Interno Certamine: "Internal Struggle"

 

 

 

"My mind has accepted what is coming..."

 

 

Both of them still have an interno certamine.

 

 

"...but it seems like my heart just can't."

 

 

 

= = = Soundtrack: U-Kiss - Take Me Away = = =

 

She was silent.

 

Kai had noticed that ever since he answered her question regarding the place that they were going to. He cast another sideway glance at her, trying to see of anything that might happen to her, even for just a while.

 

She never said anything.

 

Her head was turned towards the window, her expression technically unreadable. She looked at the scenery, and nothing more. Her eyes never wandered around, and her breaths were surprisingly even... but she was like a rock.

 

Unmovable.

 

Kai sighed softly as he gripped the steering wheel, letting his mind get the better of him in the silence that ruled the atmosphere in his car.

 

What I wouldn't give to have a peek inside her thoughts for just five seconds...

 

Just when he thought that nothing else was going to happen, he glanced one more time to find that she had one of her arms leaned on the car windowsill...

 

...and a tear was rolling down her cheek.

 

He wanted to ask her if she was okay... but that would sound extremely idiotic. Asking a person who just found out that everything in her life was actually unreal a question of 'are you okay?' would just come out as insulting... and very very un-gentlemanly.

 

That's why he chose to just keep quiet and reach out for her other hand, which was free, and holding it securely.

 

She slightly jumped, a sign of surprise from what he did, but he paid no heed to it. He just ran his thumb over the skin of her hand before speaking.

 

"You know, we're only about ten minutes from the property. So, just hold it in for ten more minutes. When we get there, you can cry all you want... Arasso?" He said as he increased the intensity of his hold on Shirin's hand. The lady did not say anything but breathed deeply and wiped the tears from her eyes.

 

= = =

 

Pitter-patter.

 

Pitter-patter.

 

Pitter-patter.

 

Droplets of water hit the roof of the car that Lee Taemin sat inside of. His eyes were closed and his head turned toward the car ceiling, but it seemed like the rain outside found its way in as droplets of water also fell from his eyes.

 

"Do you think that leaving everything about who you once were is as easy as just getting into another man's car and letting him drive you away, huh, Shirin-ah?" He sarcastically muttered, great pain clouding his voice and his thoughts. Tears cotinued flowing from his eyes, but it appeared that nothing could stop the flow of the salty liquid even if the rain stopped crying along with him.

 

"I thought you valued me enough. I thought you... actually... loved me too." He continued, as if Shirin could hear him.

 

When the boom of thunder echoed throughout the whole of Seoul, Taemin let his sobs take over him.

 

He began hitting the steering wheel repeatedly, hoping that it could somehow lessen the anger that has exploded in him. He had hoped for her to come to him, for her to let him be the one she'll depend on. But she didn't let herself give in.

 

The moment he looked at her when she announced his name as her helping hand in substituting the leaders, he had deduced that she was a young woman who would rather let herself get hurt instead of approaching others and asking for their help. She's strong in front... but she is as fragile as any girl within. She's as weak as any human.

 

And that was one of the many reasons why he promised himself that he would be the one she'd hold on to when she needs someone.

 

Shirin-ah. Why reject me?

 

The pitter-patter of the rain is still going on outside the car, but it's nothing compared to the loud beating of his aching heart. It's nothing in comparison to the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces. He couldn't hear anything but his sobs.

 

She had already chosen.

 

She had already decided to leave everything behind her. She had decided to live her life anew and forget about everything regarding Song Shirin... including him. He thought that it was sensible, at the very least. Anyone who might have experienced the same things Shirin did would probably have done the same thing. Maybe he or she would not have faced it bravely and as quickly as Shirin did, actually.

 

But why is it... that in the depths of his heart...

 

... he still couldn't accept the fact that she left him?

 

= = =

 

Kai-sshi held on to my hand tightly, and in the silent atmosphere of the car, I surprisingly found it comforting. Even if he wasn't saying much, he made me feel like I had somebody to turn to.

 

I wiped my tears away, suddenly wondering why I had released them in the first place. I had only been thinking about how I would wake up tomorrow, not being able to be in my former room. I had been wondering on how I could go to school tomorrow, knowing that after classes, there would be no one to take me home. I tried to see myself in a life like my other classmates, or schoolmates, and it just comes up nonsensical.

 

I wished I had friends that exact moment.

 

I've never been normal, I begin to realize only now. I didn't have friends even when I was just in pre-school. I had been unusually quiet during my childhood, and the moment that other kids would try to befriend me, they would end up leaving me because they grew bored and tired of me. I never had any real friends that I would dream of going to amusement parks with, nor any crushes that I actually recognized in myself.

 

It made me sad just to think of it.

 

I never had a proper family, only my supposed brothers, and not really any friends.

 

Just what kind of life did I actually have back then, aside from all the gangwars and brotherhood activities?

 

Nothing.

 

I guess this was what caused me to be so much into brotherhood, easily accepting even the bloody truth about the existence of gangwars... and brotherhood battles. In a brotherhood, I found myself having a sense of belongingness. I experienced what it felt to have friends coming with you to different places after school, and to have brothers who would always do whatever it takes to get you out of a pinch.

 

I actually had a life because of the brotherhood.

 

But, what will it be to me now? I'm not a Song anymore... or rather, I wasn't even one in the first place. I couldn't have my ReapedSouls friends to hang out with, like Changjo-yah and Taemin-ah, nor brothers in the persona of the Song duo. And I bet all the possesions with me now that not everybody in the SkullBeaters would come to accept me, even if Kai-sshi ordered it to be so. After all, I was the one who killed numerous brothers of theirs.

 

I just would never have a life again.

 

I felt Kai-sshi withdraw his hand from its connection to mine, and not knowing quite why, I felt a sense of emptiness upon the loss of warmth from his hand.

 

But I then realized why he had done it.

 

He parked the car in front of a house that would appear to have four rooms in its totality, quite a small house if you would ask me. So, is this one of the houses that the SkullBeaters have in their possession?

 

"We're here. This is where I stay if I'm not in a brotherhood house. I hope you don't mind that I brought you here." Kai-sshi softly said as he turned off the engine and motioned for me to get my bag from behind me. I complied with his instruction given by movements, and we both got off his car. He went straight to me after closing his door, wrapping an arm around my frame and leading me into the house premises.

 

I guess he's already wary of how close I am to crying right now... especially after what he saw just a few minutes ago as I thought about what my life would be starting tomorrow. Luckily, today was Friday, and a holiday. There would be another holiday by Monday, so it would be working in my favor. I wouldn't have to put up that air in the university anymore, now that I'm no longer Song Shirin...

 

... but just Shirin.

 

When the front door of the house was closed behind us, he told me to sit on the couch in the living room, and I silently followed his words. I expected that I would be doing something with this.

 

But I wasn't expecting what Kai-sshi said next.

 

"Alright. You can cry now. I won't stop you this time. If you have any ill feelings towards this decision you made of joining me and leaving behind your past, then let it go now."

 

And despite the resolve I had built before to not let anyone else see when I cry, tears rolled down my cheeks, and I made no move to wipe them away. I slumped down the floor in my tears, my sobs shaking my entire frame as I let all my pent-up emotions out.

 

"Just cry, Shirin-ah. I'm here. Let it all out. You can lean on me." Kai-sshi murmured, his eyes intent on my shaking body. I continued letting my tears out of my eyes and sobbed as loudly as I can, hoping that the pain in my heart can be eased by even a little bit.

 

It wasn't until I felt Kai-sshi's arms around me did I realize that I can win over this internal debate I'm having with my heart.

 

It wasn't until I felt my eyes closing and my body succumbing to the shock of it all that I realized that in the absence of everybody else... 

 

...Kai-sshi would be standing beside me.

 

= = = = =

IMPORTANT NOTE:

 

Thank you very much to Cosmolade for subscribing! =] I hope you like the story so far!

 

I would also like to thank bubblegum88 for telling me what she thinks of the story through the comments. =]

 

Comment reply to bubblegum88:

I guess this newest chapter made you feel even sadder for Taemin, especially now that we had a look at his side. But, don't be sad too much. =] The questions in your mind would be answered bit by bit as the story progresses, and thank you very much again for telling me what you think. =]

 

There's another update tomorrow, so please stay tuned! <3

 

 

All pictures used are for the sake of clothing recognition and venue identification, which aids in better visualization of the story. The pictures are not mine, and I stake no claim on them. Credits go the rightful and respective owners of the media. No copyright infringement intended. Were only re-uploaded for the sake of compilation and assurance of long-lasting viewing activity. Thank you.