Still furious after what Seohyun said, I clenched my fists a few times before I took a deep breath. I really wanted to scream and shout at her but it would seem kind of immature from me.

 

"Seohyun, let's talk in private." I proposed quietly.

 

She nodded while she was endlessly sobbing. I tried to get up but Donghae stopped me halway and declared he was coming with us.

 

"No, Hae." I protested gently as Seohyun glared at him. "Look, she's my friend. I can at least do that for her. Trust me?"

 

He frowned lightly but let me go nonetheless after he sent a warning grunt to Seohyun. I lead her to my bedroom and she followed me without saying a word. She sat down on my bed and I decided to sit down on my desk chair so I could face her. We just looked at each other silently. Her sobs were a little weaker now and she wiped her wet cheeks.

 

"Oppa..." She weakly spoke." Please tell me this is all a dream... Please Oppa..."

 

"I'm sorry Seohyun." I sincerely said.

 

"But why?" She insisted. "I saw you with girls before, Oppa!"

 

"It's more complicated than that, Seohyun." I tried to explain. "I'm not literally speaking gay. I don't feel any attirance for any other guys except for H - Donghae. I can stil have feelings for women."

 

"This is wrong, Oppa. What about your parents?! Do they know?!"

 

"I - No, they don't but -"

 

"Have you even thought about how they will react at this?!"

 

"No, but - ..."

 

"This is insane." She cut me once again. "Have you even thought about my feelings - their feelings? They're going to freak out!"

 

"Look Seohyun. I can perfectly sort things out with my own parents without you butting in, so stay out of this please." I said sternly. "And about you." I continued more softly. "You know you're really important to me but this is it. I don't have any feelings for you."

 

More tears fell from her pretty eyes.

 

"Is it - Is it because of him? If you would have not met him, would I have a chance with you?"

 

"I honestly don't know. He makes me feel things I've never experienced before. I've never liked someone as much as I like him. I won't let him go."

 

"Oppa...!" She cried out.

 

She abruptly got up and grabbed my face to force on mine. When I felt her cold and wet lips, I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. I pushed her away with all my force and frantically rubbed my mouth with my sleeve.

 

"Why did you do that?!" I yelled at her.

 

I saw her opening to speak as well but realization suddenly hit her. She seemed shocked, her eyes wide and her lips trembling while she was crying silently again.

 

"Oppa... You love him, don't you..." She breathed.

 

What?

 

I stared at her dumbfounded. She blinked a few times and then wiped her eyes slowly.

 

"I didn't know you love him..." She mumbled. "This is completely crazy..."

 

"Wait, no - I don't - I mean, I -..." I stammered.

 

"You still haven't realized it yet, right Oppa? You were so naïve since we were young..."

 

"But realize what?" I asked frustrated. "I-..."

 

"Oppa I - I'll just go for now, ok? It hurts too much, I can't look at you right now. But I love you and that won't change. I'm going to fight and I won't let you go. Just keep that in mind."

 

She took her bag and disappeared seconds later, leaving me completely lost and confused by her sudden words.

 

That's not possible. That's so not possible.

 

What does 'love' even mean? A strong infuation toward someone? I liked him, yes, it was undeniable now. But love?

I loved Mum. I loved Dad. I loved Arah (sometimes).

 

Did I love Donghae?

 

Of course, I had relationships before and I've always cared for my girlfriends sincerely but I was almost sure I've never loved them.

I knew it because everytime I touched them or kissed them, I've never felt anything stronger than slight happiness and a little pleasure. I was almost nineteen already and like every healthy teenagers, I should practically be chasing around for a good . I've already had a few times with my girlfriends but it wasn't all that great and butterflies. It was highly pleasurable but only on the physical aspect of the act. Not emotional.

 

Usually, girls that I date would dump me first because they felt like I didn't have real feelings for them.

It was kind of true so I couldn't really try to stop them.

 

As I was still deeply thinking over what Seohyun-the- told me, the door quietly opened to let Donghae go in with a small smile. I was too shaken to smile back but waved at him at the least.

 

"Are you okay?" He asked.

 

I didn't reply but sat on the bed next to him.

 

"What happened? She went out of your room like she had seen a ghost or something. And you look the same."

 

"Did... Did Changmin go with her?" I asked without replying.

 

He frowned but answered that he did.

 

"Good. It's late already..." I muttered quietly.

 

"Kyu, are you okay?" He asked.

 

"I'm fine." I said.

 

I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

 

 

 

When I was with Donghae, every smile, every touch, every kiss made me blush furiously. It wasn't slight happiness or a little pleasure that I felt when I was with him. It was so much more than that. I always felt so warm and so genuinely happy to just know it was his hand that was tightly holding mine.

And if I ever had - or made love with him, I think it will be one of the most beautiful day of my pitiful existence.

I knew I would cry so much if one day he says I don't care for him because he's one of the only thoughts that always cross my mind wherever I am and whenever it is.

 

Do I love him...?

 

 

 

On that sweet note, a week flew by and it was suddenly almost Christmas vacation.

I was still pondering over my true feelings for Donghae while the university slowly changed colors into red and green. Everybody seemed happy and joyful the day before holidays. I was sitting quietly in my chair in the classroom, looking at the snowflakes falling slowly on the ground to disappear within the white coat.

 

"Hey hyung!" Henry greeted me as he sat down. "How are you?"

 

"I'm fine..." I replied absent-mindedly.

 

"Me too! More than happy! Tomorrow, I'm going to Canada with my parents and my brother, I'm so happy. I'm going to meet all my friends!"

 

"That's great..."

 

"You're sure you're okay?" He asked once again concerned. "Have you eaten yet?"

 

"Not yet."

 

"Okay, let's grab something. I haven't either."

 

He pulled on my arm and forced me to get up. "You're the hyung so you'll treat me, right?"

 

"Yeah, yeah, of course, stupid Canadian/Chinese red head." I grumbled as I was dragged to the cafeteria.

 

He was talking endlessly until we met Hankyung hyung and Leeteuk hyung in the hallway. They were also going to the cafeteria so we decided to tag along. I kept silent as they happily chatted about their vacation destination.

 

"Kyuhyun, you're okay?" Hankyung hyung asked.

 

"What? Oh yeah..." I replied quietly as I sat down with my empty tray in my hands.

 

"What happened?" Leeteuk hyung asked.

 

I just shrugged and opened my chocolate milk.

 

"Hyungs... What is love to you?"

 

"Love?" Hankyung hyung repeated. "Why do you ask?"

 

"I just - I'm confused right now..."

 

"About what?" Henry tilted his head on the side as he munched on his spaghetti.

 

"About everything. Donghae and me, mostly."

 

"Oh." Hankyung hyung nodded. "You begin to thing about your relationship once again because you feel like something changed. You wonder if it's just a crush or if it's love."

 

I looked at him surprised because he exactly understood how I felt.

 

"I know how it feels, Kyuhyun. Heechul and I went through the same phase before, you know? But now it's fine."

 

"How did you know?"

 

He seemed to think about it for a while until he grimaced a little. "I don't really know, actually. Personnaly, it was when ChengQi - my ex-girlfriend - discovered about Heechul and forced me to make a choice."

 

"You chosed Heechul hyung?"

 

"No... I - I chosed her because it seemed like the easier way for me and to please my friends, my family, everybody. Except Heechul and me, I guess. It was horrible after. I couldn't smile, laugh or anything anymore. I just missed him so much. I couldn't touch ChengQi anymore, I just craved for his body. It really was horrible..." He breathed and looked down at the table.

 

"I'm sorry, Hankyung hyung."

 

"N - No, that's fine." He said with a trembling voice. "I - My parents were really mad at first but they eventually accepted it. I decided on my own to stay in Korea so I could stay with Heechul - he's way too lazy to learn chinese anyway. And ChengQi's still my friend even though Heechul happily hate her now."

 

"Then do I need to chose between someone else and Donghae himself to know if I love him? Because it seems a little too radical for me, hyung..."

 

Leeteuk hyung laughed a little and patted my back. "No, you don't, Magnae. Hankyung and Heechul didn't have chance at that time. Hankyung's education didn't allow him to accept the fact he loved a man. The fact he was gay. So he put ut with ChengQi, thinking maybe someday his feelings will fade away. It didn't, obviously, and it hurt him. If you love Donghae, than you'll know it one day."

 

"I was in love with a girl, before..." Henry said. "Her name was Lauren. She's from New York. I knew it when I first kissed her."

 

"But I already first kissed Donghae."

 

"Was it any different than any other kisses?"

 

"Yes it was. I really was..." I sighed dreamily.

 

I perfectly remembered the way his plump and smooth lips caressed my own, my chest pressed against his. Our toungue dancing together on a sensual song, panting through our kiss.

 

"Earth to hyung." He laughed. "It's obviously more than a crush, hyung. Everybody knows that"

 

"I don't know... I - I feel like you're right since a long time, but - I've never loved someone before, I'm scared I might be wrong and end up hurting him. What happened with that Lauren?"

 

He shrugged uncomfortably and took a spoonful of rice. "We had to break up eventually, I had to go to Korea and she had to move to England... I miss her so much though..."

 

"Look, didn't your sister already told you about that? You make things too complicated." Leeteuk hyung said.

 

"He's right. Just go look at him and ask yourself 'Do I love him or not?'. Then you'll know." Hankyung hyung added. "I guess."

 

 

 

"Hey, Kyu. You wanted to see me?" Donghae said brightly as he went in my room.

 

I nodded silently, avoiding his eyes.

 

Do I love him or not?

 

Do I love him or not?

 

What do I always face complicated problems? I shout convert myself into a monk. In India.

 

"What is it?" He asked.

 

I didn't reply and began to play with my shirt, still not meeting his eyes.

 

"It's been how many month since we're together, Hae?" I asked.

 

"Not too long, something like two or three weeks maybe?" He said.

 

"Really? I feel like it's been months already."

 

Do I love him or not?

 

"Well, if you count the months when we were only kissing and things, then it's been four months." He said.

 

"Let's count them because honestly we weren't just 'playing', weren't we? So it's been four months that we're a couple, right?"

 

Do I love him or not?

 

"Hmm, right." He acquiesced. "Why, you don't want to break up, don't you?"

 

"No! No, of course not! I just need to sort some things out."

 

"What kind of things?"

 

Do I love him or not?

Do I love him or not?

 

"Just things."

 

I decided to gather all my courage and looked up at him.

 

Do I love him or not?

 

He was smiling brightly, his brown hair were falling on his forehead making him look so damn y. His plump lips were pratically calling me to kiss them. He took my hands in his and kissed it gently.

 

"What is it, Kyu?"

 

"I -"

 

His eyes were so beautiful, brown and big, and I felt like I could drown in them. They were shining brightly with a strong feeling. A beautiful feeling like love.

 

I blushed lightly and put my hands on his cheeks.

 

"Hae..."

 

"What? You look so serious, did you ate something wrong?" He joked.

 

"That's not the right time to say jokes, Lee Donghae!" I frowned. "I won't say it again for today so you better listen carefully..." I muttered then.

 

"Hmm?"

 

I stared at him and leaned down until my mouth was inches away from his ear.

 

"I... I think I love you."

 

 

 

I wrapped my arms around his neck as he stayed silent. My heart was thumping crazily in my chest as I nervously waited for an answer.

Was he going to reject me? Did I just make a fool of myself? Will he believe me?

 

All thoses thoughts crossed my minds as an incredible speed, making me feel dizzy with nervousness until he spoke again.

 

"You... You love me...?" He repeated in a breath.

 

I nodded. "I think I do..."

 

"Say it again."

 

"No, it's too embarassing."

 

"It's not embarassing, Kyu." He chuckled and made me look at him.

 

His eyes were beaming incredibly it was almost blinding because of the happiness and the love I could saw.

 

"Do you want me to tell you a secret, Kyuhyun?" He whispered. "I think I love you too..."

 

He bended down and kissed my lips slowly and gently. Lovingly.

 

"I love you. I love you. I love you." He repeated again and again as he continued to kiss me endlessly.

 

I replied eagerly, feeling warm and happy.

 

I think I know what love is now.

---

Here it is!

Oh my God, I'm almost crying right now T-T

I don't know about you guys but I'm so happy Kyuhyun finally confessed to Donghae (even though you can find it quite cliché). And it actually , doesn't it? But I wanted to do it, so yeah. the whole universe (sorry, my bad, I'm tired so I tend to be impolite).

 

Next chapter is about their holidays (you might like it)!

 

Thank you for reading and commenting and subscribing, as always.

 

Thank youu ~