You’re back MiRae, you’re back. I thought to myself as I enjoyed the embrace of my friend. The best hugs in the world were those of Taeyang’s, they made you feel better, even if you didn’t know you needed to feel better. I pulled away and we both walked into YGE together.

“Noona, you look so different.” He said, giving me his trademark eye smile as he took my purse and put it in the spot I had always used for my stuff. “We saved your special spot, noona, we knew you’d be back.”

I smiled and looked around. As I did my eyes got stuck on the big picture of Seunghyun that now graced the entrance hall of YGE. My heart sunk, remembering all we had shared; our love, the life we were making, all of that now gone. Gone also, was my engagement ring, I looked down at my empty left ring finger and could feel the tears forming. Even if I did have feelings for someone else, I would always love Seunghyun. He'd given me so much hope, he'd shown me that I could love again and when he died, a part of me died with him. 

“He will always love you, ya know?” I heard a familiar voice in front of me.  “Hyung loved you more than anything and my guess is he misses you just as much as you miss him. In fact, he probably misses you more than we have missed you.”  Seungri said, standing there with his arms stretched out as if waiting for a hug or something. I smiled and walked towards him, grabbing his face and pinching his cheeks. “Hello, maknae!” I smiled and then hugged him, pulling away after a moment.

“Noona,  my goodness it took you long enough to get back to us. Don’t you ever leave like that again, you understand me?” He said, seriously shaking his finger at me.

I smiled. “Glad to see you haven’t forgotten how to be silly.” I said. “I promise I won’t leave again.”

“I’m very glad you’re back noona. YG will be so glad to have his star back.” He smiled.

“Seungri, not right…” Taeyang began. I smiled at Teayang and then looked at Seungri. “I’m glad to be back, but I am not going to be a part of YGE anymore.” I  said walking past him and sitting down on the couch in the lounge area.

“What do you mean you aren’t going to be a part of YGE? MiRae, you need to be a singer, you need to be here, President Yang has such big plans for your future.” He said sitting next to me.

"Ah, Seungri maknae. I don’t doubt that, but I need to do what is best for me. I will always love YGE and be thankful for the time I spent here, but this is not where I want to restart my music career. It is best for me that I go out and do it with another company. It’s best that I get a true restart to my life. Being here would make that difficult, I wouldn’t be able to move on and put out the best music if I stayed here.”

“But, noona, Top…” He began.

“Please, maknae, don’t bring up Seunghyun, ok. I will always care about him and love him, but I am doing what’s best for me, as MiRae.”

“Aye, fine! But don’t forget about all us stuck here at YGE.” He said, causing me to giggle.

“What do you mean, stuck? You know if President Yang heard you say that, he’d discipline you? You know I will still be around, you know I won’t just stop talking to you guys just because I’m not a YGE star? Seungri, I’d never just up and stop talking to you. YOU should know that.” I smiled, poking his side.

“But you did when you ranaway noona. You stopped talking to all of us except Taeyang." He said causing my heart to hurt. He was right.

"Yes, I did, you are right, but I shouldn't have and I am so very sorry. I needed the space but it was not right of me to cut everyone off. I know that's why Karin doesn't speak to me anymore and why I have lost some friends, but I am back now and I promise you I won't run again. No matter how hard it gets. I need you guys." I said, trying to reassure him.

You know, you seem do different? But I like it…” he said pausing and smiling at me. “I like it a lot.”

“Of course you do! You were the one who always told me I needed to do my hair different. If I remember correctly you gave me this idea.” I said, playing with my hair. After reminiscing with Seungri for a while I stood up and walked towards the elevator. “Is he in his usual spot?” I said to Taeyang, who I knew would know exactly what I was asking. Taeyang nodded and I pushed the button up to the 3^rd floor. As the elevator took me up to the recording area, my heart raced. I wanted to get it all over with.  The doors opened and I headed down the hall, rehearsing in my head what I would say when I saw him again after 6 months.

I walked to the 4th door on the right, his studio, and slowly opened the door, walking in quietly since I knew he was probably recording and I didn’t want to interrupt. I found the couch at the back of the room and sat down, waving to Tablo and Choice who were in there working on the mixing and recording as Jiyong was in the sound proof booth. I knew he couldn’t see me in my current spot but I could see him. He looked good, so perfectly Jiyong, so in the zone as he rapped a line to what I was sure was a song for his new solo album.

“MiRae-ah! When did you get back?” Tablo said, coming over to sit by me and greet me.

“Just about an hour ago.” I smiled. “He’s working hard as usual I see.” I said pointing towards the booth.

“He’s been in the zone, that’s for sure.” He smiled.

“How’s that beautiful daughter and wife of yours?” I said. Still only staring at Jiyong, yet talking to Tablo.

“They’re good, thanks for asking.” He said and then sighed. “Do you want me to get him, I can tell him he has a visitor. You seem like you can only focus on him.” Tablo could tell where my mind was. He didn’t know my feelings, but even he was smart enough to see the obvious small obsession I had.

“Aniyo, I don’t want to bother him, I just wanted to come and see him at work. I always enjoyed watching everyone do their thing in the booth.” I said, smiling at Tablo.

“Right. Whatever you say MiRae. Whatever you say.” He said, getting up and heading back over to sit by Choice.  I watched for a bit longer, taking in every word he was saying, taking in every move, every gesture he’d make. My heart raced as I did. I knew my feelings for him were strong, but I was sure that I had messed up any chance of us being together. I left and just cut him off like he met nothing, when in all honestly he met everything. He’d walked me through so much especially when Seunghyun had joined the army and when I had found out he had died. I remember very clearly that note I wrote him when I left in the middle of the night.

Jiyong,

You won’t understand why I am doing this, but I need you to allow me to. I have to go, I have to find myself, figure out who I am now, what I want now. I’m going back to the states for a while, not sure that I will return. I am forever grateful to you for all you have done for me and been to me. My heart is very confused and hurt, but I want you to know that, yes, I do I love you too. You were right when you were questioning me. However I couldn’t admit it, aniyo, because that love scares me and makes me feel like I have disrespected Seunghyun. Allow me to go, please don’t contact me, please move on. I don’t want you to wait for someone who isn’t sure what they want and is too fragile to stay. I’m asking you to let me go, please.

Love,

MiRae

Jiyong didn’t give up on me, no he texted me for over a month after I left, every day, all day and it bothered me. It bothered me because I loved him and he was making it difficult for me to move on. It bothered me because I really didn’t want him to move on, I wanted him to wait, but I honestly didn’t expect him to listen to me. Which is why sitting there watching him record made me want even more to know what was going on with him. Jiyong said the last line and Choice congratulated him as he finished this new song. I watched Jiyong as he took off his headphones and placed them on the stand, fixing his beanie and walking out the door to come out to where the rest of us were sitting. He walked with his usual swag and began to chat with Tablo and Choice, not noticing me as I sat on the couch.

I smiled as I watched him interact with them, remembering how he was, how he respected those two guys. I looked at the time and realized that it was a mere five minutes from my meeting with President Yang. I didn’t want to be late so I stood up and headed to the door. It was probably best that I didn’t say anything right now to Jiyong, especially since I needed to be clear headed to talk to President Yang. I had gotten to see him and that was enough for now. I slowly and quietly tiptoed to the door and opened it, walking out.

“Leaving me again, are you?” I heard him say in his cocky joking voice. I stopped and smiled, then went straight faced, collecting my thoughts and emotions for a moment. I wanted more than anything to be level headed and clear in my thoughts. Jiyong was so good at making me confused and making me not think clearly. I continued to try to leave, but was stopped by his protesting. 

“Stop, MiRae, hang on a second. We need to talk.” He said simply turning towards Tablo and Choice. “Bros, would you mind giving MiRae and me a moment alone? We have a couple things to discuss privately.”

“Not at all.” Choice said.

“Sure. She’s all yours.” Tablo said. Jiyong stepped back and I stepped forward out of the way as they passed me.

“Welcome home MiRae.” Choice said, touching my shoulder slightly.

“Good luck.” Tablo said smiling then walking off laughing with Choice.

I watched them walked away and then turned to lean against the doorframe.

“Get in here and close the door, will ya?” Jiyong said.

I walked in and closed the door behind me. I struggled to look into his eyes, so I turned back to the door a moment to collect my thoughts. As I did I heard Jiyong move towards me and could feel his presence right behind me. I went to turn around but couldn’t. Jiyong said nothing as I felt him wrap his arms around my waist and hug me from behind, buying his face in my hair taking in my scent, then lightly kissing my shoulder.

“Jiyong, I need to go to my meeting.” I said, not moving, not sure how to react, but thankful for his touch. It gave me a little hope, it gave me a peace, it made me melt and it made me want to skip my meeting. 

“Not yet.” He whispered, holding on to me for dear life, as if he believed I would bolt again. “I missed you sweet girl.” He said continuing to hold on to me. My head raced as he held me there, not saying anything just holding me like he was trying to remember me my touch. “You’re too skinny.” He finally said, pulling away.

“Of all the things you could say to me when we first see each other again, you call me too skinny.” I said.  “Really, Jiyong?”

“You are, MiRa,e I think you’ve changed.” He said, almost sad.

“Just the outside. Inside I am still MiRae.” I said. “And MiRae has to go meet with President Yang. You should know I can’t be late to meet him. Please, Jiyong, I need to go.”

“I know, I know. But can you just give me one more minute to make sure I am not dreaming. To make sure that I am really standing here with you right now.” He smiled and grabbed my hands, lifting them up to his mouth and lightly kissing each one.

“Ji, I really, I really need to go.” I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to.

“Fine, I’m coming with you then.” He said letting go and walking over to grab his laptop and bag.

“Ji, I need to do this on my own. I’ll find you afterwards ok?”

“And how do I know you will not run again, huh?” He said, giving me a pout.

“I’m not leaving again. This is my home and this is where I belong, here....with....y--y-you. I promise I’ll meet you in the lounge in an hour. Ok, Ji.” I said smiling, trying to relieve his worry. He looked at me and walked forward and grabbed my hands in his again, this time intertwining our fingers together. My heart leaped at any touch, but especially this one. He looked me in my eyes and then smiled, leaning in and kissing my cheek.

“I will be there.” He smiled. “We need to talk, I need to catch up with my sweet girl.” He let go of my hands and took my face in his hands and smiled again. He leaned in and kissed my forehead and then pulled away. “Don’t you dare leave again and good luck with President Yang.” He smiled.

“See you in an hour." I squeezed his hands and let go, smiling as I walked away, feeling a bit of peace and yet at the same time, feeling as if something was off.