When Joohyun saw Seulgi again, it was Monday morning in class. She didn’t address her nor even looked in her direction. She did her best to avoid her but inevitably crossed her gaze. She was quick to avert her own despite the attraction she felt toward those gorgeous eyes. They haunted her even at night. 

On Tuesday, she caught herself staring at her in literature class when their teacher was reading to them. She observed Seulgi at the front of the class, underlining the features of her face she could distinguish from behind, and traced her toned body with her eyes. She only stopped when their teacher slammed the book shut and instructed them to work on the first paragraph. She cleared , kicking herself mentally for slipping again. 

On Wednesday evening, she found herself staring at the ceiling, laying under the warm covers, but everything felt cold. She turned her head, glancing at Seulgi’s hoodie still on the floor at the corner of her room. She closed her eyes, turning her face back toward the ceiling, and tried to find sleep but she wasn’t feeling the slightest fatigue despite the tiring school day. She squirmed in her bed while her mind got invaded by the taller girl once again, this time though it wasn’t with innocent thoughts. She pictured her on top of her, touching her body as she did on Saturday. Her exhale became close to a moan. She shut her eyes harder, turning Seulgi into a man. Seulgi wasn’t going to win this. She was going to prove her wrong. She slipped her hand under her pajama pants and began to touch herself, imagining this man her. However, nothing went as planned. Flashes of Seulgi kept intruding her fantasy and every time she did, it gave Joohyun a new wave of arousal. In the end, that nameless man had been useless and Joohyun ed with Seulgi on her mind. She growled in frustration after she finished and tightened, tears falling silently down her face « Why me? » She choked up. After years of silent hatred, why did she see Seulgi like this now?

On Thursday, she bumped into Seulgi’s shoulder when the taller girl was ready to greet her as they passed by each other in an empty hallway. Her fist clenched, she wanted to punch her so badly for making her feel this way and making her question her entire existence. But at the same time, she felt immense guilt for treating her this way. However, her facade of anger was what kept her from losing it all.

Seulgi managed to get under her skin until the end of the school week and on Friday night, Joohyun had had enough. She went back to the club, searching for the perfect distraction. She didn’t like Seulgi. She wasn’t attracted to women. She wasn’t a lesbian. And she was going to prove it with the real deal. 

She ended up in a handsome man’s bed, underneath him as he made sure to explore every inch of her body. Any woman would say he was marvelous in bed but Joohyun….Well……She didn’t get the result she was hoping for. Because even though he pleased her with everything she could have asked for, it felt flat compared to Seulgi. She realized that maybe with every man she had ever been with it had always felt this way. And even after she asked him to go harder and harder to reach the point where Seulgi had taken her, it still wasn’t it. At some point, the image of him on top of her became Seulgi and that’s when it burned inside her again. That’s when she felt alive again. But Seulgi was destroying her and she somehow convinced herself that the man wasn’t good enough and that maybe if she tried again it would go better. So the next evening, she was with another man but this time no bed was involved. He took her on every surface he could and Joohyun came back home with the moonlight guiding her way and the fresh air hit her face, freezing the tears falling down her cheeks. After a long burning shower, she kneeled near her desk, taking Seulgi’s black hoodie into her fragile trembling hands, and hugged it against her chest, welcoming the sweet scent into her nostrils. She got into bed, in a fetal position, hugging the hoodie as close as she could. For the first time since she left Seulgi’s home after the storm, she slept like a baby. 

-

She kept glaring at Seulgi all week with a big question mark in her heart and thousands of them in her mind. Why her? Why Seulgi? Was she attracted to her? Or was it just the hormones? Was it a test? Was she gay? What was she really feeling? Maybe she misinterpreted everything? 

Seulgi kept her distance and it weirdly pained Joohyun but she couldn’t blame her. How could she? She had been a monster to her. She swallowed her pain and put up with it, watching the bright Seulgi from afar. She tried to take a ‘Am I gay?’ test on the internet but she never managed to be completely honest with it. She researched a little about lesbianism, throwing all of her education and beliefs temporarily away but it wasn’t long before it came knocking back on the door of her subconscious. She found herself staring at Seulgi more and more, her thoughts switching between the want to punch her and the want to kiss her. She no longer recognized herself in the mirror and the only moment of happiness during her day was when she cuddled Seulgi’s hoodie at night. Oh, that damn hoodie! Every day she wanted to throw it away, to shred it to pieces but she just…couldn’t bring herself to. Somehow, that hoodie became her most treasured possession, her source of contentment. But the smell that went along with it started to fade away, and with it her happiness.  

On Friday, in an impulse, she wore it to school, making it her secret armor for when she would face Seulgi. And the taller girl’s face when she had to double-check that it was indeed her old hoodie that Joohyun was wearing was priceless and it made Joohyun’s heart flip inside her chest. Seulgi’s widened eyes lifted to meet hers, completely ignoring the conversation her three friends had next to her. An electric current passed through them, giving them both goosebumps. Unfortunately, the school bell rang, breaking their moment, and Joohyun was left unsatisfied. She wanted more of her scent. She wanted more of Seulgi, even if she hated herself for it. Thankfully, unlike how the other days went, Seulgi’s eyes were on her every time they were in the same environment. Her gaze lingered on her, wondering why she still had the hoodie, and more importantly why she was wearing it to school? Why she was bringing the piece of clothing so close to her nose? And why was she playing and caressing the sleeves like it was her favorite one? 

But while Seulgi couldn’t understand Joohyun’s mind, Joohyun felt the best she had been in days, if not weeks or years. Not only did the hoodie make her feel safe but she had Seulgi’s attention, and for the first time since she had been at this school she smiled. No one saw it since it was during class, and she was grateful for that. That warmth in her heart was a moment she needed to share with herself and herself only. 

She was a little disappointed when the day ended and Seulgi walked away. However, when she saw her enter the girls’ restroom before going home it was an opportunity she couldn’t miss. She would do anything to be close to her even for a couple of seconds.  

She entered the restroom, stopping dead in her tracks once inside, frozen in fear, her heart drumming inside her chest. The only stall occupied opened and Seulgi got out of it, lifting questioning eyes toward her before averting them with a sigh. She approached the sink to wash her hands and observed Joohyun standing there through the mirror « So you kept the hoodie, huh? » She asked without really waiting for an answer but Joohyun softly nodded, gulping. Seulgi frowned for a moment, not knowing what to do nor say at her strange behavior, so she just continued to wash her hands, glancing through the mirror from time to time. Joohyun slowly stepped closer to her but stopped within a reasonable distance. Seulgi straightened up, wiping her hands with some tissues that she shot into the garbage can behind her while looking at a shifty Joohyun who stared at her with an intensity that slightly scared her « Well…..ahem…..Have a good weekend, Joohyun » She politely smiled, taking one step toward the exit. Joohyun stepped aside, blocking the way and Seulgi looked back at her ready to ask what she was doing but Joohyun closed the gap between them, grabbing the sides of her face and pressed her delicate lips against hers. Instinctively, Seulgi kissed her back, yet with opened eyes, before she got hold of herself and gently pushed Joohyun away « Joohyun, what are you doing? » She questioned and the smaller girl opened but no sound came out. Seulgi’s eyebrows furrowed « Are you okay? » She asked, tilting her head to the side. 

« I don’t know » Joohyun breathed. 

She seemed so terrified that it made Seulgi’s heart clench. All she wanted was to take her in her arms and tell her everything will be alright but she didn’t know if it was in Joohyun’s best interest. 

« What are you doing tomorrow? » She inquired.

Joohyun frowned « No…nothing » 

« Meet me at Rêve park at 2 » She told her « So that we can talk » Joohyun nodded shyly, playing with the sleeve of the hoodie, something that Seulgi immediately noticed « The hoodie looks better on you than on me » She complimented with a sympathetic smile before leaving. 

Joohyun felt butterflies in her stomach. She blinked a few times, shaking her head out of her daze. , she had done it again. She brought her fingers to her lips, reminiscing on the feeling of Seulgi’s lips on them. She closed her eyes and groaned at herself. 

-

However, it was with great anticipation that she arrived at the park 30 minutes earlier than planned the next day. She just couldn’t have brought herself to wait. The part of her that wanted to feel better had won over the disgusted part of herself. She really wanted to hate Seulgi, she really did but deep inside there was this other part who cared and it grew inside her like a poisonous weed. But she realized that in order to get answers she needed to get hurt a bit and let the poison invade her veins. When she saw Seulgi waving at her, already at the entrance of the park, the thorns became soft and she wasn’t hurting anymore. 

The taller girl was wearing grey slacks and dark-orange sneakers with a long-sleeved plaid flannel of the same orange shade checked with black, the sleeves were rolled up above her elbows and she had a black sling bag over her shoulder. Joohyun gulped as a wave of warmth roamed her body. Seulgi smiled at her with that usual softness in her eyes « Hey! Glad you could make it. Did you find easily? » Joohyun nodded shyly, playing with the sleeves of her long-sleeve blue polo shirt « Let’s walk » Seulgi sent her a small smile. They walked in silence for a bit, Joohyun admiring the most gorgeous landscape she had ever seen in her life. She had no idea a park this beautiful was present in Seoul, and with such bright colors « Have you ever been here? » Seulgi asked her.

She shook her head « No, never but I think I saw some pictures of it in your room » She said as she thought of it.

Seulgi acquiesced « I love coming here every season of the year. The colors, the scenery… » She sighed contently « I don’t think my camera is even powerful enough to capture such beauty » She chuckled, looking at Joohyun and she managed to gain a smile from the smaller girl as their eyes met. 

« It’s true that it’s beautiful » Joohyun agreed, observing a white butterfly flying among the blooming flowers. 

« Do you know what Rêve means? » Seulgi asked her and she shook her head, looking back at her with interest « It means dream in French. This place is a dreamland » She smiled with that gorgeous eye-smile that Joohyun didn’t know if she hated or loved anymore. Or maybe she hated to love it? « And I’ll take you somewhere even more dreamlike that people visiting the park never go to. My little secret place. We’ll talk peacefully there » Seulgi invited her, leading her to her paradise.

_______________________________________________

Hey, guys! 

Hope you enjoyed? 

See you next week :)

-J