EunGyul

I couldn’t stop looking at the images, for hours I repeatedly flipped through them not believing what I was seeing. Everything that I’ve been believing….none of it was true. The only thing I could think about is how I’ve hurt Joon. How I mentally and physically injured him to the point of nearing death. I could have KILLED him, and it would have all been for nothing. I could no longer fight the tears welling in my eyes and I stopped trying. In a fit of rage, I throw the pictures as hard as I can, but they were light and they only floated gently. Chief. This was all his fault. HE killed my family. I already knew that! But I was stupid…and apparently I still am. Instead of going after the man who ordered the kill, I went after the kid who I thought exposed my escape.

{EunGyul Flashback}

I stand there waiting for Joon to wake from his slumber. It took almost everything in my power not to pounce on him then and there. The only thing that held me back was the fact that I wanted him to be alert and well aware of what was to come.

He finally wakes, sitting up and looking around dazed and confused, then placing his hands on his head with a grimace. He was in pain…but I shouldn’t care.

I DIDN’T care.

“You’re awake.” I say, not stepping out of the corner I was standing in, my arms crossed. At the sound of my voice, Joon jumps a little and looks around frantically. “Who’s here?” he asks. “Where the hell are you?”

I chuckle as he struggles to get up from his place on the bed. He looked terrible and quite frail…what had happened to him? “Relax…relax…” I begin, tired of his restlessness. “I’m not going to hurt you…” I tell begin. “Yet…”

Truth is, I wanted to do more than just hurt him. I was going to kill him.

When it looks like he’s finally discovered my location, he pats around for something to use as a weapon, but nothing’s there. As I step out of the shadowy corner a look of horror flashes across his face. “P-pa-park EunGyul??” he stammers, causing me to smirk. “Flattered you remember.” I scoff, inching closer and closer to him. As I did, he backed up further and further, shaking his head in disbelief. “N-no…you’re…you’re…”

“Dead?” I interrupt him, before laughing. “Nonononono, though I’m sure that would’ve been sickeningly pleasing for you.” I tell him.

“No, we all saw….we saw it! All of us! The truck…it…”

“KILLED my FATHER. You all didn’t get so lucky with me.” I snap at him. “N-no…EunGyul….I-‘’

“You what? Couldn’t keep your mouth shut, right? And now look what you’ve done!” I shout reaching in my jacket for the gun. I wanted to finish him off, and I wanted to do it now. The more I just looked at him, the angrier I became. “It’s your fault that he’s dead! Did you think you’d get away with it?” I ask angrily, pointing it at him.

“EunGyul it’s not what you think, I-‘’

“You’re a traitor! You’re a liar and a cheat!” I interrupt.

“I’m none of those things! I’ve never lied to you! Everything said between us was just that! BETWEEN US!!” he shouts back.

I the gun, backing Joon up against a wall with the gun pointed directly at his face. “I wanted to make this slow and painful, but now that I’ve seen your face I just want to blow your brains out.” I snarl through gritted teeth. Just looking at him pissed me off. He was just like his father, he deserved everything he got. Maybe the rest of them will think twice before considering crossing a person first.

I watch as Joon squeezes his eyes shut, preparing for the worse, but a minute passes…then two minutes, and then I find myself getting emotional all over again. I couldn’t kill him. He was my best friend. My only friend…but he betrayed me…

I was stuck.

I didn’t want to kill him…but I had to. He couldn’t get away with what he did. When Joon notices that he’s still alive he opens his eyes slowly. By this time tears were streaming down my face. Normally I wouldn’t have let him see me cry…but he wouldn’t be around much longer anyway…

“How could you?” I find myself crying harder and harder, and Joon doesn’t seem to know what to do about it.

“Eungyul…I...”

“Shut up! Just-just shut up, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say….”

Joon purses his lips together in compliance.

“You were my best friend. We were supposed to have each other’s back’s…” I begin. Joon looks at me with furrowed eyebrows wanting to say something, but he was restraint by the gun to his face.

“My father even thought of you as his own son. You know that?” I ask him, half expecting an answer, but he doesn’t give me one.

“DO YOU KNOW THAT???” I repeat angrily. Now, tears were streaming down Joon’s face, but he kept it straight.

“Stop with the torture.” He says in a harsh whisper. “Do what you must to be at peace.” He concludes, looking me straight in the eye. I scoff. He had the nerve to play hero? Like he cared about my feelings, let alone me being at peace?

“No.” I say with a chuckle, shooting him directly in the left knee. Joon crumples to the ground in pain as blood stains his jeans, but he doesn’t make a huge fuss. Just loud gasping noises. This angers me more. “No, you don’t get to do that.” I tell him, cocking the gun and firing twice more without hesitation. He wasn’t going to get the chance to die heroically or honorably. He didn’t give that chance to my father, and I wasn’t going to allow him that chance either. I’m not even sure where the bullets were landing at this point. I just let my anger take over because I knew that that was the only way it was going to get done. All I see is darkness and all I hear is the lingering ringing left behind by the shots I fired at him.

When the darkness fades from around me, and I slowly regain my own consciousness, I see Joon lying lifelessly in his own pool of spreading blood and I drop the gun.

What have I done?

It took the longest time for reality to kick in. I really did it. I killed him….but strangely, it didn’t really make me feel any better. It was kind of a surreal feeling…there was a lot of confusion. I did what I came here to do….I did what I had to…it was for my family…

I told myself all kinds of things to ease the shock, but nothing worked. It didn’t feel right…and then the pain of losing my best friend, another family member and potentially the only other person I had, finally hit me. I felt empty like another part of me was lost. What the hell did I think would come of this? I couldn’t believe that I had done something so…heartless. I shake my head in disbelief.

“No…” is all I can say, shaking my head rapidly. I couldn’t have done this. This wasn’t me. “No…” I repeat, voice shaking. I take a step towards Joon’s body, but when my foot lands in the spreading pool of his blood I quickly step back. There was so much blood…

At this point, I’m crying all over again. Questioning myself, scolding myself…cursing myself. I tried to tell myself that he deserved it…he did deserve it…he did…he got what he deserved…but nothing worked.

The facts of reality were that I, Cha Eun Gyul, killed Hong Lee Joon and at any moment, his father, brothers and rest of the Empire will be after me. I wasn’t safe. I’d never be safe from now on. I had to get away…I couldn’t stop now.

I had become a murderer.

{Flashback ends}

I replay the images of our youth over and over again in my mind as I remove my shirt. Most things were already painful as is, but now that I know the truth, even the previously positive images were painful. I begin to wish that Rachel never showed me those images. Why couldn’t I just live the rest of my life believing what I did was for my family? Slowly I felt myself beginning to get angry all over again…but it was my anger that led me here in the first place. I exhale, just staring at my wall. I was dazed. I couldn’t think straight anymore. There were so many unanswered questions I had now…but for now, I had to rest. I didn’t know what else to do. Maybe I would be able to face Joon in the morning. I did have to apologize after all…I did something horrible to him, but he never gave up on me. He continued to seek me out and find the truth. I open the nearest drawer and pull out a random shirt. “Yeah…that’s what I’ll do. I’ll face him in the morning…” I conclude to myself with another sigh. The depression was kicking in all over again.

 My thoughts are interrupted by a quick knock on the door. Before I could tell whoever it was not to come in, the door flies open and, to my horror it’s Joon. “There you are.” He says with a sigh of relief. I look at him in complete shock…I wasn’t ready to see him. He just stands in the doorway with his arms crossed watching me, and I just stood there next to the bed, holding the shirt in front of me, not looking him in the eyes. When Joon sees that his stare is going nowhere, he sighs, closes the door behind him and comes to sit down on the bed. I look away and continue to put the shirt on…thinking of anything I could say to him. “Tell me what’s bothering you.” He begins simply. I’m still struggling to get the shirt over my head but I hear what he says…I just don’t answer. I literally had nothing to say to him.

Everything felt…wrong. Like no matter what I said, it wouldn’t make up for what I’ve done. When I don’t answer, Joon turns to face me. “What’s on your mind?” he continues. I take a deep a breath and run my hands through my hair. I wasn’t ready for this…I couldn’t do it. I felt too guilty.

“I’m tired…that’s all…” I lie with a faint smile. Joon knows a load of crap when he sees one…but he doesn’t call me out on it. Instead, he stands up from the bed and reaches into his back pocket, pulling out a wad of something.

“Another white envelope….?” I ask nervously. Joon notices the effect it has on me and looks at me with a concerned look. “What exactly did Rachel show you?” he asks.

“What do you mean?” I ask him blankly, taking a seat on the opposite side of the bed with my back facing him to remove my socks. “EungGyul what aren’t you telling me? You’re…you’ve been different since everyone else showed up…”

“I’m fine.” Is all I say.

Joon doesn’t look convinced. “I don’t know…by any chance…do you feel…left out?” he asks awkwardly. I scoff at the thought. “Actually I would prefer that feeling…” I begin. I almost said I would prefer that feeling in comparison to what I’m feeling right now. But then he’d know something was wrong, and I’d have to explain myself. Instead I clear my throat.

“It’s nothing….I told you, I’m just tired…okay?”

“I understand that…I just...”

“Joon we’ll talk in the morning, okay? Right now I can’t take much more of anything…” I conclude, pulling back the blankets and lying down, back still towards Joon.

“I’m just worried…”

“I haven’t given you any reason to worry. Go back to bed now…it’s 2 in the morning.” I tell him. But instead of leaving he makes himself comfortable right next to me on the bed, arms crossed and eyes closed.

I turn my head towards him, but he doesn’t budge. “What do you think you’re doing?” I ask him, but he doesn’t say anything. I turn over and take the envelope from one of his hands. I was curious after all. Were these replicas of what Rachel had given me earlier? Joon opens one of his eyes, but then closes it back. I ignore him and pull the images from the envelope. “Did you make up with Rachel?’ I ask him randomly, to lighten the air a bit. Joon shrugs, “She can’t stay mad at me forever, right?” he chuckles. “More like you can’t stay away from her for forever.” I mumble, earning another chuckle from Joon. As I flip through the images, I notice that they were of good times. There was the time Alex took us to teach us how to drive, the time we went to Jeju Island, the time Jisoo started high school, he started late, but I remember he was so excited to be able to experience what other kids could. Joon notices me flipping through the images and sits up to point at the next image. “Remember this?” he asks with a huge grin. I look from him back down to the image. In the photo there was just me and Joon in our high school uniforms standing right in front of the Han River with giant grins on our faces. My arm was over Joon’s shoulder and his arms were crossed. I did remember this. “Yeah…this was that day I convinced you to skip school...” I chuckle. Joon looks amused that I remember. “That’s it? You convinced me to do a lot of things that day.” He reminds me, causing me to laugh.

“Nothing you regret to this day.” I tell him.

“I don’t know….after 7 rounds of soju and makgeoli….I was throwing up for a week.” He jokes.

“That’s an over exaggeration.” I laugh. “It was just that day.” I remind him.

“Oh! And what about this time? When we took that school trip to Seoul…” he continues, pointing at another image.

“And it was the first time either of us had ever been to Seoul…” I add.

“And we ran off to explore on our own and got lost!”

“And then my dad had to come get us, and he beat us as soon as we got home.” I finish. Now Joon was laughing and flipping through the images himself.

I feel a smile growing on my face, and my heart felt warmer. We did have positive memories. I could associate no bad memories with these images, and it was exactly what I needed. How did Joon know these images would make me feel…lighter? “Joon…why’d you show me these images?” I ask him, looking him directly in the eyes. He doesn’t take his eyes off of the pictures.

“Huh? Oh, I just….I carry them around since I’ve found them, they keep me going so…” he begins. When I don’t say anything he turns to look at me as well. “And EunGyul…no matter what happens, just know that I understand why you make the decisions you do. You’re my best friend and I know you better than anyone else in this world….maybe even more than you know yourself.” He says. I roll my eyes. “I know this already…”

“I’m not finished.” He clarifies. “And I also want you to know that our friendship will never change, because I know what you’ve been through, you know what I’ve been through. We understand each other.”

He was just being repetitive now…

“And EunGyul…I’ve never once in my life blamed you for what happened in the past, I understand why you did it, and I don’t want you blaming yourself either. None of us deserve the fate we’ve been given or the life dealt to us, but we don’t have to be bitter about it. We deserve our happiness, and if we’re patient, it’ll find us. If Rachel has taught me anything, that would be it.” Joon concludes.

And he was right…he saw right through me. If he was the victim and he doesn’t think I should feel guilty…that should be it, right? I nod in agreement to his words. I did want to be happy, and perhaps if I waited patiently enough I’ll find it. But that happiness included all of us…Joon, Alex, Jisoo, Rachel, Junhyun and Taemin, even Minji and Doyoung, and in order for us all to be happy, we had to help each other. We were in this together, regardless of the past, and with  hope for our futures.

“Did you guys come up with a plan?” I ask Joon randomly. He smiles, “Getting the kid? In the bag…Jisoo thinks he’s here, makes sense I guess.” He begins, but there was a lot more at stake.

“But….” I urge.

“With Chief….we don’t quite know. Alex wants to kill him. And….I agree…” he says uncomfortably.

“Why so hesitant?” I ask him nonchalantly. Joon looks at me with confusion. “Looks to me like the only solution IS to kill him.” I conclude. This wasn’t simply about revenge for my parents, but about how many lives he’s ruined and/or broken.

“It’s not that easy.” Joon sighs, shaking his head.

“Why? Because he’s your father?” I ask him. Joon shakes his head. “There’ll be backlash. From the clans, from the allies…things will be even harder on us than before.” He says, which was true. “We’ve seen worse. We’ll make it through.” I assure him. “There are no other options for our freedom.” I remind him. “I’m just worried about my family…I’m worried about who won’t make it through.” Joon says, now biting his nails. I scoff smack him in the back of the head.

 “Oh ye of little faith.” I joke, earning a laugh from Joon.