Yongguk and I left for the hospital early the morning after I had agreed to go. He packed my clothing after I had exhausted myself and so after a quick shower and a warm breakfast we were in the car and he was driving out towards a hospital. He said it was different than the one I had gone to the first two times but I still didn’t want to go. He had given me one of his pain killers with breakfast – he said he asked my doctor if it was okay – so my arms didn’t hurt any more, but I still didn’t feel any better.

I stared at my lap started crying the second Yongguk buckled my seatbelt. Yongguk held my hand but it didn’t make me feel any better. We were going to be so far apart. This hospital was outside of Seoul and nearly forty minutes further away than the old hospital. I didn’t want to go.

“This is for the best Himchannie.” He whispered when we came to a red light. “You need help.” He was putting a good deal of effort into making me feel better but nothing could help me. I nodded my head but didn’t respond verbally. He leaned over to press his lips against my temple. “If I could help you at home you know that I would.”

I nodded again and used my free hand to wipe my cheeks. I wanted to stay with Yongguk. I barely saw him when we lived together, it was going to be impossible to see each other if we lived over an hour away from each other. “I’m broken…” I mumbled when the car started moving again. I couldn’t help but wonder if the hospital could put me back together again. The first two times had been only temporary and I only seemed to be getting worse. “I want to stop being broken.”

His grip on my hand tightened. “That’s what the hospital is supposed to do.” He didn’t say anything else for the rest of the long drive to the hospital. When we pulled up I noticed that the hospital looked more like a prison than a hospital. There were bars on the window and it was built entirely out of concrete. It didn’t look at all like the sort of place someone went to get better. The hospital looked like the sort of place one would drop off a lost hope.

“Are you ready to go in Himchannie?” He squeezed my hand when I shook my head. I didn’t want to be dropped off.  I wanted him to take me home and hold me and tell me that I was going to be okay. “I’m going to go sign you in, okay? You can stay in the car until I finish.” He opened his door and stepped out of the car.

“No!” I grabbed onto him and pulled him back in the car. “I want to go with you.” I tugged at him again and he looked at me like I was pathetic in some way. I didn’t want to be alone. He was dropping me off he should have wanted to spend every last second with me too.

He nodded his head as he unbuckled my seatbelt. He pulled out of my grasp and walked around the car to help me out. His arm slid around my waist and he pulled me right up against him. “I don’t want to leave you either. I want you to be healthy and happy though.” He didn’t look me in the eyes and he kept mumbling about the hospital was going to make my life better. He said I would be like I was before I was diagnosed, but we both knew that was a lie. I would never be that way again.

He held on to me as he filled out the forms, sniffling softly every once in a while. When I dared look up I saw a tear slip down his cheek and land on the forms he was filling out. “I’m sorry Yongguk.” I mumbled and looked back down at my lap. “I didn’t mean to turn out this way…”

Yongguk sighed and put his pen down. I saw that he was almost done with the forms and that there were far more wet spots on it than I had originally assumed.  I had made him cry again. I was tired of making him cry. “This isn’t your fault Channie. None of this is your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He pulled me into his chest and tightened his grip.

I clung to him but didn’t respond. He finished filling out the papers, pressing kisses to the top of my head every once in a while. “I changed my mind Guk…” I mumbled when he tried to stand up. “I want to go home now.”

He helped me to my feet and led me to the front desk. The woman took the forms from him and I heard her typing on the computer. I didn’t want my information in the computer. People would be able to find me if my information was in the system. “It’s going to be okay, Channie.” He kissed the top of my head again and I grabbed onto his shirt. “I’ll come see you soon. I promise.”

I nodded my head and felt someone grab me from behind. I tried to fight against him but Yongguk released me and let me be stolen away. I reached out for him but he didn’t try to get me back. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to go home and curl up in bed with Yongguk. It wasn’t fair that I had to be so far away from him. He was the only thing that gave me any semblance of happiness. He was all I had. “Mr Kim, calm down.” The person behind me tightened his grip on my body and I burst into tears again.

Yongguk slowly made his way over to me and wrapped his arms around me. “Go with them Channie, okay?”

I shook my head and grabbed back on to Yongguk’s shirt. “I want to go home. Take me home? Please?” The man holding onto me had too many muscles. He was dangerous. It was obvious. “I’m better now, just breathing the air made my brain better.” I wiped my face on his shirt and he tightened his grip on my body.

The nurse released me and let Yongguk pull me to his chest. I clung to him and he whispered into my ear. I’m sure it was supposed to be reassuring but it just made me want to go home even more. I hated the hospital. It was bad. Yongguk wouldn’t leave me here, he loved me too much for that.

It took two nurses to drag me away from Yongguk. I promised not to make a scene but I couldn’t stop crying as I was put in a bed and strapped down. It was just like the first time. They had strapped me down and pumped me full of poisons and then left me there for days. I knew it was a bad idea to agree to go to the hospital.

The strap on my chest was too tight. I told them and a woman nurse walked over. Her hair was bright red – obviously unnatural – and she smiled at me as though everything was okay as she loosened the leather strap. I felt like an animal.  

One of the nurses stuck a needle in my arm and before I could come up with a decent protest I passed out.

_______

And so Himchan is at the hospital so he can get better. He agreed to go but obviously doesn't want to be there. also the gif at the beginning makes me think of this story.
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