After Yongguk had burst his stitches and I had threatened to kill myself Yongguk was far more willing to stay home with me. He hovered constantly and whined whenever I tried to take care of him. He disliked being taken care of, he always had.

I was supposed to be asleep but I had decided to hide the sleep poisons under my tongue when he gave it to me. I wasn’t tired but he had been adamant that I needed to take it even though he had promised me I didn’t have to any longer. He seemed to think it would somehow make me feel better. I wasn’t going to take them though, I would just pretend so he wouldn’t keep bringing it up.

“Hi, Mom.” I kept my eyes closed when I heard Yongguk start speaking outside the bedroom door. I wasn’t sure if he would come into the room to check on me. “My arm is fine. Of course it feels like I got shot, Mother, I got shot.”

He talked to his mother regularly. They actually had a relationship unlike my parents and I, and even though I never said anything I was incredibly jealous about it. My parents hated me. I tried not to think about it because it only served to depress me further.

“Channie is sleeping, he had a crappy day… I want him to sleep so he’ll behave when Doctor Kim comes over in a few hours.” I nearly got out of the bed to go and yell at my boyfriend for calling my doctor when I had specifically told him not to. He never listened to me. After I had already thrown the blankets off of me I realised that he would just try to make me take medicine again if I got up, so I covered back up and continued pretending to sleep. “Yeah, it was that bad Mom.” He stayed silent for a couple of seconds so his mother could speak. “Apparently he was this way when we started dating.” Another pause. I inhaled sharply. I didn’t want him to talk about this anymore. “His friend from university, we just found out he isn’t real. Himchannie didn’t take the news well. He asked if I was real… He’s never questioned that before.”

I wished I could hear what his mother was saying. I was fairly certain she was worrying about her son, but I still wanted to know. “Of course I’m not fine, Mom.” His voice sounded strained. “My boyfriend is getting worse, I’m not helping him at all. His medications aren’t working, he’s unhappy, he threatened to kill himself. Of course I’m not fine.” He tried to speak more it seemed, if the strange sputtering noises were anything to go by, and then broke down. I felt my heartbreak just from hearing the sound. I didn’t want to make him cry. “I can’t do anything for him Mom… Why can’t I do anything for him?”

I listened to Yongguk sob into the phone for a while longer, trying to ignore the way he begged his mother to make everything all right again. I felt guilty because it was my fault he was hurting so badly and there was noting I could do to help him. I was the problem. “I love him Mom… I know I don’t have to stay with him. I want to…”

I curled up in a ball, trying to block him out but it was barely effective. He was sobbing in the living room. I didn’t like hearing him make those noises. He continued making horrible noises for what felt like hours and they only stopped when there was a knock at the door. He apparently pulled himself together when my doctor showed up and was able to bring him into our bedroom. I hated him almost as much as I hated hearing Yongguk cry.

Yongguk shook me until I whined and opened one of my eyes. “Hi Baby, I’m going to apologise before you realise what I did so hopefully you won’t be too mad at me…” He tried to smile at me but it came out as more of a grimace. His eyes were red and puffy and even if I hadn’t heard him crying I would have been able to tell. “I called Doctor Kim, he’s here to talk to you.”

“Tell him to go away…”

“We have to talk about this Himchan.” My doctor sat down on the foot of my bed and I glared at him. “I want to help you, please let me?” I looked up at Yongguk and when I saw how desperate he looked I nodded my head. I didn’t want him to cry anymore. “Yongguk said you had a week. Tell me about it?”

I shrugged my shoulders and looked away from him. There was nothing he could do about my problems. My best friend was a hallucination. He couldn’t make him real. “Guk got shot and I found out my best friend from school wasn’t real. There’s nothing you can do about it, what do you think you can do?”

Yongguk got into the bed next to me and pulled me into his chest. I curled into his body and he rested his chin on top of my head. At least he still loved me. “There isn’t much I can do Himchan…” He sighed softly. “I can try to change your medication again or I can help you get put back into a hospital?”

“I’m not going back!” I tried to sit up but Yongguk was strong enough to hold me still. Tears stung at the corners of my eyes but I wouldn’t let them escape. I didn’t want to go back to the hospital again. It was horrible there and I couldn’t be around Yongguk when I was a patient. I didn’t want to go. “Don’t make me go?”

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to Himchan, but it would help.” My doctor looked at me like he was sorry for me. I didn’t want pity. I just wanted him to make me better. “Are you taking your medicines?”

“Most of them.” I knew better than to lie to him. Yongguk would tell him the truth if I didn’t. I wasn’t taking the sleep poisons. “I don’t take the night time poisons because I don’t like how they make me feel…”

“Please start taking them again? They might help.”

I opened my mouth to say I wouldn’t but Yongguk put his hand over my face and agreed before I had the chance. He had told me I didn’t have to take them anymore. He was a liar. “He’ll start taking them again. Anything to help.”

“If that doesn’t work we’ll try to change your prescriptions.” He patted my leg and I shot him a glare. I didn’t like it when he touched me. I never had. “Yongguk is real, Himchan, if that’s any consolation at all.” It was, but I stayed silent so he wouldn’t have the satisfaction of knowing that he had made me feel a little bit better. 

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Uh, so yongguk called his mother and cried and then the doctor came over. yeah. i should just stop with the author's notes. i have nothing to say. mostly because i update three minutes before i'm supposed to leave for school when i'm still in pyjamas.
comments are appreciated~ lots~