I can't even BEGIN to say how sorry I am for leaving you waiting for an update for so long, especially when you support and read these chapters without fail. I actually feel so guilty and sad that I've been MIA for so long! I was so busy with my job and my first year at college that I just lost track of my fan fiction. I'm so so so sorry! I hope you guys can forgive me and still support my fan fiction! I promise I will never leave it so long for another update again!

So without further ado, here is the long awaited chapter!

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The worst thing is I couldn’t even cry.

Days went by and I felt the pressure in my throat, as if I had a neck full of stones. I didn’t laugh or joke around; any smile I gave was wan and lifeless so to me it didn’t count. My reason to laugh had just walked out my life, taking my sense of humour and sense of life with him.

HyeSu and the rest of NU’EST tried their best to make me smile. My love for everyone one of them grew, especially HyeSu and Baekho. Baekho was like the older brother I’d never had. One day I was in my room, HyeSu was in lesson, so I was alone. I sat by the door, rocking backwards and forth, just in case JR decided to stop by. I didn’t sleep at night in case he knocked on the door. Imagine I missed it, him standing outside my door knocking softly, the words ready to pour out of his heart and into my ears, revive my happiness and my heart. Imagine I slept through it and missed my chance. Missed that soft knock.

So sleeping was out of the question.

That day I rocked back and forth going over moments in my head, the ones we had spent together. Cuddled up together and feeling his heat next to me, staring at him while he slept and subconsciously pulled me closer to him, a smile forming on his lips as he dreamt.

 There was a knock on the door.

My heart leapt.

I scrabbled to my feet, stumbling a bit due to the pins and needles in my legs from lack of movement. My fingers fumbled for the door handle and wrenched it open.

And there stood Baekho.

My face fell, all my hope fell, taking my eyes and mouth with it until my face sagged.

“Wow,” He said, smiling weakly, “I’ve never seen someone who looked so unhappy to see me.”

All at once, I felt the tears that had denied themselves of falling, bubbling in my eyes. Baekho’s face softened and he walked into the room and closed the door. Sighing heavily, he put his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. The feeling of hard muscle under his t-shirt reminded me of JR and that was it. I burst into tears, not even able to make a sound. The sobs came from deep within my chest, stopping my breath for moments on end, before I drew in a ragged gust of air. Baekho my hair with one hand and rubbed my back with the other.

I don’t know how long we stood like that for. The tears seem to have built up over the last couple of days and now they streamed seamlessly down my cheeks. I found myself thinking why do humans cry? Why do they feel the need to rid themselves of water when they are upset?  Why do they rid themselves of the thing they need the most? It seemed strange to me.

Baekho made me get into bed, and then drew the covers right up to my chin. He sat beside me, my hand and peering at my face with so much concern that despite the pain it made my heart swell.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “For still being there for me after all that I have done, to JR and to Ren. To you. To NU’EST and to everyone.”

“I don’t blame you at all Minjae,” Baekho. “Ren told me what happened, about the goodbye kiss. The way you look at JR, I can see how much you love him. I don’t think you would jeopardise what you both have for something that ended with Ren a long time ago.”

I closed my eyes, wishing to God that these words were coming from between the lips I missed the most.

Then one night, I woke up to sad singing outside my window.

My eyes flashed open at the sudden noise and shivers whispered up and down my spine. I glanced over to see if HyeSu was awake but of course she wasn’t; her legs and arms were flung out in star fish position and her chest rose deeply as she slept.

I nearly dismissed the noise as a cat mewling and rolled over to go back to sleep, but something held my attention. The noise didn’t sound animalistic…it sounded more human.

I got up and knelt on my bed to look down out of my window. Drawing my curtains aside, I pressed my face to the glass, squinting to see into the darkness. Their came a sniffle and a crash. Throwing open my window, I leant out into the night to investigate.

Sitting underneath my window with his legs drawn up to his chest, was JR. In his hands he had clutched a glass bottle of something lethal; the smell invaded my nostrils and seemed to kill about four brain cells.

“JR,” I whispered in surprise. He looked up at me, his eyes blood shot and unfocused.  He’d managed to drink himself stupid.

Looking back into the room at HyeSue’s sleeping form; I grabbed hold of the windowsill and hoisted myself out of the room and onto the gravel outside.

As soon as my feet touched the stones, JR wrapped his arms around my legs and pulled me down next to him. Due to his drunken state, he couldn’t manage my weight properly and I ended up falling practically on top of him.

Although I ached to lay there and be close to him once again, I knew that for both our sakes I had to get up. However, as if reading my mind, JR’s arms clamped around my waist and he shifted back up until I sat straddling his lap.

I looked down at him, hardly daring to breathe. He looked up at me, his bloodshot eyes so frank and open. Like a play, emotions played out in his eyes, sadness being centre stage. I half hoped I’d seen a bit of happiness that we were close again. With a deep sigh that tickled the skin on my neck, he lowered his head to my chest. His hands massaged my back slowly, drawing shapes and rubbing the cloth of my sleep t-shirt between the pads of his fingers.

“I’ve missed this,” He mumbled. He lifted his head slightly to place a kiss on my neck, “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” I whispered, the raw pain in my voice exposed. I knew that in the morning there was a strong chance he wouldn’t remember what had happened, and if he did, he would regret it. The thought almost broke my heart into further pieces.

“Why Minnie,” His eyes dragged themselves to meet mine and his arms involuntarily tensed. It wasn’t a question. “I still can’t believe you’ve done this to me. You know how much I fought for you, never gave up, and always hoped that you would someday love me back.” He rested his forehead against mine and his eyes, glistening with tears, looked at my lips. “And now you’ve played me like a fool. Is it because I forced you to kiss me all those months ago?” His eyes suddenly took on a wild look and he began my cheeks and smoothing away my hair almost frantically. “If it was you could have just said, you didn’t need to do this to me, you didn’t need to I could have just said sorry I could have made it up to you I could have done anything, I could have….”  He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his head into my neck.

“Stop this JR, stop torturing yourself,” I cried. It hurt so much, seeing him blame himself when all of this was my fault. It killed me that to prevent all of this, all I would have had to do was tell him the truth from the start, instead of hiding something in the hope that the truth would never come out. “None of this is your fault, you’re entirely blameless. If I had just told you about that one kiss from the start then none of this would have happened.”

“I loved you.” He carried on as if I hadn’t spoken, his voice muffled against my skin. “I really loved you. Loved. Love. I love you. I still love you. I feel like such an idiot but I still love you. You have my heart and I don’t want it back. My minds telling me I should hate you for what you’ve done but my heart is so caught up in you, the whole idea of you that I just want to forgive and forget and be with you forever. But I know as long as my mind controls my actions and thoughts, we can never be together again.”