Yongguk clung to me after my decision not to break up with him. He took me to work with him every day and every chance he got he would curl up with me on my mattress and tell me how much he loved me. I felt like a terrible person for putting him in this state. I loved him more than anything; I wasn’t supposed to be the person who broke him.

I curled into him when he started biting his lip like he wanted to say something. Whatever it was seemed to be stuck in his throat. Unfortunately I knew that meant it was going to be a hard question. Probably about the almost break up. “Why did last week happen Channie?” He hid his face in my hair when the words finally came out. “How did it get there?”

That was exactly what I didn’t want to answer. I would have preferred to pretend like it hadn’t happened at all. I shook my head against his chest. I didn’t know how to explain my feelings to him. There was so many things I could have said to him. I could have told him about the detective, about how my own brain liked to try and sabotage me, or about the way I hadn’t ever felt good enough for him even when we were just friends. Those were all things I didn’t want to talk about though.  “Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen?” I mumbled and pressed a kiss against his body. “Please?”

“You left me Himchan… it happened…”

“I didn’t even get out of the apartment before I changed my mind…”

“That doesn’t matter. What happened?” Our fingers laced between our bodies and I pressed even closer to him. There wasn’t really a way for me to get out of this conversation.

When I tried to pull away Yongguk held onto me even tighter than he had in bed. Once again I struggled to control my sadness when I saw more evidence of what I had done to him. Yongguk wasn’t this type of person. “I just… you deserve better…” I mumbled, refusing to look at him. “The mean detective… he told me you wanted me to die… so I figured I could do that for you…” His grip let up for a few seconds before threw his arms around my body and squeezed me until I felt my bones popping. “I was scared of dying so I thought I could just leave and stay away so you could have a good life. He said you wanted me to go away…”

He crushed my ribcage again and flipped us over so he was hovering over me. “Don’t you ing dare.” I recognised that voice. It was the voice he used when he wanted me to think he was mad. He never actually got mad when I was in my right mind – and even when I wasn’t he wasn’t ever mad at me he was ‘mad at the situation’ – but he had an angry voice. Some people had a hard time understanding him when he spoke this way. I was use to it. “You need to listen to me very carefully Kim Himchan, okay?” He pushed me further into the mattress and I nodded. “You leaving would be terrible for both of us. You're the most important thing in my life. I want you here with me more than anything. Don't listen to anyone else; listen to me. Okay, Channie?”

“But he said…”

He cut me off with his lips, and then a glare when he pulled back. “I don’t care what he said. You know how he is, Baby. Why would you believe him?” I nuzzled into him, trying to pretend that I hadn’t heard him. I could pretend and then we wouldn’t have to talk about it. It made sense to me. “Himchan?” Apparently he didn’t feel the same way though. “Tell me?”

Pouting didn’t deter him at all and he poked my side when I didn’t respond. “I already think those things Gukkie… He just was the first person to tell me the things I already thought…” He wouldn’t like my words. He hated when I put myself down. There wasn’t really anything else for me to say though. “I’m not good enough for you Yongguk.”

His grip on my body tightened until I whimpered. It was obvious that he didn’t agree with my words. He was blind to how bad my disease was. For some reason he didn’t want to think that it affected us, or that it caused him any sort of harm. He always blocked out the bad.  His fingers pressed into my side and I felt his face press against my neck. “You’d better not kill yourself Himchan.” He kissed my throat as his fingers worked at my ribs. “I love you.”

“You’re dumb for that.”

“Oh well.”

“You could have someone without crazy.”

“The only person I want is my best friend. He might see things that aren’t there but that doesn’t make him crazy.” He kissed up my neck to my ear and pressed his lips against the cartilage just like the mean detective had done. “He’s beautiful, and smart, and the nicest person I have ever met. He was the only person who would hang out with the weird mute kid that carried a dirty Tigger doll around.” He on my ear gently as one of his hands s up the back up my shirt. “He stuck by that kid’s side for years and years. That weird kid fell in love with his pretty best friend and had no intentions of ever leaving him.” His hand stopped on my shoulder blade. “He still doesn’t. He can’t be happy if that pretty best friend isn’t there. The weird kid would be miserable if his gorgeous, perfect lover ever left or, even worse, killed himself.”

“Did that weird kid ever think he would let his best friend be completely dependent on him?” I kept my voice low, squirming in an attempt to get out of my boyfriend’s grasp. This conversation was getting weird. It needed to end.

“He didn’t, but something tells me he wouldn’t mind.”

____

Woo~ They talked and yongguk told a story about their past yay! So here's this, I'm running late like usual so I don't really have anything to say. I'm gonna go to class now. I hate this class more than I could possibly explain.
Leave me nice comments for when I get out of class~?