Leaving Me

HanGeng drove. He didn’t know where he was going and he ended up lost again. Sighing, he pulled out his phone and dialled the same number as last time. He had had a really long day, and his head was aching.

“Are you lost again?” SiWon sounded amused.

“How’d you know?” HanGeng asked, his fatigue sounding in his voice.

“You wouldn’t call me otherwise,” SiWon said. HanGeng had to agree with that.

As SiWon dropped HanGeng off, he wondered about how he was going to break the news to HeeChul. He wondered if the latter would even care at all.

“You’re home!” HeeChul greeted him brightly as he opened the door.

“Uh, yeah.” HanGeng rested the keys back on the dresser.

“HanGeng, I have some things I think we should talk about,” HeeChul began, fiddling with his thumbs. HanGeng nodded and sat on the couch, stripping off his jacket. He had not forgotten what SiWon had told him beside the news about the university.

“I have some too…”

“Do you… do you want to go first?” HeeChul offered, sitting next to HanGeng and folding his legs beneath him.

“No, you should talk first.”

“I’m sorry…” HeeChul finally looked up into HanGeng’s eyes, and lost himself. There was obvious curiosity and he could vaguely see love but it was hidden, obscured by barriers. Barriers that HeeChul had made.

“Is that all?” HanGeng asked when HeeChul did not speak again for a while.

“No…” HeeChul said, searching his brain for words to say, anything, something…

“I’ll just say my bit then,” HanGeng said quietly. HeeChul nodded his agreement, still looking for words.

“I’m leaving here in a week.”

“What?”

“I’m leaving. I’m going to a university in America. A dance university. To follow my dreams,” HanGeng said almost regretfully, knowing that another of his dreams was sitting right before him.

HeeChul dropped his eyes. He could feel it, the urge to simply pretend as though he didn’t care… it filled him powerfully. But he couldn’t. If it was one thing he had come to realize now, it was that he needed HanGeng. More than that, Chul was pretty sure he was in love with the China Man who made him smile so much.

But the only words that could come out of his mouth was not the ones he wanted to say.

“Really? Well, I hope you have fun then,” HeeChul said, unfolding himself from his position and pretending to stretch.

“Wasn’t there something else you wanted to say to me?” HanGeng asked cautiously. He could tell from the way HeeChul walked away from him and pretended to ignore him that the older was close to breaking.

“yeah… our project is due tomorrow. Is it ready?” HeeChul asked, his voice a monotone. HanGeng resisted the urge to use some of the sarcasm he had picked up from the diva himself and instead nodded. He picked up the said book and passed it to HeeChul.

“On second thought, I’ll be gone… tomorrow,” HanGeng said. SiWon had offered for him to crash at their place while for the three days until their flight, if they were flying out together.

“Have fun,” HeeChul repeated dully, numbing his heart.

Talk to me, he begged in his mind as he watched HanGeng get ready for bed. (Well, couch in his case since he does sleep on a couch and not a bed.) he stared at his phone screen, pretending to be occupied, but instead focused solely on HanGeng.

Talk to me. Say something…

But there were no more words between them that night, and when HeeChul woke in the morning, it was to a spotless apartment and a small wad of cash stuck under his alarm clock along with their project book. HanGeng had left without a word. Without a goodbye…

Tousled headed, with his jersey half pulled over his chest, SiWon opened the door as HanGeng rang it the first time. He was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and he waved HanGeng in while sipping the hot liquid. HanGeng dropped his one bag by the doorway and followed SiWon to what he supposed was the kitchen.

HeeChul’s entire apartment could fit in here, and it would still have space, HanGeng mused as he sat on one of the stools. KiBum took one look at him and then placed a plate full of eggs and bacon in front of him.

“Why-”

“American breakfast. Get accustomed to it,” KiBum said without turning around.

“No,” HanGeng said, laughing while KiBum and SiWon exchanging a significant look HanGeng didn’t quite understand, “I was going to ask why you gave me so much.”

“You look like you’ve been run over several times with a truck and then buried alive,” SiWon commented, taking his own plate and forking some into his mouth.

“Do i?” HanGeng asked, surprised. He had thought his appearance to be at least acceptable when he had left. And he wasn’t particularly ravenous this morning.

“And your voice... it sounds like you were sick for years…” KiBum agreed, placing a large cup of coffee beside his plate, then a cup of tea.

“I must have not drunk enough water this morning?” HanGeng tried to offer as an explanation.

“Come on!” KiBum suddenly exclaimed, “We all know what this is. It’s you, practically withering away already right before our eyes without HeeChul!”

HanGeng’s first instinct was to deny this, but he couldn’t find it in himself to lie now. There had not been a shred of untruth in KiBum’s statement.

“And?” he prompted dully.

“And you need to…” KiBum trailed off, struggling for words. He looked desperately at SiWon for help, who merely continued to munch happily on his eggs and sighed disgustedly, picking up the cup of coffee and tossing it on SiWon's front.

“Hey!” SiWon exclaimed, pulling away from the counter and immediately stripping himself of the ruined shirt. HanGeng forced a laugh.

“Didn’t y’all talk yesterday?” KiBum asked gently.

“Yeah…” HanGeng said, trying to discharge the notion in his head that grew stronger every time he thought about HeeChul. This was all KiBum’s fault. If he had never come back none of this would have ever happened.

“And?”

“And that’s that. He doesn’t want me around. He even told me to ‘have fun’, whatever that means,” HanGeng remembered.

KiBum and SiWon exchanged another look as HanGeng swung off the stool, leaving his untouched food on the counter. Neither knew how close the older was to exploding at that moment.