it has been months since JUMP stood on stage, performing their latest hits in the venue they are more than familiar. Everything was in status quo but one difference kept them in solemn. in fact it was not only them, but the audience too who majority came in a coordinated shade of white. the 8 boys stood staring at each other and knew certainly this wasn't part of the agency's plans. they peeked through the red curtains and saw pockets of spaces scattered all over Tokyo Dome and needn't require anyone to account for the unsold tickets. it was deja vu for them as they recalled the same situation when Ryutaro exited the group. more prominently than before, the banners 'ALWAYS TEN!" were put across the stadium, vivid reminding how spacious the stage appeared. The atmosphere was dense and they were all suffocating, particularly Yuto who sat away from the other 7.

Chinen noticed and paced himself towards the quiet one. He propped his petite body beside him and wrapped his arms around the taller one.

"Im sorry, Yuto..." Chinen softly spoke with a tone of remorse. Yuto looked at Chinen's discouraged face and was lost as to what the phrase implied.

"what for?"

"my request that day was a mistake. I gave everyone hope then I dashed it... maybe it would have been less daunting if we went ahead as planned"

"silly... that's not true. if it had been earlier, I would have felt worst. at least now, I feel better prepared. it's just that I've suddenly thought of something..."

"what is it?"

"when we were still juniors, there was once I'm sick and he has to stand in for me. then he was noticed by the management cos he did so well. that period, he was only our backups and in a blink of an eye, he shot to fame and joined JUMP... I was jealous cos as he moved to the center, I was shoved to the back. bcos of my own inner devil, I started not to talk to him and things only became better not too long ago... now, it all seemed so surreal that the reverse is happening. perhaps we were fated to seize each other's opportunities and excel in opposition with the other. but one thing for sure, he won't be so narrow minded as me."

Yuto's voice was cracking as he spoke and Chinen knew he was fighting his tears. He patted his back to console his shattering heart, while suppressing his own silent cries.

"sou...then there's something else you should know.." Yuto looked blankly at Chinen. "He most certainly wouldn't brood over stuff like this before a concert. let your mind blank and focus solely on the stage and your audience. Yuto, you can do it!" Chinen gave a gesture of confidence that led Yuto to smile. Yuto leapt on his feet and left Chinen alone as he went off the make his last minute preparation before the show goes live.

Chinen should have done as he preached to Yuto but he couldn't help recalling a particular conversation that happened after the incident.

Seated round the table with his other members and the managers and instructors, the group discussed about the arrangements for the new album which has been put on hold. Chinen couldn't concentrate with the empty seat beside him. His eyes dazed at the cold vacant seat while trying his best to agree with the upcoming plans, but unfortunately he can't.

"Sorry, Minna... can I say something?" Chinen's voice started an extended silence which is only broken when Yabu gave a subtle nod.

"this may sound very immature but I hope you guys can seriously consider... can we leave the center out for the moment, and keep the way things are for the time being"

everyone was stunned by Chinen's suggestion, but it wasn't something that all of them did not think about. Daiki, Yuya and Yuto have thought of the same, but didnt have as much courage to voice it out. in fact, if there was one person who would stand out for this, it would be Chinen.

"how sure are you that things will return to the way it is? what if it is a endless wait? what if it stays like this forever?" the managers protested rationally although it is evident that one of them was trying to fight her tears. 

"in business sense, this is a risky and unprofitable move..." the head manager added.

"no it wouldn't. hear me out... I thought about it the whole night and I did the math... firstly, our regular album takes at least 4 months to be fully ready for release... from now we have exactly 4 months to work on it. even if it is left with one month, I'm almost sure he could catch up. he's the fastest learner and the best dancer and singer among us. in the meantime, Yuto can practice as the center, so if things doesn't go according to what we wish, we can proceed with your plan."

"this is only possible with the consent of Yuto. he has to practice extra lines, extra dance moves, and these additional parts add up to alot. although I understand your idea but it's not fair to Yuto..."

Chinen's eyes dimmed and his head lowered with a silent sigh. The rest of the members did likewise except Daiki and Yuya who exclaimed almost in unison "I am give our fullest support during this 4 months, should we go with Chinen's plans... I am okay with any deployments."

the other 4 had their heartstrings tugged at the instance they heard what was expressed.

"Yuya, Daiki..." Chinen had tears welled up in his eyes as he called the names of the older members and they returned a motivating smile.

"don't worry about me, minna. I'm totally agreeable to that arrangement. I really hope things can return to the way it is. now, it's very burdensome for my heart to be his replacement. I doubt I could do it..." Yuto said with sadness in his eyes.

"you shouldn't think like this, Yuto. we all feel heavy but if you are the chosen one, you need to be mentally strong. Chinen's suggestion is only for the time being and if miracles don't happen, you must do what you have to do. we must move on... all of us have your back, so Yuto, you'll be fine" Hikaru patted his back and said. Chinen saw a drop of tear run down the corner of Yuto's eyes and felt his own heart tightened. 

"yeah. I agree with Hikaru. you should concurrently practice the other parts so that if all else fails, you could do exactly as planned" Yabu added.

"yeah Yuto! we have your back!" Keito and the remaining members cheered. Gradually, a glimpse of smile glistened on his face.

"I did give everyone a false hope... sorry minna..." Chinen felt his eyes warm with tears and one lone drop escaped through his lenses and rolled down his face. BEST members were standing behind the pillar and were peeking at him without his notice. they knew that the person most hurt is Chinen, yet he always put up a brave front to them, never revealing his inner sorrows.

*****
Yuto couldn't wash his mind off yesterday's recordings. this was something he couldn't come clean to Chinen just now. it's something that was kept secret between him and Haruna.

Yesterday was the recording for promotional clip for Kindaichi Shonen no Jikenbo Neo. he never expected to be crowned the 5th generation of Kindaichi Hajime, especially in such circumstances. in normal cases, he should have felt exhilarated about this piece of news and everyone would have excitedly congratulated him, but instead everyone carried a heavy heart.

"Hi Haruna-chan..." Yuto approached Haruna who was idling around the dressing area while taking a quick break after the filming. Haruna and Yuto have acted together before, hence they weren't at all awkward, but today the atmosphere was slightly different.

"Hello, Yuto-kun" Haruna gave a warm-hearted smile just as he did.

"we didnt have the time to really chat, ne... I always wanted to tell you... you're really awesome, you could rush out the filming of the series within weeks" she said.fortunately Yuto was a good actor, she felt, that at the least he was able to cope with the thick stacks of scripts.

"it's nothing compared to you. anyway, I really don't want to trouble the actors even further...having them to redo all the scenes are already very taxing for them." Yuto paused a while as if looking at Haruna for consensus then continued "...sorry Haruna-chan... it shouldn't be easy for you to go through the lines once again after going through it with someone else whom you already strike a rapport with. 

"if I told you I didn't think of him when I'm refilming this, I'm obviously lying. but Yuto-kun, you don't have to be hard on yourself... basically, the crew, especially me and him, have acted 2 specials and the new drama which we never completed, we knew each other for at least 2 years. it's long enough for us to open up to each other, given he is quite shy with girls...it's surreal that things have changed such that the 4th generation ended so abruptly and the 5th generation emerged so quickly. but you could cope with it, so I think that's really amazing"

"thank you, Haruna-chan. if any part of the recording, you feel uncomfortable because of certain recollection, please let me know..."

"why are all the Hajime-chans so overtly kind and protective. anyway, thanks Yuto-kun. fortunately the two of us have worked together before, so things have gone better than I thought. besides, we still have Daiki too" they exchanged a reliving smile with gazes locked for brief moments until Haruna deliberated to ask a question propped in her head for long.

"how's he?" 

Yuto expected her question, but didnt answer immediately as he felt as though there was something choked in his throat, preventing him from any word of utterance. he had to think through in his mind and took a heavy breathe before he gathered his courage to answer confidently. .. though he still couldn't give a complete answer...

"I don't know how to put it to you, but you can say he is gone with the winds...Yamada Ryosuke has ceased existence in this world. I've been longing a revival or miracle but me and everyone else has lost all hopes that something along these lines would occur."

Haruna's face turned so depressed that Yuto couldn't forget the instance her feelings surfaced. it was the same expression he saw of himself and s, especially Chinen and Daiki who has witnessed the many incidents that led to their decision that the ending has already been fixed while they still lived in denial. it's a decision they all made, to move on, hence there should be no regrets from this point. 

"I have assumed his spot, and I should do it confidently and aim for perfection as my predecessor did. it's the only way to allow JUMP to live up to fans' expectations. it's to only way I could pay tribute to my best buddy!" Yuto took in a deep confident breathe and finally pulled his coat over him, just as the curtain call. 

Every remaining member took a glance at Yuto who stood center and their smile gave him a firm assurance that they will be there for him, watching his back and giving him unconditional support. 

no matter how many songs they sang that night, how much they thought they enjoyed, in the hearts of the audience and the singers, there's still a gaping hole that leaves everyone present in the confined space gasping for breathe as their heart breaks at times when the most precious memories were triggered. 

the finale song came, and the most painful of all heartbreaks left many with watery eyes. As Yuto uttered the lyrics of the song which evoked the deepest recollection of the person who sang the very words, warm tears trickled down with its slow rhythm.

"how many years have passed, the precious things in life, 

remember the dreams, i drew of my heart...

when I close my eyes I see stadium of stars,

now I stand here by myself where my heart belongs.

I wanted to fly high, I wanted to be strong,

I wanted to go further and open up my mind..."

Tokyo dome beats as one while Yuto sings the lines and reminisces the departure of their most treasured member. yet 2 stood out differently from everyone else, their hearts beat harder and lonelier than anyone else. it was a pair of girl and boy whose hearts were crying and bleeding all at the same time. The guy was the only one sitting at this point, the only one who did not stand up and jump with the beat. the girl was the only one who did not smile, instead she bite her lips to a point of breaking the thin red skin which was already cracked and bruised. a thin spread of fresh purplish colour stained the sides of her lips and when her warm tears met the stains, it left a prickling pain which hits the core of her heart. conversely, the boy has his fist clenched tightly like his tightened heart. his eyes stared upon the elevated stage with eyes filled with fury, not sparkles. his teeth clenched and grind.

the guy forced his way out of the dome, wheeling through the rows of fans, opening a route for the girl who chased after. 

*****

The music could still be heard from the outskirts of the dome, but the silence that penetrated the minds of the two outdo the former.

It wasn't easy for her to catch up to him, especially when his speed was easily twice of hers. when she finally did, she didnt know what to say...

"y-you don't wanna hear on? there's still one hour though, maybe we can rest then go back in?" she tried to sound enthusiastic.

"you shut up. you're just as noisy as the music inside! you can go in and listen all you want, I am more than happy for you to get lost from my sight! nuisance~" he yanked her arms away, then used all the strength in his arms to give himself a push that widen the distance between them. as he did that, he looked into her sorrowful eyes with a heartless stare that sends chills down anyone's spines. 

she swallowed her dignity and ran after him and said with a smile "I'm tired too. it's good that you chose to go home...you are always so decisive," she patted him to tell him not to worry but the reply was only worst than before.  

"irritating . just shut up!" he uttered under his breathe but made it clear so that it meant as an insult.

the two walked against the moonlight that casted a gloomy shadow on the quite path that was long and slow. the coldness of their hearts dispersed to the surroundings making the night feel particularly lonely. the moon and stars weeped for the boy and the girl who were once inseparable, who were always placed at the forefront of their own hearts and minds, whose hearts were bonded as one, but were terribly fooled by fate and hurt by the broken arrows of the cupids.

*****
Umika let the shower run through her pale skin filled with dark bluish-black bruises. she bite her lips as she endured the stinging pain that agonised her every physical nerves and penetrated deep into her heart, straining her heartstrings as she recalled how each of the bruise was imprinted on her. Tears uncontrollably rolled down her eyes but it was perfectly masked by the running shower which washed away her tears.Each tainted mark on her skin crashed her perseverance and her hopes that things would be fine; each dissociated from the once tenderness and pure love which evolved into a horrifying nightmare that make her cringe in fear. The tranquility and security she previously enjoyed has become something she wanted to run away from,but she was bounded by her oath, by her remorse and guilt. Leaving him is no longer an option, but a livelong commitment that seemed heavier and burdensome by the day. Her tears ran dry as the night goes by, her heart broke countless times that she became numb to the once excruciating pain. The once beautiful night sky no longer gives her the adrenaline rush, no longer capable of making her heart skip a beat or make her feel fuzzy and touched. She looked into the starry sky and wrenched her heart to suppress the vengeful thoughts of the guy who put her through the horrors.

It wasn't the physical abuse, it was the emotional element that weakened her. She questioned herself day and night the meaning of life, she wanted so much to escape from the agony of her own making but she felt trapped in a enclosed space devoid of oxygen and hidden of doors to the outside. She could suffocate and die or even dried of her tears to a point that she sheds blood. Still, even if she is offered a route to freedom, she will stay...

She trembled in the harsh chilling breeze which make the night especially lonely and sad. She lifted herself on her feet and strolled back into her room, settling on her desk. She took out a thick book which has become her greatest companion and confidant. She flipped the pages filled with words to a fresh blank page. As she go through the pages, she saw the stained pages which reminded herself of her fallen tears of sorrows that accompanied the painful experiences documented in each page, starting from the first page. She regretted that she hasn't properly kept her memories from before, such that she could no longer recall those happy ones. She couldn't remember those days where the sweet smiles and tender touches greeted her everyday. That part of her memories are slowly fading away piece by piece, replaced by the darkness that make her cringe.

It seemed so heavy to turn to a new page and when she did, she was too drained to pick up her pen. She wiped away her tears from her swollen eyes and took a deep breath before penning down her day of grievance...

Dear Diary,

Another day has past and I am here again to rant to you. I hope you haven't got tired of me, like everyone else did. I could tell that people staring at me and gossiping about me, and their intolerance towards my stupidity and stubborness has most recently peaked...but I could only count on you to understand my difficulties. These days, I was obsessed with speaking with you because I am beginning to feel tired of the recurring nightmares which has increased in intensity. I am afraid that I might turn against my own promise. When that day comes, please pull me back and remind me of the oath I made the day it all happened.

Diary, do you know why I have become more timid by the day? I think I've got the reason recently. I used to be able to feel his touch in my dreams, even if it is not in reality. I used to get this static feeling when he touches me and my heart will beat unusually fast, but it is no longer so. I used to yearn for him to be by my side, cause he is always here when I needed him most, but I don't know why, I feel I no longer need. I have forgotten how his lips tasted, I could only vaguely remember myself associating it with an addictive drug that makes it irresistible and unstoppable. I used to run into his castle-like arms where he wipes away the tears I cry and pull me up, but I no longer want to show this side of me. I used to live on all the tender-loving care and immerse myself in the happiness, but these days it became hard to breathe as these have ceased to exist. I found it shameful to admit, I detest him, more and more.

Today, he did it again. It was purposeful and was without the slightest regret. I couldn't think of how he could have done this to someone who has promised to love me. I pondered that perhaps he no longer habours that feeling. At the same time, I was appalled that it didn't hurt as much as before, perhaps me too has become immuned. Is this a good sign that I could probably endure this increasingly routine brutality for the rest of my life? Despite so, my will has dwindled so much to an extend I drag my feet to his doorsteps everyday. I could think of all excuses to disappear but at the end of the day, I uttered none. I braced every single encounter with him, regardless of the physical and emotional torment, and has accepted this as my fate.

If I have accepted that, then why am I airing my grievances, why am I brooding over it. The pair of hands which he used to caress my face was warm, caring and loving, but the same pair of hands which landed on my face left such vivid imprints that gave me a painful heartache. The mouth which spoke words that made your heart fuzzy, the mouth that never fails to curb my tears, now has become a vulgar, uncouth organ that triggers my tear duct. As I recount my eventful day, I felt the scars at the corner of my lips. It isn't the pain of the scar that suffocates me, it's the very infliction from a sweet guy that kills all my dreams. 

More than 20 years, I have lived in his presence and thought I am happy even if I were to remain independent cause he shielded me from everything. It has all changed so drastically that the relationship we forged for long crumbles down so easily. I realised nothing was concrete, our relationship was allowed to grow in such vunerable conditions that anything can uproot it. ...and I thought we could triumph all odds... I was wrong.

I am sorry for my parents, as they witness the fresh wounds that overlay the old ones before it heals. Regardless how careful I was to hide those circumstances that breaks their heart, they have watched me being punished for my kindness and unrequitted love. I saw tears in my mother's eyes. I saw how they were so determined to pull me away and protect me, but I am sorry I could not accept your protection. I hide those bruises on my back even though I wished my mum could tend to them. I struggled to apply the ointment and soon, I left it alone. It has never subsided. Everytime I took off my clothes and looked at my bare skin, I would be reminded of the hurtful punches that crashed on me.Occasionally, I wished he was here to rub the ointment with his gentle pair of hands over my tainted skin, but it has since become impossible to fulfil. 

I know my presence has irked you, I know you wanted me to disappear from your sight.for I remind you of how I forced you to make an abrupt detour from your promising future which you have worked so hard to attain. I made you plummet from such great heights and killed your hopes and dreams

I also know it hurts you to inflict such pain on me as much as how the pain has hurt me.

I could see the regrets in your eyes. We have known each other for so long, I could almost tell your feelings.

I know you feel tired with me around.

 But no matter how much you detest me, how much you do not want to see me...

I'm sorry I cannot accede to your request.

I'll stay by your side, whether you like it...

So I beg you to give me what little strength you could. even a subtle smile, will do. Please give me your slightest compassion.

regardless of how different you are now, how harsh you are to me, give me a chance to love the new you, Ryosuke.

 *****

This story has become more angst as opposed to the earlier chapters. To my readers, I have started on my first full-time job and you would have realised I have not been updating as frequently. I hope you understand, but I am trying hard to type my fics on my journey to and fro my workplace. I promise you I will continue to update :D Please leave me your comments on the new update... I will try to update once more today.