Sometimes I became upset with Yongguk for what he thought were petty reasons. They were always extremely important to me, but he couldn’t understand. I reacted in ways I thought were appropriate but he would usually tell me I was being immature. He couldn’t understand.

During these periods it wasn’t uncommon for me to not speak to my boyfriend. I didn’t like not speaking to him, but it was the only thing I could think to do to get back at him for hurting me. He still left me notes in the mornings and still came in and kissed me first thing when he got home, but I ignored him.

I had been giving him the silent treatment for several days following the humiliating exchange in our living room. I felt foolish for trying to seduce someone who hadn’t wanted to touch me for thirteen months. It didn’t make sense that he would suddenly want me again. I needed to accept that I wasn’t attractive to him any longer.

I went to bed before he did each night, taking my medication without any protest. It wasn’t normal but he never commented on that. After four days of not speaking to Yongguk I became even more upset with him because he wasn’t even trying to fix things. I grabbed all of the spare pillows from our house and built a wall between my half of the bed and Yongguk’s half. I didn’t even want him to breathe on me. He didn’t deserve it.

I fell asleep pressed against the wall with a stack of pillows on my other side, but when I woke up Yongguk’s arms were wrapped around me and I was flush against him. I tried to push him away from me but even in sleep he was stronger than me. After realising I couldn’t escape the only thing left for me to do was cry. I couldn’t get him to touch me when I wanted him to, but when that was the last thing I could have ever wanted I couldn’t make him take his hands off of me. It was just another thing I had no control over. I wanted control.

My crying must have woken Yongguk up because his grip tightened on me and he made calming noises as though it was some external force that had upset me. He probably assumed I was having a nightmare or that my crazy was acting up. “It’s okay Channie… It’s okay… I’m right here…”

I wiped my face on his shirt, making sure that I got snot all over him, and whimpered. “That’s the problem…” I punched at him weakly, trying anything I could to make him leave me alone. He was making things worse. He wasn’t supposed to make things worse. “Don’t touch me… do not touch me Yongguk…”

“Himchan?” He pulled back and I tried to pretend I didn’t notice the hurt look on his face. I didn’t want to see that I had crushed him with my words. I just wanted him to stop touching me. I wanted to stop hurting. “Himchannie?”

“Don’t touch me. Do not touch me.” My words seemed to have the opposite affect though. He only tightened his grip on my body. I hated that I could only think he was assuming I was having a mental break down. He probably thought I wasn’t really seeing him. “Leave me alone Guk…”

“Channie… tell me what you’re seeing?”

“I see my boyfriend that doesn’t want to screw me because he doesn’t want to catch my crazy. I see my boyfriend who is no longer attracted to me. And I see that same boyfriend who won’t take his hands off of me even though I’m begging him to…”

“That’s what this is about Channie?” He sighed but loosened his grip on me. “We talked about this…” That was true. He had decided that required too much energy and was therefore bad for me. He had made this announcement after one of my fits and had stuck to it. I hadn’t believed him at the time, and even then I’d thought it was because I was gaining weight. However he hadn’t changed his mind even after I’d lost the weight. I knew it had to be about my crazy. “I don’t want to exhaust you… you’re already seeing Chunghee and hearing the voices…”

I managed to tear out of his grip and got out of our bed. I didn’t want to be around him at all. “I’ll just go take my pill. Where do you keep the bottle?” If he told me where they were then that would be the best sign that he was hurt. I wasn’t allowed to know where my medications were kept. Not after I’d thrown them all away several times.

He shot me a quick glare but rolled out of bed as well. He stormed out of the room and returned with my pill. He put it in my hand and then left again. I heard the shower turn on and listened to the water fall for a while. I wanted to join him but I knew better. We were fighting. He would want to see me even less than he usually did.

After much debate I sighed and followed my boyfriend into the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet, keeping my eyes down so I couldn’t see his body. “Guk?” My fingers laced in my lap and I struggled to sit still. I didn’t want him to be upset with me. He was all I had. “I’m sorry that I yelled at you… I love you.”

“Do you really think I don’t want you that way?” He asked after a while. I hated when he took so long to answer me. It made me think he was really truly angry with me. “Channie, I would love to be able to touch you like I use to. You’re unwell and I’m afraid of making you worse…” He sighed and the sound from the shower changed. I felt his wet hands grab onto my clothing and pull them off. He held my wrist tightly and pulled me into the shower, pulling me to his chest. “I love you Himchan. I didn’t mean to upset you…”

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woo~ update~ this chapter was just himchan being upset at yongguk. he wants his boyfriend to love him but his boyfriend won't. that's all. the next time i update i'll have started uni again. dnw. so that's all
see you thursday~ hopefully you'll leave me nice comments.