Strawberry Girl
by: anonymous96
Genre: Romance/Drama/Fantasy
Main Character(s): Baekhyun/Chanyeol/Sehun
Contains: Straight/Gender Bending
Chapter(s): Four (On-Going)
Summary: Baekhyun is a highschool student that loves music. She's the only girl member in a band named 'EXO-K'. Her life was normal and peaceful, before her mother decided to marry again. The point isn't the marriage, but one of her new family members. She must accept that her stepbrother is Sehun, her ex...
Title ★★★★★
I have to be honest, to me the title doesn't catch my attention, however once I know it's a gender bender of Baekyeol; I would inmediately go and read it 'cause I love that pairing so much it hurts sometimes! X'D Yet, I can understand the reason why you changed from "Summer Child" to "Strawberry Girl", if you say 'summer' I would think about Chanyeol rather than Baekhyun (though yeah Baekhyun is the light, I get it) but Channie has that "sunny" aura, I dunno. Anyways, I get her it! Her love for strawberry flavor things and how Sehun teases her about it to sort of still connect those happy moments they had together is a big plus. I went on a search for the title here on aff and there's only one fic close to the title called "To My Strawberry Girl", so we can say that your title is quite original.
Plot ★★★★★
I must say, this is really good! Like seriously! It is! It has lots lots lots of potencial! The characters are very well written and how they communicate between the bandmates while having an only girl member is awesome! However, there are a few things that I will point out in the next section that might be causing this fic to lack a bit...cause to be honest the plot is excellent! So kudos my friend! :D
Grammar ★★★★★
Okay, well...you knew this was coming. So, hold on tight! Cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride! I went full editor on you so I advice you to look into this part throughly and please try to follow me:
As soon as you start reading the first chapter there are various errors. "Baekhyun sat on the restaurant's chair. HE took a strawberry smoothies..." since it's a gender bender, Baekhyun is a SHE now so it's "SHE took" and we are also talking about plural, two to be exact; so it's "the strawberry smoothies" the sentence should go "She took the strawberry smoothies..." moving on, you wrote Baekhyun's mother's name as "BYUN Hyun Rin" and her father as "KIM Kyung Jo) it should be the other way around since Baekhyun carries her father's last name and since they are already divorced, there's no point in Baekhyun's mom carrying the last name (plus she is soon to be married to the Oh family). I advice you to change it from BYUN Hyun Rin to KIM HYUN RIN and KIM Kyung Jo to BYUN KYUNG JO. When Baekhyun's mom starts the conversation, rather than put "talked" change it to "started". Change "got some people starring at them" to "saw a few people staring at them". Change "She blushed and covering her face with her palms". to "She blushed, covering her face with her palms". Change "when Mr. Oh would arrive?" to "when will Mr. Oh arrive?". Also, NEVER use numbers when talking about the time or amount, always write it. This paragraph here "5 minutes again, maybe. He's a bit forgetful when it comes to find a place. I'm pretty sure that he's around here right now, but he just confuse which one the restaurant is." change it to "Five minutes. Maybe. He's a bit forgetful when it comes to finding a place. I'm pretty sure that he's around here right now but he's just confused which restaurant it is". Change "Eomma want to get married" to "Eomma wants to get married". "continue her word. Mrs. Byun blushed more severe". to "continue her words. Mrs. Kim blushed more severely". Change "you began so awkward,eomma" to "you are so awkward,eomma" or "you look so awkward,eomma". Baekhyun scratches her HEAD, not hair xD you can't scratch hair >< "collared shirt walked toward their chair" <---change to table. "he has a pale skin" <--erase "a". "I'm sorry, I'm late. a familiar voice captured by her ears" change "Sorry, I'm late." erase "by". "Ah, maybe he's just..." change the coma to a period.
Okay, the next three chapters I'll just cross the words that shouldn't be there and/or tell you how the phrases should go like. Okay, ready?
On Chapter 2: "Hey noona, do you want a cup of ice cream?/would you like some ice cream?" "Actually, Baekhyun wanted ice cream. But the one who asked it, was Sehun. "I don't want to ice cream./No, thank you." "Some guests couldn't can't see the altar!" "You're talk too much, noona." "six people were standing here there." "He wanted to tastes all the food but it now was not the time" "...for about 30 thirty minutes until his parents said a sacred marriage their vows." "...and took three cups scoops of ice cream." "This boy was has not changed at all. He was still a child kid with his a childish mind". "Baekhyun hitted smacked his back and which made Sehun spurted. Luckily, he wasn't didn't spurt on Baekhyun's face." its "conclusion" not "conclution". "...while Sehun didn't pay an attention because he was busy with his foods" "No need to yell roar, noona" "Baekhyun wanted to hit him again..." it's "disappeared" not "dissapeared" "...when she tastes the cupcake's flavor..." change "5-years-old" to "five-year-old" "He still liked to act cute.... In At that time...Baekhyun would always pinched his cheeks...or laughed. His innocent side couldn't ever never failed to make her smile. "You can get a new one it with yourself. The ice cream stalls are just five metres meters from here." "Baekhyun stuck sticked her tongue out..." "...when he waved a goodbye...he must return to the church ceremony" "Baekhyun was still running on to her seat." "Even it was an unsaid word though words were unsaid." "A big applause People cheering echoed inside the church...he saw a couple were smiling happily...he was officially being Baekhyun's brother..."
On Chapter 3: "His skin is very white and fair..." <---they are both the same. Eliminate one. "...said they were break-up broke up two months ago. Is it that right?" "...her love life was being news today's news ,too." "....they were a best friends and classmates...Kai didn't mind, but Baekhyun wasn't did...deeply deep down in her heart...She was remembered reminded of Kyungsoo's words: 'The power of a girls' mouths is really ...." "continued to chatting with Kai." "Kyungsoo have has finished...earphones" "...when Kai was placed an earphone on Baekhyun's earlobe." "They're looks like a so lovey-dovey, but...I don't know." "She's always like that..." "The class began became all noisy again..." "...the interlude is a bit messy...the guitar's sounds was made everything messing around are a total mess!" "Why must Suho?" "...join the recording too either?" "...yesterday your mother was got married and now my sister is engaged...my neighbor was got married too and my older sister was introduced her boyfriend...is there any other anyone else?" "...you will asked Kyungsoo..." "Kai punched poked Baekhyun's forehead" "You're You'll end up being..." "...entire school thinks Kaisoo are perfect for each other" "What kind of name is it that?!" "...staring at the window..." "...Baekhyun bit her bottom lip...She prayed Sehun wasn't in the same class with her...she couldn't avoided wouldn't be able to avoid the gossips and those annoying girls." "....tried trying to see, 'The Prince'." "Baekhyun's fingers hands were trembling" "...give me a luck..." "...her heartbeat fell in dismay." "The A teacher that accompanied him explained." "Baekhyun opened her eyes as soon as Sehun and the teacher left. She looked around. Hmm...the our room teacher hasn't come yet." "Wait, her prayers were heard!" "...didn't attend joined our class...to enroll add him to in EXO-K..."
Finally, on Chapter 4: "...it was the end of the school..." "....decided to get out from the class..." "....Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Suho who were walking across standing just outside the ballroom school." "....wanna have a guitar battle..." "Baekhyun and Kai stared at each other..." "They will have a scuffle fight if they do it...it involves our band...because business always around them they were always too busy. Suho working at his father's office. Chanyeol's courses. Baekhyun's mother's wedding. Etc." "Baekyun knew how worth much this day meant to EXO-K" "...Kai said he will add Sehun to EXO-K...but he insisted on it." "Then? So?" "Then So...umm...I kicked him in the rear and he pinched my cheeks hard in reply." "When will you grow up, Baek?" "...defend on Kai...." "Do you know a better nominee, Byun Baekhyun?" "...his abilities in cafes..." please erase "Do it with yourself, Baek. Kai sighed" "...his anger was have reached its maximum level." "...if Sehun joins our group... he's not a worst bad guitarist. On the contrary, he's the best one!, instead" "Baekhyun don't doesn't want him..."Four 'ooh~s' were heard." "...Baekhyun and Sehun was being a couple had long been forgotten. "...would get a bruises...tried to ask her about it." ....that is as good as Sehun" "...no rejection buts." "...when Baekhyun wanted to protest..." "...in their own rehearsal room...Chanyeol's basement....on the school's studio...the school's studio was being used...." "...lifted her head with a face of depression...her own idea of adding a new member now had her in a big dilemma." "Chanyeol gave her..." "Baekhyun wants to....but she decided to show her good side since she has being acting as a brat from the time Kai suggested about Sehun joining the band." "I will help you to find..." "Ability in rhythm...arrange of music...all of those skills. And more for sure." "Baek, answer my question truthfully but please don't hurt me. Why you don't want Sehun to join our band?" "...like she was trying to rip them off." "you know what you should do." "I dislike it when he's around my world." "Please explain to me." "Not at all." "We broke up because he cheated on me. I don't want him to be as unloyal to EXO-K as he was to me....Right now, he is both my classmate and my stepbrother. He has come into my family and school life...I can't just let him also enter my musical life!" "I'm a bit understand I completely understand." "Chanyeol bursted in laughter." "He ruffled Baekhyun's hair...ask her at the most."
Aaaand that's it! WOW! Okay, I know english isn't your first language so....I advice you to get a beta reader for the next chapters cause this story is pretty good. If you can't find one then you can PM me and I'll beta read it for you ^^
Originality ★★★★★
Wow! This is definitely an original! I have never read a story that involves EXO-K as a BAND rather than a boyBAND. If Baekhyun, Chanyeol or Kyungsoo could read your story, I'm sure it would certainly bring them back memories of their high school bands :D This is great! I like the gender bender thing too cause lately I've being seeing some of those but not everyone does, they mostly stick to the . I've never seen Sehun with Baekhyun as love interest so this is totally new to me! And it sounds nice actually, somehoe you make it work for me! Good job! ;D
Flow ★★½★★
The flow of this story would be so much better if only you've had a beta reader. The story is so good yet your ortography tends to slow me down as I'm trying to correct in my mind what you're trying to say on each paragraph. If it was only a few mistakes but there are just way too many! Seriously! Get a beta reader and you'll see how this story will get better marks and more people might want/will come to read it! :D
Reader's POV
OMG! This story is really good! And not because it's a Baekyeol but like it seriously is good and it has sooo much potencial! (I think I'll keep saying that until I get tired of it! Lol!) I love ALL the characters! I love Baekhyun! I love Kai! I love Sehun! I love Chanyeol! I love how Channie is so good at hiding his feelings, he treats Baekhyun like a true friend and I love that! Just keep writing girl! Can't wait for an update! ^^
I give your story:
★★★½★
Get a beta reader ASAP cause your story is da bomb! ;D
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