35. Momentum Experientia

 

Momentum Experientia: "Moment of Personal Discovery"

 

 

 

"Beyond the borders of war and hate, a girl discovers..."

 

 

In that momentum experientia, enlightenment starts.

 

 

"... the fragments of the past she thought she'll never know."

 

 

 

= = = Soundtrack: Super Junior - Storm = = =

 

 

Halmoni's eyes looked exactly like mine.

 

Exactly like mine...

 

Halmoni's eyes...

 

"Child, you've been staring at me for quite sometime now."

 

Halmoni told me, which made me snap out of my trance and let go of her hands. I just shook my head, dismissing the observation, before chuckling.

 

"Oh, really? Aigoo. Chwesonghamnida. I must have thought of something deep." I apologized, my lips curving up into a smile.

 

"You know, child, you look a lot like my daughter, Chaeyeon-ah. She even smiles the same way you do." She told me, and at the thought of me looking like someone else, I couldn't help but chuckle.

 

"You laugh like her, too. Aigoo. You should stay with me for a while, child. This old lady actually lives alone now." She softly said, and I nodded, letting her put her hand on the small of my back and lead me out of the meadows to a small house just nearby.

 

"You live here, Halmoni?" I asked as she opened the door and let me in, and with a smile, she nodded.

 

The house might be small, but everything was very nicely done. There was even a fireplace, which made the house a little warmer.

 

"Take a seat, child." She told me while motioning towards one of the couches, and I sat while she took the smaller couch facing me.

 

"It's been quite a while since I saw you, child. My real name is actually Jung Younghae, so calling me Younghae Halmoni is okay. But, then again, I think I never asked for your name, right?" She told me, and after letting myself chuckle, I answered.

 

"Yes, and I didn't do the same back then, Younghae Halmoni, which is very foolish of me not to. By the way, my name is..." I was about to say 'Song Shirin', but remembered that I wasn't really a Song. I hesitated on telling my last name, which I really don't know, so I settled on saying on my first name.

 

"... Shirin."

 

At that exact moment, shock crossed her features and tears suddenly built up in her eyes. In nervousness, I immediately rushed to her and took out a handkerchief I had nearby to wipe her tears away. She just looked at me like she had seen a ghost before snapping out of her daze.

 

"I'm alright now, child. But... did I hear you right? Your name is Shirin? Not many people have that name..." She said, and with the thought that she's okay now, I nodded.

 

"True, Younghae Halmoni. Not many people have this name, and once I had wondered why I was called this way." I said truthfully, my head lowering, but I was surprised when Younghae Halmoni took my chin and made me face her.

 

"Tell me child, do you know who your parents are?" She asked me. I really didn't know if I should answer the question, truthfully. But when I looked at Younghae Halmoni's eyes which was like a mirror of my own, I found myself confessing everything.

 

"No, Halmoni. I don't know who they are. I don't even know who I really am. I've lived a life with two brothers and a rich lifestyle, once believing that I actually had a family even if it wasn't the normal 'parents-plus-kids' kind. I've grown up without actually having a mother's guidance whatsoever. I didn't grow up normally. I was a kid with no friends, but I don't know why that was so. I studied without anyone's help. I did everything on my own, while my brothers just funded my schooling." I began to say, and as I continued, tears sprang up my eyes.

 

"But even if I deny it, I lived my life wishing for a mother or grandmother... just an older sister even, since I never had a mature woman figure in my life. It was probably because of that fact that I tried to be as mature as possible quickly. I disregarded any opportunity for me to live like a kid because I know that I wouldn't get much except having fun, and that was the least I needed. I focused on studying very much, and my discipline never failed me. I had been achieving ever since I was young, but that was all I could have for myself... just plain effort." I said again, sobs gripping my whole frame this time.

 

"Then, when I finally had set all of the past aside... it comes to haunt me. At a crucial time in my life, the truth dawned on me that I was not who I think I was, that there actually was never an identity I could call my own. I thought I was actually somebody's sister, but in truth I was just a replacement of the real sister. It pained me, and ever since that moment, I've been trying my very best to escape it. Sometimes, when I'm left all alone, I wonder what kind of mother I actually had... but I couldn't think of anything."

 

I couldn't speak any longer after that as I buried my face in my hands and cried out everything that was in my heart. It was just when Younghae Halmoni held me in her arms with fresh tears staining her cheeks did I stop crying.

 

"Halmoni, you're---" I was about to say when Younghae Halmoni's voice cut me off.

 

"Chaeyeon-ah, I've finally found her."

 

This made my eyes widen, and I gently pushed against Younghae Halmoni for her to release me. She did, reluctantly, before looking at me.

 

"What do you mean, Younghae Halmoni?" I can't help but ask her as she continued to gaze at me.... quite lovingly.

 

"Shirin-ah, would you be angry if I tell you that... I actually am your grandmother?" She asked me back, and it silenced me.

 

But the next words she said not just silenced me... it stunned my entire being.

 

"Everything that you've said earlier... fully conformed with the story of my daughter Song Chaeyeon, and her daughter... which I had requested to be called Shirin."

 

And the story of Song Chaeyeon was brought to the light.

 

= = =

 

"Why can't you listen to me, Chayeon-ah?! That man spelled trouble, but why can't you stay away from him?!"

 

Many times I have told my daughter to stay away from people who just look for trouble... but she never listened to me. She was always fearless, headstrong, brave. She fell in love with a man involved in a gang. He was one of the lesser-in-rank men, but that didn't stop my daughter from loving him... and marrying him not long after. I was not in favor of this marriage between the two at first, but as time passed and Song Jiwoon finally got on my good side, I approved of them.

 

"Chaeyeon-ah, my daughter, if ever the child inside of you is a girl... please name her Shirin when she enters the world."

 

It wasn't long before Chaeyeon told me that she was having you, and to support you, both she and her husband were planning on putting up a small business. For that, Jiwoon-ah loaned 50 million worth of money from what were actually loan sharks. When they thought they could build a business, the money was robbed from them, leaving them without any resources and unable to pay the amount of money borrowed. The loans sharks told Jiwoon-ah that he must exhange you for him to be let off the hook about his debt... which he reluctantly agreed to.

 

"What are you going to do now, Jiwoon-ah, Chaeyeon-ah, now that Shirin-ah isn't with you?"

 

But upon the departure of the loan sharks, Jiwoon-ah requested help from the leaders of his so-called-brotherhood to help him get you back. The leaders had said yes, without letting Jiwoon know about the price that he was about to pay for their services.

 

"There has to be a catch to this, Jiwoon-ah, for them to just easily say yes."

 

When you were finally back in the arms of Chaeyeon-ah did the leaders reveal the price for their actions. They were going to take you and adopt you into the high, mighty and wealthy Song Family, the head of the gang that Jiwoon was in, for the youngest Song child, a girl, was pushed off from a staircased by a young boy... sealing her death. In the grief of the Song Couple and two young Song Boys, they held on to the last of their resolve and asked to send in another 'Song Child'... and that child was going to be you.

 

"Never will you get my daughter from me, you bastards."

 

Jiwoon-ah was against this, and he said no. Both the leaders of the gang he was in, the Song Couple, who had come to get you... was shot by Jiwoon. It was the reason of his death. He was killed by his own 'brothers' because of his 'disobedience' to the wishes of the leaders. At the last night of wake for Jiwoon-ah's death, you were forcibly taken away from Chaeyeon-ah. And ever since that day, she searched for you.

 

"I know that she's just somewhere out there, Umma. And I'll look for her. I'll find her and take her back from them."

 

She tried her very best to find where the wealthy Song Family was staying just so she could get you back. But she was unable to find you. One night while she was going home from another day of looking for you, she got run over by a car driven by a drunk man... and she never got back home.

 

I was a silent witness to all of these tragedies, Shirin-ah. And I swear to my grave that all of what I'm saying is true. If there had been something wrong in what I am saying, then may I be thrown down the pits of despair.

 

When I sat beside you in the bus that day we met, I couldn't resist talking to you for you looked exactly like my daughter. Even when you stepped out of the bus, I was still looking at you. Being beside you felt like I actually was with my daughter again, and my heartbeats quickened at the joy I felt while I held your hand.

 

Every night since I met you, I have been praying for a time to come when I could see you again, so that I could feel the presence of my daughter once more. I must be honest now, Shirin-ah, because I might not have a chance to see you again. Who knows what can happen in life? If I do not let myself become honest to you, then, when will I? If I could already tell you how much your story fits with Chaeyeon's past, then I will take my chances.

 

For, Shirin-ah, I've finally found you.

 

= = =

 

My eyes welled up at the story that Younghae Halmoni told me, and I found myself lunging towards her and hugging her tightly, tears escaping my closed eyes.

 

I have already given up on finding my own past, because of how hard it was.

 

But now that I had been led away from the life that I was supposed to be living... I found my yesterday.

 

And I found myself.

 

"Younghae Halmoni, I've finally found you too."