As I sat on the plane, my mind raced. I was excited to get back to my home and refresh my life and see where things were going to go. Yet at the same time I was terrified. Things were going to be different. I had decided not to be a part of YGE anymore, to refresh and start out under a new company. It was partially because of the memories that YGE held for me. I knew I would walk in and see Top everywhere, he may be gone, but certainly wasn’t forgotten. Then there was the matter of Jiyong. I loved him, but wasn’t sure at all where we stood. I also still felt bad for loving him, I had been engaged to his band mate and friend, but I knew I loved Jiyong. I told him in his goodbye letter I wrote, figuring it would make it easier. Going home and facing him was going to be my biggest challenge. I was scared for what I would walk into. I didn’t know if he would accept me or not. Taeyang told me that Jiyong still cared, but had attempted to move on. He never answered me though as to whether Jiyong had a girlfriend now or not. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer.

Final descent. I looked out the window taking in Seoul again after so long. I remembered the first time I had come here, to visit my then boyfriend Top. I remembered being excited to get a peek at his life, his home, his world. I remembered feeling absolutely nervous and lost. This time I didn’t, I wasn’t lost at all, I knew this place now. I could speak the language now, though not fluently yet. I was excited to be back in South Korea, in Seoul, where I knew I belonged. What I was most nervous about though, was trying to refresh my life, but mostly I was nervous for what would happen between Jiyong and me. My feelings that I had realized I had, combined with the death of Top and my distress had made me run. Who knew what he would have to say to me, if he would say anything at all.

I’d never forget the day that Jiyong confessed to me his love. We were at BigBang’s  concert and he had been treating me weirdly so made him talk to me. The look in his sad eyes that night was heartbreaking. The words he said to me were still etched in my heart. "I like YOU, I want you to be with me not Top. I love you, I think about you, I wish we were the ones engaged right now, not...not..." Ah those words. They seemed simple enough, but I’d quickly learn how much they met to him and to me too. At the time he said them, I was madly in love with and focused on Top. And I remained that way until he died. I denied for such a long time the feelings I had for Jiyong, pretending they weren’t there and focusing on Top, whom I did love so much. I would have likely gone on to marry Top and love him, meanwhile, my heart would hurt every time I’d see Jiyong or talk to him.

I was lost in my memory when the wheels grazed the ground and the plane began to taxi to the gate. I took deep breaths and prepared myself mentally. Turning on my phone I sat in my seat, nearly in a trance. Before I knew it I was finally at the gate and I and the other passengers were unloading off the plane and walking into the airport. I gathered my thoughts and walked towards the front of the airport. In the past I would have had security guards and all amounts of protection, but being gone over six months and having changed my look, I wasn’t too concerned.

I made a lot of changes back in the states. I dropped 20 lbs, now I was even skinnier than before. Down to a size 2 and now more muscular. I let my hair grow out and died it black with fire engine red highlights. My glasses were gone, having had Lasik surgery. And my style was different. Now I dressed like Jiyong, mostly. I had always admired his style and when I decided to change, I chose him as my style icon. I also now had tattoos, one on each wrist. Then there was my eyebrow and nose piercing.  I had also legally changed my name to Choi MiRae. I was a new person on the outside, but inside, still very much like Deni; sad, lost, confused, timid and happy-go-lucky. I wondered if anyone would even remember me, with as different as I looked. I was about to find out. If my former security guard could remember me, know me as I was now, then surely others would, especially those I was closest to. I looked forward and looked for Cha. He had promised to pick me up and I was so excited to see him.

“Ms. Choi.”  I heard someone call out to me. I looked forward and saw his face. The face of my angel and protector, the face of the best bodyguard anyone could ask for.

“Cha!” I said, running towards him. He had always been a little more than my security guard, especially after Top had went into the army. He had become more of a friend, less of an employee. I smiled as I finally reached him, bowing and then giving him a hug. “You remembered me!”

“Of course Ms. Choi. Wow, you look so…different.” He smiled taking my backpack and walking with me to get my luggage. “You have changed a lot, haven’t you Ms. Choi?”

“Ne, I have. And please call me MiRae. We aren’t in a business relationship anymore, you are my friend, so please, please, call me MiRae.” I smiled at him.

“Ok, MiRae. Ah, it is very good to have you back. Are you happy to be back?” He asked helping me look for my bags in amongst the others.

“I am very happy, but I must be honest a little nervous.” I said, as I spotted a bag and pulled it off the carousel.

“Nervous, why are you nervous MiRae?” He smiled, spotting my last two bags and pulling them off the carousel in one fluid motion. He grabbed as many as he could and began to pull them behind him, while I pulled one myself.

“Well, I didn’t exactly leave in the best way Cha. And I told you through email, I certainly didn’t handle the situation with Seunghyun’s death in the best manner and I certainly didn’t handle Jiyong well. I’m nervous because I don’t know what I am walking back into. I just up and left, no word really. I quit my job on Running Man, I left YGE, and I left my friends and life all because I was too scared and lost. I keep wondering how people will respond, how they will treat me now. If I will be accepted back.”

We reached the car and Cha began to put my luggage in the trunk. Finally opening the door of the back seat and helping me in. He headed around to the other side and got in the back seat with me.

“Where to?” The driver asked in Korean.

Cha looked at me and I took in a deep breath. “YG Entertainment please.”

The driver nodded and headed away from the airport. Cha smiled at me and took in a sigh.

“MiRae, I am sure you will be accepted back by your friends. I still work for YGE, I know that they miss you, they talk of you often. As for the rest of South Korea, I cannot say. Do you think you will go back to Running Man? I know how much you loved being on that show.”

I smiled and slouched in my seat, nervously picking at my nails on my left hand with my right. “I don’t know, Cha. I feel as if I ruined my opportunity where Running Man is concerned. “

“What about your singing MiRae?” He said smiling kindly.

“I want more than anything to get back to singing, but not with YGE. Cha, I don’t think I could handle it, too many memories of Seunghyun and then, well, the issue of Jiyong. I can’t work with someone I love like that, especially not him. It was different with Seunghyun because we hardly worked together. And our relationship was long established prior to me becoming MiRae the singer. But with Jiyong, it would be…. it would be far to difficult.”

The car got closer and closer to YGE. I could see the building in the distance, getting bigger and taller the closer we got. I chose to come here first because I wanted to talk to President Yang.  We’d been in contact for the past six months and he wanted me back, I needed to let him know my final decision, I owed him that. Also, I wanted to see my friends, and I had hoped my boys would be there. Which reminded me I had promise to call Taeyang. “Cha, I’m going to make a phone call, please excuse me a moment.” Cha smiled and looked out his window as I dialed in Taeyang’s number.

“Yoboseyo.” He answered, I had missed his voice.

“Yoboseyo, Youngbae, its MiRae.” I said nervously.

“MiRae-ah! Are you finally back? Where are you?” He said, happily. He was so happy in fact I could feel his eye smile in my mind.

“Yah! I am back. I am in the car headed to YGE. I have a meeting with President Yang to go to and I was hoping to catch up with whoever was there.”

“Aye. Everyone will be so glad to see you back and have you back on our team. We’ve all missed you so very much MiRae-ah.”

“Youngbae, I’m not coming back to YGE. I…I…. I just can’t do it. That’s why I have to talk to YG, because I have made my final decision. Are you there now? Are the other guys there now?” I said, really just wanting to know if Jiyong would be there.

“MiRae noona. Yes I am here. As is everyone else, accept Daesung, he’s in Japan right now promoting his solo project.”

“Oh, ok. Which means…ok.” I said, looking out the window as we to the road the building was on.

“Noona, would you like me to meet you at the door?”

“Youngbae, would you please?”

“Of course! Ah MiRae noona, I am so glad you are home.” He said happily.

“Me too, Youngbae, me too.” I tried convincing myself, as we got ever closer to my destination.