“Choi MiRae, you are late.” President Yang said to me as I ran into the meeting room. I bowed and looked at him, his face was annoyed.

“I know President Yang, I am so sorry. I ran into a lot of people who wanted to talk and time got away from me. I am sorry for being late.” I said.

“Please sit, MiRae. Let’s not make a habit of this, ok? I don’t like to wait.” He said, sternly.

“Yes, Sir. I won’t Sir.” I said sitting down across from him.

“I’d like to welcome you back to Seoul, MiRae. Are you doing ok? I am sure things have been very hard on you, I trust you are ready to get on in your life and career now?”

“Y-y-yes I am doing ok and I am ready to move on.” I said shyly.

“How are you doing, you know, accepting the loss of your fiancé?” He said, concerned.

“I’m doing much better. I think the time away was good for me, I was able to spend time with my family, with James, and figure out what I wanted and where I wanted to be. I took a good look at myself and found out who I was.” I said.

“And what did you find out MiRae? It seems you have changed very much, especially outwardly.”

“Well, Sir.” I began. “I realized I wanted to be Choi MiRae, so I legally changed my name to that. I realize that I was a strong woman, who had a lot of people who loved her and I began to miss my home here. I was happiest in my life when I was here in Seoul, singing, acting, living my life here. As Denise, I was stuck back at home in Indiana and I was unhappy. I don’t want that, that’s not me anymore. I belong here. I have no doubt about that.”

“Yes, you do. You belong with YGE, have you made a final decision? We are ready to have you back as our rising star. I have a team ready to start a new album and get you prepped for your coming back. I see such bright things in your future and truly feel that by you staying here, you will have the best opportunity. So MiRae, what have you decided dear girl?”

“President Yang.” I said taking in a deep sigh. “I want you to know that I have appreciated all you have done for me since I became a part of this family. I am so thankful that I was welcomed into this family with open arms and that I was given an amazing opportunity to start my music career here. I am forever grateful. I feel like I am indebted to you. However, I have decided not to resign with YGE.”

His face dropped. “MiRae, you have so much potential, please tell me you aren’t giving up on your career!”

“No, no, I’m not. I plan to look at other options and move on from YGE. I want to do what is best for me. Staying here and living in Seunghyun’s shadow and daily being reminded of him, it would be far too difficult for me. I don’t feel like I would be able to put out the best music if I stayed here. As much as this place is my home, there are some painful memories here too. I’d feel stunted and stuck if I stayed here. That is why I really believe it’s best that I look at other options. In order to truly move on I need to do that. I hope you can understand.”

“MiRae of course, I understand. I respect your decision, but know you are always welcome back here. We are always behind you here at YGE. You are very loved and respected.” He said standing up and moving over to my side of the table reaching out and taking my hands in his. “It saddens me to lose such talent, but I know that whatever label you choose will be so very lucky to have you. You know you are always welcome to visit and hang out anytime. You will remain a part of this family, even if you are not an artist here.” He smiled kindly.

I squeezed his hands and let go standing up and bowing at him. “Thank you Sir. Thank you. I know that I am welcomed here and I appreciate so much your understanding.”

“Good luck in the future my dear girl.” He smiled and bowed. “Remember, you can always come back if you choose.”

“Thank you, Sir.” I bowed again and left. As I wandered down the hallway and I breathed in a deep sigh. I was sure of my decision, but it was still hard. A part of me would always be stuck here at YGE. These people were my family and while I knew it was best to move on and restart in another place, I would always love this place. Before long I found myself  in the lounge on the 5^th floor that Seunghyun and I would hang out in during his breaks from rehearsal or recording.

As I walked in I took in the room. It was always my favorite place, my little piece of heaven in this building. I missed Seunghyun so much, especially now in this moment. I knew he’d be proud of me for standing up and making this decision. I could almost feel his happiness. He always told me that I should never doubt what was best for me. That I should focus on myself and trust in myself more, because it was something I struggled with. He’d given me so much in the time we were together. He’d been a pillar of strength to me when I felt weak and lost.

As I stood and looked out the window and gazed at Seoul I could almost feel his presence there with me. Like I was wrapped up in his warm arms. My mind raced as I thought back through all we’d been through; back to the engagement, our first kiss, the first time making love, our first fight, him meeting my son, our time in the U.S. I’d shared so many things with him and when he died, I died too. Well a part of me did. I couldn’t be Deni without Seunghyun, it wasn’t possible, it’s why I chose to legally change my name to MiRae, because I was now MiRae…Deni was buried just like he was.

Tears streamed down my face as I thought about my current situation. I wasn’t sure what the future held at this moment. I knew I loved Jiyong, but had no idea what would happen with that. I knew I wanted to sing again, but didn’t know where to even look to start that part of my life. I wanted to act again, I wanted to be back on Running Man again, but was sure I’d burnt a bridge there. I didn’t have any place to live yet, no source of income, my son was back home in the states with his father. I needed someone to come in just tell me it would be ok, that I would be ok, that life would be ok.

“MiRae.” I heard a voice say, startling me. I turned around quickly to find Jiyong standing behind me. “Sorry I didn’t mean to startle you, babe. I just, I wanted to make sure you were ok. You hadn’t come down to meet me yet. I had a feeling I would find you here.” He smiled.

I smiled and wiped the tears off my face, walking up to him and hugging him.

“Sweet girl, why are you sad?” He said, hugging me tightly.

“What do I do now? How do I move forward, how do I go on?” I blurted out as I left the embrace and headed to the couch. “Ji, I have no place to live and no source of income and I miss Seunghyun, but I love you and I feel stuck and guilty and lost and and and….”I began to sob into my hands. Jiyong came over and sat beside me.

“I think you need to read this.” He said, handing me a letter.

I looked at him confused. “W-what is this?”

“It’s from Top hyung. He told me to give it to you, but you left before I could and I’ve been holding on to it until you came back.” He said, smiling.

“When did he give it to you?” I asked, playing with the envelope.

“Last time he came home on his visit. Top made me promise to give it to you if anything happened to him, but like I said, you left before I could give it to you. When you cut me off, I put away for safekeeping. I respected you and wanted to give you your space to figure everything out. So I held on to it. I thought about mailing it, but I felt it would be best to give it to you in person. I’ll leave you to read it if you like?”

“Please stay, Jiyong, please.” I smiled at him as I carefully opened up the letter. It was like a letter from heaven that I was reading in my little piece of heaven. I looked down at the paper and let the words penetrate my brain.

My Beautiful Amazing Denise:

If you are reading this then obviously I am no longer on this earth with you. I am sorry I left you this way, I didn't want to you must know that, but it was time for me to go away for now. I love you with everything in my being...everything I am. I will never forget the first day that I saw you in New York City, such a sweet girl, beautiful, adorable, precious even. I remember those eyes you had talking about James, I remember holding your hand the first time, I remember the first kiss, the first time we made love, I remember it all. Every moment I have spent with you the good, the bad, the ugly, the perfect has made me love you with a passion I never knew. I truly was able to come to the point of loving someone and lose my senses. Which is why writing this letter pains me so much. It pains me that I have left you and it pains me that I can no longer be there with you the way I want.

You are strong, Deni, don’t you ever forget that. Stand up for yourself and allow yourself to move forward. I know when it comes to your life, your future, you will make the right decisions. Don’t doubt yourself anymore, Deni, because you are fully capable of being your own person. For far too long you allowed others to walk all over you, to make you feel inferior, but as I watched you grow throughout our relationship, I saw a fire in you, a burning passion that I am sure has taken you a long time to see. I believe in you, I know you can do this, do it all. You have that power.

Oh, Sweetest Deni, I know you better than you know yourself so I know that you are probably sitting beside Jiyong right now. He's there, supporting you as I had asked him to back the day before I left. I made him promise that he would take care of you while I was away. I expected to come back, but obviously I don't get to. Also that night, I made him promise me that if I didn't come back, that he would love you as I have loved you. If anyone else gets to love you that much, it's going to be my dear friend and someone I know will treat you the right way and who loves you with the deepest of passions. If I know you like I think I do, you are probably sitting there with your jaw on the ground, pick it up now and listen to me carefully my love. 

Don't fight the love he has for you. You may not realize it but you have the full capability to love him back that deeply. I know that you will always love me and want to be with me...and I love you for that. But I don't want you to sulk around and live alone without someone to care for you. Jiyong can be that for you, let him be that for you, love him like he loves you...let him take care of you since I no longer can. Give him this permission Deni.

And know that this is not dishonoring me. If anything, it is honoring me and giving me the greatest of satisfactions to know that my dear friend and my best gal have found each other and are happy. You, my love, deserve that.

I'll always be around, in the stars, in your heart. 

I love you more than you'll ever know. 

Love, 

Choi Seunghyun

I grabbed the paper and placed it up to my face, bawling. “Jiyong, can, can you give me some time please. I’ll meet you down stairs in a bit. I just, I need…”

“I know sweet girl, you need space.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek and walked off.

I fell back into the couch clinging to my letter for Seunghyun. Even from beyond the grave, he was there for me. I was certain he had orchestrated this whole thing, having me end up in what I called My Heaven. Sending Jiyong to find me with a letter that would give me just a little more strength to push forward. He always had the perfect timing and perfect words. I smiled thinking about him releasing me to move on, with his friend his band mate. Part of me was sure that deep inside him, it hurt him, yet, most of me knew that he would be happy for Jiyong and me and whatever we had. Seunghyun was nothing if not selfless, he knew that connection Jiyong and I had and he, being selfless, let go of me and gave me full permission to move on in my life.

I smiled as I stood up and took in one last deep breath as I glanced around my heaven. I was ready now, to move forward and see where the paths would lead. I was ready to go out and reconnect with Jiyong and I was ready to push forward in my future. It was time to be Choi MiRae and be the strong woman I knew I could be. I opened the door slowly and smiled.

24/7 If talking about heaven

24/7 it feels like dreams, heaven

24/7 eternity, heaven

24/7 heaven let's go