I was nearly in tears the next time Yongguk walked me in to his work. My boyfriend was sporting a new black eye and I had been the one to give it to him. Everyone knew it too. I could tell by the way they were looking at us. They all knew that I had punched Yongguk in the face.

Yongguk said that it wasn’t my fault and that I’d had a good reason to hit him, but I didn’t remember it at all. All I knew was that I had hit him. No matter what he told me that was something, in my mind, that was never alright. It wasn’t okay for me to hit him. It would never be okay.

I had been doing fine. I wasn’t throwing up any longer and had actually managed to get out of bed for the day. Then when I woke up the next morning I could only remember a small part of the day and my boyfriend had a shiner.

Yongguk was much better at ignoring the stares than I was. He led me through the office, apparently not caring at all that every person in the precinct was staring at us. He put me down on my mattress and sat next to me. “We’ll go out for lunch once I get my paperwork done, alright?” He smiled at me as though nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong though. I didn’t even deserve to breathe the same oxygen as him. He seemed to realise that I was beating myself up because he ran his fingers across my cheek. “Don’t be upset Baby?”

I rolled away from him and pulled the blankets up over my head. He tried to remove them but I held onto them as tightly as I could. I didn’t deserve to look at him. He shook me gently for a few moments, pulling at the blankets. I curled even tighter so he couldn’t get to me. Eventually he would give up and leave like I wanted. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t need the voices in my head to tell me that. I knew it even before they had set in on me. “Hit me…?” I mumbled after Yongguk had stopped shaking me. I rolled over so – if I hadn’t been hiding under my blankets – I was facing him. “I hit you so you need to punch me back.”

He spluttered for about a minute before he managed to compose himself again. "I'm not going to hit you, Kim Himchan. You don't deserve that, or anything close to it. I love you, and I just want to talk to you, see your face, know you're alright before I start working." There was suddenly a weight on my chest and I didn’t know what it was until he nuzzled against my chest. “Please pull the blankets down Himchannie?”

I wiped the blanket against my cheeks before pulling it down to look at him. The blackened flesh on his face made me want to hide again and the voice in my head reminded me that I should have just suffocated under the blankets. I had hit my boyfriend. I was the lowest piece of garbage on the planet. I pet his head softly. He seemed to like that because he smiled softly and move closer to my hand. “You should hate me…” I whispered, not taking my eyes off of him.

The smile slipped from his face and he looked up at me. “There’s no reason for me to hate you. You didn’t see me, Himchannie…” He threw his arm over my body and pulled me closer to him. “I’m not mad at you Baby. Don’t be mad at yourself?” I could barely hear him over the voice in my head screaming at me and telling me that he was lying to me. Yongguk had every right to be angry with me. He should have broken up with me the second my fist had made contact with his face. Probably long before that even. He should have been with someone better. I was selfish for keeping him.

“I’m always mad at me Gukkie…” I looked away from him and tried to push him off of the mattress. A soft whining noise came from his throat and I sighed. “Can I just sleep Guk? I didn’t sleep well last night.” That wasn’t a lie. The voices had kept me up all night. I remembered looking at the clock at six AM and thinking that I had to be awake in several hours. Then the next thing I knew I was waking up at it was 8:30.

He nodded his head against my body and sat up. “I know you haven’t been sleeping lately. Sleeping is a good idea.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead and then to my lips – reminding me that I had given him a black eye as if it was something I would have forgotten if we hadn’t made eye contact. “I’ll wake you up when it’s time to take your medication.”

I nodded my head even though I knew I wouldn’t take the pills when he tried to give them to me. I had finally stopped being sick and I wasn’t going to be that way again. “Just get your work done.” I rolled over and pulled the blanket over my head again. I heard him tell me to sleep well and then he walked over to his desk.

I stayed still so he would think I was sleeping and did my best to ignore the voices in my head. They were arguing again. I only understood half of what they were saying and like usual it made me want to cry. I wanted Yongguk to work though. I didn’t need to bother him with my problems.

The only sound in the room was Yongguk typing until the door opened. Whoever had come in shut the door as quietly as they could, I assumed they had seen a lump on the mattress and hoped that they wouldn’t wake up Yongguk’s mental patient. “Yongguk-ssi?” Even though he was whispering I recognised Chief Jang’s voice. “How are you doing today?” The chair squeaked as he sat down. I had been telling Yongguk to get new chairs but he said he liked the ones he had.

Yongguk’s chair slid across the floor and I assumed that he bowed to his boss. I assumed he sat down again but there were no more sounds. “I’m fine Sir. How are you?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine.” The way he spoke made it obvious that he wasn’t there for niceties but I had no idea what else he would need. Surely he wouldn’t fire Yongguk. “You have a black eye Yongguk-ssi.” I cringed at his words. “The others are saying that Himchan hit you.”

“He did.” Yongguk spoke so calmly that it almost sounded like it was no big deal I had punched him. “Last night. I deserved it.”

“Yongguk…”

It was clear that Chief Jang wanted to say more but Yongguk cut him off. “I know we hear that all the time. Someone gets hit by their partner and they say they deserved it because they didn’t finish the laundry or they dropped a plate or something, but I’m not like that.” Yongguk was clinching his jaw and I knew that he was getting more upset with each word he spoke. I knew him well enough to know that soon he would start grinding his teeth and he was probably already clinching down on something so he didn’t react. “He wasn’t seeing things the way they were, Sir. He was having a fit, he was just so angry and he kept getting more agitated and he was yelling at people who weren’t there. I was afraid he would hurt himself… I know better than to grab at him when he’s like that but I tried anyway. He obviously wasn’t seeing me, he saw an attacker and he tried to defend himself.” He was so upset. I hated making him upset. “He didn’t mean to hit me, he just thought he was being attacked.”

Chief Jang sighed. “I know how it is.” I wondered if he and Yongguk talked about my disease when I wasn’t around sometimes. I knew Chief Jang understood our situation but I wondered if he helped Yongguk deal with what I would do to him. “You need to be more careful Yongguk, the others talk.” There were a few moments of silence and that only made me feel more uncomfortable. This was a bad situation. “Is he taking his medication Yongguk-ssi?”

“O-of course he is! I know how to take care of Himchan!” Yongguk slammed his hand down on his desk.

Someone sighed and I assumed it was his boss. Yongguk was probably seething. I knew he didn’t like it when people assumed he wasn’t taking care of me properly. “I know you do. He’s getting worse though… Almost every time I see him it’s like he isn’t really there. The last time I went to visit him he introduced me to someone who wasn’t there, and now this happened.”

“He’s fine.” Yongguk spoke in a voice that I was sure was meant to tell his boss that the conversation was over. “Himchan is fine.”

There was another sigh. “Okay. I’ll tell the others that Himchan didn’t punch you. Be more careful from now on, the others talk.” 

________

Here this is~ It's super late because I was off doing things all day but it's here now~ this is a longer chapter than usual if I remember correctly the rest of the chapters are longer. Uh, himchan had a fit and yongguk got hit and so they're a bit upset.
on another note my next door neighbour was getting high with the front door open today and when i got into my apartment it smelled like weed. so i had to go buy a new candle and new smelly stuff. i'm quite pleased that i picked nice smells but sad that i had to spend a whole bunch of money so my apartment didn't smell like weed anymore. that is all~
comments are appreciated.