I hate doctors. I hate their waiting rooms, and sterile white rooms, and I hate the way they look at me. The only good thing about doctors was that Yongguk could come with me. He would get off of work and take me to my appointments, take me to lunch, and then go home with me. I liked spending time with him.

My doctor – a short middle aged man, with a bad toupee, who had been married four times and had more child support and alimony payments than he knew what to do with, at least according to the internet – had originally not wanted to allow Yongguk in with us, but when I had refused to talk without him my doctor had been without a choice. Yongguk helped me. “How was your week Himchan?” He always started with the same question. He tried to sugarcoat things as though Yongguk and I didn’t know what he meant.

“It was nice. Yongguk took me to dinner.” I nuzzled my boyfriend’s side and he squeezed my hand. He knew I was trying to misbehave. He knew I thought my doctor was a raging . “As far as I know I only saw one person that wasn’t real.” I mumbled, dropping my head into my free hand. I hated talking about this. “I was able to get out of bed five days this week as well.”

My doctor hummed and I heard his pen scratching across the yellow paper he always wrote on. I didn’t know why he couldn’t just use white paper like normal people. I hated that stupid yellow paper. I didn’t know what he was even writing down. I hadn’t even told him anything. “The person. How do you know they weren’t real?”

“Yongguk said so.” This appointment needed to end. There was nothing else this guy could do for me anymore. I was as healthy as I was going to get. I had accepted these things for the most part. “I was talking to a salesman and Yongguk came home. He gets this really sad look on his face when he sees me talking to the air. He looks at me like I’ve just kicked a child or something, I usually figure out that I’m hallucinating pretty quickly when I see that face.”

The doctor hummed again, still writing on that yellow pad. I couldn’t understand why Yongguk paid him to sit there and hum. The only use this guy had was for writing my prescriptions. Yongguk knew I hated him, he also knew that it was one of my missions in life to steal the man’s hairpiece. “You said you got out of bed five days, what about the other two?”

“I was tired so I stayed in bed.” I shrugged. “What’s the point of getting up if I don’t feel like it? I’m not allowed to clean because you said I might swallow chemicals. I’m not allowed to cook because you said I might see the knives and decide slitting my wrists was a really cool idea. I’m not even allowed to go shopping because you said I would give a credit card to invisible strangers or buy things I could use to kill myself. Apparently I’m a danger to myself and don’t even know it.”

“You know people with your condition are at a higher risk for suicide.” My doctor told me, sounding proud of himself. I hated him.

“You keep telling me.” One of his favourite things to say was that I was a thousand times more likely to top myself than my healthy boyfriend – it seemed like an exaggeration to me but Yongguk didn’t listen to me. It was almost like my doctor wanted me to kill myself to prove his statistics. He had managed to terrify Yongguk enough that my boyfriend had taken away most of my privileges. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m not suicidal. I wasn’t even suicidal when there was an imaginary man following me around and telling me I was fat. So get off it! Besides if I decided I wanted to kill myself I could do it with nothing more than the clothing on my back… I’m still allowed to wear tennis shoes.”

Yongguk tightened his grip on my hand and my doctor wrote something incredibly quickly. “Unfortunately we’re going to have to take shoelace privileges away.” I wanted to say something to him but I knew I had walked myself into this situation.  I always walked myself into these situations. “Now tell me what you did on the five days you got out of bed.”

I glared down at my lap. I didn’t do anything. I never did anything. “I swept a lot. I watched television, there was a marathon of some American murder show on. I thought about buying a puppy but then remembered that I don’t have any money.”

“Do you want a puppy Himchan?”

“I’m not allowed to have a puppy.” I spat at him. He knew that just as well as I did. He just wanted me to break his rules. That way he could tell Yongguk to take even more privileges away from me. “I just thought about it because I was lonely. I couldn’t go see Yongguk this week because work was busy. I had rice for lunch four times and chips the other day.”

I decided I was bored with the conversation and leaned over to rest my head on in my boyfriend’s lap. “Do you think you should eat better Himchan?” He asked, chastising me like always. He knew exactly why I wasn’t eating better.

“I use to eat well then you told Yongguk I wasn’t allowed to use the stove or oven or sharp things. You wanted to take the microwave away too. Remember? Do you have any brilliant suggestions on what I should eat if you aren’t satisfied with my diet Doctor?”

Yongguk slapped my arm, in a way he always did when he thought I was being completely rude or utterly unreasonable. It happened pretty much every time I went into public. I wasn’t a fan of socialising. “We’ll work something out.” He used this nice voice when he spoke to my doctor, like the man deserved any sort of respect. I hated that too. “I’ll leave food for him so he’ll eat better.”

“I will continue to eat rice. Don’t tell me what to eat.” I sat up, looking at the sad little man in the eyes for the first time since I had entered the room. He was pathetic. I glared. “They’re poisoning the food!” I opened my eyes wide and threw my hands up in the air. “The government!” My doctor got flustered and immediately started asking me questions but I only chuckled at him. “Every time. Well, It’s been a great two hours. I’ll see you next week.”

I got up from the couch Yongguk and I sat on every week and walked out of the room. Yongguk met me in the hallway, sighing as he pulled me into his arms. “I wish you would behave in there, Baby…” He kissed the top of my head and I nuzzled even closer to him. His smell comforted me and always calmed me down after I had been in that horrible room. “He’s trying to help.”

“He makes me feel crazy… I’m not crazy.”

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So here is chapter one. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave me pretty comments maybe while I go off and take my final exam~ :D