(Listen to Lonely by 2NE1 : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sssz9h2xP4w)

Kairi and Hoya had got along like a house on fire and instead of taking the car straight back home, my best friend decided to stay at my place for a sleepover. I smiled and relented, saying that that was the last time she was going to get away with anything from me. Woohyun also had a good time, for the first time I saw him dance and it was quite an eyesore, really. Hoya burned the dance floor and pulled me in too. By the end of the night, the three were exhausted.

But as I pretended to sleep off, all I could really hear was Jae Hyo’s voice, the tremble in my words when I said, “I cannot answer right now,” and left.

Woohyun needed time, I needed time. Our relationship had hit its first rough patch and whether it was something to get over or work on, it was a mystery.

“You’re not sleeping.” I turned to my left and smiled at Woohyun’s closed eyes, his mumble hardly above a whisper. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing really,” I mumbled back and rested my head on his. I placed my hand on his and sighed. “Just about us.”

“That’s ‘nothing’? Wow. Harsh.” I lightly punched his stomach, only to have him grab my fingers and look up at me.

“Seriously,” he whispered. “What are you thinking about?”

I blinked at him and shook my head. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” But Woohyun refused to listen and finally, when we reached home, he asked to meet me at the terrace. I left Kairi and Hoya in the living room with Mama, who was excited to hear about Jae Hyo.

“There was this one time—” And just like Da Hae, Mama gave an apologetic smile and said, “Nothing.” Tired of the night and the one question swirling in my head, I decided to save my energy for the talk with Woohyun.

I was sitting cross-legged on the swing when finally, he emerged from the dark, leaning against the door and smiling. “You look cute like that.”

“I know,” I said and grinned. I got off and stood next to the railing, rubbing my hands against my arms. “It’s cold.”

“Really?” Woohyun grinned. “Is the topic so bad that we need to talk about the weather first?” When I didn’t reply, he quietly stood next to me and mumbled, “What happened?”

Not sure how to start the conversation, I thought of Jae Hyo and closed my eyes.

“To be honest, I just wanted you to know that there was someone who liked you for who you are. That there’s someone who is not really expecting anything except a smile from you. Sending you notes that end with the words ‘secret admirer’ was juvenile and irrelevant. There’s nothing that would have happened if I did that. But just knowing that you would find yourself and feel like you belonged to this even more crazy world… I waited. But by the time I could gather enough courage to say anything, you had packed your bags and left.”

“When you saw me at the funeral,” I started. “What were you thinking?”

Woohyun didn’t look surprised and stared at the sky. “I’m not sure… I guess there are many ways in which I could describe my feelings. But if I kept it simple, I guess I would say…happy? I wanted to know how your dinner went, whether you were safe after the accident, whether you had ever thought of me. It was the first time I had ever felt attracted to someone the way I did to you. I just followed my feelings and the rest is history.”

“I was foolish to think that the way we met defined our relationship. I saved you the first time, doesn’t mean you need any more saving do you? You’re strong, I know that, but everytime I look at you, I always see the girl who was helplessly standing in the middle of the road, the headlights of a car swallowing her away from my sight. And I always instinctively jump out, the same way I did that night.”

“Did you ever feel like…” I made an effort to speak out the words with all sincerity. No more pretence. “Did you ever feel like you needed to protect me?”

Woohyun gave a small smile and took in a deep breath. “All the time. I think the only reason I didn’t hesitate to start dating you was because I was scared for you. I was scared that if I didn’t make you mine, then someone less worthy would take hold of you and the chances of you getting hurt would increase. I’ve always protected you Saya. You know that.”

It was the answer I dreaded. But Woohyun had promised me that he would keep confidence in me. That no matter what happened, he would never try too hard to shield me.

“But ever since you showed me the report,” he said. This time, a dark cloud hung over Woohyun’s smile, almost as if it were hiding deeper feelings. “I’ve been constantly questioning myself. It’s not about you anymore. It’s more about me. It’s more about you. We’re individuals of our own rights and just like me, you have every right to counter a decision I make. What’s right for me might not be good for you. Of course, no relationship can go without its flaws, right?

“So I decided, that this small problem that we have with us, would pass. I’ll stand next to you and wait for you to heal. When you turn around, I’ll be here and we will go on as if nothing happened.”

“He loves you for who you are, right?”

“I…” I stuttered. “I need to… heal?”

Woohyun nodded and smiled. “I know that rehab isn’t the best doctor, just like you told me. Everyone needs to help themselves. You haven’t been yourself lately and I guess it has everything to do with us returning to your home. Maybe some unwanted memories returned with you. But don’t worry. Once we get through this, you’ll come back to me. And then, we could continue loving each other.”

After that night, Woohyun’s words would go unheard. I would stare at him while he spoke to me and every time he smiled, I would smile back. I hardly knew what he was talking about, forget about understanding what he thought of me. I was rarely ever attentive to discussions now, whether it was with him or with my parents. From time-to-time, Mama would try to say something but it would take one look at my face to silence her.

“You’re fine the way you are, honey,” she said once. “He needs to know that this is who you are. Is he willing to wait and discover a whole new side of you, the side of you that he doesn’t think exists?”

Days passed and I knew that this time, I was wrong. I was becoming strange, not because I was being myself. But because pretending to be someone else was tiring me out. It took me a lot to admit it but when I did, Woohyun was there to hear it too.