Umika! you~!"
I laughed at his epic expression and the laugh actually hurt my wound from morning.
"Itai!" I exclaimed.
he ran forward and asked "are you alright?" instead of responding, I gave him a smile. he's back to his usual gentleness, and I'm glad.
"nandayo Umika~" he giggled. suddenly he looked at me into the eyes, it seemed as though he's about to break down in tears. I don't know why but I just feel like saying,
"I miss you Ryosuke!"
in response, he threw his arms over me and tightly squeezed me in his embrace.
"oi Ryosuke, I'm suffocating~" I smiled with a relief that it seemed like we're okay now. but my smile sank right after. that happiness only lasted less than a minute.
with me still in his arms, he cried "Gomenasai Umika."
I patted his back and comforted him, "it's okay. silly. I know you didn't mean it. what's more, you are my best friend, I won't hate on you"
he pulled away from me slightly and looked at me intensely with tears rolling out from his eyes.
"Gomenasai, I ~ I have to surrender my position as your best friend .. I've to give up my best friend."
his words echoed in my heart and soul. my heart almost stopped beating.
I laughed in cynicism. "just for that?! i said I'm okay!"
"no... it's more than just that. I'll end up hurting you more and more, and i dont want that to happen cause that's the last thing I wanna do to you. trust me, even up till now, you're really important to me."
"don't say such ironical stuff! if I'm important then you won't say such stuff to me! I don't wanna listen to you. bye!" I turned around but only to be pulled back by him.
"I'm not done saying. these days, I really don't know how to face you. it hurts me so much when I have to ignore you. I really don't want to do this, but I have no other choice. I really have no confidence in behaving the way I did with you for the past 18 years! If we continue this friendship, I'll definitely end up hurting you. and at the end of the day, we'll be worst than strangers! I am really scared this will happen!you're the only non-artiste friend who know me for who I am"
"why would that happened?!" I was confused and hurt.
"b-because I ~ I don't even see you as my best friend, no matter how hard I tried!"
"what are you talking about?!!!!!" I screamed at him, feeling extremely frustrated over his incomprehensible words.
"overtime my possessiveness will just get stronger, and the incident like last week will just keep happening. this is just gonna ruined everything we shared all these 18 years, and it'll be tiring for both of us. it's already painful this week for us."
he walked a few steps away from me and spoke his last sentence, "lets just keep a distance, Umika. it'll be painful at first, but at least in the long run, it's gonna be better for us." i grabbed his arm and attempted to stop him from moving away from me.
"Gomenasai Umika! if you ever have any troubles, I'll still be there for you. but it's goodbye for now" he cried and ran away right after, not turning back
I knelt on the hard ground and cried the hardest I could. my whole heart feels like as though it's breaking apart. i tried to shut my mind from memories of him which kept flashing in my mind, all the happy and sad occasions that we spent through the 18 years. they are all vividly carved in my heart and there's no way I could erase it. I don't know how he could have uttered those words. since when did he not want to be my best friend! possessiveness??? so what am I to him???!!! I don't know what he's saying, but all I know he wants to end this friendship.
Why Ryosuke?!!!!!!!
what will become of us?
do I have to become your fan to continue showing you concern
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