Still grasping my note, I walked towards the elevator. I had hidden and cried long enough, now I needed to go meet up with my friends and spend some much needed time reconnecting with Jiyong. I rode the elevator down to the bottom floor and exited, turning to my right to head to the lounge. It sounded like there were lots of people in there, which I was excited about. I could hear Seungri’s laugh and Taeyang’s voice, as well as many others. I turned the corner and began to enter the lounge. Everyone clapped as I entered.

“She’s back!”

“MiRae, unnie, welcome home.”

“OMO, look at her, she’s so different.”

So many kind words and compliments were being said my way that it felt good it just reaffirmed that I was back where I belonged, I smiled as many people came up to me to hug me and chat to me. I was hugging one of the back-up dancers when I noticed in the corner, Jiyong, smiling at me. Then I noticed he had his arm around “HER” and she was hanging all over him. My heart sank and that bad feeling began to make me feel nauseous. He’d moved on, with HER, her of all people her. He knew I had issues with her. Why her? Of all people, why Dara, he knew how much I disliked her, was he trying to prove a point?

“Ex-excuse me.” I said, smiling a fake smile trying to hold back tears. I ran down the hall and to another lounge area and I locked the door behind me and fell on to the couch, crying. My heart hurt to see those two together. He knew I didn’t like her, but he had every right to move on. After all I had told him too, but I didn’t think he would, especially not with her.

“MiRae-ah, open up the door.” Jiyong pounded from the other side. “Open up the door, please.”

“Go away Jiyong. I don’t wanna talk any more. Go away.” I yelled.

“I will stand out here until you open this damn door. I will wait for you, like I always have.” I took in a deep breath and opened the door allowing Jiyong to enter. “I’m always going to wait for you, haven’t you figure that out by now? I love you.” He said entering in and closing the door behind him.

“Funny, sure doesn’t seem like it Jiyong. You and Dara looked awfully damn cozy out there. What are you two together now? Couldn’t wait too long for me, so you moved on with the one person I can’t stand?” I sat back down on the couch putting my face in my hands and cried.

“You can’t take everything you see at face value babe.” He said, almost as if mocking me. “What you think you saw, you didn’t. It’s not like that.”

“Then, please Jiyong, by all means tell me, what is it like?”

“It’s, well, it’s complicated. We are together, but only to make the pain go away. I suppose you could say I use her, to make it go away. It was what it was, but its’ over now. When I found out you were coming back, I told her we were done, I told her that I couldn’t be with her anymore. That I wouldn’t need her anymore.”

“Jiyong, do you know how much of an you are making yourself sound like right now? I don’t know if you are hearing what you are saying, but it disgusts me that you would use anyone to try to make the pain of me leaving go away. And you say you two are done, but I don't buy it. Not with how she was hanging all over you. You know what, I’m done with talking.” I said.

I stood up and wiped my tears, I was in no mood to continue talking. I had to go somewhere, I had to leave YGE and I had to get away from him. I unlocked the door and opened it turning my back to Jiyong and pushing through the crowd of people that was watching the drama unfold in front of them. I moved quickly grabbing my purse, ignoring Jiyong’s protest and finding Taeyang.

“Will you please take me somewhere?” I asked him.

“S-sure.” He said smiling and grabbing his keys. We walked out the side door and to the parking garage where his car waited. I didn’t pay attention to the fact Jiyong was running behind us. I didn’t want to hear his excuses and I didn’t want to deal with the pain in my heart. Taeyang and I got in his car and he began to drive off. Jiyong screaming for me as we sped off.

“Noona, where too?” He said.

“I want to see Seunghyun.” I said beginning to cry. “Take me to him please.”

“Of course.” Taeyang said.

Neither of us said a word for quite awhile. I was too busy crying and Taeyang knew better than to try to break the silence. Finally after several minutes I asked him the only question I could. “How long has Daragon been an item?”

Taeyang seemed surprised by my question, but answered anyway. “For the past couple months.”

“I see.” I said bitterly, starting to cry again.

“Noona, it’s none of my business, but didn’t you tell him to move on? Why are you mad?”

I scoffed at him and then yelled out, “Why am I mad? Dong Youngbae, why do you think I am mad? Huh? I don’t know, maybe it’s because I can’t stand that girl…or maybe it’s because he knows I can’t stand her and yet is with her, or maybe it’s because he didn’t WAIT for me. He should have waited for me.”

“But noona you told…”

“I told him not to. Yah, I know don’t remind me. I guess that’s what I get, for telling him to move on.” I sobbed as we pulled into the cemetery and headed towards the back of it, finding the old cherry blossom tree that Seunghyun was buried under. Taeyang stopped his car and turned it off. Turning to me, he grabbed my hand and spoke honestly, bluntly, but lovingly to me.

“MiRae, noona, you can’t expect Jiyong to wait for you forever. You’ve pushed him away so many times, that after a certain point, he too will grow tired of it. He may love you more deeply than he’s ever loved before, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get tired of the cat and mouse game you play sometimes. I love you noona, but if he is really what you want, you have to let him know, you have to stop running and you absolutely have to let go of Top hyung. Jiyong won’t keep waiting on you if you can’t let him love you fully. He can only take so much. I’ve known him so long now and I have never in my life seen him love someone the way he loves you, but I also have never in my life seen him hurt so much when you walked away from him. If you can’t fully be with him, then yes, he’s going to move on. So it’s up to you noona, you have to either end it all together or you have to finally begin it and be with him.” Taeyang squeezed my hand as if waiting for a response.

I didn’t have a response. I knew he was right and it was why I was here at Seunghyun’s grave. It was time for me to let go and move on with the only other person in my life that I knew I loved deeply. I looked at Taeyang and then out the window at the head stone. Last time I was here was when we buried him, I hadn’t even seen the headstone I’d picked out. It was beautiful and perfect, very classy, just like him.

“Youngbae, wait for me, please.” I said smiling at him and then getting out of the car. I walked up to the stone etched with his name, “Choi Seunghyun” and stopped. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing out as I kneeled down and placed a hand on the name, tracing it with my fingers.

“Do you know how much I hate you for dying.” I said to the stone, as if he were standing there in front of me. “My whole world got all screwed up and turned upside down because you had to go and be so damn heroic and save a fellow solider. You stupid, amazing, selfless, jerk.” I said crying more. “If you were alive right now I think I could kill you for dying. For leaving me and James, for giving me permission to be with Jiyong. God, why are you so amazing, even when you’re dead?”

“I miss you, I miss you so much Seunghyun…but…you know where my heart is and what it wants.” I pulled out his letter and held it in my hands. “Your letter was your way of saying its ok to be happy and its ok to move on. Seunghyun, you are right, like always.” I took a deep breath and smiled. “Seunghyun, thank you for giving me a reason to love again and to hope again. Thank you for pushing me and helping me to grow. I owe you so much.” I leaned in and kissed his headstone, right on his first name. “I’ll always love you and miss you, but I’m ready now. I am not scared anymore of the feelings I have for Jiyong. I know you will be happy seeing me happy even if it’s with him. You know he’s a good man and that he’ll take care of me and now, now I know that too. He used Dara, which pisses me off, but at the same time, I love him so much that I almost don’t care. Seunghyun, that feeling, that feeling makes it obvious to me. It’s time for me to let my heart be opened and to give him my all. I owe him that.”

I looked up and took in a deep breath of the beautiful Seoul air. As I did I felt an unexplainable force wrap around me and then leave as if Seunghyun was giving me one final hug and saying his goodbye. “Goodbye my pillar. Goodbye my Top. Goodbye my Seunghyun. I love you.” I said hugging his headstone. “Goodbye.”  I held on to the stone and continued to cry, knowing that now I could move on and start afresh.

“Did you mean it?” I heard Jiyong say from behind me.

I stood up and turned around. “Did I mean what?” I said, noticing that Taeyang was gone and in his cars place was Jiyong’s car.

“What you just said to him. Are you finally ready, not scared of your feelings?” He said walking up and standing beside me.

“Yes, I meant it, but it doesn’t mean I am not mad at you still. It doesn’t mean that I can just forget what I saw and how much I wanted to punch you for being with her. It doesn’t mean that I think you aren’t an for using her.”

“Sweet girl, I don’t care what it doesn’t mean. All I care is that you finally can admit it.” He smiled at me and grabbed my hand in his, locking his fingers with mine. He looked down at Seunghyun’s stone and placed his free hand on top of it. “Top hyung, I promise to take the best care of MiRae and love her forever. Thank you, hyung, for trusting me with your girl.”

I wiped my tears as we stood there holding hands and reminiscing about the man that we both loved dearly. The man that had even beyond the grave was selfless. Jiyong and I had a long road ahead, but it wasn’t anything we both weren’t ready for and we both knew Seunghyun would be there every step of the way. Somehow making sure it would all work and keeping us together.

“Hey, sweet girl, lets go eat, huh? I think we have some catching up to do?” Jiyong said as we walked back to his car, still hand in hand.  Jiyong was right we had a lot of catching up to do, we had a lot of growing to do, we had a lot of lost time to make up for and now with my heart at ease, I could finally, fully, be with him.

“Jiyong.” I said as opened the passenger door for me.

“What, sweet girl?” He smiled.

“Just…” I said, smiling at him as I broke the hold of our hands and hugged him. “Just...just…I’m glad I’m back. I’m glad I’m home.”