3^rd November

Nothing improved but at least Taemin wasn’t crying like yesterday because he was sleeping when I came.

I left a paper airplane.

4^th November

Taemin was sleeping again but there was a wrinkled paper air plane on the bed side. This was drawn on it;

^____^

5^th November

 I met Seohyun today to ask her about Taemin’s condition. She told me that Taemin is getting weaker while shook her head. The answer was something that I expected but it didn’t make it any easier for me to accept that.

When I visited Taemin today, he was awaked. Awake with his eyes droopy in tiredness and his pale lips curved upward slightly when he saw me.  Taemin was too weak to do anything, so I just held his hand until he felt asleep again which he did not long after.

6^th November

Taemin was a bit different today. He was quiet. I noticed his eyes followed me, making me think that he had something to tell me but he didn’t say anything until our session ended.

7^th November

Taemin was asleep, so I left a paper airplane.

Seohyun invited me to a coffee and I found out that she’s a very sweet girl.  We talks about some random things which consist of her none-existence boyfriend, her pet; Rainbow (it’s a puppy), sweet potato and something about Keroro (it’s a cartoon which I’ve just known today). I enjoyed the small talk because for once, I was able to put the project and Taemin’s matters a step back from my mind. 

8^th November

I’ve taken a look at Keroro’s comic that Seohyun was talking about. It was quite… interesting, so I decided to show it to Taemin.

Taemin loves it.

He couldn’t really hold the comic book, so I read it to him. He giggled a lot that it made me wonder whether he was laughing at the story or at me because I unconsciously tried to “get into the character” when I read the comic. But it doesn’t matter. I left the book with him.

p/s: I think I owe Seohyun a cup of coffee for introducing Keroro to me.

Onew called me in the middle of night, when I’ve already asleep. He told me to come to the institute right away. He said Taemin needs me.

When I arrived at the institute, I’m glad that Onew called me. Taemin was crying – hysterically even. A few assistances and I saw Seohyun among them tried to calm him down but nothing worked. He cried, half screamed, and tossing wildly on the bed as if trying to get up. I cringed when I saw how his back rubbed on the bed from the movements because I know it was where it hurts the most. 

I entered the room and quickly reached Taemin.

His bloodshot eyes were shut tightly, nose bright red , cheeks stained with tears and some red smudges which I assume from his bloody bed, his lips quivering with raw wail and his thin arms trembling, trying to free himself from the many hands that tried to put him in place.

He didn’t calm down even when I reached him because his eyes were shut. I had to call him a few times before he opened his eyes to meet with mine. I heard Taemin for air before he suddenly propped himself to get up. Everyone was surprised and quickly tried to hold him down but I heard Onew ordered them to let go of Taemin. They obeyed and backed away slowly, handing the situation to me completely. I helped Taemin to get up so he can sit up and I he buried his face onto my shirt, sobbing. He calmed down after a few minutes as I his hair gently and whispered soothing words. I didn’t realize when the others had let but when Taemin tore his face from my chest, no one was in the room except both of us.  

I tried to ask Taemin what happened. He didn’t answer immediately. He buried his face on my chest again and I felt his grip tighten on my shirt. He whispered in a hoarse voice,

I don’t want to die.

And he cried again.

9^th November

I slept at the institute last night. It was almost morning by the time I left Taemin’s room anyway. Onew told me to go home because form the look of it, Taemin will not wake up until late evening because Seohyun gave him some sleeping pills to let him rest. But I don’t feel right to leave after what had happened.

Seohyun treated me to a coffee again. I wanted to pay but came to the institute in hurry last night. I didn’t even have my wallet with me.

Maybe next time.

My lecturer called me this morning, asking regarding my absentee at the university for the past few weeks. I apologized without giving any excuse.

I might need to postpone my study.

10^th November

Taemin was tired today. When I came, he didn’t even have the energy to smile. He didn’t speak and even when I asked him questions, he only answered me with small nod or grunts. But at least he wasn’t crying.

11^th November

Taemin was solemn today too. I brought another Keroro comic that I borrowed from Seohyun, but he was not excited by it at all. Even when I tried to read it to him, he stopped me. He said he just wanted to sleep and asked me to leave early.

12^th November

Taemin was sleeping when I came.

13^th November

It’s bothering me.

.

.

.

When I came today, Taemin was sleeping. I pulled a chair and read a book just to kill time. Just when I was about finish the chapter, I heard Taemin whined. I went to him and I saw him clenching on the pillow tightly and biting his bottom lips with sweat and tears on his pale face. I called for help immediately but when I tried to touch him, he rejected me. He tried to swat my hands away and…

I’m not sure if it’s real… But just before Seohyun and Onew opened the door, I heard Taemin whispered…

“Go away”

To me.

I’m imagining things, right?

14^th November

I don’t understand.

Taemin told me not to visit him again.

15^th November

Onew didn’t let me go to Taemin’s room. He said it was Taemin’s request.

Lie.

He must be lying.