16^th November

They didn’t let me see Taemin again.

17^th November

I was bothered that they still didn’t let me see Taemin. I was afraid that they lied to me, or maybe they misunderstood Taemin. Taemin might be waiting for me, he might be lonely and scared.

So, I sneaked up to Taemin’s room without Onew’s knowledge.

I regret that.

Taemin was curled on the bed. The blanket only covered his feet, revealing his small frame and his back was bleeding as bad as I remembered. I could tell he wasn’t asleep but shutting his eyes trying to fall asleep because the pain will be a lot less in his dreamland. When I approached him and his eyes shot opened as he heard me called him, I wasn’t expecting that Taemin would scream at me.

I tried to calm him down, but it only making it worse. He struggled to escape when I touched him and he screamed until his voice cracked and I saw his tears rolled down his flush cheeks. He tossed violently on the bed that I wasn’t even sure if he was screaming at me anymore or just because of the pain. No matter how much I told him not to move because it will hurt him, he didn’t listen to me at all. I could only make out “Go away” from his hysterically scream and I realized that Taemin was angry at me.

For what or why, I didn’t know because other researchers burst through the door not long after and dragged me away from the room. The last view of Taemin that I saw was a few assistants hold him and Seohyun gave him a shot. Then, the door was closed and I realized that I was being dragged away by Onew out of the room.    

Onew scolded me after that, but I couldn’t really process that because I just couldn’t think at the moment. I didn’t even notice when Onew had left me at my own desk. In the evening, Onew called me to his office again. He gave me a letter. A suspension letter.

I tried to argue with Onew, but he told me if I don’t take the letter, he will dismiss me from my position. He squeezed my shoulder lightly when I unintentionally, cried. He told me;

“You’ve made your choice but it seems that Taemin made a different choice.”

18^th November

I feel strange to wake up, tidy up my room, make breakfast for myself and walk to my university instead of a bus station. Lecturers greeted me with wide smiles (and also a few mocking jokes). Classmates stared at me for awhile but lost their interests when the class ended. I went to the library to finish whatever assignment that I miss and by the time I went home, I was already dark.

I should sleep now.

19^th November

I saw a brown puppy at my door step this morning. I couldn’t recognize the breed but it was about cat size and has long curly hairs. It was hungry, so I fed him some sausages before I left for class. When I came back, it was still there.

It’s raining tonight.

20^th November

I dreamt of Taemin but when I woke up, it was a puppy in my arms. I’ve let it in last night because it was raining. I’m afraid it would get cold.

21^th November

I almost had a heart attack this morning. It’s Saturday, but there was a knock on my door early in the morning. When opened the door, I saw a teenage boy with brown locks and I thought it was Taemin.

It turned out that he was not Taemin, they look similar but different. The kid was a bit taller and has tanned skin that Taemin was. He was looking for his lost dog and before he could finish, the dog that I’ve been taking care of since yesterday, barked and run towards the stranger. I heard the boy cried the dog’s name (Monggu or something) and swapped it into his arms.

Thus, I was left alone again.

p/s: the boy seemed familiar but as far as I remember, I don’t have any teens acquaintance other than Taemin.     

22th November

I wonder how Taemin is doing.

I called Onew and Seohyun but both of them didn’t pick up my call.

23th November

Prof. Kim made me help him in the lab today. I didn’t mind because I’ve nothing better to do since I’ve finished all of my assignments. After we’re done, he treated me to a home-made ramyun. He told me some stories when he was still a student, which is not very long ago.

Prof. Kim is my Genetics lecturer and the youngest of my lecturers. He always became the wooing subject of female students because of his good looks. His class is always entertaining and informative but he always gives a lot of homework and assignments. I wasn’t as close to him but being the top scorer, I guess I kind of become lecturer’s favorite.  

When the conversation changed the direction towards about me, Prof. Kim looked at me in shock when I told him about my scholarship. He became silent after that.

p/s: I dreamt about Taemin almost every day recently.

24^th November

Am I sick?

Because I saw Taemin everywhere. Even when I’m not asleep.

I saw Taemin in the café that I always bought my morning coffee, in the library and even in my house.

I just walked in, and there he was, standing silently at the corner.  When someone called me or touched me, he disappeared.

Am I hallucinating?

25^th November

The dog came to visit me again. The owner was nowhere to be seen, so I guess he was lost again. But it was funny how it could get lost from his own house but find my house. I didn’t have his owner’s contact number or even his name, so I decide to keep him until his owner come.

Kai, the dog’s owner really appeared at my doorstep that evening and I immediately solve the puzzle of why he seems familiar when he arrived in his school uniform. He’s a student of Taemin’s school  and yes, we have met; during Taemin’s birthday party. Kai seemed like he didn’t recognize or even remember me, so I didn’t say anything about it to him.

He told me that Monggu, his poodle suddenly ran away from home when he was at school. It was the second time (the first time when I first met the dog) and he had no idea why the poodle behaved like that. He was never like that, he said. More surprisingly, Monggu refused to go home with him this time. It barked and struggled himself free from Kai just to come and hid between my legs.

Kai had to go home without his dog and I felt sorry for his sad expression when he left. But we exchange contact numbers for the sake of Monggu.

26^th November

 Nowadays, I couldn’t really distinguish between reality and dream. I keep on seeing Taemin’s everywhere. He was in his institute’s cotton dress, and with the same hair style that I remember he had. We always stood there silently, making small gestures but never really looking at me. He looks sad and lonely. He always disappeared before I can approach him and I figure it was just my hallucination.

Kai came again for Monggu today. He brought a lot of pet toys and many dog treats (to lure Monggu out I guess) but as soon as he came in and called for Monggu, the poodle come running at him without even having a glance at the toys and treats that he brought.

Kai went home smiling widely with Monggu in his arms.

p/s: I received a text message from Seohyun, saying “Hi, how are you doing?”. I replied and asked about Taemin but she didn’t reply back.

27^th November

When I woke up today, I saw Taemin in my kitchen.

I stood at the doorway for a long time because I’m afraid he will be gone if I approached him. He was looking outside of my window, making me looking at his side profile. He seemed so real. His small frame looked like it sat on my chair for real, the way his hair swayed when the breeze graced and I even saw his reflection on my cream ceramic tiles.

I gathered my courage to approach him. I took my first step and he was still there. I took my second, third, fourth and fifth steps, until I was just two more steps before touching him, he was still there. But when I was about to take my sixth step, Taemin turned his face to me. Our eyes met for a few seconds that feels like forever. Then, a tears dropped from his shining eyes and a strong wind blew into my kitchen. I closed my eyes and I could heard things clattering and smashed the floor from the wind. When he wind ceased, I opened my eyes and Taemin was nowhere to be seen in my messy kitchen.

I didn't go to university today.