I stopped speaking to Yongguk again after the detective had spoken to me. I knew he had been telling the truth. Yongguk would be better off if I killed myself. I was afraid though. Being alive wasn’t amazing but it was better than not existing, right? Yongguk’s life could have been happier though if I stopped existing. It was something I had to think about.

I wasn’t sleeping in the same room as him and even though he was taking a few days off of work we spent almost no time together. When we were in the same room I didn’t speak and after I ignored him the first few times he gave up trying to speak to me as well. He gave me my medicine when he had to but neither of us said anything. I didn’t even look at him. How could I look at the man whose life I was ruining? I didn’t deserve to even be in the same room as him much less look at him as though we were in some way equals.

Three days passed in complete silence. Things were so tense that neither of us even the television. I caught him looking at me longingly when we would sit in the same room and his eyes stayed on me whenever I came out of the bathroom after a shower. He stared at me with some sort of strange longing that I couldn’t understand. It didn’t make sense to me that he could want me at all. I only caused him pain. The detective had only solidified those thoughts in my mind.

There was something else weird about these days though. Other than the fact that Yongguk and I had absolutely nothing to say to each other. I was sleeping alone, but when I woke up every morning and the entire bed was messed up even though I had been the only person in the bed. I would wipe the tears off of my cheeks – because apparently I had been crying all night long – and walked out as though I didn’t notice anything wrong. I couldn’t ask about it. I wanted to push Yongguk away so he could be happy.

Things continued this way for over a week and I was starting to wonder why Yongguk hadn’t gone back to work. I couldn’t ask though. I just decided to assume that he had been sent on vacation or paid leave or something. It didn’t matter. He would go back to work eventually and it would be easier to not talk to him. It was hard to ignore him when he was staring at me like his heart was breaking. It wasn’t fair to him to have to be that way. I just wanted him to be happy. I really just wanted to make his life better.

On the tenth day of me ignoring Yongguk I woke up in his arms. I was in the guest bedroom but Yongguk was there. It was weird. I pushed him away and wiped at my tears. Before I could get out of the bed he grabbed onto me tightly and stared up at me with tears in his eyes. He didn’t cry very often. He didn’t like it. He held onto my waist with one arm and grabbed onto my wrist with the other. When I tried to pull away again his grip tightened. “Don’t go…” He whimpered. His voice was normally so deep when he woke up so it was weird to hear him whimpering this way. “Please Channie… stay…”

I tried to pull away from him again. He had to know this was what was best for him. I was doing the best thing. I bit my lip and tried to keep myself composed. Yongguk lost it though. The second my body moved backwards a gut-wrenching sob slipped past his lips and his threw his body against mine. I had never seen him like this and I found that I didn’t like it at all. He sobbed into my chest and I felt his tears slide down my bare chest.

I had no idea what to do so I kept trying to pull away from him. I knew that if I let myself see him this way I would stop trying to push him away from me but I couldn’t let myself do that. I needed to pull away. I needed to do what was best for him. He just didn’t realise that was what was happening yet. He would see it soon. “Himchannie… please?” His grip tightened even more, crushing my ribcage. “I can’t lose you Channie… I love you too much. I don’t know what I did, but I won’t do it again… I’ll get better I promise…”

Blood flooded my mouth from my lip and I felt my resolve cracking. Yongguk wasn’t the broken one. I hadn’t meant to make him feel that way. He was supposed to realise that I was the one who was broken. I was the one that should have been begging. Never Yongguk. His grip tightened even more and I broke down completely. I kissed the top of his head, “I’m sorry Guk…”

“Please don’t leave me… God please don’t leave me Channie…”

My own tears slid into his hair as I tried to figure out how to respond to him. “I have to Gukkie…” I mumbled, trying to ignore the wail released from his mouth. He wasn’t supposed to be this way. “Look what I’m doing to you… I need to do what’s best for you for a change…” I had no idea where the words had come from but I knew they were the best for the situation. They explained exactly what they needed to even if they caused Yongguk’s sobbing to increase. “I don’t want to, Gukkie, but I have to…”

I let him sob into my chest for over an hour until he had exhausted himself completely. His grip went weak and it felt like he was accepting defeat. In my mind it was his way of telling me he accepted what I was saying. He accepted that me leaving was the best thing for him. I put him on his back and he stared back up at me with empty eyes. Tears leaked out of the corners into his hairline but he didn’t make any noise until a soft “please don’t go Channie…” slipped from his lips before his eyes closed. 

____

I overslept by a lot so I didn't update this morning but here's this now~ Himchan is trying to leave Yongguk because he loves him and wants him to not have to suffer. Yep.
I hope you enjoyed~ Leave me comments~?